PART I
The Promise of Self-Coaching
1
Self-Coaching: Get the Power
Barbara, a fifty-two-year-old insurance salesperson, had been struggling with apathy for years in her marriage, in her lackluster career, and in her life. Like those of many people, Barbaraās problems werenāt serious or debilitating enough for her to seek therapy. After all, she had always managed to get byāone way or another. She was a woman who had long ago conceded to a life of self-deprecation, doubt, and hesitation. Why? No reasonāwell, at least no rational, here-and-now reason. It had simply become her habit. It was only because of her frustrated husbandās instigation that Barbaraāwith her typical ho-hum, detached attitudeāagreed to talk with me. After a few months of Self-Coaching using the techniques outlined in my previous book,
Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression, Barbara had an epiphany:
Funny how you come to accept a view of yourselfāeven if that view is distorted! For most of my adult life itās as if Iāve been building a case against myself. Looking for reasons to say āIām not okay!ā Perhaps the biggest lesson Iāve learned these past few months is that I have a choice. For years Iāve been choosingāwithout really thinking about itāto accept a decrepit view of myself! Can it really be true that now I can simply choose to ānot chooseā negativity? The truthāonce you see itāseems so simple, so obvious, yet for most of my adult life itās been eluding me. Then again, I havenāt been looking that hard.
Iām not exactly sure what triggered my complete turnaround, but it happened, and Iām feeling intoxicated! Itās as if everything became clear all at once. My life is changing before my eyes, almost as though all Iāve had to do is set the course and turn the switch. How can it be so easy? How could I have missed seeing it all these years?
Now that Iām finally beginning to see myself clearly, I need to ask: Whatās my first step toward satisfaction? I need to determine what I want or need. I realize that what I want or need may not exactly be what Tom wants or needs, so we must continue to talk and somehow mesh our goals. I hope our compromise will give both of us a sense of satisfaction. The very act of trying to work it out is a positive move, but really only one step in the right direction. Tom is thrilled that Iām not the way I was, that I am trying. Thinking about how I was (thoughtless, impetuous, anxious, depressed) is sobering. For now Iāll be on my guard against careless actions, lazy patterns, thoughtless remarks and responses. But I must say, with my new attitude, nothing seems impossible any longer.
Stripes to Spots
Youāve heard it said that humans are creatures of habit. If youāre anything like Barbara, youāve probably never given this notion much thought, especially if youāve been trying to figure out why your life seems to be wasting away, forever stuck in second gear or, worse, in reverse. Whereas other people seem so much more successful and downright blessed, you keep plodding along wondering whenāor ifāyour time will ever come. Perhaps you have a dead-end job or a seemingly unending string of bad luck, or one personal rejection after another. Many people Iāve worked with come to me suspecting an assortment of reasons for their unhappy lives, but rarelyāif everādo they suspect the culprit to be nothing more than bad habits. Convinced instead that fate has been conspiring against them, many feel victimized by life, looking to be rescued from their own powerlessness and despair.
In twenty-five years of private practice you learn many things about human nature. Youād probably be surprised if I told you that many people who come into therapy arenāt actually looking to change. Itās true. What they really want is to become better neurotics! The perfectionist, for example, wants to become more perfect without feeling that nagging, uncomfortable anxiety all the time. The worrywart simply wants a lifetime guarantee to eliminate all those nasty surprises. And the compulsive workaholic isnāt looking to slow down, just to get a good nightās sleep once in a while.
How many times have you said, āI really have to change,ā only to go on and on with your incessant rituals? A big part of why you struggle is because youāve become attached to your problemsāyour insecurity is the tar and your bad habits the feathers. And as uncomfortable and difficult as these habits may be, youāre so identified with them that youāll actually argue with anyone who suggests that you try to change them. āBut, Doctor, you donāt understand, Iāve been a nervous wreck all my life. How do you expect me to relax?ā Or, āThere are people who live charmed lives and then there are people like me. Everything I touch turns sour. Itās just the way it is.ā
If youāre like most people, you probably feel that leopards canāt change their spots. For leopards this may be true, but for you itās dead wrong. If youāve been limited by your āspots,ā whatever they may beālethargy, anxiety, self-doubt, fear, panic, depression, apathy, or even bad luckāthen you need to be convinced that the power for change, real change, is a choice that Self-Coaching can teach you to make.
Self-Coaching Reflection
An ineffective, unhappy life is learned.
The fact that they werenāt born ineffective, unhappy, frustrated, or insecure seems to elude many people. Regardless of what you may think, a life of struggle consists of learned patterns of perception and reacting. And if all your problems are, in fact, learned, then the good news is that whatever trips you up can be unlearned. In the chapters that follow youāll learn that the quest for control is the motor behind your unhappiness. But more important, youāll learn one of lifeās best-kept secrets: controlling life is a myth! Life simply cannot be controlled.
For now I have only one question for you: why do you go on struggling with your life if youāre unhappy? Maybe it never occurred to you that you donāt have to struggle, especially if youāve become identified with your problems. You might, for example, throw up your hands and admit, āYes, Iām lazy, itās my nature.ā In this case youāre admitting that thereās no difference between you and your laziness. Another reason may be that youāve become a slave to the faulty perception that more control is the answer to your problems. āI canāt let anyone see me without my makeup. What will they think?ā Whatever the reason for your struggling, stumbling life, why not change? You can, and Self-Coaching can teach you howānot by trying to control your problems, but by living without them.
Before going farther, letās start off with a simple self-quiz to determine the quality of your life. After learning to incorporate the power of Self-Coaching into your life, you may want to retake this quiz to prove just how much youāve changed. Then again, you may not want to botherāsince youāll already know how much happier your life has become. Youāll have the power.
Quality of Life Self-Quiz
Please read the following questions carefully, but donāt overthink your responses. Circle your responses as being either mostly true or mostly false as they generally pertain to your life. Answer each question even if youāre not completely sure. Scoring is at the end of the test.
T | F | Iām not a very positive person. |
T | F | I usually wake up with a sense of dread about beginning my day. |
T | F | I seem to have many regrets. |
T | F | Iām often jealous of other people. |
T | F | I hate my job. |
T | F | Iām not as happy as other people. |
T | F | I have many fears. |
T | F | Iām often moody and/or depressed. |
T | F | I worry/ruminate a lot. |
T | F | I seem to have bad luck. |
T | F | I often have thoughts that begin with āIf only . . .ā |
T | F | Iām insecure. |
T | F | Iām often too negative. |
T | F | Iāve had one or more panic attacks in the past six months. |
T | F | I usually donāt feel that Iām as good as other people. |
T | F | Life is a constant struggle. |
T | F | Something always goes wrong. |
T | F | I have many self-doubts. |
T | F | Iām a great procrastinator. |
T | F | Iād much rather be safe than sorry. |
T | F | I waste too much time. |
T | F | I often find myself āwhat-iffing.ā |
T | F | Iām often anxious or tense. |
T | F | In relationships I often feel competitive. |
T | F | I suffer from unexplained physical difficulties. |
T | F | I often have nightmares. |
T | F | Iāve been treated for anxiety or depression. |
T | F | I always expect the worst. |
T | F | I donāt have many interests or hobbies. |
T | F | I get bored too easily. |
T | F | I spend too much. |
T | F | Iām not a good listener. |
T | F | I have no willpower. |
T | F | Iām lazy. |
T | F | Iām always tired. |
T | F | I have a hard time saying no to others. |
T | F | I watch too much TV. |
T | F | I donāt sleep well. |
T | F | I fear getting older. |
T | F | I often hold grudges. |
T | F | My looks are too important to me. |
T | F | I have trouble falling asleep. |
T | F | Iām stingy. |
T | F | I often drink too much. |
T | F | I donāt adjust well to changes. |
T | F | I canāt stay focused at work. |
T | F | Iām not very efficient. |
T | F | I always find fault in others. |
T | F | Iām always feeling rushed; thereās never enough time. |
T | F | I donāt consider myself an emotionally strong person. |
Total your ātrueā responses. A score of 14 or fewer suggests that you have a satisfactory quality of life. Self-Coaching can teach you to cultivate an even deeper awareness, spontaneity, and enjoyment of life.
A score of 15 to 30 suggests that the quality of your life is significantly restricted. For you, itās safe to assume that Self-Coaching will make a significant difference in your overall happiness.
A score of 31 or more suggests that the quality of your life is substantially compromised. Self-Coaching can make a profound difference in the quality of your life.
Choosing Power
Itās time to stop making yourself miserable and start learning how to jump-start your life. You hold in your hands a powerful and unique program that works. For years Iāve been incorporating my Self-Coaching technique in my practice as well as assisting readers from all over the world. The results confirm, over and over again, that success and personal happinessāon the job, in relationships, or in your own mindāis a choice you can learn to make. Sounds kind of simple, huh? With the right understanding and uncomplicated coaching program to implement it, it is.
Self-Coaching is going to connect you with your inner power to no longer feel victimized by circumstances, self-doubts, or even bad luck. You can choose to create the life you want by training yourself to be a complete and successful person. And make no mistake, the power that can transform your life isnāt something you have to develop or createāall you need do is unleash it! Itās always been a part of you, hidden by insecurity, waiting for you to turn it loose.
How do you turn your power loose? Simple: remove the obstacles of self-doubt and insecurity that are blocking it. If you do this, your power will find you. Itās up to you. If you already possess the power, why not use it? The only thing you have to lose is your misery.
Self-Coaching Reflection
Who you are, what you are, and where your life is going are all choices.
This notion that you have the power to choose the life you want may take some getting used to. Iād like to take the concept of choice a step further. As I see it, life itself is choice. The person you are at this moment is really the end result of all the life choices youāve made to date, even though that m...