Gluten Is My Bitch

Rants, Recipes, and Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free

April Peveteaux

• Publisher: Stewart, Tabori & Chang
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781613124833
• Topic: Art
• Subtopic: Culinary Arts

Gluten Is My Bitch offers a brutally honest and hilarious take on the realities of living a gluten-free life. As the 18 million gluten-intolerants and 3 million celiac disease sufferers in the United States can attest, living gluten-free isnt a lot of fun, but author April Peveteaux has at least managed to make it funny. Described as the Chelsea Handler of the gluten-free set, April employs her unique sense of humor to provide the perfect guide to navigating a gluten-free life. In addition to her hysterical wisdom, she offers 40 gluten-free comfort food recipes that will make even the most frustrated gluten-intolerant smile with relief.

Hello there! If you picked up this book because you’re crapping your pants, I have to say you’ve come to the right place. So pull up your bowl and squat because I can fill you in on what funny things are happening to your body. Almost as uncomfortable as “the talk” we’re going to go through your digestive system and work out what this crazy problem actually is, or is not. Most likely you’re blaming gluten right about now because, come on, it’s the worst. Do you have the autoimmune disorder celiac disease? (Note: If you’re European, it’s coeliac or the very cutely named, “sprue.” Lucky Europeans.) Do you have a wheat allergy? Or are you one of those illusive “gluten intolerants”? Maybe you’ve decided it’s about time you tried that paleo diet all the kids are talking about. Whatever your gluten situation, you’re probably here because there is pooping, or perhaps, retching involved. If you’re super lucky you’ll also have a little itchiness, a bit of achiness, or all around crankiness. Which means it’s time to start making some incredibly painful and permanent choices about the most important thing in your life, which is, of course, food. If you thought it was something else, perhaps you should look at a different book, like say, The Secret. But if you’re here to learn about your weird physical ailments, read on my disgusting friends.

So, what seems to be the problem? Check one:

I am bloated, gassy, and no fun to be around.

I have a rash that won’t go away. No, it’s not syphilis. Stop looking at me that way.

I’m so tired I’ve given up on the disco nap and just take a pre-bedtime nap.

I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to turkey, rather than the delicious sourdough it is served upon. Stupid turkey.

Between the brain fog and the creaky joints, I’ve turned into that old guy who screams at empty chairs.

I’m losing a scary amount of weight, and it’s really not awesome anymore.

Or perhaps, you, like me, had violent diarrhea for three months straight, wound up in the hospital, and finally decided to take control of your digestive situation.

We are a fun bunch, are we not?

No matter what kind of sickness has taken hold of you, let’s blame gluten. If you want or need to get gluten out of your diet, bravo! Kick that nasty gluten to the curb, I say. Pretend it’s an unwanted cat (which I’m also allergic to, so no problem), or that one ex-partner who is such a mistake you still cringe when you think about being seen with him/her. What were you thinking? Really?

But before you totally and completely ban wheat, barley, rye, and the odd man out—triticale—you should consider the following:

• Maybe it really is the turkey.

• Perhaps you just have pinworms. In which case, whew! (And please never sleep over at my house.)

• I hate to even bring this up, but it could be the dairy.

• You’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy and are self-diagnosing without a medical degree or improv classes.

• You don’t realize beer and cake both have gluten.

After contemplating all of the above, and more, you still may want to cut gluten out of your diet. I’m not here to discourage you but simply to make sure you totally get that gluten tastes awesome, and you should seriously consider what your life would look like without gluten. (It will look cake-less and beer-less, FYI.) But if you’ve been diagnosed with celiac disease, or you’re one of the twenty million Americans stricken with gluten sensitivity, it’s time to kick some gluten ass—and read this book.

Not sure if gluten-free is for you? Perhaps gluten simply causes you some discomfort, but you’ve never been diagnosed. Then eff that gluten! Get it out of your system, ban it from your cupboard, and kick it out, with my help. The fact is, gluten sensitivity can be damn tricky to diagnosis, even though your symptoms are the same—or worse—than those of your friend who looks totally legit, what with her celiac disease diagnosis. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s all in your head because even if it is all in your head, it’s still coming out of your rear parts. If something is making you sick, stay away from it, no matter how tempting. That includes beer and cake, dammit.

Listen, some people will make you feel bad for wanting to disrespect gluten. After all, bread is the staff of life and all that. Some of us with celiac disease might think you’re just trying to be trendy, and you could possibly hurt our reputation. Personally, my reputation is already shot the minute I walk into a restaurant and identify myself as having special needs—so I’m cool with all that. If you don’t want gluten in your life, send it packing. Honestly, no matter which way you come to gluten-free, I will not judge. I will, however, feel super stoked to have a meal with you so I won’t be the only weirdo at the table.

For those of you who have been suffering in silence, or suffering loudly and obnoxiously; or those who have suddenly found yourselves getting sick every time you grab lunch at the fried-chicken palace; or even those who just like reading scatological nonfiction—welcome. No matter why you’re here, I’m going to help you out and off the pot. Or at least, help you laugh while you’re on the pot. Which is really how all great works should be measured: Does it keep me entertained whilst on the pot?

I realize that some of you are incredibly angry right now. Those of you with small children with celiac are ready to punch a doctor then cry yourself to sleep for the next six months. It’s true that this is a crappy situation. But we can get through it together, if only we make fun of it and learn how to eat Buffalo wings again without getting violently ill. That’s a laudable goal, for us gluten-haters. You may not feel like you’re ready to laugh yet, but I say you are. Since I am the boss of this book, you must obey or have a time out while you think about your actions.

Ready? Even if—out of a strict sense of duty or gravity—you insist on keeping your laugh lines perfectly straight throughout the reading of this guide, I’m still going to help you conquer that devil gluten. Exorcise it from your life, and your gut, and replace it with much better options, as well as lots of confidence when you head out to dinner. No more contemplating adult diapers or resorting to wearing your old granny panties on dinner dates. This no-bullshit guide is going to allow you to live loud, proud, and gluten-free.

Who the Heck Are You?

You may be thinking, “Hey, April has celiac disease. Why is she so dang happy? How does she stay so Zen when she can’t order off the menu anymore without harassing the entire waitstaff and the chef? How is it she can laugh about this whole gluten-free diet suckage when it does, indeed, suck so much?”

Here’s the thing. First of all, it’s an angry laugh. Plus, I’ve had a little bit of time to work through my deprivation issues and gluten challenges. I was once like you: just waking up from anesthesia and finding out that “Waffle Wednesdays” are now a thing of the past. Sure I was angry, peeved, and petulant. But then I realized how to be totally, 100 percent OK with cutting gluten out of my diet. It’s absolutely no problem to go gluten-free as long as everyone else in the entire world does it too.

Since it seems like this is the way people are going, well, we celiacs have really won this war, don’t you think? Approximately three million Americans have celiac disease, and probably two million poor saps are going around without knowing they are part of the club: pooping, crying, and wondering what the heck is going on with their digestive system. There are twenty million of us who are gluten intolerant. That’s a huge amount of people clamoring for gluten-free goods! There are athletes, celebrities, and crazy people, all demanding gluten-free food be shoved into their gullets. Which is actually great for us celiac types because now we can walk into French Laundry and get gluten-free bread. Wendy’s offers a gluten-free menu—some of the gluten-free foodstuffs even qualify as “value.” We’ve won! Now, don’t you feel better? No? Darn it; are you still bloated and irritable? OK, then, let’s get real.

How Do You Know If Gluten Is Really the One?

Just like your latest Internet date, it can be difficult to figure out if gluten is the one you should never, ever see or talk to or breathe upon again. The fact of the matter is that celiacs take an average of ten years¹ to get diagnosed. So you may be going around crapping your pants for a very long time and hearing doctors tell you that it’s all in your head or that you’re just “stressed.” Of course you’re stressed: YOU’RE CRAPPING YOUR PANTS. Because there is no test for the gluten intolerant, you guys just have to figure this business out for yourselves. With the average diagnosis of celiac disease taking so damn long, and no quick way to alert the gluten sensitive, you can understand why so many celiacs and intolerants are kind of downers. That’s ten years (or more!) of doctors telling you to go home and eat more yogurt. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be sick for ten years with no diagnosis. Which is why I consider myself extremely lucky to have gotten violently ill continuously until I had to admit that the only option was to have someone knock me out and shove something up my butt and down my throat.

Which brings us to how you know you have celiac disease. Celiac disease can be diagnosed in a few different ways, but the proof is in the villi. You know, those hairy-looking things in your small intestine that suck up all the vitamins and nutrients your body needs to function? If you have the autoimmune disease of celiac, you can say good-bye to those cute little villi. In fact, mine were completely gone. Or as my gastroenterologist said, “It looks like someone took an axe to your villi.” Nice violent imagery there, but I’m pretty sure he felt he had to get brutal with someone who let her body become completely worn down without picking up the phone to call a doctor until she wound up in the emergency room. The good news is, if your villi are gone, your doctor can tell you with confidence that you have celiac disease.²

The bad news is, your villi are gone and you have celiac disease. But yet again, the good news is, I’m totally going to help you figure out how to live without gluten. Hooray, me! Hooray, you! Boo, gluten!

If you went straight for the endoscopy and learned about your villi situation, you’re good, as well as a total badass. But if you want to start slowly, perhaps your first step toward celiac diagnosis will involve a tissue transglutaminase antibody test, which is also known as the tTG test. This test shows if you have antibodies that are consistent with celiac disease. Maybe your blood test came back positive for celiac disease. Hey, mine did too! But the blood test also came back positive for Crohn’s disease, which is a heck of a lot scarier than celiac. (If you’re Crohn’s and gluten-free, welcome! I love your kind and have nothing but respect for those of you who aren’t just, like, “Fuck it, take out my intestines so I can eat biscuits and gravy.” Hell, I have respect for those of you who do say that. Mad respect.) So this is why the biopsy via endoscopy is always a fantastic idea in order to get an accurate diagnosis.

If you haven’t been offered this biopsy option, you need to get serious with your doctor. Although I was rushed into the endoscopy and colonos-copy option, I’ve heard horror stories of people who were ignored by their doctors, never taken seriously when they complained of aches, pains, rashes, diarrhea, vomiting, and all-around unwellness. If you find yourself in a doctor’s office with an unresponsive physician, you’ve got to be loud and demand a diagnosis. Celiac is no joke, nor is any food allergy or intolerance. They may be easy to make fun of, but if you don’t have celiac under control, it can be life threatening. I’ll get into all the awesome diseases undiagnosed celiac can bring on later, but right now we’re only talking about pleasant things. Like how I found out I could no longer visit The Grilled Cheese Truck when it was so thoughtfully parked in the Frosted Cupcakery parking lot.

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Craziest Things I’ve Said While Suffering a Gluten Attack

1. Here, take this Ziploc bag of poop to the emergency room and have them analyze it.

2. I know I said before that if I died, I didn’t want you to re-marry, but now that I think it’s going to happen, do what you’ve got to do.

3. I really don’t think it was the gluten.

4. Can you please go get me a skinny vanilla latte?

5. I’m fine.

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About Me and My Disgusting, Disgusting Body

Not surprisingly, my digestive issues began shortly after I moved to Los Angeles. Also not surprisingly, I blamed everything on my cros...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• Chapter One: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE CRAPPING YOUR PANTS
• Chapter Two: SO YOU CAN’T EAT GLUTEN ANYMORE
• Chapter Three: RECIPES FOR THE DOWNTRODDEN (AKA THE GLUTEN-FREE)
• Chapter Four: WAITER, THERE’S A POTENTIAL ALLERGEN IN MY SOUP
• Chapter Five: WHAT’S VEGAN, PALEO & CROSSFIT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
• Chapter Six: HOLY CRAP, MY KID’S A CELIAC
• Chapter Seven: TRAVELING WHILE SPRUEING: PARIS DOESN’T HAVE TO SUCK, BUT IT MIGHT
• Chapter Eight: JETPACKS FOR CELIACS
• RESOURCES
• CONVERSION CHART
• INDEX OF SEARCH TERMS
• ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
• Footnotes