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Smack Family Robinson
Richard Bean
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eBook - ePub
Smack Family Robinson
Richard Bean
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'Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Doesn't do drugs. I'm worried about her, she's not normal.' 'It's the modern world. You can't judge kids by your own standards.' Things have changed since Dad set up the family business in the 60s: new products, more competition, and a bigger market. At the end of the day though, it's still all about cash and stock. But this is no ordinary family business â the Robinsons are drug dealers.
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ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Friday 24 October 2009, early evening. Lights up on GAVIN ROBINSON sitting on the upstage sofa. Heâs watching a nature documentary on TV. He is a man of sixty. He wears leather jeans, a âSoft Machineâ tour T-shirt from 196?, and slippers. He wears his long, grey hair in a ponytail. Throughout this scene he leisurely busies himself by grinding up some skunk with a skunk grinder, and making a joint. He finishes off a half glass of red wine on the coffee table in front of him. Enter CATHERINE from the kitchen. She is younger than he, maybe fifty and dressed in casual home wear, and slippers. She is drinking a glass of white wine. She has dark hair, dyed, and styled, and painted nails and toes. She is not so interested in the TV and sits and starts to sort an envelope of family photos.
GAVIN: (Pointing at the TV.) Thatâs him!
CATHERINE: Which one?
GAVIN: The big one! Behind that rock! Alf they call him, alpha male.
CATHERINE: What are that lot doing over there?
GAVIN: Theyâre the females. Theyâre waiting for him to make his move. Watch! Here he goes. Watch! Wahey!
CATHERINE: Ooh you couldnât train them to do that!
GAVIN: Go on my son!
CATHERINE: Uurgh! Do you have to watch it in high-definition?
GAVIN: I ainât gonna pay for me Sky, buy a big fuck off telly â
CATHERINE: â on tick.
GAVIN: â on tick, yes, and then watch penguins shagging in black and white am I.
CATHERINE: Itâs a shame innit.
GAVIN: Whatâs a shame?
CATHERINE: That youâve got a new high-definition flat screen colour TV, and penguins are black and white.
GAVIN: Thirty-five years!
CATHERINE: Oh! Look at that!
GAVIN: Itâs nature!
CATHERINE: Itâs disgusting! They shouldnât be showing this before nine oâclock, children might be watching.
GAVIN: There he is again! Ha, ha! Wait till you see the size of his bollocks!
CATHERINE: Bollocks? Itâs a penguin.
GAVIN: Penguins have bollocks.
CATHERINE: Do they? How many?
GAVIN: Two! You get two of everything in nature.
CATHERINE: Not two of everything. You donât have â
GAVIN: â Thereâs his bollocks! Can you see them? They look like slippers.
CATHERINE: Oh yeah. Arenât they sweet! They must get cold.
GAVIN: Cold?! Theyâre fucking penguins!
(Head in hands.) Iâve had thirty-five years of this.
Enter ROBERT from the hallway. He is a tall, heavily built man of thirty-five wearing a dark overcoat and a white shirt and tie. He starts to walk across the shagpile heading for the kitchen, but as soon as one foot is on the mat â
GAVIN/CATHERINE: â Shoes!
ROBERT looks at his feet on the shagpile, then goes around the sofa and takes up a standing position behind the sofa.
CATHERINE: How many times do you have to be told Robert?
ROBERT: Sorry Mum.
CATHERINE: This is shagpile Robert. Itâs not a carpet, itâs not for standing on.
GAVIN: Donât stand on it, donât shag on it.
ROBERT: Whatâs it for then?
GAVIN: Itâs like you Robert, itâs neither use nor ornament.
CATHERINE: I canât take it back to IKEA with your big stupid footprints on it.
GAVIN: Fucking Swedish bastards.
CATHERINE: Iâm barred from IKEA.
ROBERT: What did they bar you for Mum?
CATHERINE: Fighting.
ROBERT: Sheâs dead. (Beat.) Pammy.
CATHERINE: Iâm sorry Robert. Gavin!
GAVIN: Iâm trying to watch this!
CATHERINE: Sheâs died. His Pammy.
GAVIN: (Not looking away from the TV.) Sheâs gone has she?
ROBERT: Yeah. Pneumonia.
CATHERINE: (To GAVIN.) I told you to get the central heating fixed!
GAVIN: How did I know it would be my fault!
CATHERINE: (Holding up a photo.) She was a lovely girl, Pammy, even if she was from Teddington. Have you seen this one on the ferry? Your dadâs doing that face of his, ha ha!
GAVIN does his joke photo face with the eyes closed. CATHERINE and GAVIN laugh. Robert steps forward to look at the photo and in doing so steps on the shagpile.
GAVIN/CATHERINE: Shoes!
ROBERT: Sorry Mum!
ROBERT goes back to his spot and puts his slippers on.
CATHERINE: Weâre all sorry Robert. Arenât we Gavin!? Mute that will you! Talk to him! Itâs not every day his fucking wife dies!
GAVIN mutes the TV.
Say something then!
GAVIN: Did you get any ham?
CATHERINE: What!?
GAVIN: Heâs been at the West Mid hasnât he. I told him to go into Isleworth and pick up some of their nice ham.
CATHERINE: Oh yeah. They do lovely ham in Isleworth.
GAVIN: Beautiful.
CATHERINE: Robert! Any time youâre near Isleworth pop in and pick up some of their nice ham.
ROBERT: Pen...