The Wounded Heart Companion Workbook

Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Dan Allender,Karen Lee-Thorp

Find help and hope for your journey toward healing.
Thousands of men and women have experienced life-reviving healing from Dr. Dan Allender's The Wounded Heart. This companion workbook will help you work through the complex issues of sexual abuse in a concrete way. Designed to be used on your own or in a group, the workbook will lead you step by step through the process of change: facing the truth about past and present experiences and feelings; wrestling with God, other people, and yourself; and understanding the goals and fears that have determined how you relate to others. It also includes specific sections for men, ideas for discussion-group facilitators, and reflective quotations from other victims of sexual abuse.

CHAPTER 1: GETTING STARTED

YOU’VE DONE WHAT MANY PEOPLE never find the courage to do: You’ve picked up a workbook on sexual abuse. Chances are that you know or suspect that this topic is relevant to you. This workbook is designed for use by women and men who know or suspect that they have been sexually abused. If you are considering this workbook for a friend or relative, you might want to read through it before you give it to your loved one. The more knowledgeable you are about what your friend is going through, the more able you will be to support him or her in the process. And perhaps you may find some of the issues touching your own heart.

If you are considering using this workbook for yourself, your decision is even more courageous. You’re considering not just reading about abuse but actually grappling with the ways abuse has affected you personally. For many people, the most difficult step toward recovery is deciding to label that suffocating shadow that looms over your past as “sexual abuse” or even “incest.” Why is that step so hard? We’ll explore that in chapter 2.

If you decide to use this workbook, you’ll need to locate a copy of the latest edition of The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender, if you have not obtained one already. The exercises in this workbook will refer to ideas explained in the book, and you’ll probably want to refer to the book frequently as you move through the workbook. Either before or after completing this chapter of the workbook, you should read pages xv–xxiv and 231–49 of The Wounded Heart.

WHAT’S YOUR AGENDA?

Before you decide to use this workbook, you should know where we are coming from. If you disagree with the assumptions that underlie this workbook, then naturally you won’t want to waste further time on it. If you aren’t willing to make the commitments that we think will make the workbook most helpful to you, then we’d advise you to put it away for a while. (But, of course, we know you’ll do whatever you want.)

Basic Assumptions

1. Our goal in this workbook is to help you grow more loving toward God and others, not to help you alleviate pain. We assume that your ultimate goal is love, not pain relief.
2. Growth always involves time and struggle. Strong commitment and plenty of knowledge are valuable, but they won’t make time and struggle unnecessary.
3. The time frame for growth is a lifetime. We speak of growth, not recovery, because strictly speaking, recovery suggests that it is possible to fully recover from the effects of evil on our lives.[1] But we sadly acknowledge that our disease is incurable and terminal. We will die of it. Yet in Francis Schaeffer’s words, we can hope for “substantial healing” in this life and total recovery in heaven.
4. The struggle we face is threefold: (1) We struggle with ourselves: Who am I? Why am I here? Why do I do the things I do? How can I change? (2) We struggle with others: Given that people hurt us, how should we deal with them? (3) We struggle with God, for if God did not exist, we would be attached to nobody, responsible to nobody, limited by nobody’s rules. We would be free to do whatever we like, and we would like that freedom very much.
5. Change is inevitable if our hearts are willing to struggle with self, others, and God. We have confident hope of becoming like the priceless woman: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31:25).

Basic Commitments

1. I will go at the speed that is suited for me. I realize that will be slower than I would prefer. I am even willing to go through this workbook several times, each time facing the issues by asking tougher and deeper questions of myself.
2. I will not use this workbook to damage or judge myself. If I find myself doing that, I will put this workbook away until I can use it for good.
3. I will move in whatever direction seems consistent with God’s plan for me. If that means putting this workbook away for a time or going very slowly, I will do that, rather than gutting it through to the end. I don’t get points for finishing the workbook.
4. At some point, I will open the door to community to help me in my struggle. I will allow another person to see my struggle, and I won’t make myself do it all alone.

HOW DOES THIS WORKBOOK WORK?

This workbook is designed to be used by individuals and groups who want to grow freer from the effects of sexual abuse. If you are thinking about meeting with others to discuss the exercises, watch for the gray boxes later in this chapter. Gray boxes contain help for groups.

You’ll also notice unshaded boxes off to one side of the exercises. An unshaded box contains the thoughts of another victim[2] on one of the issues discussed in an exercise near it. Sometimes reading how someone else puts his or her experiences into words can help you see a way to put your own thoughts into words.

This workbook is for both men and women who want to address the issues of sexual abuse. The questions are written for both genders, but there are times when a question is better suited for a woman than a man. We encourage men to ponder the statements that are written for women. A better understanding of women is not only worthwhile for dealing with women but will also shed light on issues that are similar for a man.

At other times, we found it helpful to focus some of the questions more directly on the male experience. Those questions are labeled “For Men Only.”

Some of the exercises ask you to answer a question or fill out a checklist. You can take as long as you need on those. Don’t feel compelled to choose one of the items in a list as being true for you. Maybe nothing in a given list applies to you. We haven’t included “Other” or “None of the above” as possible responses in every case, but if “None of the above” is true for you, write in what’s true! Also, checking items in a list is not necessarily “proof” that you have been sexually abused. Persons who have not been abused could check several of the items listed under question 1 in this section, for example.

“I have been fortunate to find a friend. . . . She and I have talked through hours and hours of experiences. She acts as my mirror; she has been impactable and accepts me as much as anyone I have known. She has the integrity to deal with our relationship and how we relate to one another. . . . I do not believe I would be this far if it were not for this relationship. It has given me the experience of being known and accepted anyway.”

In addition, many chapters include at least one chance to do journal writing. In journal writing, you set a timer, and during that block of time you write everything that comes into your mind. You don’t stop writing until the timer sounds, and you don’t censor what you write. You forget about grammar, punctuation, and spelling. You don’t cross out words and change them, but you can write the new thought as well. If you run out of thoughts, you can write “I’m blank. I can’t think of anything to say. This is frustrating.” until you have more to write.

If you are a perfectionist or critical of yourself, this kind of journal writing will be a healthy challenge for you. It will give you a chance to find out what is really going on inside your head underneath your filters of “I should think this” and “It would be more godly to feel that.” Free journal writing is great for surfacing thoughts you weren’t aware of. It’s no news to God what you are really thinking, so you might as well know too.

Setting a time limit should make it easier to throw yourself into the writing. You can survive twenty minutes if you know you can quit then.

If you are visual, artistic, or prefer pictures to words, you can replace journal writing with some kind of picture-making or you can do both. You can draw a picture, paint, or make a collage. You can use crayons on newsprint to write your journal exercises and vary the colors as your feelings change. We’ve provided space in this workbook for journaling, but you can do those exercises in a separate notebook, on canvas—wherever you like.

If you crave control, isn’t it good that you have so much control over how you use this workbook? You can skip over exercises that are side issues for you and focus on the ones currently surfacing in your life. You can determine the time, place, and circumstances in which you will do exercises.

WHERE AM I TODAY?

Before you set out into unknown territory, it’s worthwhile to find on a map the place you are starting from. Change is a process, and nobody goes through it in the same order, at the same speed, or in the same way as anybody else.

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