Broken Biscuits (NHB Modern Plays)

Tom Wells

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781780018287
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'The point is: we're losers. Nobodies. Carry on like this, we're losers forever. And we don't have to be. Fresh start, two months to completely one hundred per cent reinvent ourselves. And I know exactly how we can do that.'

Megan, Holly and Ben are definitely not the cool kids. But Megan has a plan. One long summer holiday to change their lives. One sure path to coolness. One amazing transformation, through the power of song.

Holed up in Megan's garden shed, three old friends try to change their fortunes in a beautiful, heart-warming, laugh-out-loud coming-of-age story for our times. Rock on.

Broken Biscuits was first performed at Live Theatre, Newcastle, in 2016, in a co-production between Live Theatre and Paines Plough, before a UK tour.

1.

MEGAN’s shed.

There’s a squashy chair (broken), some tools, and lots of cardboard boxes full of stuff – games and books and old toys.

There’s also something big hidden under an old sheet.

MEGAN. Right, first things first, thanks for coming to this EMOOF.

BEN. What you on about: EMOOF?

MEGAN. Emergency Meeting Of Our Friendship. EMOOF. Keep up.

BEN (smiling). Right. Soz.

MEGAN. It actually means a lot to me, obvs, so. Yeah.

Also, my mum’s got us a box of these to keep us going.

MEGAN gets a box of broken biscuits out.

BEN. Nice one.

HOLLY. Yes!

MEGAN. I have actually asked her to stop getting them, get us some just normal biscuits – it’s not going in.

HOLLY. These are lovely, Megz.

BEN. They taste of being round yours.

MEGAN. Yeah, cos they’re shit.

BEN. It’s the only place I’ve ever had three Jammie Dodgers stuck together to make one Super Dodger.

HOLLY. They’re like mutant biscuits. Good mutants. X-Men.

MEGAN. Great.

Right, EMOOF.

Any questions before we start?

BEN. How come we’re in your shed?

MEGAN. Tell you in a minute.

HOLLY. Um.

MEGAN. HOLLY.

HOLLY. What’s under there?

MEGAN. Tell you in a minute. I know it sounds daft but I need to do like a big introduction then I’m thinking sort of: reveal.

BEN. Come on then.

MEGAN. Come on then what?

BEN. Reveal!

MEGAN. Right. So.

We’ve finished, is the thing. School’s done, school’s over. And looking back, probably, it could’ve gone better. For all of us. Mainly BEN.

BEN. Cheers.

MEGAN. Like I’m kind of amazed you haven’t just put all your revision notes in a massive pile, set fire to them, danced round with a big stick like stabbing them, telling them to fuck off.

BEN. They’re just in the recycling.

HOLLY. Already?

MEGAN. So at first I was thinking like: shit. We’ve basically failed school.

HOLLY. Won’t’ve failed, just –

MEGAN. I don’t mean we’ve failed our GCSEs – well, maybe Ben has actually, some of the stuff you were coming out with, honestly. Science was a disaster. I mean I’m not exactly Einstein but you have seriously misunderstood the carbon cycle.

HOLLY. MEGAN.

MEGAN. It’s alright, I’ve googled what he can do instead of A levels – it’s called an NVQ, BEN. Think you’d really enjoy it.

BEN. Right. Cheers.

HOLLY gives MEGAN a look.

MEGAN. What?

What?

BEN. I think what Holly’s trying to say, with her eyes is: stop going on about how I’ve probably failed, just leave it as like the elephant in the room, we all know it’s there, that’s fine, I love elephants, just tell us what’s und...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Original Production
• Dedication
• Epigraph
• Characters
• One
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information