Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

How to Move Beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future

Beverly Engel

• Publisher: Wiley
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781119235149
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Self Improvement

"A beacon of hope for women and men who fear that they will pass the abuse they have suffered on to their children, partners, or employees. Humane and compassionate but also clear and down to earth, this is a wonderful contribution to the literature on healing."
--Lundy Bancroft, author of When Dad Hurts Mom and Why Does He Do That? "In this remarkably powerful, wise, and compassionate book, Beverly Engel leads readers step by step through a program that will help survivors of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in childhood to heal from their wounds so they don't need to re-enact their abusive pasts. She offers expert advice and strategies to help parents and would-be parents avoid doing to their children what was done to them and helps both abusers and victims in emotionally and physically abusive relationships make vitally important changes in their relationships."
--Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, it isn't a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abuse but rather a question of how--whether you will become an abuser or continue to be a victim. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel, a leading expert on emotional and sexual abuse, explains how to stop the cycle of abuse once and for all. Her step-by-step program provides the necessary skills for gaining control over emotions, changing negative attitudes, learning healthy ways of communicating, healing the damage from prior abuse, and seeking out support. Throughout, Engel shares many dramatic personal stories including her own experiences with abusive behavior. Breaking the Cycle of Abuse gives you the power to shatter abusive patterns for good and offers a legacy of hope and healing for you and your family.

Part One
Understanding the Legacy of Abuse

Chapter 1
What Will Be Your Legacy?

Nicole had wanted a baby for so long, and now here she was holding her newborn daughter, Samantha. She looked down at her beautiful baby and was full of pride. As she began nursing she anticipated feeling love well up inside her. But instead all she felt was impatience. Why isn’t she sucking? I don’t have all day, Nicole thought to herself. She pushed her nipple inside Samantha’s mouth but the baby wouldn’t take hold. “What’s wrong with this baby? Why is she rejecting me like this?” Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the problems between Nicole and Samantha, problems that mirrored those Nicole had with her own mother as she was growing up.

Peggy couldn’t believe it. Once more she’d chosen a man who turned out to be emotionally abusive toward her. “I don’t know why this keeps happening to me; they always seem so nice at the beginning but they all turn out to be monsters. I feel like I’m some kind of ‘abuser magnet’ or something.”

Janice couldn’t believe the words that came out of her mouth. “You selfish little bitch. You think the world revolves around you, don’t you?” As much as she’d vowed it would never happen, Janice said the exact words to her daughter that her mother had so often said to her when she was growing up.

Marianne was trying to watch her favorite TV program but her two-year-old son kept screeching at the top of his lungs. Marianne had warned the boy to keep quiet but he just wasn’t listening. Now she’d had it. She got up, picked up her son, and shook him hard. “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you listen?” she yelled. When she finally stopped shaking her son she was horrified to discover that he was unconscious.

Robert couldn’t control himself. How dare his wife speak to him like that! He shoved her against a wall and began hitting her over and over again. Then he dragged her near lifeless body through the house and dumped her on the bed. He went back into the kitchen, poured himself another drink and sat down. He was still shaking inside with rage. “That’ll teach her to talk back to me,” he told himself. But several minutes later another voice inside him whispered, “You’re no better than your father—you’re a monster just like he was.”

Jack was horrified the first time he felt a sexual attraction toward his daughter. “What kind of scumbag am I?” he asked himself. Then he found himself getting angry with her for no apparent reason and pushing her away whenever she wanted to sit on his lap. He criticized the way she dressed and accused her of being a little tramp. Even though he had blocked out the memory of his own molestation as a child on a subconscious level, Jack was deathly afraid that he would do to his daughter what had been done to him.

Karen could hardly breathe. A voice in her head kept saying, “It isn’t true, it isn’t true.” The social worker was telling her that her daughter Heather had accused her stepfather of sexually molesting her. “That’s impossible,” she found herself saying to the social worker. “He’s been a wonderful father to Heather. Heather lies. She always has. You can’t believe anything she says. She’s just trying to get attention.” But deep inside Karen knew the truth. And she knew the horror that her daughter must be going through. She knew because she had been molested when she was a child.

If you relate to any of these examples, you are not alone. There are thousands of others like yourself who are reenacting the abuse or neglect that they experienced as a child, adolescent, or adult. Some, like Janice, Marianne, and Robert, find themselves acting out their frustration and anger in the same ways that their own parents did, in spite of their best efforts to the contrary. Others, like Nicole and Jack, blocked out the memory of their own abuse but are forced to revisit it when they find themselves thinking or behaving in ways that upset or even repulse them. Still others, like Peggy and Karen, repeat the cycle of abuse not by becoming abusive themselves but by continually being victimized or by marrying an abuser and becoming a silent partner in the abuse of their own children.

If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, it isn’t a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abuse or neglect, it is a question of how you will do so—whether you will become an abuser or continue to be a victim. The sad truth is that no one gets through an abusive or neglectful childhood unscathed, and an even sadder truth that no one escapes without perpetuating the cycle of violence in some way. In many cases, those who were abused or neglected become both abusers and victims throughout their lifetimes. Although this may sound unnecessarily negative to you, it is the truth. Research clearly shows that those who have been abused either absorb abuse or pass it on. In the past twenty-five years studies on abuse and family assaults strongly suggest that abused children become abusers themselves, and that child victims of violence become violent adults. Individuals with a history of childhood abuse are four times more likely to assault family members or sexual partners than are individuals without such a history. Women who have a history of being abused in childhood are far more likely to continue being victimized as adults.

We don’t need research to tell us what we know intuitively. If abuse and neglect were not passed down from generation to generation we simply would not have the epidemic of childhood abuse and neglect we are experiencing today. “But I know plenty of people who were abused or neglected as children who did not grow up to be abusers or victims,” you might counter. Even though I’m sure there are any number of survivors you can think of who seem, on the surface, to be leading normal, healthy lives, I can assure you that there are many things that go on behind closed doors that the average bystander never knows about. If you could be a fly on the wall in the home of the average couple where one or both were abused or neglected as children I can guarantee that you would see history repeating itself every day in a multitude of ways.

You might see it in the way the husband talks to his wife in the same dismissive, condescending tone in which his father spoke to his mother. Or you’d notice the way his wife passively concedes to her husband’s demands, just as her mother did to her father’s. You might see it in the way one or both parents has an inordinate need to dominate and control their children. Or both parents may repeat the cycle by neglecting their children in much the same way they were neglected by their parents—putting their own needs before those of their children; not taking an interest in their children’s school work, hobbies, or friends; or being emotionally unavailable to their children because they are abusing alcohol.

If one spouse was physically abused as a child you would likely see that kind of abuse repeated as well. Even the most well-meaning person will find himself exploding in the same kind of rage he witnessed or experienced as a child. His rage is likely to surface when he drinks too much, when he feels provoked, or when he is reminded of or “triggered” by memories of his own abuse. Or, the reverse may be true; if a woman was battered as a child or witnessed her mother being abused she may have grown up to marry a man who physically abuses her or her children. Like her mother, she will be rendered helpless—unable to defend herself or to leave.

If one or both spouses was sexually abused you would have to be a fly on the wall in order to discover how the cycle is repeated in the family because it is done in such secrecy. All too often a sexually abused male (and less often, a female) will sexually abuse his or her own children. If he married a woman who was also sexually abused (which happens more times than not) she will often become what is called a silent partner—someone who is in such denial about her own abuse that she stands by while her own children are being molested. Although not all victims of childhood sexual abuse molest their own or other people’s children, sometimes they are so afraid of repeating the cycle that they cannot be physically affectionate toward their own children. Others raise their children to believe their genitals and their sexual feelings are dirty and shameful.

There are also many other ways that abuse gets passed down to the next generation that are even more difficult to spot, at least initially. Charlene couldn’t wait to have a baby. She wanted someone she could call her own, someone she could shower with love. Much to her surprise, Charlene discovered that she was unable to bond emotionally with her son no matter how much she tried. “I love him, of course, and I’d do anything for him. But somehow I just can’t bring myself to be affectionate toward him. And I always feel guarded with him—like I can’t allow myself to feel the love I know I have for him.”

When Charlene and I explored her history the reason for her inability to bond with her son became evident. Charlene’s mother was unable to emotionally bond with her when she was a baby, and her mother remained emotionally distant from her as she was growing up. “I used to question whether she was even really my mother. I always felt like maybe I’d been adopted or something. She just didn’t treat me like a mother should treat her own child. My gosh, is that the way I’m treating my son?”

Todd’s mother was just the opposite. She had lavished him with affection and emotionally smothered him from the time he was a baby. As Todd got older his mother became very possessive of him, not wanting him to leave her side for very long, not even to go outside to play with friends. This possessiveness continued well into his teens when she would feign sickness to keep him from going out on dates. When Todd did manage to have a girlfriend his mother always found things wrong with her and insinuated that the girl wasn’t good enough for him.

Surprisingly, Todd finally did manage to get married, and he and his wife had two children. On the surface, it looked like Todd had escaped unscathed from his emotionally smothering mother. But the truth was that Todd was an extremely angry man. He felt trapped by his wife and kids, just as he had with his mother, and he verbally abused them mercilessly. He also acted out his anger against his mother by compulsively seeing prostitutes and subjecting his wife to venereal disease and AIDS.

Tracey tried all her childhood and into he...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Table of Contents
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Part One: Understanding the Legacy of Abuse
• Part Two: Facing the Truth and Facing Your Feelings
• Part Three: Abuse Prevention Strategies
• Part Four: Long-Term Strategies to Help You Break the Cycle
• Epilogue
• Resources
• References
• Recommended Reading
• Index
• End User License Agreement