The Minister's Manual for Funerals

Al, Jr. Cadenhead

• Editore: B&H Books
• Anno: 1987
• ISBN:
  9781433676697
• Argomento: Teologia e religione
• Categoria: Ministro del culto cristiano

The plans for this book began several years ago as I personally sought quality resources for my work with grieving families. With such an abundance of homelectical materials in general, I was concerned that there seemed to be very little to offer guidance for the funeral setting. The goal of this book is to provide resource material for a setting that has so much potential for ministry. - From the Preface.

1
Pastoral Care in the Grief Setting

Claiming the Role

Dr. Carlyle Marney once began a sermon by looking over his congregation and saying, “What a bunch of losers!”¹ In so doing he did not mean the usual understanding of a loser. Instead, he was alluding to the fact that for each of us, time eventually runs out. Not one is exempt. Sooner or later death breaks into our circles and we become persons of grief, acquainted with sorrow. In one sense we all really are a bunch of losers.

There will be few times in the life of a pastor when the potential for ministry will be greater than when death invades the ranks of a family. This time is an excellent opportunity for a pastor to approach a family from within a role that has two important elements.

The minister offers, first of all, himself. The gift of his presence, support, and encouragement is not to be valued lightly. Although the role carries with it certain expectations, the minister reaches out not just because he is expected to do so. He approaches the family because he cares and wants them to know it.

Secondly, as he moves toward that grieving family, more than just his own concern is communicated. As a minister he has the opportunity to provide an embodiment of Christ's love in a physical, tangible way. In a time of great need, the minister becomes a visible reminder of God's presence during these hours of pain.

In describing the symbolic role of the minister, Wayne Oates said, “The Christian pastor, then, is a representative of God, commissioned to bring the ruling sense of the presence of God to bear upon the conflictweary lives of men and women.”² There can be little debate that the death of a family member creates the conditions for a weary soul. The minister becomes an agent of help and healing because he carries with him more than his own personal presence. Never take for granted the mystery of the symbolic role of a minister.

Therefore, the pastor usually is very quickly and readily received in these circumstances. In very few circumstances will the symbolic role of the pastor be ignored or rejected. Even families who have never developed a strong relationship with their church or minister will frequently open themselves to the ministering spirit of their pastor.

There is also the opportunity for the development of a relationship that is unequaled in the normal routine of life. The potential exists for persons who have become church “drop-outs” to be redeemed back into a productive relationship with the institutional church because of the care extended by the minister and church family during a time of grief. To ignore an opportunity for ministry so full of potential is tragic indeed.

In most cases the role of the minister is readily received by the grieving family. In many functions, the minister must slowly earn the authority granted him. In the context of personal loss, the role of the minister is usually granted by nature of his position in the local church. It is truly an opportunity to symbolize the warmth of a loving God at a time of need, even great pain. The place to begin for any minister is to claim this sacred role.

Guiding Principles

There are very few hard and fixed rules to follow when dealing with grieving families. However, a compassionate spirit and a little common sense go a long way.

Timely Response

There are some general principles that ministers should consider when ministering to a grieving family. Some of these are more within the realm of the practical than the theological. For example, it is important that the minister make a timely response to the grieving family. The message concerning the death will frequently interrupt the immediate plans of the minister. Depending upon circumstances one may not be able to contact the family immediately. However, be careful about indefinitely postponing a response. To make an assumption that the family knows you care is a dangerous proposition. Prompt response is crucial.

This response does not demand a siren and a race to the family. Yet, to wait for a long period of time before making contact may take on the appearance of unconcern, justifiable or not.

Do not be offended if the word comes to you indirectly. In many cases the family will contact you directly. In other circumstances an extended relative or friend may be the contact person for you. It very well may be the funeral director who notifies you of the death. Regardless of who tells you, you should immediately begin the process of making contact with the family.

A brief telephone call may suffice for the moment. This call to the family will accomplish several purposes. In so doing, you let the family know that you have received the word about the death. One of the many anxieties for a family during a death/crisis is the process of notifying relatives and friends. The family can relax that, at least, contact has been made with their minister.

If you do not plan to go to the family immediately, this call provides an opportunity to let them know when they can expect you. Your visit, in most cases, is important enough that a family will have interest in visiting privately. In some cases you will want to set a time very soon. In some cases a later time will be appropriate. A little common sense will be quite valuable at this point.

Since the death may have occurred quite recently, the chances are good that details of the funeral have not been formulated. Therefore, during this initial telephone call, do not become overly concerned about these details. If the family has already discussed them, they will usually offer readily any information to verify that the details do not present a conflict for the minister or ministers involved. When making contact with the family, you should give them the opportunity to request that you lead the funeral. There will occasionally be some peculiar circumstances when the family might want someone else to do the funeral or, at least, take the leading role. A family member may be a minister, and the family might request this person's leadership, with no insult intended toward anyone else.

Unfortunately, there are occasions when the relationship between a minister and a particular family may be strained and they would simply prefer someone else. On most occasions, fortunately, families want their local minister to lead them during these difficult moments.

If you are separated by great distance or some other extenuating circumstance when you make the initial telephone call, it may be quite appropriate to discuss funeral date and time. However, if you will be with the family in a very short while, the personal visit in their home provides a much better environment to discuss details.

Do not overlook the opportunity to use this initial telephone call as an occasion to pronounce a blessing. Your voice and presence symbolize the warmth of a loving God. Words of assurance carry special significance during these painful moments. With few exceptions most grieving persons want to hear words of assurance from their pastor. In fact, they expect it; so do not hesitate to claim that role. Assure them of your personal concern and the promise of your own prayers.

If you have now established a time to meet with the family, take that time seriously, and be prompt. For most bereaved families, time is precious. There is more to be done than could ever be imagined outside that experience. There will be enough delays and frustrations without their minister being the source of one. Just as you expect them to take your time and schedule seriously, you will want to respect theirs as well.

To be late in getting to the family does more than just create delays. It carries with it the implication that you are insensitive or unconcerned even though you, in actuality, may care tremendously. Promptness is an assumed trademark of any professional. Do not be envisioned as anything less.

The Pastoral Visit

As stated earlier, make this visit as soon as reasonably possible. A prompt visit allows more opportunity for you to be a part of the funeral-service planning process. It is unfortunate when a minister waits hours and, sometimes, days, to make this initial pastoral visit and then becomes frustrated when the details conflict with his own schedule.

There is an even more important reason why this visit should be prompt. Your presence is welcomed and openly received in this setting. Particularly when a relationship has already been established, the family wants you to be with them; they value highly your physical and symbolic presence. You are more than just a friend. You are a tangible reminder of God's love and presence with them. Claim the role which is freely made available to you. The experience can become a very special one.

As you make your way into the presence of the family, do not be timid or shy. Your own strength will find its way into the lives of others. Feelings are passed on like a virus. If you are confident and secure, the family will “catch” some of your strength.

However, there is another principle that needs to be practiced at this point. The strength of a pastor should be a quiet strength! Be careful not to enter the family's presence with a predetermined speech of easy and glib answers. Your entrance is very crucial and should be handled carefully. Your entrance is no less a part of your professional tools than is a scalpel for a surgeon.

Do not enter with a roar. In fact, it is a good practice once you have acknowledged the presence of people to just sit and develop some sensitivity to the mood of the group. Because of circumstances families will respond to death in a variety of ways. You cannot minister to them unless you make some assessment of their emotional tone and immediate needs. You cannot do this if you enter the room with a need to provide all the answers before the questions have been asked. You are not a drill sergeant or an entertainer. You are the symbolic presence of a calm and peaceful God of love.

As Thomas W. Klink has indicated in his book: Depth Perspectives in Pastoral Work, the role of the pastor is one of delicate communication. It is a combination of words, gestures, and actions with which one struggles to convey the fullness of God's word in everyday syllables.³ An embrace or gentle holding of a grieving person's hand carries more significance than many words. Do not be afraid to just sit and be still with the family. As you begin to converse, there is no harm in inquiring about the circumstances of the death. While the family may not want to relive them with everyone who calls, they will want you to know. Do not feel inhibited to ask questions, but allow the bereaved family to share only that with which they are comfortable Quite possibly, some of this information will guide the formulating of your words in the funeral service.

Be careful not to offer quick, capsule answers for everything. There are many phrases that have been around for a long time which one might hesitate to quote.

For example, one may speak out of honest concern that “He is better off now because he is with Jesus.” Yet the author remembers one lady, who had just lost her husband to cancer, admitting that it made her very angry when someone made that statement to her. “Who are they,” she said, “to determine that someone is better off dead?”

Our words in this setting can be a medium of strength and comfort, or they can add pain to an already wounded soul. We must be good stewards of the gift of our words. Do not come up with such inane remarks as, “We just have to accept the Lord's will.” One may mean well, but communication at this time must pass through a storm of emotion which very well may cloud one's intention. Beware of quick comments such as: “I know just how you feel.”

Dr. R. Lofton Hudson has offered some wise admonition for this setting: “Don't try too hard to console or advise. What most people want when they are in a crisis is somebody there, and someone with big ears and a small mouth.”⁴

In other words, do not try to take on the role of an all-wise sage. A quiet, strong friend is worth his weight in gold during moments of grief.

This setting now provides an excellent opportunity to discuss the specifics of the funeral service. Ask the family their thoughts about music, Scripture, and any special requests.

Within reasonable limits, the service should be directed toward meeting the needs of the family. Their needs should be foremost at this point. Be as flexible as possible to meet their needs. Do not hesitate to offer advice at points of the planning process. Yet give way to their needs when possible. The service is primarily for the family.

There may be an occasion when the family seems trapped by the emotion of the moment and appears to be making plans that are somewhat inappropriate and could cause some embarrassment in retrospect. Gently question the family concerning the specific detail. If they do not hear your concern, do not press the issue at the moment. This is no time for a tense scene. Instead, let the matter drop momentarily. There is another approach that is usually quite effective.

After leaving the family, contact the funer al director and express your concern to him. He has an accepted entree with the family and can usually influence them in the planning process. Consider the funeral director a partner. Let him help when there is a need. In most circumstances he will offer very gentle guidance to the family. More will be said in another section concerning your relationship to the funeral director.

Visit with the family long enough to effectively communicate your concern and also plan the funeral service. Stay with them long enough to accomplish what needs to be done, but do not “camp out” with the family. Within an appropriate period of time excuse yourself and allow the family to give themselves to the guests who are entering their home.

Before leaving, inquire if there are any other functions you can perform for the family. Are there ...

Indice dei contenuti

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Preface
• Contents
• Introduction
• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Chapter 3
• Chapter 4
• Chapter 5
• Chapter 6
• Suggestions for Further Reading
• About the Author