Me, As a Penguin (NHB Modern Plays)

Tom Wells

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781780013336
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

A charmingly offbeat, surreal comedy of knitting, penguins and Battenberg.

Stitch is hitting the gay scene of Hull. Or at least dipping his toe in the water, while staying with his heavily pregnant sister Liz and her shabby sofa-loving partner Mark. But why won't Stitch let anyone into the bathroom even though Liz is dying for a pee? And who is the man in the giant penguin costume?

Me, As a Penguin premiered at the Arcola Theatre, London, in 2010.

This volume also features two monologues by Tom Wells, About a Goth and Notes for First Time Astronauts.

'a remarkable piece of writing, wry, witty and surreal' — WhatsOnStage

'thoroughly charming' — Time Out

ACT ONE

Casting On

‘Beginning anything new can be daunting, and knitting is no exception. Mistakes made while casting on can trouble you right through to a garment’s completion. Take care, and take your time. Imagine the finished piece. Nothing spurs a young girl on to success more readily than the thought of a well-knitted bedsock.’

A Girl’s Guide to Knitting & Crochet, Janice Thripp (1962)

Scene One

A room with a sofa. A door at the back leads to the bathroom, from which splashing is heard. STITCH comes out of the bathroom, damp, with a worried expression. He shuts the door, leans against it, looks up and sighs.

STITCH. Bugger.

STITCH sits down on the sofa and starts knitting. His expression is approaching shell shock. A Transformers lunchbox rests on the floor by his feet, and next to the sofa is a rolled-up sleeping bag and a bag stuffed haphazardly with clothes. In front of the sofa is a low table with a CD player and some chunky headphones. On the back wall is a telephone. LIZ enters, heavily pregnant, waddles over to the sofa and sits down (heavily).

LIZ. I want this bump out. Now.

STITCH. I’m sorry.

LIZ. It’s so uncomfortable. And I need the loo.

STITCH. No help with that either I’m afraid.

LIZ (starts to get up). Oh, well. If you want something doing…

STITCH (holds onto her). No, Liz. You can’t.

LIZ. I’ve had three mango lassis, Stitch. I can’t not.

STITCH. It’s just.

LIZ. Like drinking sunlight at the time. Now this.

STITCH. Sam’s in there. Had a bit of an accident earlier. He’s having a bath.

LIZ. Poor lad. He had one at the jumble sale and all. They sent him home in floral culottes.

STITCH smiles.

It’s not funny.

STITCH. No, just. It wasn’t that sort of accident.

LIZ. Oh. Oh God, is he alright?

STITCH. Yeah, he’s fine. Just a bit. Wet.

LIZ. What happened?

STITCH. Well, you know. Not much. Fell in with the penguins. A bit.

LIZ. What was he doing in with the penguins?

STITCH. That’s what I thought.

LIZ. You were looking after him.

Pause. STITCH shrugs.

Remind me never to let you take the bump out.

STITCH (smiling). Thought you wanted it out. Now.

LIZ. I meant to, wherever you’ve been. Feed it to the sodding lions, you will. Then shrug.

STITCH. No lions.

LIZ. Whatever, tigers.

STITCH. Liz, it’s an aquarium. The penguins are only there for half-term.

LIZ. They must have something in the way of predators.

STITCH. Squids, I suppose. They’re quite shifty-looking.

LIZ. What do they eat?

STITCH. Dunno. Fish maybe. Seaweed. When I was there this bloke tried feeding the stingrays Battenberg. They weren’t keen.

Beat.

LIZ. I could just eat a bit of Battenberg.

STITCH. Well. You’re in luck.

LIZ. Wahey.

STITCH. Mum sent one with me for the journey. Should be just in my bag down there. Can you reach?

LIZ looks in STITCH’s bag at the side of the sofa. She takes out a few crumpled T-shirts, then finds a bottle of pills, looks at them quickly and puts them back. She finds the Battenberg.

LIZ. Got it. Oh, hang on. You don’t think it’ll make matters worse.

STITCH. Nah, probably soak a bit up. Looks quite absorbent really. For a snack. I’ll get a knife.

LIZ (who has already bitten into the whole thing). You’re alright. I’ll manage like this.

Pause. LIZ chews thoughtfully. STITCH examines his knitting.

I love Battenberg.

STITCH (carries on knitting). Mm.

LIZ. D’you think you could live off it?

STITCH. You seem to.

LIZ. I meant for ever though.

STITCH. Don’t see why not. Sponge. Jam. Marzipan. Three of your five-a-day.

LIZ. Odd though, isn’t it? Wonder who first thought: cake’s okay, but. Taste better in a grid. And it does. Sort of genius, that.

Pause. STITCH is still knitting.

Okay. If the biggest risk is a squid, you can take the bump out when it’s ready.

STITCH. Cheers.

LIZ. Not the penguins though.

STITCH. I didn’t push him in.

LIZ. Well, why was he there in the first place?

STITCH. It’s complicated.

LIZ. If it takes my mind off my bladder, I’m in.

STITCH. Fine. Dave was there. Working.

LIZ. Who?

STITCH. You know. Mark’s mate. I met him Saturday.

LIZ. Oh, that Dave.

STITCH. He let us in to help feed them.

LIZ. I didn’t realise he worked there.

STITCH. Yeah. Travels round with the penguins. Various places.

LIZ. Come on then, what happened?

STITCH. Well, I didn’t know it was him, to begin with.

LIZ. Must’ve looked different without the vodka.

STITCH. I suppose. He was dressed as a giant penguin though, so.

LIZ. Really?

STITCH. Some sort of promotional thing.

LIZ. Dressed up as a giant penguin.

STITCH. Enormous, yeah.

LIZ. And you still fancy him?

STITCH (quietly). Mm.

Silence.

LIZ. Give it time, eh. Eh?

STITCH. I am.

Silence.

Seemed quite pleased to see me.

LIZ. Great.

STITCH. Mm.

LIZ. Sounds nice.

STITCH. I suppose he is, yeah. Knows his sea life.

Quite sweet, really, the other night. He told me about these penguins in New York. Gay penguins. When all the others, the straight ones, were looking after the eggs and that, they looked afte...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Me, As a Penguin
• About a Goth
• Notes for First Time Astronauts
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information