IV
Hair Sestina
I’m twenty-four and yes, by now I know
I have a problem. “Oh, but don’t we all?”
everyone jokes as if it’s really brilliant.
But not like this. A slippery chunk of life
has slid on by, and still I am without
an inkling of real knowledge about black
hairstyles. Some bus driver says, “You’re ‘black’
in name, but you will never really know
their struggles.” Their. It sticks. I’m left without
a comeback (since I know it’s true). She’s all
proud now and continues on, “Your life
seems easier than most.” Gee, that is brilliant.
I’m not sure if I’m hurt or not. A brilliant
professor told me once (her hair dyed black
as licorice bites), “Sometimes, you know, in life,
you’ll want to cry but can’t. Just so you know,
the answer is to bite your thumb. That’s all.”
My cluelessness, though? Soon, I’ll be without
a thumb, a life, a man to dine with. (Out
of time.) I only care about hair now. Brilliant
black scholar is what I aim for. I spend all
my leisure time these days researching black
hair looks. I nod, I practice, hope I’ll know
a twist-out when I see it. I watch Life
(the one with Eddie Murphy), plan a life
where someday I’ll have cornrows, braids, without
the insecurity. Should I—oh no,
no flashcards. What’s the point of being brilliant
when I wear white girl hair to Sam’s Club, lack
inheritance and understanding? All
I know is this: it wouldn’t be right to call
what happened to me abandonment. See, life
can be too hard for us, including my black
father, once-Marine, six two, without
someone to speak to, even me. Not brilliant,
but he could have helped me come to know
my hair, my blackness, self. Oh, well. Without
some emptiness, what’s life? Twenty-four. “Brilliant.”
“Accomplished.” All I know is what I don’t.
My Hair: An Epic
Part 1: The Tween Years
It never knew how to behave, a problem
child long before I was. Whatever
I begged of it, it did the opposite,
a stubborn bitch. Exhausted mother never
knew what the hell to do about it, either,
and watched on helplessly while it inflated,
crackled. Twelve years old, I was dubbed “Frizzy-
Haired Freak” while giggling friends of mine were rated
eight out of ten by boys who reeked of Axe
and sweat, the stench of children turning men.
(It’s true, my friends were flawless: lovely lashes
as long as highways, cheap eyeliner pen
we passed from girl to girl, kneecaps like potholes
in ripped-up Abercrombie jeans.) My hair—
“curly” would be a generous descriptor—
was neither “black” nor “white.” I wouldn’t dare
to call it “ethnic.” Even then, I knew
how . . . wrong . . . that was, how lazy. So, I reasoned,
some things (or people) can’t be labeled. I
craved my own hairstylist who, with ease and
grace, would transform me into a beauty,
a nymph, a supermodel, Halle Berry.
At first, no one would recognize me, gasping
when I walked through the halls. It would be scary
just how breathtaking I had become,
the bullies insignificant and dumb.
Part 2: The Teen Years
I wanted to be anything but what
I was, so I invested in a treasure,
a straightener: expensive, red, and bulky.
Toxic clouds of hairspray for good measure,
too. Each early morning, I would rise
from whatever cruel night terror was killing
me, plug in the lifesaving machine,
and wait to scorch my hair off, now fulfilling
my dream, my duty really, to be hot,
and what else mattered? Certainly not sleep,
or health, or anything resembling sanity.
Did it look great? No, not at all, and deep
inside myself, I knew that. I looked just
like everybody else, though, and for now,
that was enough. I charmed my way through science
courses, wrote long essays. I would vow
to earn all fives on my APs and perfect
grades. I suddenly had suitors. Life
was just how I had wanted it to be,
so why was I so sad? I’d take a knife,
the sharpest in the kitchen, and I’d press
it to my inner wrists, never quite hard
enough to actually bleed. I wasn’t certain
that death was what I really wanted. Scarred
by childhood taunts and nicknames, I thought straight
hair would solve it all. Instead, I lost
hours and hours of sleep so I could look
generic. Tell me, please: At what cruel cost
do we conform? I had issues to work
through: father’s death, his life, a ...