New Dad's Playbook

Gearing Up for the Biggest Game of Your Life

Benjamin Watson

• Publisher: Baker Books
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781493404964
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Sexuality & Gender in Religion

When it comes to the unknown territory of having a baby, moms-to-be have nearly unending resources to plan and execute a healthy pregnancy and navigate those first months and years as a parent with confidence. New dads? Not so much. They want to get in the game too, but, says Super Bowl champion Benjamin Watson, I could find clearer direction for putting together a baby swing than for taking care of a newborn child.The New Dad's Playbook is every man's game plan to being the best partner and the best father, from pre-season (preparing for fatherhood) to Super Bowl (birth) to post-season (after baby is home). It helps men understand what their wives are going through physically and emotionally during and after pregnancy, allowing them to support their most important teammate. It tells men what to expect when their baby is home--and what to do when the unexpected happens. This tell-it-like-it-is book will take men from just winging it to winning it.

Part 1: Training Camp

Chapter One
Where’s the Fatherhood Playbook?

Most men dream of becoming fathers one day. If you are one of those men, or if you have recently learned that you are about to join the ranks, this book will show you how to have a positive, lifelong influence on your growing family, starting as soon as you hear the happy news.

I became a father to my first daughter, Grace, in 2009. She was due on Super Bowl Sunday, of all days. At that time, I was in the National Football League (NFL) playing for the New England Patriots. Since we hadn’t made it to the playoffs that year, I planned to spend Super Bowl Sunday at home with my wife, Kirsten, waiting for our lives to change. Grace came a day or two early, so we watched the game in the recovery room. I was twenty-eight years old, and my wife and I had been married for three years. Grace is now seven years old, and since her arrival we have been blessed with four other children: Naomi, age five; Isaiah, four; Judah, three; and Eden, who is nine months old.

Kirsten and I thought we were prepared for parenthood—we were both fortunate to have excellent role models during our childhoods. My mother and father raised me and my five younger siblings, but being the oldest came with responsibility, which meant changing diapers and feeding my baby brothers and sisters. My wife also grew up in a tight-knit family. But there were still plenty of times after we brought Grace home that it felt like we had forgotten everything we knew about child-raising.

Currently, I am a tight end for the NFL’s Baltimore Ravens, and a lot of my teammates are having their first children, so they see me as something of an expert on fatherhood. They come to me with their parenting and pregnancy questions. Many of these guys remind me of how I felt before Grace was born—they think they know what is coming, but they don’t.

The Road of Discovery

Preparing for a new baby, especially a first baby, is a long road of discovery. Good luck finding the equivalent of What to Expect When You’re Expecting for men. One minute your wife tells you that you are having a baby, the next you are running out of the house at midnight to buy her a pint of ice cream. Before you know it, you are in the delivery room squeezing her hand and waiting to hear your baby’s first cry. Amid the rush of adrenaline and surging emotions, visitors come and go, and soon enough you are all told to go home. You find yourself standing at the hospital exit hazily thinking to yourself, Wait, I know we had almost a year to prepare, but I have no idea what to do now!

I was nervous with Grace because there seemed to be better directions for assembling a bicycle than there were for taking care of a newborn child. No matter how many of my brothers’ and sisters’ diapers I had changed, I still felt unprepared. I made a few errors along the way, but I learned from them and eventually developed a solid game plan for facing challenges with my other children. I hope this book will spare you some of my fumbles and provide you with a path to parenting success.

Fear of the Unknown Is Natural

Most men are scared or nervous when they hear they are going to become a father. Then, when they hold their child in their arms for the first time, they feel elation and pride and wonder how they can avoid hurting this fragile creature. What if you cause harm without even knowing you are doing something wrong? I don’t care how many Super Bowl rings you wear, what your job title is, or what kind of car you drive, when your wife is pregnant for the first time, many men would rather turn the other way than ask, “How do I do this? How can I help?”

This book is for those guys: You don’t have to wing it for the next nine to twelve months—in fact, you shouldn’t! I hope I can provide guidance for those of you scratching your heads and wondering where you fit into this whole process.

In the conversations I have with men about to become first-time fathers, I hear it all:

• “Is my wife going to be overreacting, vomiting, and pushing me away in bed until the baby arrives?”
• “My brother-in-law said something about labor lasting twenty-four hours—how can my wife push that long?”
• “I really want a boy to toss the ball around with, but we’re having a girl. I’m disappointed and don’t know what to do.”
• “How do you hold something so small without breaking it?”

These questions are honest and sincere. Contrary to popular belief, many men want to be a part of the pregnancy process. They want to be the best partners possible to the women who are bringing their children into the world.

The first few days after your child’s birth are a blur, and if you don’t prepare beforehand, you will be overwhelmed. When you are exhausted—and you will be—the smallest problem can send you into a panic. For example, if your baby needs to eat every two hours, and she’s not eating well, you will spin all sorts of worst-case scenarios in your mind, when she probably just needs a good burp.

Finding the Answers

As men, we want to have all the answers, and as you read this book, I hope you will be open to the process. Life will not always run smoothly—your wife’s experiences will tax her emotions as well as her body. Her moods, energy level, sex drive, and even taste buds will change with each trimester. Most guys say, “Well, yeah, we know this,” but thinking you understand is no substitute for living alongside a pregnant woman for nine months. This book will provide the inside scoop on what it takes to be a pro partner and a pro dad from the moment you hear the happy news.

Men want to know we can solve anything, that we can handle all of life’s demands. Even when we have successful careers and meet our soul mates, we may still experience self-doubt at times. Perhaps there is never a more poignant moment in a man’s life than the day he discovers he is going to become a father. Perhaps, too, there is never a day when he experiences such a sudden flash of fear as when he wonders, Am I ready to be a father? This scares many men, but what they don’t know is that with a little preparation, they will get through the rough patches and be rewarded with a beautiful, healthy family.

Your wife will go through the pregnancy, and along the way there will be pain, tears, and perhaps a few fights. There will be unforgettable joyous occasions, like when you first hear the baby’s heartbeat, when you find out the sex of the baby, or when you feel the baby kick. Then your wife will deliver the baby, and you will all go home. Together. Soon enough the challenges of raising a baby will arise: the baby may cry all night, or stop nursing, and you will fear you are failing or causing irreversible damage. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: parenting isn’t rocket science, but employing a little common sense and preparation can go a long way in keeping you and your spouse sane. (Sleep deprivation, however, is unavoidable. Get used to it.)

Children Need Fathers

Fatherhood, and parenting in general, is the most important job on earth, but the job doesn’t come with instructions. You may feel like God let you off easy by making you a man when you see your wife kneeling on the bathroom floor battling morning sickness. You may also wish you could spare your wife all the harsh elements of pregnancy, but you can’t.

Do not forget this: you have a very important role in raising this child by laying a solid foundation for your growing family, by being present, and by following some of the suggestions laid out in this book. To quote my former coach Bill Belichick, “Do your job.”

When my wife, Kirsten, experienced morning sickness during her first pregnancy, all I could do was sit down next to her on the bathroom floor and hold her. Years later, when I overheard somebody ask her what the sweetest thing I had ever done for her during her first pregnancy was, she answered, “When I had morning sickness, Benjamin held me.”

Of course, I wanted to run interference, call the doctor, and get medicine to ease Kirsten’s pain, but my presence was exactly what she needed. Your presence speaks volumes about your commitment to your family. It means you are totally invested in the pregnancy and in the health of the mother. Knowing she has your support is paramount to the well-being of everyone involved.

The woman carrying your child is experiencing hormonal changes, and when she knows you are standing by her, when she knows you are willing to do things that make you uncomfortable, she is better equipped to take care of herself and the growing baby. Both of you will feel surges of elation and fatigue as the baby’s due date draws nearer, so having a birth plan in place (which we will cover later on) will keep everyone well-balanced.

Prepare for the Blitz

Kirsten told me she was pregnant with Grace in the summer of 2008. Nine months later, in the wee hours of the morning, I timed Kirsten’s contractions while she sat up in bed, and we realized it was time. I threw our meticulously packed bags into the car and sped off to the hospital. Movies like to portray deliveries in cars, with fraught husbands catching their newborns like footballs, or men being pulled over by the police while their pregnant wife screams like a woman possessed. In our case, life imitated art: I was pulled over for speeding, even though I was not, and the officer proceeded to shine his bright flashlight at me, my wife, and her pregnant belly. He gave me a rather callous, “Well, get to the hospital then.” We were as calm as possible—no screaming, no tantrums, because that wouldn’t solve anything—plus time was of the essence!

The point is, unexpected events happen even when you have a plan, but staying calm and acting reasonably can easily tip the balance between a horror story and a cute anecdote. When that baby is ready, all that will register in your mind is: Game time!

At the hospital, time seemed to move more slowly than it did before we conceived. My wife labored for hours, and there isn’t an NFL workout that compares to the experience. I had been to classes and watched videos on the delivery process, and despite all my preparation, I felt helpless yet awestruck by how strong and in control she was during such a chaotic and agonizing ordeal. I had no idea how hard the labor was going to be on me—and I know that sounds bad. I’m six foot three and 250 pounds, and what my tiny wife was doing right then made my head spin. Then I heard Grace’s first wail, and fear was replaced by blinding joy.

After Grace was born and we were together in the hospital room, I removed my shirt and pressed my baby girl to my chest. I acted on instinct. It is typical for the baby to be placed on the mother’s chest immediately following birth to regulate the heartbeat and to establish an instant bond. Men can do this too, and it is bliss. Later in the day, after Kirsten fed Grace a few times, I had the opportunity to do skin-to-skin bonding again.

Time becomes foggy when you are home bonding with your new family. I hope this book will help prepare you for the major life changes heading your way. Parenting changes you like little else.

Parents joke about how caring for a newborn transforms you into a zombie and that you never sleep again—and in those first few weeks and months, you believe it. Guess what—you adapt. Commitment makes you a better person, and this book will show you how to hold the line, even when the blitz is on.

Being Present

Be sure to pull your load in those weeks following delivery—cook, clean, do laundry. It sounds simple, but remember, you will probably continue working outside of the home, and you are not just there to provide a roof over your family’s head—you need to take care of the people inside it too.

Some men aren’t prepared to become fathers. I understand that. Some grew up in fatherless households or without a decent role model, and feel unequipped when they find out they’re having a baby. I wrote this book for the guy who doesn’t think he’s ready to become a father and, whether he admits it or not, fears the challenges and the unknown. That covers a lot of men, whether they planned the pregnancy or not. The point is, once a man knows there’s a baby coming and understands what that baby needs, I think he will care about the kind of home life he establishes, and he will take on greater responsibility raising that child. Children need their fathers to be part of their lives, and if men comprehend this, I’m sure they will be spurred on to develop into the men they thought they weren’t ready to become.

This book explains the terms men will hear during prenatal visits to the doctor, and how the baby develops in the womb. I will also discuss what to expect when your wife changes and how to handle those changes. This way, you’ll understand exactly what’s happening at every stage of the pregnancy and delivery process. I think this book will please the woman in your life as well, especially if she has experienced the lack of a male presence in raising a child before. More information means less fear and more confidence in your abilities to be an excellent father. Remember, you are building a legacy, and this book can help.

The day your wife pulls out a Superman onesie to announce you are having a boy, or the day you dress your baby girl in her first Easter dress—these are life’s most precious moments and memories. To use the language of the gridiron, this book will take you through training camp, regular season, Super Bowl, postgame, and off-season. You will warm up, try out some of the drills, learn the playbook; you will lift weights and run. You’ll do all of it. Dads are smart. You can do this. You need to do this. Let’s get started.

Chapter Two
Pre-practice Warm-Up

What You Should Expect When She’s Expecting

Pregnancy can be very lonely for both men and women. Some women claim men become aloof and distant, while men feel that their wives become different people, alienating them from the process. To keep this from happening to you, use this time to remind your wife that you’re thinking about her. Tell her she’s beautiful, fix her a snack, and say, “I love you.” These are a few ways you can show her you’ve got her back.

Many men instinctively want to fix things—leaky faucets, wobbly desks, and sometimes even their spouses. This is especially true when a woman is pregnant. Unfortunately, there’s no “fixing” pregnancy, but there are ways to make this ten-month adventure easier, all while maintaining your sanity. In this chapter, I will share my own experiences with loneliness during pregnancy and offer tips to help men navigate this exciting time in their lives. Most importantly, I’ll cover how to help out so that you don’t feel left out.

Fear Factor: Keeping It Together

When a woman finds out she’s pregnant, the news is momentous, but all the excitement and joy can quickly turn to fear. With hormones flying, responsibilities multiplying, baby items overflowing, it’s no wonder a lot of relationships fall apart when a woman is expecting. I’ve seen it happen more often than I’d like to admit—men hear “baby” and bolt. This is the time to step up your commitment, and a little effort will go a long way toward sustaining and strengthening a meaningful relationship.

I’ve worked alongside athletes whose girlfriends get pregnant, and I ask if they’re planning on getting married. “Well, I don’t know. What’s the point?” they say. “We’re living together, and I’m making enough money to take care of the child. That’s enough.”

It’s not enough. These guys are afraid of commitment. Often they don’t want to leave their girlfriends, but they’re not willing to get married. They think that financial security is all a child needs. That’s just not true.

There’s a reason why having children out of wedlock has long been taboo—a marriage provides security for everyone involved, and not just financially. Virtually every culture ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Endorsements
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction
• Part 1: Training Camp
• Part 2: Regular Season
• Part 3: Super Bowl
• Part 4: Postgame
• Part 5: Off-Season
• Epilogue
• Acknowledgments
• Notes
• About the Author
• Back Ads
• Back Cover