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One
The kitchen in LOU’s flat.
LOU is standing preparing gin and tonics. MINNIE is sitting at the kitchen table on the phone leaving a message.
MINNIE. Hello, it’s me, I’ve arrived safely, umm –
LOU (shouting). She’s here, she’s here!
MINNIE. Everything’s fine, umm, yes, I’m here! So…
LOU (shouting). I’m plying her with gin! Hic! Chin chin!
MINNIE. Oh I left that washing, which is annoying, in the tumble dryer, but never mind, I’ll get it at the weekend, or you could post it maybe, not the knickers, / just the blue top, maybe, if –
LOU. I’ve got knickers, you can have, do not worry, we have knickers, my darling child –
MINNIE. Well whatever, if you can be bothered to send it, / but it’s fine.
LOU (shouting, close to the phone, as she puts MINNIE’s gin on the table in front of her). Don’t worry, she is in very safe hands, hic! (Laughing.)
MINNIE (suddenly very fast). Anyway it’s all fine call you in the morning hope you’re okay love you bye! (Hangs up.)
LOU. Wahey! You’re here!
MINNIE (big exaggerated, whole-body relief). I know! Oh my God!
LOU. My little Minnie Moo!
MINNIE laughs.
Minnie Moo with her blankie and her, what was it called, her, Doig Doig –
MINNIE (laughing). Mr Dog Dog –
LOU. Yes but you had to call it Doig Doig, ‘Where’s Mr Doig Doig?’ Every time you came to stay we had to have Doig Doig, you could have gone without food for a week but you had to have that, what was it, a rabbit?
MINNIE. It was a dog –
LOU. You had to have Doig Doig, ‘Where’s Doig Doig?’, every five bloody minutes. I remember it so well. So sweeeet! You’re here my beautiful girl, cheers, to you. (Calls out.) Andy! We’re doing cheers to Minnie! What the hell is he doing? We’re doing the cheers and he’s missing it! All the more gin for us. It’s so exciting! Are you nervous? I remember my first day at university so well, I was shitting myself, are you shitting yourself? You absolutely don’t need to be, honestly, Min, I am absolutely not bullshitting you –
ANDY enters.
Am I, Andy? It is so fun, honestly, all my memories of university are just loads and loads of fun.
MINNIE. I feel really nervous –
LOU. No. No, Minnie, stop that. Listen to me now. You have nothing to be nervous about. Everyone will love you as soon as they see you, of course they will. You are so gorgeous. Isn’t she, Andy? And clever.
ANDY. Of course she’s nervous –
LOU. Your drink’s on the side. Yes but what I’m saying is there’s no reason to be though. Because everyone is. And, everyone is so worried about how they are coming across that they won’t have time, or energy to judge you or think anything about you at all in fact, thereby leaving you to be absolutely yourself. I mean it, Minnie, now is the time. You are liberated from the awful teenage years, now, it’s now. Total liberation from that hell.
MINNIE. Aaah, thanks, Louise –
LOU. Believe me, lovely girl, you have arrived at the best bit, hasn’t she, Andy?
ANDY. Who knows? Maybe.
LOU. I am so jealous! I am! Oh my God, when I think back to all the fun you are about to have! Minnie Moo!
MINNIE. Aaah, thank you. Cheers! And Andy as well. Thanks so much for letting me stay here.
LOU (raising her hand, staccato). Ach. No.
MINNIE. It’s so kind of you –
LOU. Ach! Talk to the hand cos the face ain’t listening.
Everything here is yours, there will be really big trouble if you don’t treat this flat like your absolute home, I mean it, Minnie, there is nothing to thank me for. This is your home. We’re flatmates! It’s going to be so nice for me, I have been looking forward to it so much, having girly chats when I get in from work, and, and doing face packs and stuff. Now. I am not going to bother you with any of this now, but, we do have to schedule in a time to go through all the things you need to know, all the boring stuff –(Does big bored action.) bor-ing, I know, but we’ll do it quickly, over a gin! More gin! Come on, get it down you!
MINNIE. Oh yes!
LOU (gets up and prepares more gins). You know, the back-door key, how that all works, the bin. The handle on the freezer door, that’s jammed, you have to use this spoon to wrench it, it’s fine, it’s fine, I’m going to get it fixed anyway. Soon. You know, some other stuff, like the shower and the heating, it’s on a timer thing, you have to slide it to the right if you want, oh I’ll tell you when we’re doing it, it’s totally self-explanatory when you see it, all the grown-up boring bits, we’ll go through it all another time when we can bear it. (Opens and closes the freezer door with the spoon.) You see, it’s totally easy, can you see how I’m doing that?
MINNIE looks, and nods.
Hurray! One thing off the list! Don’t worry about it, we’ll set a time and go through it all. Very fast. So we don’t lose the will to fucking live… (A moment. She has said a bad thing. Recovers.) When all me and you want to do is chat and drink gin! (Hands her a gin.) Don’t we? Minnie Moo’s all grown up now and we can be proper mates! To you! (Clinks her glass.)
MINNIE. To you.
LOU. To you, embarking on the happiest years of your life, oh my God, I can’t wait for you to see how great it’s going to be!
There is a small silence.
ANDY opens and closes the freezer do...
