The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen

Getting Through to Family, Friends & Business Associates

Paul W. Swets

• Publisher: Touchstone
• Year: 1986
• ISBN:
  9781439137192
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: History & Theory in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Talking comes naturally…but getting people to listen is an art. This guide provides you with practical, proven strategies for mastering the art of effective, persuasive communication—the skill most essential to your enjoyment of other people and the achievement of personal success.

1
Play the
communication
game to win

You can if you think you can.1

NORMAN VINCENT PEALE

One of the greatest discoveries of our time is that an individual can control what he says and what he does by the way he thinks. Unfortunately, many people assume that they can’t control the way they express themselves. Day after day they go on making the same conversational blunders. But the fact is that anyone can match wits against the “opponents” of successful communication and win. Assuming that you have the desire to win, the principle so aptly expressed by Dr. Peale applies to you: “You can if you think you can!”

To reach new heights of conversational effectiveness, you will need to set some clear goals that define what you want to achieve. Your mind then acts as a “steersman,” guiding you with an awareness of the slight adjustments necessary to reach your goal. When NASA sent Apollo 17 and its crew to the moon, slight adjustments were needed throughout the flight in order to keep the rocket on track and enable it to reach its goal. If these adjustments had not been made at precisely the right time, the rocket would have strayed millions of miles from its target. Winning communication is the result of making small, significant adjustments in what you say and in how you say it in order to reach your goal.

THE ECSTASY OF WINNING

Communication that wins a positive response from others can provide you with a new way of life. Nothing is more essential to success in any area of your life than the ability to communicate well. Nothing can compare to the joy of communicating love, of being heard and understood completely, of discovering some profound insight from another’s mind, or of transmitting your own thoughts to a rapt audience. Self-concepts are enhanced, attitudes broadened, beliefs deepened, perspectives clarified, hopes restored, frustrations dissolved, hurt feelings healed. This is what Reuel Howe calls “the miracle of dialogue.” Therapists have seen such miracles occur in the midst of their counseling. Perhaps you too have experienced such miracles when your own communication has been successful. And when you play the communication game to win, a big part of the payoff is that your partner in communication wins, too!

THE AGONY OF DEFEAT

Our communication is not always successful. When Pope John Paul II visited the United States in 1979, it was rumored that a news reporter rushed up to him and asked what he thought of the go-go girls in New York. Having been warned by an aide that some journalists might distort his words, the pope hesitated, then asked cautiously, “Are there go-go girls in New York?” As the story goes, the next morning a front-page news article read, “The first question the pope asked upon his arrival here was ‘Are there go-go girls in New York?’”

Whether the story was apocryphal or not, it does demonstrate that no one is free from being misunderstood—not even the pope. Miscommunication has caused nations to go to war, businesses to go bankrupt, families to break up. Although communication technology has enabled us to penetrate outer space and make of our world a global village, we have failed to penetrate adequately that inner space of the human mind and heart.

Instead of creating understanding and closeness, our words sometimes produce the very opposite effect of what we intended. We hurt another—s feelings, provoke anger, and create psychological distance even when what we really desire are understanding, intimacy, and companionship. Instinctively we try to avoid these painful situations. We tend to “freeze up” in our conversations to prevent the recurrence of miscommunication. Topics of discussion become limited. Feelings are repressed or redressed to sound more attractive. But when true feelings are not expressed, the passions in our relationships die. Gradually even the quantity of conversation becomes less until in some cases there is only the agony of cold silence.

Somehow we must break this vicious cycle. We need a way to look objectively at our mistakes and learn from them.

INSTANT REPLAY

In the sports world, players and coaches study game films again and again to help them eliminate their weaknesses and capitalize on their strengths. The function of this book is similar to that of a game film or instant replay. It can help you to examine your conversations as objectively as possible and take a second look at what worked and what did not work. Through examined experience you can make the adjustments necessary to play the communication game and win.

THE PRINCIPLES OF THE GAME

Can we increase the number of times when thoughts are transferred from one to another freely and well? Can we isolate that which promotes communication and that which breaks it down? Can we change our attitudes, our choice of words, our very selves? Yes! Effective communication on a consistent basis is possible.

Three important principles in this book tell you why this is possible. First, communication is a learned behavior. If you have learned negative communication patterns, perhaps by default, you can also learn positive patterns, provided you know what a positive communication pattern is and how to develop it. Second, you can make a significant difference in the quality of your interpersonal communication. Although you cannot control how another person talks to you, you can control your own response to that person and greatly influence the results of your conversation. Third, when you act on new insights, you achieve understanding. The adage about learning is still relevant:

I hear—I forget.

I see—I remember.

I act—I understand.

Strategies are included in each chapter for putting your knowledge into action.

A word of caution: there simply is no such thing as instant success in communication. But if you commit yourself to the principles described in this book and apply the recommended strategies, you can expect positive results. You will begin to:

Examine your communication experiences more objectively, seeing strengths and weaknesses.

Listen with understanding.

Develop skills for solving communication problems instead of being immobilized by fear, anger, or hurt feelings.

Assert yourself, speaking your ideas an...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword!
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• 1 Play the Communication Game to Win
• 2 Express your Best Self
• 3 Eliminate Negative Communication Habits
• 4 Learn the Listening Art
• 5 Discover how Communication Works
• 6 Win People’s Attention
• 7 Develop the Courage to Say No
• 8 Establish Respect when Talking with Kids
• 9 Create Closeness with People you Care About
• 10 Dissolve Discord
• 11 Persuade People to Cooperate with You
• 12 Enjoy Success
• About the Author
• Notes
• Index