Handbook of Counseling Boys and Adolescent Males

A Practitioner's Guide

Arthur M Horne, Mark S. Kiselica

• Publisher: SAGE Publications, Inc
• Year: 1999
• ISBN:
  9781452237039
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

This comprehensive, practical resource provides specific strategies for counsellors working with boys and male adolescents from different cultural backgrounds.

The first part examines how psychological, career and athletic development of boys is shaped by a complex interaction of biological, social, cultural and economic forces. TheSecond Part covers cultural considerations when counselling particular North American client groups, such as Hispanic-Americans. The final part focuses on special populations such as gay, sexually abused and developmentally disabled boys.

PART

I

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DEVELOPMENTAL
CONSIDERATIONS

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CHAPTER

1

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Growing Up Male

The Development of Mature Masculinity

DAVID JOLLIFF
ARTHUR M. HORNE

For several generations our sons have tried to become men not only without connecting to the teachings and energies of older men but also in the face of cultural denigration of the masculine. . . . We need to relearn what masculinity really is. . . . The quest is now to discover how to renew manhood.

—C. T. B. Harris (1994, p. 21)

At a recent presentation to a university honors program for students and faculty, we raised our concerns about the developmental problems that boys and adolescent males are having today and the impact those problems have on the development of mature masculinity. We included in the presentation statistics about the extent of emotional pain and turmoil that today’s young men are experiencing, as well as research data we had been collecting on boys who have been institutionalized in correctional facilities and juvenile centers. Some members of the audience responded with incredulous anger that we could be so concerned about the developmental problems of boys and young men, whom many in the audience referred to as the “privileged class in America.” These respondents took the position that young males have such privilege that there should be little concern for the pain they experience. One member of the audience indicated that “the Rockefellers have problems too, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for them because they have such opportunities that they should be able to overcome their distress. Besides, men cause their own grief and should be able to take better care of themselves.”

The attitude that men’s needs do not need to be addressed because men are both the privileged group and the cause of the problems of society is prevalent in much of American culture today. Our experience has taught us, however, that there is great pain and confusion among males. If we value a mature masculinity in which men behave in responsible and caring ways, then we need to provide boys with the guidance and nurturing they need to achieve that goal. Promoting mature masculinity requires greater attention to the developmental concerns of boys and adolescent males than has been received in recent decades. Society needs a greater focus on teaching young males what mature masculinity is, with that teaching coming in part from men who have achieved it.

For mature masculinity to develop, boys and adolescents need nurturance and guidance by both males and females; one without the other is insufficient. Recent years have shown a strong trend toward the development of social institutions and situations in which boys have much more interaction with women than with men, institutions such as day care centers, preschool and early school years, and single-parent households. In a large-scale research project now underway, we are examining children at risk for academic, emotional, and behavioral problems. More than half of the 950 children are boys, but 48 out of 49 of their teachers, as well as 7 out of 8 of their administrators, are female. The after-school program serving the children is staffed by women, and almost half of the children reside in fatherless homes in which the only adult is the mother or grandmother. Although there are many explanations for such a situation, we must heed the call of Harris (1994) for connecting young men to the teachings and energies of mature men. This has not been happening. We believe that development of mature masculinity requires a continued strong presence of women in the developmental processes of young men, but it also is imperative that men reenter the picture and once again become involved in the rearing of all our children.

The following data illustrate the tragic consequences of fatherlessness in America today. Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy, and criminality. Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1993). Broken homes are the source of the majority of adolescents in psychiatric hospitals (Elshtain, 1993), and children who exhibited violent misbehavior in school were 11 times as likely as others to not live with their fathers (Sheline, Skipper, & Broadhead, 1994).

Hawley (1993) describes the “developmental trajectory” of boys and adolescent males in America and reports that, as has been clear for some time, males are experiencing considerable problems at all stages of growth. Noteworthy attention has been focused on developmental problems of girls in recent years, and the implied assumption was that if girls were experiencing difficulties in educational and emotional development as a result of social influences, then boys would be benefiting—at least comparatively—by not experiencing developmental problems. This simply is not the case. The actual situation is that too many of our children, both boys and girls, are in trouble or are at risk for developing emotional and behavioral problems. When we begin to examine developmental concerns of boys and adolescent males, we realize that, in fact, there are considerable areas of doubt and issue. For example, as described by Beymer (1995), boys and adolescent males constitute the largest numbers of young people who do the following:

• Drop out of school
• Commit suicide
• Are victims of violence
• Are incarcerated
• Are assigned to special classes in school (behavior disorder, learning disabilities, attention-deficit hyperactivity)
• Are referred in school for disciplinary actions
• Receive lower grades throughout their schooling
• Fail to progress at the end of a school year (grade failure)
• Have accidental deaths related to automobiles and motorcycles

So, although some males excel in school and personal life experiences, a significant number do not.

Ackerman (1993) has described men wounded in their developmental processes as “silent sons.” He describes the silent son as having a number of identifiable traits, including an inability to maintain relationships, an inability to control anger, a tendency toward workaholism or other addictions, a fear of intimacy, a tendency toward violent behavior, and a likelihood of inadequate self-esteem. The silent son tends to keep feelings to himself, has a strong fear of criticism, is obsessively driven to succeed, and wants his life to be better but does not know how to change it. He also may have some very good traits such as being good under pressure, adventuresome, independent, hard-working, and a good problem solver. He may, in fact, be functioning very well but be in pain all the while.

Many silent sons are suffering from codependency, a condition that results from prolonged experience in an environment that disallows the open expression of feeling and direct discussion of personal concerns. Codependent men feel stuck and feel like they have lost many opportunities. They overidentify with being masculine. They believe they must not show emotion and that they must always be in control. Ackerman (1993) lists the following traits of the overly dependent man:

• Depends on a woman to act out his emotional side
• Controls situations to extremes
• Is a workaholic
• Is good at rescuing and protecting but not interacting
• If a father, may be living through his son
• Exhibits stress disorders
• Has relationships filled with anger
• Uses other males for ego strength
• Has a problem with addiction
• Lacks emotional expression
• Has one dimension of self-worth—his occupation
• Has a fear of intimacy
• Lacks spirituality
• Is externally validated only by what he does
• Exhibits extreme rigidity
• Overly asserts his masculinity

Ackerman further suggests that these codependent, silent sons hold highly stereotypical images of being male, including being very competitive, courageous, distant, and silent. They tend to avoid showing pain, they may follow a “macho” credo, and they are very likely to be angry. Ackerman has classified these “silent sons” into seven types, all of which develop during the males’ childhood and adolescence: the triangulator, the detacher, the achiever, the hypermature, the passive son, the conflict avoider, and the other-directed one.

The triangulator. The triangulator has never learned to deal with issues directly. He blames his problems on external causes. He has difficulty accepting responsibility for his behavior. He is angry at the world. He thinks of himself as very independent; in truth, he has difficulty being close to anyone. Because he believes that there are external causes for his behavior, he sees nothing wrong with his anger.

The detacher. The detacher is inclined toward ending or escaping an uncomfortable situation at the first sign of trouble, even before he finds out whether or not the problem can be worked out. He has not learned conflict resolution skills. He thinks that his physical detachment constitutes emotional detachment. He fears exposing his pain and his vulnerability. At the first sign of trouble in a relationship, the detacher starts thinking that it is time to leave. His motto is “Safety at all times.” The result is that he feels lonely.

The achiever. The achiever has an empty feeling inside that tells him he is never good enough and that his worth is dependent on accomplishments that others can see, because it was only through his achievements that he received recognition from his family or others. He is likely to be a workaholic. He is driven by external forces. He seldom has an internal sense of self-worth. He is likely to be a perfectionist, so he spends most of his life being disappointed. He says he values his family, but he does not value his time with them. In relationships, his need to perform and be in charge is often perceived as dominating. At the same time, he is dependent on his partner for emotional nurturance. He is the classic intellectualizer.

The hypermature. The hypermature son is overly serious, never lets his defenses down, is emotionally on guard, and attempts to maintain control over his life at all times. He is likely to be far too self-critical, to have difficulty having fun, and to live under a high level of stress. He had too many responsibilities as a child and did not have sufficient time for a normal childhood. In relationships, he is often intense, analytical, and pressured by a sense of responsibility for the success of the relationship. He wants closeness, laughter, and warmth but does not know how to get them.

The passive son. The passive son sits on the sidelines watching the game of life go on, but he secretly wishes he were playing. He seldom takes a stand when it comes to his own interests and issues. He feels relatively unimportant, and he believes he has little to offer. In relationships, he puts his needs second, often tolerating a tremendous amount of inappropriate behavior from a partner. He believes he has few options, and he is in fact at high risk of being abandoned for a more interesting partner.

The conflict avoider. On the surface, conflict avoiders appear to be extremely competent at helping others with their problems; however, they are rarely able to handle their own. They help others with their issues to avoid facing their own. In relationships, they have tremendous difficulty receiving from others, and they are extremely uncomfortable with others’ emotional support or help. They can give closeness, but they cannot receive it.

The other-directed one. The other-directed son has learned to display the exact opposite of how he feels. He makes jokes to cope with pain. He is afraid that if he stops laughing, he will cry. He strives to do what others think he should do to avoid rejection or being put down. He tends to see himself as he thinks others see him. He is easily influenced by others and fears they will abandon him. In relationships, he becomes a people pleaser and neglects taking care of himself. He is difficult to know. His partner may enjoy his charm and sense of humor for a while, but enjoyment disappears as the absence of openness and closeness becomes intolerable.

In addition to these seven “silent sons,” all of whom are hiding from themselves and from others, Ackerman talks about an eighth type of wounded son who is not silent—the healthy survivor. The healthy survivor represents the small percentage of people who emerge from a seriously dysfunctional family relatively unscathed. He is his own man, he knows what he wants, and he is sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. He is a very resilient man, flexible in the face of stress, positive in attitude, and willing to receive assistance when needed. He does not deny his unhealthy family history; rather, he knows what he has learned from his experiences, and he builds on that. If he is in pain, he deals with it. He admits when he is vulnerable, he is not afraid to show his emotions, and he is not controlled by them. He likes who he is, and he is comfortable with life. The healthy survivor would not trade places with anyone today. He values what it took to get him where he is, and he values himself. He has achieved mature masculinity regardless of the childhood and family experiences he encountered. This is the goal we have for all boys and adolescent males, and the chapters of this book address differing ways of helping accomplish this goal.

TASKS AND ISSUES FOR MALE DEVELOPMENT

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A number of the chapters in this book describe developmental issues for boys and adolescent males. Our experience in working with children in schools and in institutions such as youth detention centers and state rehabilitation centers, as well as our work with adult men in therapy, has led us to attend to a number of issues related to growing up male. The issues actually emerged by our working backward through conducting counseling and therapy groups as well as workshops for adolescents and males for many years. From these groups, both those with a therapeutic focus and those with a training or educational focus, we began to recognize a consistent set of issues that men deal with that began when they were young boys and continue through their current life experiences. We work with men who ponder the question of how they came to be the persons they are. The answer is that they are who they are today as a result of the developmental life cycle they experienced growing up. That is where we need to begin, with the developmental cycle of boys and adolescent males. To do that, we have identified and examined themes that arise in our work with men; all of them revolve around grief.

We also have conducted numerous training groups for working with men in therapy. Based on extensive experiences in working with men (in therapy as well as through conducting training groups) covering two decades, we can assert that many men today report feeling alienated and lonely. They describe themselves as robots. They have few friends, they are estranged from their wives and children, they trust no one, and they are disengaged from their own feelings and sensations. They are numb, angry, and frustrated. Under these conditions, they find themselves in a deep well of grief, experiencing a sense of loss that is often difficult to identify or express but that affects their inner life and their outer world of relationships and activities.

Boys are taught from an early age to stifle tears and other emotional displays. The message is quite clear—push it down, stuff it inside, don’t show that feeling or you will be seen as weak and as a failure. The stifled feelings do not disappear; they just become masked, and though masked, they remain below the surface, ready to emerge, often in the form of anger. We find that in many situations, men’s anger is just the cap on a deep vessel of grief. The double bind for the male is that the culture’s fear of male violence has resulted in his being shamed for his anger, leading to a further suppression of feelings. This suppression in turn leads to a fear of not being able to control feelings such as anger, or to grief over not being able to express the feelings with a caring and intimate person in a way that is safe.

The message to men and boys is clear: “Deny your grief and suppress your anger or you won’t be a real man.” Another expression, “Don’t get mad, get even,” reflects the same theme: Suppress feelings, and continue on your way. In William Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet was told not to grieve the wicked murder of his father. His mother, who married within 1 month of her husband’s death, admonished him to “cast thy knighted armor off [stop grieving]. . . and not seek for thy noble father in the dust.” When young males accept this admonishment, they attempt to develop a way of being male that will prove to be acceptable to their peers and family. The price, though, is high: Young men pay the price of denying their feelings by expending enormous time and energy to force emotions into exile. Many men then stop attempting to understand and reconcile the grief and anger they experience, and instead live lives of sorrow, knowing that all is not right in their world but not having permission either from significant others in their lives or from their own personal worldview to be any other way. Medical knowledge is beginning to demonstrate how a lifetime of denial of strong emotional feelings may culminate in both emotional and physical death.

When boys grow up hearing parents and peers telling them messages about how to be a boy/man, including repressing their pain or sorrow, “negative” feelings become restricted, repressed, and denied. This repression of feelings results in access to the more “positive” feelings of tenderness and joy being restricted as well. To free up the ability to be in touch with one’s feelings, to become acquainted with the full range of emotional experience, boys and young men must find the way to encounter their experiences—to become attuned to their emotions. The process is difficult, for there are extensive influences in the family and among peers for this not to happen.

The emotional “shutting down” that begins wit...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Dedication
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Editors’ and Contributors’ Institutional Affiliations and Addresses
• Acknowledgments
• Preface: For the Sake of Our Nation’s Sons Mark S. Kiselica and Arthur M. Horne
• PART 1: DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS
• PART II: CULTURAL CONSIDERATIONS
• PART III: SPECIAL POPULATIONS
• References
• Author Index
• Subject Index
• About the Editors