Conquering Your State of Anxiety

How to Battle OCD and Reclaim Your Life

Kirsten Pagacz

• Publisher: Conari Press
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781642509199
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Mental Health & Wellbeing

Battle OCD With Insight and Inspiration

Both a book and a heart-stopping memoir that provides anxiety relief and gives comfort to those struggling to better understand themselves and their mental health.

The tapping and counting and cleaning and ordering brought her comfort and structure, two things lacking in Kirsten Pagacz’s family life.  But it never lasted. The loathsome self-talk only intensified, and the rituals she had to perform got more bizarre. By high school, she was anorexic and a substance abuser─common "shadow syndromes" of OCD. By adulthood, she could barely hide her problems and held onto jobs and friends through sheer grit. Help finally came in the form of a miraculously well-timed public service announcement on NPR about OCD─at last, her illness had an identity.

"It's like the meanest, wildest monkey running around my head, constantly looking for ways to bite me."  That was how Kirsten Pagacz described her OCD to her therapist on their first session when she was well into her 30s─she'd been following orders from this mean taskmaster for 20 years, without understanding why. After finally having the answer and learning how to conquer her OCD, Pagacz wants to share her knowledge and insight with you in hopes that you join her in leaving the OCD circus and living a better life.

Conquering Your State of Anxiety  reveals the story of Pagacz's traumatic childhood and the escalation of her disorder.  Learn how OCD works to misshape a life from a very young age and the various tools she used to deal with and heal her anxiety.

Gain insight into:

• The benefits of meditation and yoga
• Cognitive behavioral therapy
• Medication
• Exposure therapy

If you learned from guides like  Anxious for Nothing,   The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, or  The Anxiety and Worry Workbook  then you’ll want to read  Conquering Your State of Anxiety.

 

♦ 5 ♦

Getting to Know You

Angel on NPR

Just days later, we were visited by an angel. Or, should I say, Doug was.

Doug was painting in his art studio in Benicia; he was developing a product line for a gift company for whom he did freelance work. We were renting a cute second-floor condo and had turned our second bedroom into his studio. Although it was a small space, it was functional, and the view was amazing. Doug worked in front of a big window that gave him a terrific view of the Benicia straits. Every day giant tankers and ships would sail by, making a beautiful and grand sight out on the water.

Doug often listened to NPR while he was working. On this particular day, a public service announcement caught his attention. The sixty-second spot went something like this: “Do you or someone you know obsess about things and can’t seem to let them go? Does compulsive behavior interfere with your life? Then you may be suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

Wow, he thought. Maybe this is it. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The voice on the radio continued, “If so, there is a help line that you can call to get the information you or someone you care about needs. You can find specialists in your area that can help with obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

He reached for a pen and quickly jotted down the number.

As it happened, I only worked a half day that day, and when I got home I visited him like usual in his studio. He was unusually excited to see me: “I am so glad you’re home; I have something to share with you.” I could tell it was something big and serious. He had that this is important tone in his voice. He told me what he’d heard on the radio and handed me the piece of paper with the 800 number on it.

My hand trembled a little as I took the paper. I felt both excited and a little scared that there might be help out there. I could feel a little lurch of hope in my belly. Tears welled up in my eyes. I stared down at the phone and pushed each number slowly and with precision. Of course, I didn’t want to make a mistake while dialing the number. Mistakes, large or small, were still fuel for my OCD; I couldn’t handle being clubbed again by Sergeant.

Good fortune was upon us: the person who answered the help line told me there was an OCD specialist in my area. His name was Dr. Kalb. I immediately called his office.

Even greater—and incredible—good luck. Dr. Kalb answered his phone! Nothing about his calming and mellow voice scared me, which was unusual, because at this time everything seemed to scare me terribly. I described a little of what I’d been going through. He listened carefully and told me he could make an opening in his schedule that afternoon. I would meet with him at 2 p.m. in his Novato office. I didn’t know exactly where Novato was, but he said it was about forty-five minutes away from Benicia. I did know one thing for sure: hell or high water would not keep me from getting there.

After I said thank you with all my heart and soul to Dr. Kalb, I hung up the phone, stunned in disbelief. Still in tears, I said to Doug, “He’s going to meet with me today!” and fell into his arms. He gave me a strong, meaningful bear hug and offered to drive me up there. “No,” I said. “I think I can drive myself, if I can just stop crying.” I smiled a little at Doug and grabbed a tissue to wipe the tears off my face.

I’ve Been Fucking Robbed
(and the Big Reveal)

I have little memory of driving to Novato. I just seemed to appear in the parking lot in front of the brownish-red brick building that Dr. Kalb described on the phone. Somehow I found the right door with Dr. Daniel Kalb’s nameplate on it.

I proceeded to sit in the small waiting room by myself. The room was welcoming. It had some small, healthy plants on a shelf, and it was painted in unobtrusive, calming tan and beige colors. But I was still nervous as hell. I sat straight up like a board, feeling the intensity surging up and down my body. I was exhausted. The circles under my eyes were deeper and darker than usual.

Sergeant was with me, of course. He asked, “What if this guy, Kalb, is a serial killer? Should you really be here in his trap?” As these thoughts circled around inside my head, I stared intently at Dr. Kalb’s office door, trance-like, as though I were boring a hole through it. Then the door opened, slowly. There stood a man with a slender build, fair skin, and auburn hair. He was dressed nicely, casual in khakis and a plaid shirt. He introduced himself as Dan Kalb. I registered that the name he gave matched the name that he had given me on the phone earlier and felt relief. We shook hands.

I didn’t know what to do with myself until he suggested that I come into his office. He brought me over to a chair intended for me. He opened his hand toward it, suggesting that I sit there. The chair was light orange, and it was a fairly comfortable living room–like stuffed chair that you sink into a little. In contrast, I felt stiff, and my mouth was completely dry.

We talked a little bit, the usual kind of chat to fill the new space between two people. “Did you find the place okay? Were the directions helpful?” I had gotten pretty good at chitchat, while a larger part of me was completely disconnected. I wondered if he noticed that I did not make significant eye contact.

The room was bright and sunny; it felt like healthiness took place there, the antithesis of sickly and dead, the opposite of Sick Pond. The blinds behind Dr. Kalb were wide open, and the windows were very clean; I could clearly see the Bay Area mountains. It took every bit of my resolve to stay in my seat and not run out of the room. Thoughts raced in quickly like a line of marching soldiers. Oh my God, how am I going to do this? What if he is a serial killer? Sergeant quickl...

Table of contents

• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword
• Preface
• INTRODUCTION
• A Budding Relationship
• OCD Like a Brush Fire
• Storm of a Chaotic Mind
• Building Toward a Crescendo
• Getting to Know You
• Dancing Shoes
• Finding Nutrients
• My Life with Chimpsay
• Habits of Happiness
• Acknowledgments
• Additional Resources
• About the Author