The Last Quiz Night on Earth (NHB Modern Plays)

Alison Carr

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781788503266
• Topic: Littérature
• Subtopic: Théâtre britannique

'The end-of-the-world quiz waits for no man, literally. Onwards, ever onwards, to our fiery decline. Round three…'

It's the end of the world. The last night on Earth. An asteroid is heading straight for us and there's nothing we can do about it.

Except for maybe host a pub quiz – which is exactly what landlady Kathy and her quizmaster Rav are doing. But, with time ticking, some unexpected guests explode on the scene – Bobby wants to settle old scores, and Fran wants one last shot at love.

Alison Carr's play The Last Quiz Night on Earth is an innovative comedy-drama featuring a fully interactive pub quiz for the audience to participate in, complete with real teams, real questions and real swapping each other's answers for marking. It was premiered by Box of Tricks in 2020 on a UK tour, taking in a host of theatres, community venues and pubs.

Ideal for performance by amateurs – either in theatres or more unconventional spaces (such as theatre bars and local pubs) – this play offers rich opportunities for audience participation. Quizzing compulsory, alcohol optional.

ACT ONE

An automated radio broadcast is playing on an old portable CD/radio/cassette player that is on the bar.

The broadcast is full of static but we catch key words. It repeats over and over as the audience come in.

VOICE. This is an Emergency Broadcast. This is an Emergency Broadcast. This is not a test. This is not a test. An asteroid is on a collision course with Earth, impact imminent. NASA have confirmed that all attempts to destroy or divert the object have failed. This is a World-Ending Event. Repeat, this is a World-Ending Event. This is not a test. Recommended action… thoughts and prayers.

KATHY greets the audience like friends and neighbours as they’re coming in. Things like –

KATHY. Hi!

Good to see you.

Tom, Anna, great to see you.

Alright, Mags?

Hi. Hello.

Dannyyyyyy.

Come in, please, make yourselves comfortable.

Gerry, your favourite table’s there waiting. No one would dare.

Etc, etc.

Once everyone is largely settled, KATHY gets things going –

Right, let’s turn this blather off. What more can they say, eh?

She turns the broadcast off.

That’s better.

So. First things first – thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing to spend your last night here with us at the Horsemen. It means so much, it really, really does.

Looking around – most of you I know, friends and neighbours…

Terry, is that your Susan you’re always telling us about? Lovely to meet you at last, love. I wish it was under different circumstances but better late than never, eh. Or better late than pregnant, as my Aunt Viv always said.

Mary, no Chris? Decided to try and get down to see her Pat, did she? I can understand that and good luck to her.

Tasha. Andy. Naz.

Paul. (Curt. A look, a history.)

And those of you I don’t know, and there are a few unfamiliar faces, welcome. I’m so pleased you found us, however you did. You’re all welcome. Even Paul.

I’m so glad that we’re all here together tonight…

She breaks off, emotional.

Sorry. Sorry.

That won’t get me anywhere, will it? I’m sure we’ve all cried rivers these last few days. Raged, ranted, turned the air blue. But here we are. And there it is – (Points to the heavens.) and it’s not stopping its trajectory while I stand here blubbing, so no more of that. (Wipes her eyes, enough.)

Now, Rav’s just putting his distinctive finishing touches to the quiz and then we’ll be off.

Really, we just want to keep everything as normal as possible.

We’ll be keeping the telly off, and the radio. That might seem a bit – to some of you, but really what’s the point in hearing a countdown to it all?

And the fact that you’ve chosen to come here, with us, to do the quiz, well, I think we’re all on the same page.

Now, Rav’s asked me to do some housekeeping –

Phones. I mean, the internet crashed hours ago so the chances of you being able to google the answers is virtually non-existent but he insisted I remind you: no cheating.

And the phone networks have been down all day, but if someone does get a message through or you get any signal, feel free to take a look but don’t take the mick.

And, the bar won’t be serving during the quiz. You know how he gets.

And yes, before you ask, we are still charging normal prices for all drinks and snacks. I’m a businesswoman to the end – I am my father’s daughter, after all. If all this proves to be a big mistake – fingers crossed, eh – I’ll still have bills to pay tomorrow. And if it’s not, well, what are you going to do with that money burning a hole in your pocket? You can’t take it with you.

RAV sticks his head out.

RAV. I’m ready.

KATHY. Oooh, he’s ready, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and –

RAV. Hang on. I need music.

Take this. (Passes her a CD case.) Track two.

KATHY puts the CD in the player.

Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’ plays.

KATHY. Ladies and gentlemen –

RAV. Don’t talk over the beginning.

KATHY. What?

RAV (re: the music). Stop it.

She stops the track.

The beginning’s the best bit.

KATHY. Sorry.

RAV. Start my intro after the beginning.

KATHY. When they start singing?

RAV. No. There’s a moment, a change in the music – you’ll hear it.

KATHY. What if I don’t?

RAV. You will.

KATHY. But if I don’t?

RAV. I’ll give you a thumbs up when it’s time to start.

Play it nice and loud. Okay?

KATHY. Okay.

RAV disappears again.

The song starts up again.

RAV (off). Louder.

KATHY turns it up.

It’s a long intro with various points that COULD be the change in the music RAV referred to. There are some false sta...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• The Last Quiz Night on Earth
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information