HOW TO TELL A JOKE
Cicero, On the Ideal Orator, Book 2.216â290
âHumor Us, CaesarâExplain Jokes!â Caesar Takes a Stab [216â234]
ANTONY
[216b] ⊠Humor and joking, though, is fun and often wicked effective. Every other aspect [of public speaking] might be teachable by rules, but humor is obviously something youâre born with and rules canât do anything for it.
Caesar, in my view youâre far better than others at this, so you can easily back me up that joking either (1) isnât a teachable skill or (2), if it is, then youâre the best person to teach it to us.
CAESAR
[217] Actually, I think a decent funnyman can discuss anything with greater wit than wit itself. Let me explain. I once saw these Greek books titled On Humor and got excited, thinking Iâd learn something from them. What I found, though, was lots of Greek quips and jokesâwhich makes sense, since the people of Sicily, Rhodes, Byzantium, and above all, Athens, are the leaders in this area.16 But they were so ridiculous when they tried to schematize, systematize, and teach the ârulesâ behind them that the only thing I could laugh at was how ridiculous they were! [218] And thatâs whyâto me at leastâit seems impossible to teach a course in the topic you want.
The thing is, jokes actually come in two forms. The first kind permeate an entire speech, while the other come fast and razor-sharp. The ancients called the first kind âshtickâ and the second âa sick burn.â Both have funny namesâwhich makes sense, since the whole business of making people laugh is (winking) âfunnyâ stuff.17
[219] That said, Antony, youâre right. Iâve often seen humor accomplish a great deal at trial. But you donât need rules for that first category of ongoing banter [i.e., shtick], because people are shaped by their genetics, and itâs thatâplus some help from their facial expressions and voices and manner of speech itselfâwhich makes them funny impressionists or storytellers. And since thatâs true, then in the second category [i.e., sick burns], too, where a zinger has to get fired off and hit its target before anyone could seemingly even think of itâwell, how could there be rules?
[220] I mean, rules couldnât have helped my brother Barker18 here when Philip asked him, âWhat are you howling for?â and he shot back,
âI see a thief!â
And what could rules have done for Crassus anywhere in that speech he gave in probate court against Scaevola or in the one defending Gaius Plancus against Brutus? Really, Antony, everyone thinks the honor you pay me should go to Crassus, because heâs pretty much the only one youâll find who excels at both kinds of witâthat is, in the first category of keeping up the talk and in the second category of snappy comebacks.
[221] I mean, his entire speech defending Curius against Scaevola was bursting with good-natured, category-1 ribbing. It didnât have those category-2 zingers because he wanted to spare his opponentâs dignityâand in doing that, he kept his own.
And that is the hardest thing for quick-witted people to do: to take stock of the people, the circumstances, and to hold back the quips that come to mind even when it would be totally hilarious to say them. Accordingly (and this is pretty funny), some jokers twist these [222] lines of Enniusâ
â«âWhen his mouthâs on fire, itâs easier for a wise man to suppress the flames than a good remark (bona dicta).ââ«
âto say:
â«âWhen his mouthâs on fire, itâs easier for a wiseass to suppress the flames than a good wisecrack (bona dicta).ââ«
They claim the âgoodâ or âhelpfulâ part of Enniusâs dicta obviously has to mean âfunnyâ because dicta (âremarkâ) already means âwisecrackâ all by itself!
But as much as Crassus kept away from those in dealing with Scaevola and instead made light of the trial and their disagreement with the other kindâthe one that doesnât entail roasting anyoneâwhen it came to Marcus Brutus, who he hated and thought deserved abuse, he unloaded with both kinds. [223] He went crazy on the spa Brutus had recently sold off and the inheritance heâd burned through! And those zingers!âsuch as when Brutus said, âI donât see what Iâm up here sweating for,â and he snapped back,
âNo surprise there: you did just get out of the spa.âŠâ
There were countless ones like that, but the continuous banter was just as funny. I mean, Brutus called in a couple readers to quote from a pair of policy speeches Crassus had given to different audiences, and then pointed out sections where Crassus had allegedly flip-flopped. And thatâs when our friend Crassus here asked (cracking up)âit was totally hilariousâthree people to come read bits from the three books of the dialogue On Civil Law that Brutusâs dad had written. Let me quote Crassusâs rebuttal.
CAESAR QUOTES FROM CRASSUSâS REBUTTAL
[Caesar now quotes extracts from Crassusâs rebuttal. The first three extracts begin with an inset quotation from Brutusâs fatherâs book, followed by Crassusâs commentary.]
[224] First came book one:
âMy son Marcus and I once found ourselves at our villa in Privernum âŠâ
Brutus! Your fatherâs going on record that he left you an estate in Privernum.
Then came book two:
âMy son Marcus and I were at our villa in Alba âŠâ
This guyâs clearly a genius, one of the smartest in the country! He knew (glancing at Brutus) this black hole. He was worried that once Brutus didnât have anything, people would assume he hadnât been left anything.
Then came book three, which is the last one he wrote (I heard Scaevola say there are three authentic books by Brutus):
âMy son Marcus and I found ourselves holed up at our villa in Tivoli âŠâ
Brutus, where are these estates your father left you? The bequest is recorded right here in this published treatise! If he didnât think you were alr...