Chapter
We hear the sounds of traffic, people shouting and police sirens.
Harry is alone in his flat sat pondering, miserable like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
His phone keeps going off. He eventually looks at the display then puts it back down again.
He takes a seat. Then the phone goes off again. This time Harry picks it up and answers.
HarryHey, man . . . Yea I know right . . . Yea I’m good, you know me can’t get me down . . . Nothing much just a quiet one . . . Yea, thanks, Jono, yea, I mean I weren’t looking to do much but –
Bang bang bang!
Harry is startled.
Bang bang bang!
Harry (to the door)Who is it?
Runaku (offstage)Me
HarryWho?
Runaku (offstage)Me, me
HarryWho’s me?
Runaku (offstage; comically)Your sweetest dreams or your worst nightmare!
Harry (to the phone)One sec, Jono mate, let me call you back . . . yea everything is fine.
He hangs up the call.
Look. Go away, you dickhead!
Runaku (offstage)Open up!
HarryI don’t want no trouble yea, fuck off or I’m calling the police!
Runaku (offstage)You do that and I kidnap Mr Flufflebutt!
HarryI said fu – . . . what?
Runaku (offstage)You don’t let me in and the Flufflebutt gets it, I ain’t playing with you!
Silence.
Harry opens the door and Runaku runs inside at speed almost knocking Harry off his feet.
HarryFlufflebert not Flufflebutt, you idiot, why would I call it Flufflebutt.
RunakuWhy would you have a dusty little bear that smelt like raw saliva and cheap hair gel?
HarryWhat are you doing here?
Runaku You used to take that stinky bear with you everywhere, on some weird Mary had a little lamb type shit.
HarryWhat’s wrong with you, why can’t you knock doors like a regular human.
Runaku That cheap gel got everywhere. Remember when you used to do that Jedward pineapple look thing? That was mad!
HarryRemember when you tried to do it too? That was mad!
Runaku Yea the ancestors were pissed!
They both laugh together, taking one another in for the first time tonight.
They then begin to do the Dragon Ball Z Fusion dance.
Both Fu-sion Ha!
They both laugh. Runaku attempts to hug Harry.
HarryCan you relax please?
Runaku Happy birthday, bro! I told you I would never forget . . . Is it shoes off?
HarryYou think I’m gonna let you have your naked toes all over my new flat?
Runaku (laughs)I’ve got socks on, you idiot.
They both laugh.
Big one eight! You don’t look a day over thirty-five.
HarryShut up.
Runaku How’ve you spent it?
HarryWork!
RunakuSeriously?
HarryNot all of us got six A*s at GCSE, we gotta earn our keep.
Runaku Well, you might have if you cared to sit them.
HarryWould they let me?! Said I wasn’t turning up to school enough so the geniuses decided to suspend me.
Runaku laughs.
HarrySo you going uni then?
Runaku Yea . . . my first choice is Reading.
HarryReading?
RunakuYea . . . what?
HarryNothing, just far innit?
RunakuFar from what? The whole entire world is our oyster baby!
HarryI’m good here, man.
Runaku Course you are! You know they say misery loves company, but you . . . you seem to be all good on your own.
HarryWhy would I be celebrating the fact that eighteen years ago two people that have never even liked each other decided to have sex, and now I’ve gotta pay rent, bills and a service charge?
Runaku (laughs)What’s wrong with you, man?
HarryIt’s a scam! I even refused to come out of the womb and they just pulled me out anyway.
Runaku ‘Man sues parents for being born without his consent.’
HarryI would! If I only knew where either of those idiots were . . .
Runaku. . . Didn’t call then?
HarryMy mum sent me a visitor request from God knows where this time, my dad is somewhere playing happy families talking about how he ‘definitely will come down and visit’. It’s cool, mate, I’m not six years old anymore, don’t need any visitors.
Runaku I know, you’re eighteen going on eighty-eight.
HarryHow’d you even get here, man?
Runaku I D...