The Enneagram in Love & Work

Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships

Helen Palmer

• Verlag: HarperOne
• Jahr: 2010
• ISBN:
  9780062031556
• Thema: Psychology
• Thema: Personality in Psychology

New from Helen Palmer, a "leading teacher and practitioner of the Enneagram" (San Francisco Chronicle), the first Enneagram book to give practical advice, in fascinating detail, on how to have the best possible relationships in love and business.

II
The Personality Types in Love & Work

1
One

The Perfectionist

The One Bias

Worldview

The world is an imperfect place. I work toward perfection.

Spiritual Path

A preoccupation with error points to a search for perfection.From a spiritual perspective, the child felt anger at being separated from the perfect environment of essence. Anger is focused on violations of standards. The commitment to perfection is at stake. Anger disturbs the serenity of being held in a perfectly balanced flow of events. Resentment develops from seeing the difference between life as it is and how much better life could be. The Perfectionist strategy is a child’s attempt to construct a perfect outer life both to cope with a critical world, and to protect the vulnerable sense of perfection. The search for perfection and a serene emotional life are both spiritual and psychological catalysts. The perfectionistic personality bias mimics the perfection of higher being.

Concerns

• Works toward perfection. Avoids error and evil.
• Self-denial causes anger. Unmet needs generate resentment.
• Finds an outlet for anger through correcting error and championing social causes.
• Acts out anger in three key areas of life:
  JEALOUSY in sexual or one-to-one relationships.

  NONADAPTABILITY, adopting rigid, inflexible social opinions.

  ANXIETY (WORRY) about personal survival. “Am I good enough to make it?”
• Looks for impeccable ethics as the mark of admirable character.
• Conscientious. Monitors own actions.
• Think right. Moralistic thoughts block real feelings. Should, must, ought to.
• Do right. Admires the practical virtues: work, thrift, honesty, and effort.
• Be right. Has severe mental critic that judges own actions. Harsh superego.
• Feels guilt about not meeting high internal standards.
• Dedicated worker. Work can block pleasure and shadow issues like anger.
• Has difficulty reading the signals of anger. “I’m energetic today, not mad.”
• Self-criticism reverses in self-defense to become critical of others.
• Worries about decisions. Afraid to make a mistake.
• This focus of attention supports ethical behavior. It can also lead to:
  • One-right-way thinking, right or wrong, black or white. No grays.
  • Has superb critical powers. Effective organizer and analyst.
  • Leads by example. Ethical policymaker who tries to uphold standards.

Personality Bias

We’re all familiar with the One mind-set because we adopt it when our values are questioned. When it’s a question of integrity, we, like Ones, search carefully for the correct approach. Once established in the right, we feel invincible. We’re in service, mistakes seem less important than the purity of the intent. We are suddenly kind to ourselves, because we see the value of our own efforts. It is an honor to dedicate oneself to something good.

A life dedicated to perfection requires heroic effort. You can’t help noticing when standards slip and no one else feels guilty. How can they ignore this? Have they no shame? The tension builds. Something has to be done. You start to see details slipping out of order. If others don’t notice and you do, then you’ll be held responsible. Your conscience goes wild when error is overlooked. “I saw. I knew. I’m guilty.” You can’t leave it alone. You feel compelled to fix it. You don’t recognize the rising signals of anger. The tension feels entirely appropriate. Tension means that you’re trying hard. You brace for greater effort.

If focusing on error becomes automatic, self-observation stops. All you know is that you’re working desperately hard, that you see loose ends everywhere, and you can’t rest until it’s finished. The scope of the task enlarges. More details appear. It’s late. It’s out of control. Your mind flogs you for being tired and helpless. It’s maddening that other people don’t care. You don’t realize how angry you are until you hear the jagged edge in your voice and feel the fury spiking through your body.

Anger leads to action. You can’t hold back that shot of lightning. You know exactly what’s wrong, because it’s infuriating. Something perfect has been ruined. You can’t keep quiet. You’re too mad to care about overreacting. Attention locks on the right way to fix what’s gone wrong, and anger fuels your conviction.

Ones grow by knowing what they want instead of what would be right. They grow by relaxing, by letting pleasure in. You have a choice when you can read the natural signals of anger and watch your mind begin to focus on error.

They can be helped in relationships by people who accept differences of opinion, who soften the one right way to perfection, and who are open to pleasure.

Subtype Focus:

Anger Affects Sexual, Social, and Survival Attitudes

Jealousy (Heat) in Sexual and One-to-One Relationships

Sexual jealousy is acted out in an angry, possessive way. Ones say it’s a white-hot rage that seizes their guts if a relationship is threatened. A threat to sanctioned pleasure is maddening. “How dare you take what’s rightfully mine?” Ones have such difficulty in recognizing what they want, and in allowing themselves to have pleasure, that any threat to gratification feels like losing a lifeline. You’ve earned the right to be loved. You deserve sexual pleasure. You’re angry at being compared with a rival. You want to be made right again. If you had been perfect, there would be no contest.

This is permissible anger, based on the misconduct of associates or a mate. Jealousy quickly becomes obsessive. Your mind is besieged. You can’t drop it. “This has to stop.” You feel a compulsion to relieve the tension, an urgency to take action. You have to check up, you must go see, you have to know exactly who said what to whom. You want names and dates. You want confrontation. The rival shouldn’t be here.

The focal point is fidelity, but jealousy extends far beyond a sexual agreement. You can be jealous of people who get promoted, whose ideas are taken seriously, who are popular figures at work. You need to feel right. You work hard at it and feel jealous when you’re not validated. Saying “I deserve recognition” or “You should have paid attention to me” feels safer than “I want” or “I need.” It is unthinkable to reach out openly and take what you want; but in cases of misconduct, “This has to be stopped” replaces the forbidden thought “I want to have.”

Nonadaptability in the Social Sphere

Anger is acted out through correct causes and social ideals. Religious fervor and political conviction are prime outlets for wrath. Ones face each other across the barricades at public demonstrations, each supporting his or her side as the one right way. Your position in a group is defined by uncompromising opinions. You often choose friends who share the same beliefs. Social rigidity eliminates gray areas, shades of meaning, and loopholes where error might creep in. You’ve found the right ideological platform and are entrenched in the tenets of a perfect ideal. Now you’re sure.

Once you take a position, it can be remarkably difficult to absorb new information. A decision should be either right or wrong. One error blows the whole decision apart. You’ll have to review all the pieces again. You can’t move without certainty. In extreme rigidity, the mind closes to alternatives. You can’t take in new information because it could shake the foundation of a whole belief system.

The nonadaptable, or rigid, stance is particularly obvious in conflicts of orthodox ideas. The right-winger ranting about homosexuals in the gay district. The left-winger selling radical bumper stickers, who makes buyers feel guilty if they don’t take one of each.

Anxiety (Worry) About Self-Survival

The conflict between doing what you want and doing what’s right creates anxiety about survival. You want an exciting career but balk at the risk. All the unknowns spring to mind. All that risk of error. It looks like an either/or choice. You either find a safe career or take the time to find out what you want. You worry about selling out for safety, and you’re terrified of a fatal mistake. Work decisions become monumental, because they trigger the inner tension between wants and shoulds. Wants are repressed. You don’t know what you want, but you become unconsciously angry about having to sell out for economic security.

Ones can be stingy about what they have and what they earn. They are isolated by the belief that people do not willingly share. Love and support are therefore not freely given. They have to be earned with good behavior. To survive you must hold on to what you have. “What’s yours is yours, and what’s mine is mine.” Everyone goes it alone in life. You support yourself and worry about having to support someone else. Worry and anger go hand in hand. Repressed needs flare up and are resentfully directed at people who don’t have to worry about their livelihood. “Why do I have to go through this?” “Why don’t you have to struggle?” “Life isn’t fair.”

Either/or thinking takes over. You can either be safe or be happy. You consider both sides of the decision. Procrastination sets in. The worry cycle starts. A bad choice could lead to catastrophe. “What if I pick the wrong profession? What if I can’t make it? What if the job market fails?” It’s not fair that hard work and sacrifice do not guarantee success. You can’t decide, because there’s a chance to go for the gold but you’re terrified about survival. A slave to circumstance.

Focal Issues

Righteous Anger

You know that anger is building when Ones get physically rigid and superpolite. When anger spills, it will be well documented. Ones have to justify being angry. They also say that anger comes with total grievance recall. The mistakes of the past come bubbling back again. Forgiveness feels like pretending the incident never happened. If you forgive and forget, the same mistake could be repeated. It’s wise to reassure a One. Admit the mistake again and put it in perspective. “That was then. This is now. But yes, I do remember.”

The grudge list also provides a safe outlet. If Ones are angry about something that can’t be expressed, an old source of irritation can reheat to become a discharge point. Reading the signals of forbidden feelings such as anger and sexual attraction can be a lifelong task for Ones. The feelings say: “I’m like a bottle with a cork in my mouth. Everything’s jammed inside and I can’t get it out, but I’m not angry.” The thoughts say: “There’s too much energy. I’m blanking-out. I have to leave.” It helps to name the physical sensations. Start with the obvious. “Belly tight. Jaw clenched. Going blank.” Then relax and collect yourself. These sensations may add up to anger.

Emotional Control

Ones weren’t allowed to express “bad” emotions. Consequently they have a long-standing fear of going out of control. Suppressed feelings magnify in importance. In the eyes of a child, anger might rise to murderous heights. Any wave of strong emotion began to feel dangerous and was suppressed. Self-discipline and emotional control were highly valued.

Clamping down sacrifices emotional information. It’s hard to know what you want, and you can’t register the difference between a minor flash of anger and full-scale fury. Ones often find themselves bracing against their feelings. Simple relaxation exercises are enormously helpful, especially when they are coupled with an attention practice that allows feelings to surface into awareness.

Compulsive Tendencies (Doing Things Right)

Desires and needs would surely emerge if you took time to explore and to question. So you fill the time. Free time makes you anxious. There’s never enough time. Time disappears in wall-to-wall activity. This Los Angeles contractor describes the rising tension that alerts him to his tendency.

I know that I’m stressed when I get compulsive. I’m suddenly thinking about bolt sizes and codes, when I usually just use whatever bolts are in the kit. I might have to test several times to see if a perfectly tight screw is really tight enough. I know it’s OK, but I have to go back and check, just in case. I even feel stupid about doing it, but I have to, or it might be wrong. I start rerunning the inspection codes, which I’ve already covered. Suddenly some small thing will be very important to check out, and I’m scared if I don’t go do it. So I have to go see. I’m OK if I check, so I go do it. It’s a relief to see that I did it right.

When Ones get focused, they’re unstoppable. There’s very little distraction outside the task at hand. The trick is to recognize the difference between working compulsively to block out anxiety and working because it’s a pleasure.

The Inner Critic

We have all experienced persistent inner talking to ourselves when we’re planning to do something risky or wrong, but this is only occasional. Ones describe their own internal thought statements as loud and intrusive: “A critical voice inside my head, that monitors my thoughts and feelings.” It’s like a superego run wild. The critic can be insulting and punishing. Ones say that they sometimes judge other people in sheer self-defense, to equalize the pressure. It’s a relief to notice someone else’s mistakes when your ...

Inhaltsverzeichnis

• Cover
• Title Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• I - Introduction
• II - The Personality Types in Love & Work
• III - The Directory of Relationships
• IV - Epilogue
• Bibliography
• Acknowledgments
• Also by Helen Palmer
• About the Author
• Copyright
• About the Publisher
• Notes