Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?

Dealing with All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends -- from Serial Borrowers to Serious Cheapskates

Jeanne Fleming, Leonard Schwarz

• Publisher: Free Press
• Year: 2010
• ISBN:
  9781416587897
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Finance

Your next-door neighbor's two-year-old broke your most expensive vase, and your neighbor hasn't offered to replace it. Your best friend expects you to shop at the boutique she just opened, though her very pricey clothes look terrible on you. And your sister says she needs $1, 500 to send her child to creativity camp, but you think what your sister needs is a job. What do you do? Such tricky and emotionally charged dilemmas involving money are ubiquitous. Yet few of us know how to handle them. In Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz - the authors of the enormously popular "Do the Right Thing" column in Money magazine and the blog of the same name on CNNMoney.com - dissect a host of thorny, sometimes comic, inevitably awkward, and frequently infuriating money-and-ethics problems that arise among friends, relatives and neighbors. Here's just a sample of the situations they respond to:

• Who gets Grandma's jewelry?
• I lent money to my niece, and now my brother wants a loan.
• My rich friend keeps encouraging me to do things I can't afford.
• Our brother is stealing our inheritance.
• Our freeloading friends are driving us crazy.
• I just made a bundle of money, and I don't want my family to know.

Fleming and Schwarz also report on the results of two groundbreaking surveys designed to illuminate the money-and-ethics problems we confront every day. The surveys reveal, for example, just how many of us have a friend or relative who's a freeloader or a deadbeat; how common we believe it is for someone to lie, cheat, or pretend to be loving in order to be in someone else's will; and the percentage of men - compared with women - who say you should never marry someone who is deeply in debt, no matter how much you love them. Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? offers a fascinating tour of the secret life of other people's money disputes and delivers witty, down-to-earth money advice for dealing with all the maddening problems any one of us could confront at any time.

Chapter One

I’ll Take the Flu

WHICH WOULD YOU rather have: a relative ask you for a large loan, or a bad case of the flu?

We asked this question of eight hundred people in a national survey, and you can probably guess what over two-thirds of them said: I’ll take the flu.

This book is about what to do when you can’t choose the flu.

Consider it a handbook for the awkward moments and uncomfortable situations that the intersection of money and personal relationships so often gives rise to. It’s about dealing with the brother-in-law you haven’t heard from since you lent him money and the nephew who always has his hand out, about friends who never pick up a check and neighbors who always need your car.

Of course, not every money-and-relationships problem is created by a mooch, freeloader, deadbeat, or other ethically challenged individual. An elderly parent’s ill-conceived will can turn even the closest brother and sister against one another. Disparities in wealth can create trying moments for the best of friends. And differences in perspective or expectation can lead honorable people to fiercely disagree about the ethical way to respond to a difficult situation.

Once upon a time it was sex that people felt uncomfortable discussing, but today it’s money. Not Warren Buffett’s money, or the money your neighbor got for his home, or the money it cost to take your kids to a ball game. It’s the money problems you experience with friends and family—problems you hate to mention for fear of sounding judgmental or just plain small, problems you’re slow to raise because you think a confrontation could be in the cards. It’s the forty bucks that your friend borrowed the last time you went out and that she’s never offered to repay. It’s your cheapskate brother showing up for Thanksgiving dinner with a single bottle of six-dollar wine. And it’s the additional money you worry your friends think you should have spent on their wedding present, even though you feel you’ve spent more than enough.

With his research, Alfred Kinsey revealed how utterly commonplace so many sexual practices and worries were to a world in which they were never discussed. We’re no Kinsey, but we have conducted a couple of surveys in unplowed fields ourselves—one for Money Magazine and one exclusively for this book. Together, they illuminate how ubiquitous moochers, deadbeats, cheapskates, and their like are and document just how much trouble these folks cause. Where Kinsey determined the percentage of Americans who said they engaged in extramarital sex, we can tell you how many people say they’ve got a freeloader in their family. And being, we admit, more judgmental than Kinsey, we’re prepared to tell you what to do about the bum.

But what if the money-and-relationship problem keeping you awake at night isn’t the fault of the greedy or the selfish? What if the sticky situation you’re facing originates from a will; from a misunderstanding over a loan; or from a promise, made with the best of intentions, that now appears impossible to keep? Again, we have research that reveals the prevalence of the problem you’re facing. And again, we’re prepared to help you solve it—to tell you how to deal with the mess created by that will, loan, or promise.

For the record, we are for honesty, generosity, kindness, and respect. But we are also for speaking up, drawing lines, and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. We believe there is nothing wrong with caring about money and everything wrong with pretending not to care about money—especially when it’s other people’s.

Reading our book won’t make your nephew who wants your money and your neighbor who wants your car disappear. But what it will do is give you enough ammunition—enough moral support—so that, when money-and-relationship troubles darken your door, you won’t feel like you’d rather have the flu.

Chapter Two

Take My Relatives, Please!

—George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

WE HAVEN’T COME across any research to this effect, but we’d be willing to bet that, when Neanderthals roamed Northern Europe, there were always a couple of guys on the hunt who inevitably grabbed the choicest cuts of reindeer and acted as if they hadn’t taken anything special. We’d also bet that each tribe had a guy who was always quick to consume his own berries, then kept asking others if they wanted all of theirs. And finally we’d bet that every Neanderthal at some point had to deal with a friend who borrowed his best spear, returned it with the tip chipped, and said “What could I do? My son was playing with it, and you know how kids are.”

Perhaps a few of these characters got the clubbing they deserved, but their genes most definitely survived. Listen to people today talk about their big family holiday dinner and, no matter how wonderful it was, you still hear about the aunt who went cheap on presents for the kids, the sister who thinks bringing pies exempts her from helping in the kitchen, and the brother-in-law who single-handedly drank all the hosts’ good Scotch—a fifteen-year-old single malt that he would never dream of buying for himself.

Every family today includes some otherwise perfectly fine people who are simply off when it comes to money matters. While most of us try to rise above our relatives’ flaws, that can be tough to do. Your resentment grows, your wallet suffers, and—having not been confronted on his or her bad behavior—your relative continues to misbehave.

If there’s good news here, it’s that you’re not alone—everyone has a couple of thoughtless or selfish relatives. Meet a few of the classics.

My brother bought a new car instead of repaying the loan I gave him.

When a relative cheats on your kindness

Question: A year ago, I lent one of my younger brothers $3,500 when his employer went bankrupt. Josh agreed to pay me $150 a month until the loan was paid off, and he has never been late with a payment. But six months ago Josh landed a well-paying new job, and last weekend he arrived at our parents’ thirty-fifth-anniversary barbecue in a brand new SUV.

My husband is furious. He feels that Josh should have paid me what he owed me rather than use my no-interest loan to help buy a car that happens to be a lot nicer than mine. I, too, wish my brother had paid me back before buying an expensive car. But since he’s never missed a payment, I don’t think Josh has really done anything wrong. Has he?

Answer: While your brother has lived up to the letter of your agreement with him, he has ignored the spirit of generosity in which the loan was made. You lent him $3,500 in his hour of need, not asking for security and not asking for interest. In return, your brother should pay you back at the earliest date he reasonably can, not at the latest date his agreement with you permits.

Normally it’s tough to find fault with someone who is faithfully paying off a debt as promised. But your brother wants to have it both ways. When he needed help—when he needed an unsecured, interest-free, four-figure loan—Josh turned to you as family. But now that he’s back in the chips, your brother is treating the loan as if it came from a bank.

For that reason, your husband’s not wrong to be upset. If Josh had a better moral compass, he’d have repaid the balance of his debt to you before buying that new set of wheels. At the very least, he should have spoken to you about his intentions before buying the SUV.

Do him a favor. Tell him where he went wrong. Being clueless may get Josh off the hook with his big sister. But most of the people he is going to deal with in life are likely to react to his self-centeredness just as your husband did.

My sister sold Mom’s engagement ring on eBay.

When someone sells a family treasure

Question: When my mother died, she left her very beautiful engagement ring to my sister. Carol, who didn’t particularly care for the ring and who prides herself on being unsentimental about family, promptly sold it on eBay. My other sister and I are heartsick about this. Since the ring was a family heirloom, didn’t she owe it to us to first ask us if we wanted it?

Answer: You bet.

It’s sad but true: Parents now and then leave a family treasure to precisely the person who will value it least. Sometimes the reason is simple (“She’s the oldest daughter, so she should have it”). Sometimes it’s more complex (“Maybe this will make her feel more connected to her heritage—and to me”).

Folks like your sister, who couldn’t care less about family items, have no ethical obligation to refuse such a bequest. But common decency dictates that, before disposing of an heirloom, they offer other members of their family an opportunity to buy it or trade for it. (The same holds true for heirs who simply need money a lot more than they need whatever family treasure they’ve inherited.)

Your sister behaved badly in disposing of the engagement ring the way she did. If you’re thinking it was meant to be a slap in the face to her mother—and to you and your sister as well—we think you may be right.

NOBODY’S PERFECT

We meant it when we said that everyone has at least a few relatives who are simply off when it comes to money matters. Here’s the proof:

We asked the participants in our survey whether—among their friends and relatives—there were any cheapskates, corner cutters, moochers, freeloaders, and the like. Here’s what they had to say.

	PERCENT WHO SAY:	TYPE OF PERSON
AT LEAST ONE FAMILY MEMBER IS	AT LEAST ONE FRIEND IS
Source: Fleming & Schwarz survey.
Cheapskate	49%	42%
User (person who takes advantage of others)	45%	35%
Corner cutter	42%	37%
Greedy in his or her dealings	40%	29%
Dishonest in his or her dealings	38%	26%
Moocher	36%	32%
Freeloader	35%	26%
Deadbeat	35%	22%

So if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re the only one who has to deal with a brother-in-law who always sticks you with the tab, a cousin who never repays a loan, or a friend who never refills the gas tank when he uses your car, wonder no more. These guys are everywhere.

Must I give my misguided brother investment advice he needs hut doesn’t want to hear?

When a family member is about to do something stupid

Question: My brother, a successful dentist who fancies himself a hotshot investor, recently bragged that he’s about to buy a large parcel of undeveloped land. I’m a CPA, and I happen to know a bit about investing in raw land. I also know that my brother has no idea of the risks associated with this type of investment—in particular, how illiquid it is. Am I obligated to tell him, even though I’m sure the last thing in the world he wants to hear is his big sister warning him, yet again, that he’s being foolish?

Answer: Why is it such a thankless task, saving the people we love from their own worst impulses? Fortunately, we’re rarely obligated to do so. Your brother’s an adult, and adults are entitled to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. In fact, once they both grow up, big sisters need to let their little brothers do just that. Only two circumstances obligate you to give your brother your opinion: if he asks for it, or if you think he’s about to seriously jeopardize his family’s financial resources.

Obviously you’re off the hook on the first count. So unless you’re worried a genuine calamity is about to occur—unless your brother tells you he’s betting the ranch on this one, or your sister-in-law turns pale each time he brings it up—you can in good cons...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three
• Chapter Four
• Chapter Five
• Chapter Six
• Chapter Seven
• Chapter Eight
• Chapter Nine
• Chapter Ten
• Chapter Eleve
• Chapter Twelve
• Chapter Thirteen
• Chapter Fourteen
• Chapter Fifteen
• Chapter Sixteen
• Chapter Seventeen
• Chapter Eighteen
• Chapter Nineteen
• Note on the Surveys
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author