KING UBU Characters
PA UBU
MA UBU
DOGPILE
GOOD KING WENCESLAS
QUEEN ROSAMOND
PRINCE WILLY
PRINCE SILLY
PRINCE BILLIKINS
BIG BAD BERNIE
WALLOP
McCLUB
FAST FREDDIE
NORBERT NURDLE
TSAR ALEXIS OF ALL THE RUSSKIES
NICK NACKERLEY
GENERAL CUSTARD
MAJOR F. FORT
BEAR
Barmpots, bankers, cashhounds, chaps, citizens, clerks, councillors, flunkeys, ghosts, guards, judges, messengers, nobs, partisans, seafarers, soldiers, turnkeys.
Act One
1 PA UBU, MA UBU.
PA UBU. Shikt.
MA UBU. Pa Ubu, language.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu. Iāll bash your head in.
MA UBU. Not my head, Pa Ubu. Someone elseās.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, what dāyou mean?
MA UBU. Come on, Pa Ubu. You like what you are?
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, girl, of course I like it. Shikt, who wouldnāt? Captain of the Guard, Eye and Ear of Good King Wenceslas, Past President of the Battalions of Baloney, Thane of Four-door. What more dāyou want?
MA UBU. Youāre joking. Thane of Four-door, you used to be. Now who follows you? Fifty sausage-knotters in procession. Forget Four-door. Get your loaf measured for the crown of Baloney.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, what are you on about?
MA UBU. As if you didnāt know.
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways. Good King Wenceslas is still alive, for starters. And even if he wasnāt, heās got a million kids.
MA UBU. So, do in the lot of them. Take over.
PA UBU. Watch it, Ma Ubu, or itās jug for you.
MA UBU. Idiot! If Iām in jug, whoāll patch your pants?
PA UBU. So let āem see my bum.
MA UBU. No: plant it on a throne. Just think of it. A pile of cash, big as you like. Bangers for breakfast. A golden coach.
PA UBU. If I was king, Iād have a big hat. Like that one I had in Four-door, till those bastards nicked it.
MA UBU. And a brolly. And a cloak so long that it brushed the floor.
PA UBU. I canāt resist. Shickastick, if I catch him on his own, heās for it.
MA UBU. At last, Pa Ubu. A proper man at last.
PA UBU. Just a minute. Iām Captain of the Guard. Murder Good King Wenceslas? His Maj of Baloney? Iād rather die.
MA UBU (aside). Shikt. (aloud) You want to be Daddy Mouse forever? Poor Daddy Mouse?
PA UBU. Blubberit, stagger me sideways, Iād rather be poor, honest Daddy Mouse than Big Fat Cat that Nicked the Cream.
MA UBU. What about the brolly? The cloak? The great big hat?
PA UBU. What about them, Ma Ubu?
He goes, slamming the door.
MA UBU. Snikt, what a tight-arse. Never mind. Slipalipt, Iām loosening him. With Godās good help, not to mention mine, Iāll be Queen of Baloney by Saturday.
2 Room in PA UBUās house, with a table set for a feast. PA UBU, MA UBU.
MA UBU. Well, theyāre late. Our guests.
PA UBU. Yes. Stagger me sideways, Iām starving. Ma Ubu, you look really ugly today. Because weāve got company?
MA UBU (shrugging). Shikt.
PA UBU (grabbing a roast chicken). Dagit, Iām hungry. Iāll get stuck into this. Chicken, right? Snot bad.
MA UBU. Put that down. Leave something for the guests.
PA UBU. Thereās plenty. I wonāt touch another thing. Look out the window, Ma Ubu. See if our guests are here.
MA UBU (going to the window). No sign of them.
PA UBU snatches his chance and snitches a slice of meat.
Here they are. Captain Dogpile and his Barmpots. Pa Ubu, what are you eating?
PA UBU. Nothing. Collops.
MA UBU. Collops. Collops. Dagnagit, put them down!
PA UBU. Stagger me sideways, Iāll dot you one.
The door opens.
3 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE, BARMPOTS.
MA UBU. Good evening, gents. So naice to see you. Do sit down.
DOGPILE. Ma Ubu, good evening. Whereās Pa Ubu?
PA UBU. Here! Godnagit, stagger me sideways, Iām not that small.
DOGPILE. Good evening, Pa Ubu. Lads, siddown.
All sit.
PA UBU. Pff ! Any bigger, Iād have smashed the chair.
DOGPILE. Oi, Ma Ubu, whatās for dinner?
MA UBU. Iāll tell you.
PA UBU. I like this part.
MA UBU. Baloney soup. Calfcollops. Chicken. PĆ¢tĆ© de dog. Turkey bum. Charlotte Russe.
PA UBU. Thatās enough. Snurk! More?
MA UBU (continuing). Ice cream, lettuce, apples, hotpot, tartyfarts, cauliflower shikt.
PA UBU. Dagnagit, Iām paying for this. What dāyou take me for, a bank?
MA UBU. Ignore him. Heās barmy.
PA UBU. Iāll barm your bum.
MA UBU. Shut up, Pa Ubu. Eat your burger.
PA UBU. Burger me, itās bad.
DOGPILE. Bleah, itās horrible.
MA UBU. Nagnancies, what dāyou want?
PA UBU (striking his forehead). Got it! Hang on. I wonāt be long.
Exit.
MA UBU. Nah, gents, collops.
DOGPILE. Very nice. All gone.
MA UBU. Some turkeybum?
DOGPILE. Fantastic. Great! Up Ma Ubu.
ALL. Up Ma Ubu.
PA UBU returns, carrying a disgusting brush.
PA UBU. What about three cheers for Pa Ubu?
He pokes the brush at the guests.
MA UBU. Idiot, what are you doing?
PA UBU. Itās lovely. Taste it, taste it.
Several of them taste and die, poisoned.
PA UBU. Ma Ubu, pass the tartyfarts. Iāll hand them round.
MA UBU. Here.
PA UBU. Out, out, the lot of you. Captain Dogpile, I want a word.
THE OTHERS. Hey! We havenāt finished.
PA UBU. Oh yes you have. Out, out! Dogpile, sit.
No one moves.
Still here? Stagger me sideways, where are those tartyfarts? Iāll see to you.
He starts hurling tartyfarts.
ALL. Erg! Foo! Aagh!
PA UBU. Shikt, shikt, shikt. Dāyou get it? Out!
ALL. Bastard! Swine!
PA UBU. Theyāve gone. What a lousy dinner. Dogpile, walkies.
Exeunt.
4 PA UBU, MA UBU, DOGPILE.
PA UBU. Here, Dogpile. Diddums like oo dindins?
DOGPILE. Lovely. All but the shikt.
PA UBU. The shikt was great.
MA UBU. Shickun son goo. Thatās French.
PA UBU. Captain Dogpile, Iām going to make you Lord de Lawdy.
DOGPILE. Pardon, Pa Ubu? I thought you were skint.
PA UBU. In a day or two, with your help, Iāll be King of Baloney.
DOGPILE. Youāre going to kill Good King Wenceslas?
PA UBU. Arenāt you the clever one?
DOGPILE. If youāre doing for Good King Wenceslas, count me in. Iām his mortal enemy. Me and my Barmpots.
PA UBU (falli...