The Walworth Farce (NHB Modern Plays)

Enda Walsh

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781780013206
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

A remarkable play about what can happen when we become stuck in the stories we tell about our lives. Visceral and tender, The Walworth Farce combines hilarious moments with shocking realism.

Fringe First Award for outstanding new writing on the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

It's 11 o'clock in the morning in a council flat on the Walworth Road in London. In two hours' time, as is normal, three Irish men will have consumed six cans of Harp, fifteen crackers with spreadable cheese, ten pink biscuit wafers and one oven-cooked chicken with a strange blue sauce. In two hours' time, as is normal, five people will have been killed.

'An unsettling but exhilarating blend of the hilarious with the horrifying' - Irish Times

'Walsh has outdone himself with a new play more complex, dark and emotionally rich than any of his previous efforts... a theatrical experience that claws at the imagination for days afterwards' - Variety

'if there is a bleaker, funnier or more desperate play in Edinburgh this year, I'll eat my hat' - Guardian

'brilliant and savage... a mind-blowing combination of Marx Brothers madness and exploded Irish cliché' - Scotsman

'Enda Walsh makes his own distinctive stage music in the fury of his writing talent and the irresistible surge of his blatant theatricality' - Independent

ACT ONE

The set is three square spaces. Essentially a living room at its centre, a kitchen to stage left and a bedroom to stage right.

Much of the plasterboard has been removed from the walls and what remains are the wooden frames beneath.

The two doors on the wall leading into the kitchen and the two doors leading into the bedroom on the other wall have been removed.

The back wall shows the front door leading into this flat. Also there is a large window covered by a heavy curtain.

There are two wardrobes at the back made from the plasterboard. One on the left and one on the right of the front door.

The decor is at best drab. Everything worn and colourless and stuck in the 1970s.

There is an armchair and a small coffee table in the sitting room with six cans of Harp on it. The kitchen is fitted and very messy. The bedroom has two single beds on top of each other made to look like bunk beds.

We’re in a council flat on the Walworth Road, South London.

As the lights go up we see a man sitting in the armchair. This is the father, DINNY. He wears a bad brown yellowing wig on his head, a tight ill-fitting suit that makes him look clownish. He has a jet black bushy moustache. He’s holding a small biscuit tin.

On a side table next to him he presses the button of an old tape recorder. ‘An Irish Lullaby’ begins to play. Slowly he opens the biscuit tin. He looks inside, smiles and smells the contents. He closes it and places it under the armchair. He begins to polish his shoes with a tin of brown polish.

His son BLAKE stands in his vest and underpants and irons something on a coffin-shaped cardboard box in the bedroom.

BLAKE’s brother SEAN stands in the kitchen. He wears a woollen hat. He takes it off and places it in the pocket of his jacket. His hair has been shaved so that he looks as if he’s badly balding.

He goes to the table where he looks into a Tesco bag. His expression suddenly shocked. He takes out an extremely large salami sausage. He goes to the oven and flings the sausage inside, closing the door. With trepidation he returns to the Tesco bag, reaches in and takes out a packet of Ryvita crackers. Again he’s shook.

DINNY enters the kitchen carrying the tape recorder and SEAN quickly hides the Ryvita behind his back. DINNY pours himself a glass of water and gargles for a bit. SEAN watches him. DINNY spits it back in the sink, turns and exits the kitchen and back into the sitting room.

DINNY places the tape recorder on the side table and starts to do little physical jerks. He’s exercising.

BLAKE is putting on what he was ironing. A floral skirt. He puts the iron under the bed and takes up a freshly ironed colourful blouse. He smells it. It’s not the best. He sprays it with some Mister Sheen. He smells it again and puts it on. From under the bed he takes an old lamp with an orange floral shade. He slings it off a hook that hangs from the ceiling and turns it on. The bedroom is thrown into a new light.

SEAN meanwhile is making Ryvita sandwiches in the kitchen with spreadable cheese he’s taken from a tiny fridge.

DINNY stops exercising. He takes off his wig and we can see some Velcro tape running on top of his head which obviously keeps on the wig. He takes a comb out and gives the wig a quick once over.

BLAKE puts on a woman’s black permed wig. He picks up the cardboard coffin and exits the bedroom and into the sitting room and stands waiting.

SEAN sticks a bad fake moustache on (à la Magnum P.I.), dons a tight cream sports jacket which he buttons up and exits the kitchen. BLAKE hands him the coffin and enters one of the wardrobes.

SEAN stands holding the coffin on his shoulders by the front door and waits for his father.

DINNY sticks his wig back on. He goes to the wall and takes a small golden trophy off a shelf. He reverentially kisses it before carefully replacing it. He blesses himself.

He takes a deep breath and exhales sharply. He’s ready.

DINNY holds the other end of the coffin with SEAN. He reaches to the light switch on the back wall and switches off the light in the sitting room as ‘An Irish Lullaby’ comes to an end.

The room is thrown into darkness and silence. DINNY immediately turns the light back on.

DINNY. She was our mother, Paddy –

Suddenly the tape recorder blasts out the Irish traditional song ‘A Nation Once Again’.

The two of them startled.

Shite!

DINNY turns off the tape recorder. Again he takes a deep breath and exhales sharply. He then reaches back to the light switch and turns the lights off again. He immediately turns them back on.

The Farce begins. The three speak in Cork City accents. The performance style resembles The Three Stooges.

She was our mother, Paddy, and she treated us well.

SEAN AS PADDY. It was a happy outcome, Dinny, even if it was her funeral.

DINNY. To see her little smiling face all done up in that makeup, looking like a movie star, wasn’t she?

SEAN AS PADDY. A little miracle how her head was recreated when you think of the wallop that horse gave her. Hit by a dead horse. Who would have believed it?

DINNY. As the priest said, Paddy… only the good Lord knows of our final curtain.

SEAN AS PADDY. I fear He does.

DINNY. It was God’s will to send a massive dead stallion careering over a hedge.

SEAN AS PADDY. Yes.

DINNY. God’s will to send it crashing on top our sweet mother’s tiny body as she innocently picked gooseberries for her own consumption on that quiet country road. Whatever way you look at it, Paddy, religion’s awful cruel.

SEAN AS PADDY. Is that cans of beer over there?

DINNY. It is, they are.

SEAN AS PADDY. It’s just she’s getting awful heavy…

DINNY. Stick her in the dining room there, Paddy. Don’t want my two little boys having nightmares.

SEAN and DINNY take the coffin into the bedroom.

SEAN AS PADDY. So this is your place, Dinny?

DINNY. Built with my own hands… figuratively speaking of course. Not much call for building work in my line of work.

BLAKE AS MAUREEN enters from the wardrobe.

BLAKE AS MAUREEN. You want me to fix the sandwiches, Dinny?

DINNY. Go heavy on the cheese spread, sweetheart. You know how I like my sandwiches, Maureen love.

BLAKE AS MAUREEN. Where’s the kitchen?

DINNY secretly and aggressively points over to where it is.

BLAKE AS MAUREEN quickly enters the kitchen. He immediately takes off his wig and puts on a new red-haired permed wig and re-enters the wardrobe.

SEAN AS PADDY. What is it you do again, Dinny?

DINNY. Brain surgery, Paddy.

SEAN AS PADDY. And to think you were thrown out of school at fiftee...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Dedication
• Characters
• The Walworth Farce
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information