Scene One
JO and MARY are in the bathroom. JO is having a bath. MARY is washing her face with a flannel at the washhand-basin. There is a pornographic magazine on the bathroom chair. The scene takes place during the morning of a sunny summerâs day.
JO. Are you going to tell me?
MARY. What?
JO. Whatâs the matter?
MARY. Nothing.
JO. Youâve been crying.
MARY. Iâm alright.
JO. Donât bottle it up.
MARY. Itâs nice out. (Opens the window.)
JO. Suit yourself.
MARY sits in the armchair and looks through the magazine. JO sings âMistyâ.
âLook at me
Iâm as helpless as a kitten
Up a tree.
Da da di da da di da
Di dum dum di da
I get Misty
Di dum dum di dum.â
Read that bit again.
MARY. Which bit?
JO. The bit you were reading.
MARY. The woman coming all the time?
JO. Yup.
MARY. Why?
JO. Just read it.
MARY. ââŚWell, I fucked her for ages and ages and lost count of the number of orgasms she had. Okay, the rest of my body was falling apart while I was fucking her, but my cock was as powerful as ever⌠blah, blah, blah, blah⌠That woman seemed to be having an orgasm each time I pushed my cock into her and another orgasm each time I pulled it out.â That bit?
JO. Yeah⌠Fancies himself doesnât he?
MARY. Do you get off on it?
JO. Itâs for men, Mary. You shouldnât be looking at it at all.
MARY. Itâs a free country.
JO. Why did you buy it?
MARY. I didnât. I found it.
JO. Oh.
MARY. In the bin.
JO. What bin?
MARY. Our bin.
JO. Our bin?
MARY. Mnn.
JO. In our bin?
MARY. Yeah.
JO. Charming.
MARY. It was just sitting there.
JO. Trust you.
MARY. What?
JO. Nothing.
MARY. What?
JO. Well I didnât find it did I?
MARY. No.
JO. Whatâs the matter?
MARY. Iâm alright.
JO. Youâve been crying. Youâre all blotchy.
MARY. Iâve been in the sun.
JO. Sure?
MARY. Yes. (Holds up a double spread of the magazine to show JO.) Look at this⌠Why do blokes get off on this stuff?
JO. Who cares?
MARY. I do.
JO. Why? Whatâs it to you? Bloody nerve.
MARY. What?
JO. I might put old sweetie papers or a bag of orange peel in someone elseâs bin. I wouldnât ditch garbage like that on someone else.
MARY. What kind of blokes get off on it?
JO. Fuck knows. Maybe theyâre just fucked up. Itâs not everyone.
MARY. How do you know?
JO. Itâs blokes who canât get it together with anyone. Relatively speaking theyâre from another planet. I wish baths were big enough to float in.
MARY. Iâll bet itâs more than you think.
JO. Thatâs what Iâd do if I was really rich: Iâd get a huge bath.
MARY. Iâll bet you half the blokes in the world read this stuff.
JO. Sod the water bed: Iâd go for a huge bath.
MARY. Are you listening?
JO. Yeah.
MARY. Well?
JO. What?
MARY. Itâs not just the odd freak. Itâs half the people youâve ever met. Isnât it?
JO. I donât know. How should I know?
MARY. It is. I know it is.
JO. So what?
MARY. âLong, leggy Barbara reveals all and hopes all you guys out there like what you see.â
JO. Course they do.
MARY. Sheâs not that pretty.
JO. Sheâs thin though isnât she?
MARY. Not really.
JO. Sheâs thinner than me.
MARY. How dâyou know. You havenât even looked.
JO. I donât have to.
MARY. Youâre not that fat.
JO. Iâm not seventeen either.
(Sings.)
âShe was just seventeen
Well, you know what I mean
And the way she moved
Was way beyond compare.
I couldnât dance with another
Ooooooooo
When I saw her standing there.â
MARY (looks out of the window). I wish there was a garden out here at the front of the house.
JO. Ummn.
MARY. Might be quieter.
JO. Than what?
MARY. The back.
JO. Doubt it.
MARY. Might be more peaceful
JO stretches both her legs vertically out of the bath and looks at them.
JO. What do you think?
MARY. What?
JO. My legs?
MARY. What about them?
JO. They look really good.
MARY. Why?
JO. Like this.
MARY. Do they?
JO. I think so.
MARY. They donât look...