The Power of Presence

Kristi Hedges

• Publisher: AMACOM
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9780814437865
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Success

Everyone, regardless of position or personality, can strengthen their presence. The Power of Presence shows how.

When some people speak, everyone listens. When they need commitment to projects, others jump on board. They just seem to have that indescribable "presence"--a subtle magnetic field around them wherever they go that signals authority and authenticity and attracts disciples with ease. Wouldn't it be incredible if doors opened as effortlessly for you? How amazing would it be if you could command the room like they do? You don't have to wonder; you can make it happen!

Filled with strategies, exercises, and personal stories from years spent coaching leaders, communications expert Kristi Hedges explains how to:

• Build relationships based on trust
• Rid yourself of limiting behaviors
• Embody the values you are trying to convey
• Explore how others see you and correct misperceptions
• Communicate in way that inspire

The key is to cultivate the communication aptitude, mental attitude, and unique leadership style needed to connect with and motivate others. Everyone recognizes a commanding presence when they see it, and soon they'll see it in you!

PART 1

INTENTIONAL

Understanding and Managing Your Presence of Mind

CHAPTER 1

What Are You Thinking?

Executive presence begins in your head. It resides in how you think about yourself, your abilities, your environment, and your potential.

Nearly everyone has an excellent presence; it may simply manifest itself in another part of your life. Perhaps you are charismatic and confident as your son’s baseball coach, or you are empathetic and inspiring to your best friend. You give a bang-up speech at your college friend’s 40th birthday party, or have just the right words to encourage your sister.

Intentionality is the driver of presence. All the communication tips in the world won’t make up for your thought patterns.

Most of what you need is right there in you, waiting to be tapped for your professional life.

If you are concerned that having executive presence means faking it, consider yourself reassured. The kind of presence that attracts other people to you, makes your team want to move mountains for you, and propels you ahead is the opposite of fake. It is pure authenticity—being more of the person you already are, without the mental subterfuge that gets in the way.

I-Presence starts with “intentional” presence, because it is the driver. There are no tips or tricks that will make up for a lack of intentionality. In fact, sometimes tips can make things worse. Many executives, fresh from tip-laden training in public speaking, find themselves even more nervous and less authentic than before because it feels forced. They have all the same feelings and anxieties about speech giving, but now they are also trying to remember to stand this way or gesticulate that way. You can buy an expensive car with all the latest features and a GPS, but if you don’t know the address of your destination, you won’t get where you want to go.

You need to pick up the right intentions and let go of what’s in the way.

Intentional Is as Intentional Is Perceived

You may be thinking, “Isn’t every functioning professional intentional? If I weren’t, I couldn’t keep my job.” Well, yes, you’re right. And I bet you can point to many times in your day when you aren’t as thoughtful about your actions as you could be—especially as it relates to your presence. And we can easily call out this tendency in other people, too.

Let me take a moment to describe what I mean by being intentional: I define having an intentional presence as understanding how you want to be perceived and subsequently communicating in a manner so that you will be perceived the way you want. It means aligning your thoughts with your words and actions. And it requires a keen understanding of your true, authentic self, as well as your impact on others.

There are different kinds of intentions. Some are broad and relatively stable, such as when you declare, “I want to be a visionary leader.” Other intentions are situational, such as, “In this strategy session, I must be the catalyst for change.” We’ll discuss various types of intentions in the chapters in Part 1, and how to put them into practice in your life.

Trust that intentions change your presence. I see it every day. You will, too.

You Are What You Think, Even When You’re Not Paying Attention

In January 2001, Harvard Business Review featured an article by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz labeling today’s executives as corporate athletes.¹ The article addressed how to bring an athletic training methodology to the development of leaders. This approach makes tremendous sense on a number of levels, and especially in terms of mental conditioning.

Anyone who follows sports knows the importance of an athlete’s focus. We all admired Michael Phelps at the Beijing 2008 Olympics as he listened to his iPod stone-faced, concentrating, before he dove into the water. We respect an athlete’s ability to use positive visualization and intention, and readily acknowledge its benefit.

Somehow, though, outside of athletics such rituals seem unnecessary or even silly. It reminds us of Al Franken’s famous Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley saying to himself in the mirror, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Taking the time to have the discussion with yourself about what you want to accomplish with your presence may seem more like pop psychology/self-help than hard-core executive training.

Guess again. Taking the time to figure out what you want your presence to convey is a critical and powerful first step. That is the image of yourself you want to keep in mind as you do your own dive into the water. It’s your mental aim.

The Wrong Internal Conversation: Why I’m a Disaster at Golf (and You Might Be, Too)

As you develop your mental aim, you also need to determine what conversation is currently in your head and how it may need to change. Even when you aren’t paying attention, your internal conversation is always happening.

Scott Eblin, author of The Next Level, convincingly describes intention as a “swing thought,” likening it to the last thing golfers think before their club strikes the ball.² (Eblin is a coaching colleague from Georgetown, and I have to thank him for the original comparison of intention to athletic focus—a common reference that’s helpful for so many people to think about.)

For anyone who has played golf, you readily get the swing-thought idea. And even if you haven’t, you can probably understand how hitting that tiny ball dead-solid perfect requires a whole lot of mental focus. It’s the make-or-break factor.

When I was in my early thirties, I decided to learn golf. I took lessons, got the right clubs, and practiced diligently. At the driving range with the pro, I wasn’t half bad. However, I was terrible when I got on the course. Competitive and averse to failure, I was self-conscious about how I played compared to others around me. I’d choke when I got to the tee and have an all-around miserable game. When I was paired with other golfers, it got even worse. Still I kept trying, remaining furious at myself for hitting well in practice and then falling apart on the course. After a few years with no improvement, I gave it up.

My golf-playing days were before I was a coach. At the time, I didn’t have the ability to fully understand what was happening. When I got up to the tee, my swing thought was literally, “Don’t embarrass yourself.” Is it any wonder that I was such a disaster?

Negative swing thoughts are alive and well off the golf course. I hear them from clients all the time, either stated or unstated. They include:

— I can’t speak in public.

— I’m not a people person.

— I’ll appear self-promoting.

— I’m an introvert and can’t network well.

— I’m just not good in these situations.

— I don’t have what it takes to play the office politics game.

Any of these pretexts sound familiar? If this is where you are placing your mental focus, you can bet it’s showing up in your presence, and maybe even screaming.

The intentions we hold in our head create mental shortcuts that become a path of least resistance.

Neuroleadership is discussed in-depth in Chapter 9. One of the main findings of those studying in this field is that our intentions actually shape how the human brain functions. The intentions that we hold in our head, either positive or negative, create mental shortcuts that become a veritable path of least resistance. The more we think something, the easier it is for our mind to process it. That’s why it’s critical to be fully aware of any negative thoughts blocking your progress. I’ve included an exercise (see sidebar) to help you “uncover your negative thoughts.”

Uncover Your Negative Thoughts

Find a quiet space to contemplate what you believe to be true about your presence. Write down any negative thoughts that may hold you back.

• What do you currently think about your own executive presence and your ability to affect it?

• What assumption of yours is getting in the way or holding you back, and why? How long have you felt this about yourself?

• Try on the idea that you already possess the presence you seek in the various areas of your life. What’s your reaction?

Knowing what our limiting thoughts are, and replacing them intentionally, is the only way to create a different possibility. Eventually, the possibility becomes the new and improved shortcut.

How Intention Plays in the Course of Work

A few years ago, I was coaching Alan S., a senior executive at a Fortune 500 finance company. He was frustrated because he felt that with his experience and background, he should be perceived as a high-performer with the C-suite in his grasp. Yet he was passed over for a promotion. Believing his communication style might be to blame, Alan hired me as his executive coach to work on it.

As I do with most engagements, I started out by speaking with Alan’s colleagues to get an accurate picture of how he was perceived by other people. (See Chapter 4 for how to conduct your own presence audit.) Their take was that Alan was rarely positive about other people’s suggestions. They felt that since he was overly critical, it was best to avoid him. He had great skills, they said, but it was easier to stay clear of him than to solicit his help. Who had the time in a busy day to be dragged down?

At first, Alan bristled at this feedback. He thought of himself as a pragmatist, but overall a positive person. After we delved into his thinking patterns, it became clear that more often than not, his pragmatism caused him to look for what could go wrong in a situation. Only after debunking every negative would he entertain any positive. We also assessed situations where he had face time with his colleagues and corporate officers: executive team meetings. Because there were so many voices competing during meetings, he tended to hang in the back of the room because he didn’t see his contribution as additive (pragmatism again). When I asked what his thoughts were in the meetings, he realized his internal dialogue was, “Don’t say anything stupid.” Sometimes he even scowled without knowing it, either in reaction to a comment or his own thoughts.

Not surprisingly, Alan was unintentionally making an impression, even though he believed that being in the background would keep him from making one. As I came to learn, he was actually a very caring person, but most of his colleagues didn’t venture close enough to learn that about him.

After diagnosing what wasn’t working, we began to create some new intentions that felt right to Alan. To develop them, we looked at leaders he respected and wanted to emulate, both inside the company and in his personal life. He stated a personal intention that he wanted to be seen as capable, positive, and helpful—someone his colleagues actively sought out. Next, we began determining when his stated intention counteracted his actions. One was obvious: He needed to smile more. He also made a conscious decision to hold back reservations when others brought ideas to him; in fact, he would even encourage what was good about their suggestions. He began to drop by people’s offices, just to talk or offer help. And he completely changed his role in executive team meetings by sitting near the middle of the room and making a point to contribute some...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Ebook Instructions
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface
• Introduction
• Part 1: Intentional: Understanding and Managing Your Presence of Mind
• Part 2: Individual: Forging Strong Relationships
• Part 3: Inspirational: Communicating to Build and Motivate Followership
• Acknowledgments
• Appendix: Quick Hit I-Presence Tips
• Notes
• Index
• About the Author