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Florence Hartley's exhaustive guide The Ladies' Book of Etiquette is a fascinating read. Offering an inside look at the mores and conventions of the post-Civil War era, the book also offers handy tips for gracious manners that stand the test of time. The book also offers beauty techniques and concoctions based on common household ingredients, an idea that's making a comeback today.
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Self ImprovementChapter I - Conversation
*
The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities.
You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the
same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively. The
union is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred person
will allow her attention to wander from the person with whom she is
conversing; and especially she will never, while seeming to be entirely
attentive to her companion, answer a remark or question made to another
person, in another group. Unless the conversation be general among a
party of friends, confine your remarks and attention entirely to the
person with whom you are conversing. Steele says, "I would establish but
one great general rule in conversation, which is thisâthat people
should not talk to please themselves, but those who hear them. This
would make them consider whether what they speak be worth hearing;
whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and
whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the person
to whom, it is spoken."
Be careful in conversation to avoid topics which may be supposed to have
any direct reference to events or circumstances which may be painful for
your companion to hear discussed; you may unintentionally start a
subject which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you may be
conversing; in that case, do not stop abruptly, when you perceive that
it causes pain, and, above all, do not make the matter worse by
apologizing; turn to another subject as soon as possible, and pay no
attention to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have excited.
Many persons will, for the sake of appearing witty or smart, wound the
feelings of another deeply; avoid this; it is not only ill-bred, but
cruel.
Remember that having all the talk sustained by one person is not
conversation; do not engross all the attention yourself, by refusing to
allow another person an opportunity to speak, and also avoid the other
extreme of total silence, or answering only in monosyllables.
If your companion relates an incident or tells a story, be very careful
not to interrupt her by questions, even if you do not clearly understand
her; wait until she has finished her relation, and then ask any
questions you may desire. There is nothing more annoying than to be so
interrupted. I have heard a story told to an impertinent listener, which
ran in this way:â
"I saw a fearful sightâ"
"When?"
"I was about to tell you; last Monday, on the trainâ"
"What train?"
"The train from Bâ. We were near the bridgeâ"
"What bridge?"
"I will tell you all about it, if you will only let me speak. I was
coming from Bâ"
"Last Monday, did you say?"
and so on. The story was interrupted at every sentence, and the relator
condemned as a most tedious story-teller, when, had he been permitted to
go forward, he would have made the incident interesting and short.
Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very ill-bred. If you see
that a person to whom you wish to speak is being addressed by another
person, never speak until she has heard and replied; until her
conversation with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever
breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another speaker.
Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her husband, or, if
a gentleman, ask for his wife. The elegant way is to call the absent
party by their name; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs.
Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husband" or "your wife." On the
other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your
"lord," "husband," or "good man," avoid, also, unless amongst relatives,
calling him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him,
show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If
either your own husband or your friend's is in the army or navy, or can
claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no
impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, or whatever his
title may be.
It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or words, unless you
are sure your companion is a French scholar, and, even then, it is best
to avoid them. Above all, do not use any foreign word or phrase, unless
you have the language perfectly at your command. I heard a lady once use
a Spanish quotation; she had mastered that one sentence alone; but a
Cuban gentleman, delighted to meet an American who could converse with
him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed
and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the
language was confined to one quotation.
Never anticipate the point or joke of any anecdote told in your
presence. If you have heard the story before, it may be new to others,
and the narrator should always be allowed to finish it in his own words.
To take any sentence from the mouth of another person, before he has
time to utter it, is the height of ill-breeding. Avoid it carefully.
Never use the phrases, "What-d-ye call it," "Thingummy," "What's his
name," or any such substitutes for a proper name or place. If you cannot
recall the names you wish to use, it is better not to tell the story or
incident connected with them. No lady of high breeding will ever use
these substitutes in conversation.
Be careful always to speak in a distinct, clear voice; at the same time
avoid talking too loudly, there is a happy medium between mumbling and
screaming. Strive to attain it.
Overlook the deficiencies of others when conversing with them, as they
may be the results of ignorance, and impossible to correct. Never pain
another person by correcting, before others, a word or phrase
mispronounced or ungrammatically constructed. If your intimacy will
allow it, speak of the fault upon another occasion, kindly and
privately, or let it pass. Do not be continually watching for faults,
that you may display your own superior wisdom in correcting them. Let
modesty and kind feeling govern your conversation, as other rules of
life. If, on the other hand, your companion uses words or expressions
which you cannot understand, do not affect knowledge, or be ashamed of
your ignorance, but frankly ask for an explanation.
In conversing with professional gentlemen, never question them upon
matters connected with their employment. An author may communicate,
voluntarily, information interesting to you, upon the subject of his
works, but any questions from you would be extremely rude. If you meet a
physician who is attending a friend, you may enquire for their progress,
but do not expect him to give you a detailed account of the disease and
his manner of treating it. The same rule applies to questioning lawyers
about their clients, artists on their paintings, merchants or mechanics
of their several branches of business. Professional or business men,
when with ladies, generally wish for miscellaneous subjects of
conversation, and, as their visits are for recreation, they will feel
excessively annoyed if obliged to "talk shop." Still many men can
converse on no other subject than their every day employment. In this
case listen politely, and show your interest. You will probably gain
useful information in such conversation.
Never question the veracity of any statement made in general
conversation. If you are certain a statement is false, and it is
injurious to another person, who may be absent, you may quietly and
courteously inform the speaker that he is mistaken, but if the falsehood
is of no consequence, let it pass. If a statement appears monstrous, but
you do not know that it is false, listen, but do not question its
veracity. It may be true, though it strikes you as improbable.
Never attempt to disparage an absent friend. It is the height of
meanness. If others admire her, and you do not, let them have their
opinion in peace; you will probably fail if you try to lower her in
their esteem, and gain for yourself the character of an ill-natured,
envious person.
In conversing with foreigners, if they speak slightingly of the manners
of your country, do not retort rudely, or resentfully. If their views
are wrong, converse upon the subject, giving them frankly your views,
but never retaliate by telling them that some custom of their own
country is worse. A gentleman or lady of true refinement will always
give your words candid consideration, and admit that an American may
possibly know the customs of her country better than they do, and if
your opponent is not well-bred, your rudeness will not improve his
manners. Let the conversation upon national subjects be candid, and at
the same time courteous, and leave him to think that the ladies in
America are well-bred, however much he may dislike some little national
peculiarity.
Avoid, at all times, mentioning subjects or incidents that can in any
way disgust your hearers. Many persons will enter into the details of
sicknesses which should be mentioned only when absolutely necessary, or
describe the most revolting scenes before a room full of people, or even
at table. Others speak of vermin, noxious plants, or instances of
uncleanliness. All such conversation or allusion is excessively
ill-bred. It is not only annoying, but absolutely sickening to some, and
a truly lady-like person will avoid all such topics.
I cannot too severely censure the habit of using sentences which admit
of a double meaning. It is not only ill-bred, but indelicate, and no
person of true refinement will ever do it. If you are so unfortunate as
to converse with one who uses such phrases, never by word, look, or sign
show that you understand any meaning beyond the plain, outspoken
language.
Avoid always any discussion upon religious topics, unless you are
perfectly certain that your remarks cannot annoy or pain any one
present. If you are tĂȘte-Ă -tĂȘte with a friend, and such a discussion
arise, inquire your companion's church and mention your own, that you
may yourself avoid unpleasant remarks, and caution him.
Never, when advancing an opinion, assert positively that a thing "is
so," but give your opinion as an opinion. Say, "I think this is so,"
or "these are my views," but remember that your companion may be
better informed upon the subject under discussion, or, where it is a
mere matter of taste or feeling, do not expect that all the world will
feel exactly as you do.
Never repeat to a person with whom you converse, any unpleasant speech
you may have heard concerning her. If you can give her pleasure by the
repetition of a delicate compliment, or token of approval shown by a
mutual friend, tell her the pleasant speech or incident, but do not hurt
her feelings, or involve her in a quarrel by the repetition of
ill-natured remarks.
Amongst well-bred persons, every conversation is considered in a measure
confidential. A lady or gentleman tacitly confides in you when he (or
she) tells you an incident which may cause trouble if repeated, and you
violate a confidence as much in such a repetition, as if you were bound
over to secrecy. Remember this.
Never criticise a companion's dress, or indeed make any remark whatever
upon it. If a near friend, you may, if sincere, admire any article, but
with a mere acquaintance let it pass unnoticed. If, however, any
accident has happened to the dress, of which she is ignorant, tell her
of it, and assist her in repairing the mischief.
To be able to converse really well, you must read much, treasure in your
memory the pearls of what you read; you must have a quick comprehension,
observe passing events, and listen attentively whenever there is any
opportunity of acquiring knowledge. A quick tact is necessary, too, in
conversation. To converse with an entirely uneducated person upon
literature, interlarding your remarks with quotations, is ill-bred. It
places them in an awkward situation, and does not add to your
popularity. In conversing with persons of refinement and intelligence,
do not endeavor to attract their admiration by pouring forth every item
of your own information upon the subject under consideration, but listen
as well as talk, and modestly follow their lead. I do not mean, to
assent to any opinion they may advance, if you really differ in your own
tastes, but do not be too ready to show your superior judgment or
information. Avoid argument; it is not conversation, and frequently
leads to ill feeling. If you are unfortunately drawn into an argument,
keep your temper under perfect control, and if you find your adversary
is getting too warm, endeavor to introduce some other topic.
Avoid carefully any allusion to the age or personal defects of your
companion, or any one who may be in the room, and be very careful in
your language when speaking of a stranger to another person. I have
heard a lady inquire of a gentleman, "who that frightful girl in blue
could be," and receive the information that the lady in question was the
gentleman's own sister.
Be careful, when traveling, not to wound the feelings of your friends in
another country or city, by underrating their native place, or
attempting to prove the superiority of your own home over theirs.
Very young girls are apt to suppose, from what they observe in older
ones, that there is some particular manner to be put on, in talking to
gentlemen, and, not knowing exactly what it is, they are embarrassed and
reserved; others observe certain airs and looks, used by their elders in
this intercourse, and try to imitate them, as a necessary part of
company behaviours, and, so become affected, and lose that first of
charms, simplicity, natural grace. To such, let me say, your companions
are in error; it requires no peculiar manner, nothing to be put on, in
order to converse with gentlemen, any more than with ladies; and the
more pure and elevated your sentiments are, and the better cultivated
your intellect is, the easier will you find it to converse pleasantly
with all. One good rule can be always followed by young ladies; to
converse with a lady friend as if there were gentlemen present, and to
converse with a gentleman as if in the room with other ladies.
Avoid affectation; it is the sure test of a deceitful, vulgar mind. The
best cure is to try to have those virtues which you would affect, and
then they will appear naturally.
Chapter II - Dress
*
"A lady is never so well dressed as when you cannot remember what she wears."
No truer remark than the above was ever made. Such an effect can only be produced where every part of the dress harmonizes entirely with the other parts, where each color or shade suits the wearer's style completely, and where there is perfect neatness in each detail. One glaring color, or conspicuous article, would entirely mar the beauty of such a dress. It is, unfortunately, too much the custom in America to wear any article, or shape in make, that is fashionable, without any regard to the style of the person purchasing goods. If it is the fashion it must be worn, though it may greatly exaggerate a slight personal defect, or conceal or mar what would otherwise be a beauty. It requires the exercise of some judgment to decide how far an individual may follow the dictates of fashion, in order to avoid the appearance of eccentricity, and yet wear what is peculiarly becoming to her own face or figure. Another fault of our fair countrywomen is their extravagance in dress. No better advice can be given to a young person than to dress always according to her circumstances. She will be more respected with a simple wardrobe, if it is known either that she is dependent upon her own exertions for support, or is saving a husband or father from unnecessary outlay, than if she wore the most costly fabrics, and by so doing incurred debt or burdened her relatives with heavy, unwarrantable expense. If neatness, consistency, and good taste, preside over the wardrobe of a lady, expensive fabrics will not be needed; for with the simplest materials, harmony of color, accurate fitting to the figure, and perfect neatness, she will always appear well dressed.
GENERAL RULES.
NEATNESSâThis is the first of all rules to be observed with regard to dress. Perfect cleanliness and careful adjustment of each article in the dress are indispensable in a finished toilet. Let the hair be always smooth and becomingly arranged, each article exquisitely clean, neat collar and sleeves, and tidy shoes and stockings, and the simplest dress will appear well, while a torn or soiled collar, rough hair, or untidy feet will entirely ruin the effect of the most costly and elaborate dress. The many articles required in a lady's wardrobe make a neat arrangement of her drawers and closets necessary, and also require care in selecting and keeping goods in proper order. A fine collar or lace, if tumbled or soiled, will lose its beauty when contrasted with the same article in the coarsest material perfectly pure and smooth. Each ar...
Table of contents
- THE LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
- Contents
- The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness
- Introduction
- Chapter I - Conversation
- Chapter II - Dress
- Chapter III - Traveling
- Chapter IV - How to Behave at a Hotel
- Chapter V - Evening Parties
- Chapter VI - Evening Parties
- Chapter VII - Visiting
- Chapter VIII - Visiting
- Chapter IX - Morning Receptions or Calls
- Chapter X - Morning Receptions or Calls
- Chapter XI - Dinner Company
- Chapter XII - Dinner Company
- Chapter XIII - Table Etiquette
- Chapter XIV - Conduct in the Street
- Chapter XV - Letter Writing
- Chapter XVI - Polite Deportment, and Good Habits
- Chapter XVII - Conduct in Church
- Chapter XVIII - Ball Room Etiquette
- Chapter XIX - Ball Room Etiquette
- Chapter XX - Places of Amusement
- Chapter XXI - Accomplishments
- Chapter XXII - Servants
- Chapter XXIII - On a Young Lady's Conduct When Contemplating Marriage
- Chapter XXIV - Bridal Etiquette
- Chapter XXV - Hints on Health
- Chapter XXVI - Miscellaneous
- Receipts
- Endnotes