Women Psychotherapists' Reflections on Female Friendships

Sisters of the Heart

Lillian Comas-Diaz, Marcella Bakur Weiner, Lillian Comas-Diaz, Marcella Bakur Weiner

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781134929559
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psicología
• Subtopic: Psicoterapia

Psychologists, as well as the general public, have recognized the importance of female friendships. Scientists call this bond the tending instinct- a kind of female relaxation response that has salutary effects. Such special attachment shields women from isolation and provides an enhanced sense of wellbeing. Intimate friends can therefore act as sisters of the heart to promote connection, solace, wholeness, and longevity. Moreover, women friends frequently provide emotional, social, physical, and spiritual benefits. Indeed, sisters of the heart constitute an unparalleled bond that encourages women to connect with themselves, with others, and with the world at large. In this book, twelve women therapists, who are diverse in age-- young, middle, and older women; as well as in ethnicity--White, African American, Latina, Asian American, Native American, and multiracial women---examine the psychological and physical aspects of this unique female bonding. Through their narratives we hear their distinctive voices as women and as healers. In this fashion, they reflect on both the functional and dysfunctional dynamics occurring between intimate female friends. Finally, these women therapists examine how their experience with a sister of the heart informed their development as healers, and discuss how they use this special bond in psychotherapy with women.

This book was originally published as a special issue of Women & Therapy.

'This enlightening, iconic book is for anyone who wants to understand more about the powerful roles of friendships—including challenges--among women that facilitate their ability to survive and thrive. It is special in that the chapter authors are psychotherapists who describe the impact of female bonding, from scientific as well as personal bases. The descriptions are rooted in theory, research, extensive clinical experience and personal lives. Refreshing and much needed, this book will prove useful to professionals as well as any women or men who want to understand the value and salience of female relationships.'

Melba Vasquez, PhD, ABPP

Past President, American Psychological Association

Independent Practice, Austin, Texas

Sisters of the Heart: How Women’s Friendships Heal

LILLIAN COMAS-DIAZ

Transcultural Mental Health Institute, Washington, DC

WEINER MARCELLA BAKUR

Transcultural Mental Health Institute, Washington, DC

In this article we focus on the healing aspects of women’s intimate friendships with other women. In particular, we discuss the role of female neurohromone oxytocin “the love hormone” in the promotion of health and wellbeing among women. We assert that the intimate women friendship construct can enhance psychotherapy’s healing and empowering functions. In this context, we examine how women’s friendships can inform feminist psychotherapy. Moreover, we discuss the feminist therapeutic relationship as an intimate bond, and compare it with women’s friendships. We conclude with the introduction of the special issue on “Sisters of the Heart: Women Psychotherapist Reflections on Female Friendships.”

“We learn best to listen to our own voices if we are listening at the same time to other women—whose stories, for all our differences, turn out, if we listen well, to be our stories also.”

– Barbara Deming

INTRODUCTION

Females tend to care for each other. The animal kingdom provides multiple illustrations of this phenomenon. For instance, female monkeys groom each other, lionesses breastfeed each other’s cubs, and female elephants communicate with each other with their chums in a unique way through low-pitched vocalizations (Angier, 2012). Likewise, women’s longing for female friends has ancient roots. While men hunted and women nurtured, females developed a special connection that helps them to cope in life.

We begin this anthology with a discussion of the role of female friendship in women’s lives. Specifically, we examine the psychological and physical well-being aspects of female bonding. Since women’s happiness is contagious (Stein, 2008), intimate female friendships enhance women’s self-esteem, connectedness, and enjoyment. Indeed, research has documented that having intimate female friends throughout life promotes health and a sense of well-being (Knickmeyer, Sexton, & Nishimura, 2002). Simply put, women keep their friends healthy. Moreover, they provide emotional, social, physical, and spiritual benefits. Women friends even contribute to women’s longevity. Contrary to men—who tend to live longer if they are married—women with intimate female friends live longer, regardless of marital status (Felder, 2006).

Indeed, relationships are the source of women’s successful development and psychological health (Miller & Stiver, 1997). To illustrate, Jean Baker Miller (Miller & Stiver, 1997) argued that women’s development occurs in connection, that is, within relationships that provide mutual empowerment and mutual empathy. Certainly, intimate female friends contribute to women’s healing process.

HEALING AND WOMEN FRIENDSHIPS

The salutary effects of female bonding extend throughout the course of women’s lives. First, having a sister is beneficial to her siblings’ health (Tannen, 2010). Padilla-Walker and her colleagues (2010) studied a large number of families with at least two children. Results indicated that having a sister protected children from feeling lonely, depressed, guilty, unloved, self-conscious, and anxious. The researchers interpreted their findings through the lens of gender socialization. That is, they concluded that sisters tend to be better listeners, better at discussing problems, and better caretakers than brothers (Padilla-Walker et al., 2010).

Similarly, research found that having a best friend present during stressful events significantly protected children from the negative effects of such difficult experiences (Adams, Santo, & Bukowski, 2011). Based on these findings, we can infer that the presence of best friends reduces the negative effects of stressful situations among children. Moreover, research found that adolescent girls with intimate female friends had higher self-esteem, were better adjusted, and displayed superior coping than did those with less intimate friend relationships (Hartup & Stevens, 1999).

Following these research findings, we can surmise that women tend to offer security, refuge, hope and solace to their friends. What is more, female friends help to mark the stages of a woman’s life. For instance, female milestones such as menstruation, pregnancy, and post partum rituals strengthen women’s connection to each other. The ancient practice of the “red tent” may illustrate the social origins of women’s bonding. Anita Diamant (1997) described how according to ancient law, women menstruating or giving birth retreated to a tent (hence, a red tent) to receive support and encouragement from their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, and other caretaking women.

As a matter of fact, women’s special bonding has a biological component. Besides their socialization to become caretakers, women have a tending instinct—a kind of female relaxation response. The “tend and befriend” instinct is opposite to the fight or flight response. The tending instinct facilitates the release of oxytocin—an anti-stress neurohormone (Taylor, 2002). Originally known to stimulate labor, lactation, maternal behavior, and social bonding, oxytocin, plays an important role in promoting relaxation, healing, and sense of well-being (Uvnas-Moberg & Petersson, 2005). In short, this neurohormone enhances women’s abilities to befriend, nurture, and heal. In its relaxation role and anxiolytic-like effect, oxytocin reduces blood pressure and cortisol (the stress hormone) levels in humans. To illustrate, in the previously mentioned research, Adams and colleagues (2011) reported that having a best friend present during stressful situations maintained children’s levels of cortisol within normal levels.

In its health promotion role, oxytocin increases pain thresholds. Along these lines, repeated exposure to oxytocin causes long-lasting relaxation effects by influencing the activity of other transmitter systems (Uvnas-Moberg & Petersson, 2005).

Interestingly, research has shown that oxytocin exerts a positive role in social attachment (Boultet et al., 2006). Since oxytocin increases prosocial behavior, this neurohormone can potentially promote positive social interactions. To illustrate, Jesso and colleagues (2011) found that the administration of intranasal oxytocin resulted in a reduction of the recognition of angry faces among patients with behavioral variant frontotemporal dementia. These research findings show that oxytocin is an important mediator of social behavior and suggest that oxytocin can be a potential treatment for attachment problems. Furthermore, while a positive environment continuously activates oxytocin, psychological mechanisms such as positive interactions involving touch and support, trigger the release of oxytocin in a healthpromoting way (Uvnas-Moberg & Petersson, 2005). Additionally, psychological mechanism such as warmth and empathy may trigger the release of oxytocin (Uvnas-Moberg & Petersson, 2005). In other words, various types of psychotherapy involving the transfer of support, warmth, empathy, and connectedness—such as feminist therapy—can promote health.

Without a doubt, women’s tending instinct, facilitated by oxytocin (the “love” hormone), shields women from isolation, facilitates functional coping, and promotes healing. Certainly, women foster their friends’ health, well-being, and happiness. In this way, the articles in this anthology illustrate the role female friendships have in feminist psychotherapy with women.

WOMEN FRIENDSHIPS AND PSYCHOTHERAPY

Since women connect with each other in a special way to provide support, relaxation, and healing, it is not surprising that literary women authors have recognized the benefits of women’s friendships. For example, in her memoir “Truth and Beauty: A Friendship,” Ann Pachett (2004) portrayed her intimate friendship with Lucinda M. Grealy as” being family without being bound by blood,” and sharing a “love for the rest of her life without being romantic partners.” Likewise, Lisa See (2005) in her novel “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan,” narrated the story of two Chinese friends who became “laotong” or sworn sisters, and consequently, developed a secret language (Nu shun) to communicate solely between themselves.

Consistent with these notions, there are multiple terms to designate intimate female friends. Some designations include sister-friends, comadres (co-mothers, allomothers), sworn sisters, hermanas del alma, (sisters of the soul), among many others. We adopted Chitra Banerjee Divakanuri’s (2000) term from her novel “Sister of My Heart,” to designate intimate women’s friendships in this collection. Moreover, different ways to depict an intimate woman friend abound in the popular lore. For instance, a close woman friend can be described as “someone you can be yourself with; someone you can trust; someone you can call at 4:00 AM; someone you know for a long time; someone who understands you; among many other operational definitions. We believe that the concept “sisters of the heart” includes all of the previously mentioned descriptions—and even more. Sisters of the heart constitute an unparalleled supportive bond that encourages women to navigate joys and sorrows, in order to promote connection, support, healing, and growth.

In this context, “Sisters of the Heart: Women Psychotherapists’ Reflections on Female Friendships” describes the special bond between intimate women friends and its healing and transformative power. Therapists or not, most women treasure their close sisterly friendships and recognize their transformative power. Indeed, feminist scholars have described how women’s friendships provide an impetus for social change (Castañeda & Burns-Glover, 2008). Likewise, the empowering healing of women friendships has inspired this anthology’s contributors.

To explore how intimate female friends foster meaning, connection, and wellbeing, we asked women therapists to narrate their experience with female bonding. First, we invited feminist therapists to reflect on how their intimate female friendships shaped them. Then, we asked them to examine how their intimate women friendship informed their professional development as therapists. Finally, we solicited their reflections on the role of intimate women friendships in feminist therapy. In this way, the essays in “Sisters of the Heart” analyze the significance, nature, depth, and challenges of close female connection.

FEMINIST THERAPEUTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND INTIMATE FRIENDSHIPS

The feminist therapeutic relationship and an intimate friendship are related. Even though psychotherapists and their clients are not friends, the feminist therapeutic relationship shares characteristics with a close female friendship. For instance, both relationships involve the development of intimate emotional bonds between women. In this fashion, feminist therapists promote connectedness, empowerment, healing, and transformation. Similar to close women friends, feminist therapists foster self-nurturing as a form of empowerment.

A main difference, however, is that the client’s wellbeing takes center stage in feminist psychotherapy (Feminist Therapy Institute, 1990, 2008). To promote this goal, therapists foster self-empathy and help clients to reconnect with their strengths during psychotherapy. Moreover, feminist therapists offer support, validation, and understanding of their clients’ reality. They encourage clients to become critically aware of their oppressive circumstances (Feminist Therapy Institute, 1990, 2008). Although the feminist therapeutic relationship is not as reciprocal as a close friendship, it is infused with mutuality (Enns, 2000). In other words, the feminist therapist uses her tending instinct for mutual empowerment. She “gives” (Sue & Zane, 1987) by acknowledging her client’s multiple intersecting identities and gender specific sociocultural contexts (Comas-Diaz, 2012). And yet, she “receives” by tending and caring for her client—as well as for herself. Even though feminist psychotherapeutic tenets acknowledge the power inequality between therapist and client, the feminist healing relationship aims to be egalitarian and non-hierarchical (Brown, 2010). Notwithstanding the feminist equality foundation, the therapist holds accountability for empowering her client (Feminist Therapy Institute, 1990, 2008). Indeed, an aspect of this accountability is the therapist’s cognitive and affective “presence” in her client’s life. Similar to an intimate friendship—where a close woman friend listens and witnesses her friend’s stories—the feminist therapist bears witness to her client’s story of distress. In this process, she helps clients to recover their voices and to re-author their life stories.

WOMEN TELLING STORIES: MENDING HEARTS AND HEALING LIVES

“Story is far older than the art of science and psychology, and will always be the elder in the equation no matter how much time passes. “ - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Telling stories lead to women’s healing and empowerment (Anderson & Jack, 1991). Indeed, storytelling can be life-saving and a reason for living (Kay, 1998). Indeed, as a therapeutic technique, storytelling facilitates women’s integration of fragmented experiences (Aron, 1992; Cienfuegos & Monelli, 1983). Moreover, storytelling opens up a testimonial space that helps women to reconnect with a sense of purpose and effectiveness through helping others (Fischman & Ross, 1990). Likewise, the contributors in this collection use their unique voices, as both women and therapists, to tell their stories. They reflect upon how diverse types of intimate female relationships such as teachers, mentors, colleagues, employees, relatives, and even histori-cal role models became sisters of their heart. Many therapists chose a nurturing mother-daughter bond as a template to inform their intimate female friendships.

As women’s gender related experiences are situated in a stratified and hierarchical society (Jordan, 2010), the contributors recognize that women’s realities intersect with gender, ethnicity, race, socioeconomic status, age, religion/spirituality, and other diversity variables. In a similar fashion, the therapists in this anthology come from different walks of life. They are young, middle-aged, and older women; as well as White, African American, Latina, Asian American, Native American, and multiracial women. Additionally, these feminist therapists endorse diverse types of spirituality/religion, ranging from Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, and or spiritual syncretism.

As editors of this collection, we identified two major areas to facilitate the unfolding of the contributors’ stories. These areas include contributors’ personal female relationships, and the friendships’ impact on how they conduct psychotherapy with women. In particular, the therapists discuss feelings evoked in feminist therapy regarding female friendships—including psycho-logical processes such as transference/countertransference, identification, trust conflict, and mutual empowerment. Moreover, most of the women therapists provide clinical material illustrating the role of intimate women relationships in the practice of feminist therapy. Finally, “Sisters of the Heart: Women Psychotherapist Reflections on Female Friendships” allows for diverse therapists’ voices to ar...