The Thing Beneath the Thing

What's Hidden Inside (and What God Helps Us Do About It)

Steve Carter

• Editore: Thomas Nelson
• Anno: 2021
• ISBN:
  9780785235590
• Argomento: Teologia e religione
• Categoria: Ministro del culto cristiano

We all have a surface self we present to the world, but our smiling faces often hide our pain that comes from unsuccessful attempts to find relief through harmful choices. How can we keep past wounds from damaging us? Learn to allow God to heal triggers, insecurities, and more so you can experience spiritual health and wholeness.

Every driver knows the importance of avoiding potholes when navigating a route. Besides the uncomfortable bump, they can create permanent damage to vehicles and endanger entire roadway systems.

The same is true of our lives. We all have potholes that have been formed by pain, trauma, or choices that we've made. Usually we find a quick fix, filling the hole with activities and even addictions disguised as culturally acceptable life choices. But before long, the hole is back—and often wider and deeper—waiting to catch us off-guard, which in the end creates even more permanent damage.

In The Thing Beneath the Thing, pastor Steve Carter asks the simple question, "How is life working for you?" He knows that potholes exist and that the longer we live disconnected from answering this question, the more we will fill those holes with harmful choices. The solution? Allow God to fill them with His grace and love so that we can discover the beauty of peace and wholeness He has for us.

The process lies in discovering our:

• Triggers: the setup that sets us off
• Hideouts: where we go to escape the pain of our story
• Insecurities: the false stories we create about ourselves
• Narratives: the false stories we create about others
• Grace: the place where we discover how to become whole, holy, and spiritually healthy

Journey with a seasoned fellow traveler who has learned how to ask key questions that help us unlock the places where we've buried things. Then we can dig deep, invite healing, and learn new ways to operate so we can begin experiencing the life of freedom Jesus promised.

PART ONE

THE SETUP THAT SETS YOU OFF

01

WHY DO I DO THOSE THINGS I DO?

Same as it ever was.

—TALKING HEADS, “ONCE IN A LIFETIME”

I do not understand what I do.

—THE APOSTLE PAUL, ROMANS 7:15

WHEN HEARING ABOUT THE MORAL DOWNFALLS OF celebrities, pro athletes, government officials, pastors, or even neighbors, do you ever find yourself wondering aloud, “What were they thinking?”

It’s hard to imagine someone hopping out of bed one morning after hitting snooze a couple of times and saying, “Today’s the day! Today I’m going to completely sabotage all the good in my life and wreck my career, forfeit my integrity, and damage the relationships that mean the most to me.”

I think we all can agree that doesn’t happen. So then, why do those things come to pass again and again, over and over?

Is the answer as simple as what Paul decreed almost two millennia ago? “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Rom. 7:15).

Is there no understanding for the choices we make? Can it be that life is just a thing that happens to us, and we are unable to control our physical and emotional behaviors?

Really?

Over the last decade, I’ve become fascinated by this question of why people do regrettable things. Or, better said, why do I do what I do?

I’ve discovered there is always more at play than meets the eye. We can’t presume to know what makes us or others tick. The more I grow in faith and self-awareness, the more I’m beginning to see up close that . . .

We are all mysterious and wild, a collection of sounds and stories inscribed over the years.

We are all made up of hopes, fears, and desires.

We are all products of the messages of love and shame we’ve received.

We are all full of energy, excitement, and oh so many feels.

It’s who I am.

It’s who you are.

Sacred and holy.

The weight of feeling not enough and way too much—often in the very same breath.

Every room you walk into, you bring this.

Your whole self.

All of you.

Yet most of the time you and I are unable to locate and identify what is churning within. Like shadows that follow us, our outward attitudes and actions reflect the steps our internal worlds set. We have become functional yet disconnected. Efficient yet unaware. Our bodies carry both truths and lies—every narrative we have ever been subjected to.

Fiction as well as nonfiction.

The body knows.

It holds.

It controls—all of us, until we honor its whole truth.

Where Are You, Really?

We often work to silence and distract ourselves. We escape to those things that we’ve learned can temporarily soothe us and create distance from the pain or sadness or shame we feel. A dear friend of mine once shared that his first recollection as a child was of falling, scraping his knee, and crying. Jared walked to his mom with both arms raised, looking to be held and comforted. Instead his mom handed him an OREO and told him to stop crying.

Just imagine it. Longing for the embrace of a parent and being handed fifty calories of milk’s favorite cookie to make the pain go away. That day began Jared’s lifelong battle of turning to food as the magic solution to make everything feel okay inside whenever he encountered painful experiences.

Some of you might be thinking, Come on, man. There are much worse things that can happen to a kid than being handed a cookie. But here’s the deal: Kids are perceptive. They’re just not the best interpreters of reality. Without helpful guides and mentors, they’re left trying to make sense of and tangibly apply new information on their own. Sadly, the majority of the time, people grow up returning again and again to these unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving. Richard Rohr wrote, “Using a scapegoat is our much-preferred method. We deny our pain, sins, and suffering and project them elsewhere. This ancient method still works so well that there is no reason to think it is going to end or change. Until we are enlightened by grace, we don’t even see it; it remains safely hidden in the unconscious where it plays itself out.”¹

One OREO became the genesis of an ongoing unhealthy, intimate relationship with food that lasted years. This relationship sabotaged opportunities for connection with actual living humans. Until he was retrained to enjoy a healthy relationship with food, Jared felt powerless in situations of struggle, loss, and trauma. Patterns formed as a child seeking comfort eventually lead to broken relationships, significant isolation, and cycles of deep sin.

But if you had met Jared back then, before he identified what was really going on, you wouldn’t have had a clue he was struggling in these ways. By all accounts, he seemed fine. Totally together. You would have had no reason to conclude that his relationship with food was holding him back from true intimacy.

And neither would he. When Jared and I first started meeting to discuss his commitment issues, food wasn’t even on the radar. It took months for that realization to factor into our conversations.

Welcome to the thing beneath the thing.

Ten years ago, my wife wanted us to try a full-body detox for a few days. I said sure, not realizing what I was getting myself into. A “few days” turned into twenty-eight days of removing everything that tasted good from our diet. A month of flavorless soup. Smoothies that rivaled composted trash, liquified. I’m not being dramatic. It was bad.

About a week into this experiment, we became increasingly irritable. More tired. More emotional. What was happening?

Apparently the food we’d been putting into our bodies affected more than just our waistbands. And a lifetime of certain foods had made our bodies dependent on them. As we began to expel these toxins, the process became more holistic. All facets were affected—not just the physical, but the mental and emotional too.

Specifically, when I removed soda from my regular diet, I became aware of how much I depended on the sugar and caffeine to give me that extra boost to make it through. Every day around 3:15 p.m., I would drink a can of Dr. Pepper (i.e., the nectar of the gods). Without even realizing it, I’d become reliant on this pick-me-up. My dependency was not on the Holy Spirit to give me strength. Instead, my holy trinity was Father, Son, and Dr. Pepper.

Taking soda away absolutely wrecked me for the first few weeks and sent shock waves throughout my system. My joints ached. My body was fatigued. And every Sarah McLachlan dog commercial had me in tears. This was a strange wake-up call. Until that detox, I had no idea I was using substances to avoid parts of my life. I began to wonder, What other mediums am I attached to? What, other than the Spirit, am I using to feed, comfort, soothe, numb, and help me escape my actual life?

So, I took inventory:

Food.

Clothes.

Experiences.

Wine.

Sex.

Influence.

Opportunity.

People.

Achievement.

Money.

Approval.

Comparing.

Goals.

Villainizing.

What would happen if I replaced these things with the goodness of God? Would his peace truly be enough? I wasn’t so sure. I really enjoyed Dr. Pepper.

For the first time in a long while I was in touch with my body, my feelings, my sadness. The deeper parts of me.

And I absolutely hated it.

For years, I had functioned from a place of detachment from this deeper self, wanting to silence the voices of contempt, numb the grief I had stored up, and escape. I’ll save that story for another time, but suffice it to say, I was messed up.

So I’d made myself busy.

Or bought something on a credit card with money I didn’t have.

I ran to food to soothe and drinks to comfort.

I lost myself in social media.

I villainized those who appeared further along—anything to excite the imagination and lead me away from me.

I hurt those closest to me by constantly overpromising and underdelivering, only to later apologize. I expected my simple “I’m sorry” to make things better, but without committing to change, nothing changed for good.

All the while I was unaware that my behaviors reflected my attempts to cover up agony. That I was afraid to let my true self be truly seen.

I siphoned the good out of an object, experience, or person to feed my needs, then moved on. Buying a new pair of shoes wasn’t about delight; it was pure escape. Yet the pain became even louder, like an untamed beast raging out of control. As a result, my desire to numb out only became greater.

I became even busier.

Sought bigger stages.

More success.

More approval.

More food.

More sex.

More fuel for my sin strongholds.

Less awareness of my true need to be seen and loved.

Even less awareness of the grace that was readily available if I would only surrender to it.

Until I derived this revelation by removing Dr. Pepper from my diet. How’s that for an aha moment? During this season, I wrote in my journal something I sensed God whispering to me: How is life working for you?

How is life working for your pace?

How is life working for your stress?

How is life working for your friendships?

How is life working for your marriage?

How is life working for your heart?

How is life working for your soul?

All I could write in response was, “It’s just not. I need help.”

My friend, how is life working for you?

Unfortunately, many of us are merely existing, relying on toxic tools to keep us insulated from feeling much. Without awareness and intentionality, we’ll keep feeding our sin strongholds. Using sugar and caffeine to get through an afternoon slump isn’t such a big deal, right? Except that, for some of us, our consumption may be about more than that. It might point to underlying turmoil and some pretty deep wounds. On the surface, you see a guy drinking soda again. Or gaming on his phone again. Or detailing his car again. But underneath, there’s a person disconnecting from his truest self.

We all do this, with similar yet different variations. Soothe. Distract. Numb. Escape our negative feelings. These actions take us right back to the very beginning. To the story of God and the time when a man and a woman were running through a garden, looking for a place to hide from him. They’d heard God moving toward them through the lush foliage and ducked behind a tree. But God called out, “Where are you?” (Gen. 3:9).

He wasn’t inquiring about their GPS location.

He knew where they were, physically.

He was asking something more profound.

God...

Indice dei contenuti

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword by Ann Voskamp
• My Moment of Madness
• Part 1: The Setup That Sets You Off
• Part 2: Courageous Curiosity
• Part 3: Living Whole, Holy, and Spiritually Healthy
• Benediction
• Acknowledgments
• Notes
• About the Author