ACT ONE
Lights down. Buzzing. Lights up to reveal an apartment, front door right, door to kitchen, left, window at back. Buzzing. HUGHIE enters from kitchen, goes to window, looks out/down. Goes over to front door, pushes button on intercom.
HUGHIE (into speaker). Yeah?
PADDY (through speaker). You right, man?!
HUGHIE buzzes him in, puts the front door on the latch, exits to kitchen. Pause. PADDY enters, soaking wet, wearing a snorkel jacket, zipped right up, hiding his face. Looks around him, tries to zip down his hood.
HUGHIE (popping his head into the room). Whatâs the jack, man?
PADDY. Fuckinâ hell!
HUGHIE. Bit of bad, yeah?
HUGHIE disappears again. PADDY continues at the hood. HUGHIE returns with a towel.
Out the other day, I was, anâ⌠Give us a shot. (Attempting to open PADDYâs zip.) Was out the other day, man⌠(Hurting his finger.) Ouch! (Attempting again.) Right? anâ⌠(Of finger.) Agh! (Giving up.) Youâre gonna have to lift it over your head.
PADDY lifts the snorkel over his head.
What was I�
PADDY hands the snorkel to him.
Hunky. Fuck was I sayinâ?
PADDY. You were out.
HUGHIE. Thatâs right⌠Heavens opened anâ I nearly wept. Faggot anâ all, I know, but it just set me off. Frustration, disappointmentâŚ
PADDY. âŚWetâŚ
HUGHIE. âŚWet, man. Oppression⌠(Hanging up snorkel.) The fuck happened this?
There is a huge rip down the side.
PADDY. Wait anâ I tell youâŚ
HUGHIE. Nasty!
PADDY. âŚYeah, moseyinâ up Pike Avenue, I was anââŚ
HUGHIE. This tonight?
PADDY.âŚMe way over. Anâ your man, that fat-fuck copper. Dolan, is it? Beset me, the fuck, fucked me in a puddleâŚ
HUGHIE. Beset you?!
PADDY. Came out of nowhere. Yep. Riefed me bod sneaky anâ sent me fuckinâ flyinâ.
HUGHIE. Anâ whatâd he say?
PADDY. Said nothinâ, man. Swaggered off, left me all prostrate in the gutter. (Beat.) Guffawed.
HUGHIE does CopperDolanâs laugh.
Hmm.
HUGHIE. No?
PADDY does CopperDolanâs laugh.
Not bad. Not badâŚ
PADDY. Cheers.
HUGHIE. âŚNot great, now.
PADDY. Me fuckinâ snorkel.
Pause.
HUGHIE. Say he saw you with meself, man.
PADDY. Say so?
HUGHIE. âŚThought you were an echelon. Say he confused you.
PADDY. But I thought with the treaty anâ all, he couldnât go near youse.
HUGHIE. Well, whereâd it happen? Whatâd you say, Pike Avenue? You see? Thatâs outsideâŚ
PADDY. I see. PuppacatâsâŚ
HUGHIE (simultaneous with âPuppacatâsâ). âŚPuppacatâs boundaries, yeah. Echelons go outside those, man, itâs watch your fuckinâ hoop. Treaty doesnât exist past the Bannerman Flush, so for future reference, occurs again, man, donât speak, donât look at him. Not that you did, butâŚ
PADDY. No, but donât give him a reason.
HUGHIE. This is it, man. âCos thatâs all he wants.
PADDY. Right. Reason to smack you.
HUGHIE. Smack or arrest you, the fuck!
Pause.
PADDY. Might be time to put it out to pasture.
HUGHIE. Mmm. Which?
PADDY. Snorkel.
HUGHIE. Might be. You gonna get a new one?
PADDY. Might do. Or somethinâ else, maybe.
HUGHIE. Get somethinâ looks well. Not that your snorkel didnât.
PADDY. No.
HUGHIE. âŚBut it didnât. Have to say, now. You want, Iâll come with you.
PADDY. Will you?
HUGHIE. Give you a hand, sure. We pop down to Poppinâ Mosseyâs anâ peruse relaxed, yeah? Take our time anâ see what we can⌠(Jumps suddenly.) Fuck⌠inâ hell!
PADDY. What�
HUGHIE (fiddling at his hip). Fuck⌠inâ beeper. (Gets it turned off.) Have it on the humminâ thing, I do. You know the humminâ thing?
PADDY. The vibratinâ thing.
HUGHIE (looking at pager). Frightened the muck out of me. (Of number.) Kilby.
PADDY. Show?
HUGHIE (handing it to him). Fuck does he want? Got it down the Windsor Market.
PADDY. No mobiles, no?
HUGHIE. I wouldnât get a mobile, Paddy. Give meself skull cancer, all that? Fuck that. Fuckinâ brain carbuncles?
PADDY. Brain what?
HUGHIE. Carbuncles, man. Thatâs what you get. Dirty warts on the fucker. Anyway, the bloke told us Pacino uses the same one in that film Heat. You know it?
PADDY. Plays the copper.
HUGHIE. Same as Pacinoâs, he says. I tells Kilby, you know what Kilby says?
PADDY. What?
HUGHIE. âIs that a karate film?â
PADDY. Youâre jokinâ!
HUGHIE. Karate film with fuckinâ Al Pacino!
PADDY. Youâre gonna ring him back?
HUGHIE. Fuckim, he thinks Iâm goinâ out in that, he can suck me⌠(Bends forward suddenly, holds stomach, in pain.)
PADDY. You all right, man?
HUGHIE. Fuckinâ bellyâs seizinâ up. (Continues to wince, bent forward, then relaxes a little, sits back.) Fuckinâ hell.
PADDY. Whatâs it? Dâyou want somethinâ?
HUGHIE. Fuckinâ pissed-off-ness, man. No thanks. Feels like, you know your grill gets dirty? Every so often a lump of grease⌠You know that?
PADDY. Yeah.
HUGHIE. âŚExplodes? Pops up?
PADDY. I know it.
HUGHIE. Like that. Scalds the fuckinâ belly off me.
Short pause.
PADDY. Wh...