Authentic Confidence

The Secret to Loving Your Work and Leading an Unstoppable Career

Ben Fauske

• Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
• Year: 2020
• ISBN:
  9781642797169
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Human Resource Management
• Index: Business

Within Authentic Confidence, Ben Fauske incorporates successfully proven strategies based on research and real-life stories that guide leaders to a confidence breakthrough.

Ego, arrogance and narcissism commonly describe ineffective leadership. Nobody likes a show off, but it also doesn't work to shrink into the shadows. Ben Fauske had significant confidence issues early in his career and he was miserable. After years of struggle, he discovered a pattern that some of the greatest recording artists have used to overcome confidence issues and find success. He called it Authentic Confidence, and the process dramatically improved his career.

Since, Ben has taught thousands of leaders the step-by-step instructions to find and communicate confidence in every situation. He shows readers these instructions and communication strategies in Authentic Confidence. It includes a self-assessment called the Authentic Confidence Quotient along with a career building tool called the Career Confidence Guide. Authentic Confidence has been proven to elevate the influence of leaders and enhance employee engagement at all levels.

Phase II: Self-Assessment

Increase Your Self-Awareness

CHAPTER 7

The Biology of Confidence

Great leaders communicate the appropriate amount of confidence in every situation. How do we find that balance between over confidence and under confidence? It starts with understanding our confidence tendencies. Many of our confidence issues are connected to our DNA. The University of California Los Angeles has researched our genetic predisposition to certain levels of self-esteem. The oxytocin receptor gene has been found to predict whether someone has a bias toward optimism or low self-esteem. The research is available in the online edition of the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) and in the journal’s September 13, 2011 print edition.

In other words, we are biologically hard-wired with a tendency to lean toward one end of the confidence continuum. This is why Authentic Confidence is challenging; it is not a natural state. Each of us has a bias. That does not mean we are stuck in that bias, but rather, we have to learn how to overcome the bias.

No matter how you were raised, your biology favors either the glass half-full or half-empty. For example, some people are able to quickly get over things and move on while others have a difficult time; it is based on a biological disposition.

If you struggle advocating for yourself or believing you are ready for the next challenge, you may have a biological bias toward under confidence. If you have noticed that you exaggerate your skills to others and have seen your confidence outpace your competence, then you may have a biological bias toward over confidence. The good news is that your genetics define your starting point, not your ending point. No matter your bias, you can work toward finding that sweet spot for your own leadership. When you find that sweet spot, you will be living the core beliefs of Pride in Work + Humility in Relationships. One of the ways to consider your bias toward over or under confidence is to examine compliments and criticisms.

Compliments

When someone offers you a compliment, how do you respond? If you do not respond well you may struggle with under confidence.

If you respond well, you will demonstrate pride in your work and gain influence. If you do not handle compliments well—for example, when someone gives you a compliment, and you deflect it—people will lose trust in you. The person giving you the compliment will walk away feeling disappointed. The giver is attempting to validate all your hard work and wants a mutually beneficial exchange. Instead, they feel disconnected and frustrated that you did not accept the encouragement.

What is the root cause? Bragophobia—the fear of looking like a bragger. No one wants to be seen as boastful, so we go to great lengths to avoid that reputation. The unintended consequences of bragophobia is under confidence. We make sure no one thinks we are over confident, so we undersell our capabilities. We view this as humility; however, taken too far, we no longer advocate for ourselves or accept compliments.

At a young age, I saw a bully on the playground. I vowed to never be like that person. I never wanted to be the kid who everyone thought was a “show off.” The way I accomplished this was to diminish compliments. When someone said, “great job,” I would say some version of, “no big deal.” I thought others would view me as humble for not accepting the compliment. That is not what happened.

People want you to accept the compliment with a simple, “Thank you,” and when you do not, you are not taking pride in your work. This is a maladaptive strategy that starts from wanting to appear humble and ends up as false humility. False humility is when you know you are good at something yet deny that fact in front of others. It leaves others feeling frustrated in the exchange.

For many years, I responded in this way. For example, if someone thanked me for a great coaching session, I used to deflect it. A mentor of mine finally said, “knock it off.” I was confused and a little thrown by the comment. He continued, “You spent hours working with that person and it went well; own it.”

He was right and the same is true for you. When you do a great job, own it! It is not bragging to say a genuine, “Thank you.”

There is a reason why taking pride in your work is the first core belief. It is the start of Authentic Confidence. If you are willing to genuinely accept a compliment and take pride in your work, you will be on your way to building the career you deserve.

You will leave the conversation feeling valued and encouraged. This is exactly what the other person wants you to feel. It is a beautiful and collaborative connection, when done properly. When we accept compliments, our teammates will start responding the same way.

I coach so many leaders who will explain how a compliment should be received but will not accept a compliment. They will say to me, “I’m not good at accepting compliments, but I’m great at giving them.” This is unfortunate, because actions speak louder than words. If they do not model accepting compliments, eventually, the team will follow the leader. They will eventually stop accepting them as well. Taking pride in your work and accepting compliments will give everyone around you the permission to do the same.

Criticism

How do you handle constructive criticism? If you do not accept any negative feedback from others, you may struggle with over confidence. When you respond well to criticism, you demonstrate humility in relationships. You will gain influence and others will feel safe talking with you about your strengths and growth areas.

Why is it so hard to hear negative feedback? There are often two reasons. First, you don’t believe it is true and you are fighting back. Secondly, you believe it is true, but you don’t like someone rubbing it in your face. Either way, it is easy to overreact or underreact. When our reaction is not appropriate to the feedback, trust is lost.

The Authentic Confidence model, at the beginning of the book explains feedback responses. Some people hear feedback and move into over confidence. When they hear negative feedback, they will say things like, “I totally disagree with you,” “You never trained me to do that,” “I never knew about that deadline,” or “Why aren’t you talking to the rest of the team? They’re the problem.” These defensive responses demonstrate blame of self or others. These statements, if unaddressed, will lead to dysfunctional teams where feedback is not given or received.

The reason why these responses are so common is because criticism challenges our identity. If we believe we are great employees, this criticism challenges that belief. Someone is saying we are not great and that there is something wrong with us.

So, what do we do? We defend ourselves. We stand up for ourselves and share our side of the story. This served us well early in life. If we were blamed for eating the last cookie, and did not do it, we wouldn’t roll over and take the blame. The problem occurred when we did eat the last cookie and denied it. That lack of honesty infuriates others. It leads to denial.

There are many reasons why people live in denial. They may have had a parent or sibling who told them they would never measure up.

Many individuals who demonstrate over confidence are masking their under confidence. A common strategy to deal with rejection is to reject others first. Defensiveness is a reflex and they surround themselves with people who agree with them. Any disagreement is seen as an attack and will not be tolerated.

If we will not accept any feedback, others become increasingly frustrated with us. They will no longer offer feedback because they know we will not listen. So they give up on us and the relationship breaks down. They take their comments underground because sharing them is not safe.

Unfortunately, much of this stems from under confidence. If we do not feel good about ourselves, we may have a fear that the criticism is true and we really do not measure up.

If we feel unworthy in our new position and believe we are imposters, we will struggle with difficult feedback. We are already anxious about being found out as incompetent, so we work hard to prove others wrong instead. We want to prove we can do it and that we are the right person for the job.

If we are completely honest, however, we are not sure we are the best person for the job. We are still trying to prove we are the right person to ourselves, and this can create a level of paranoia. We are worried about what others are thinking of us. We quickly discount criticism. The problem is when we discount criticism, it simply goes underground, and it will turn into gossip.

This is why the first step is taking pride in our work. Once you have pride in your work and you know why you are valued at work, it will allow you to handle the criticism. It is the understanding that feedback is not to be avoided; it is a gift to help you improve.

When we own the fact that we are not perfect and have work to do, we become open to the idea of feedback. There are still right and wrong ways to give it, but, at least, we are open to hearing it. It allows us to take ownership of feedback that is appropriate and ditch the rest.

It does not mean you accept everything at face value, but it also does not mean you reject it all without reflection. Honor the person giving you the feedback, evaluate what you are hearing, and share it with someone you trust. Accept what is appropriate and reject the rest. This is how you will respond when you are responding to feedback with Authentic Confidence. When you hear negative feedback, thank the person for bringing it to your attention. Ask humble questions to ensure you are clear, and give them a timeline to reflect and respond. Follow up with a meaningful conversation. The goal is not to eliminate negative feedback, but to learn from it.

Your ability to appropriately respond to feedback is largely based on your self-awareness. Self-awareness is having an accurate view of yourself and being equally comfortable with your greatness and weakness. If you do not have an accurate view of yourself, you may ask for help when you do not need it or offering help that is not valuable. Arrogance and insecurity often create a misalignment between confidence and competence.

Effective leaders know when to ask for help and when to provide it. They have the ability to handle all sorts of feedback and to respond with confidence.

If self-awareness is essential to effective leadership, how do you increase it? The first step is to align your confidence and competence. In other words, it is the ability to honestly evaluate the quality of your work and relationships. Unstoppable careers start with an honest view of how good you are and how you talk about it. The Phase II Self-Assessment will help you understand your current level of confidence. In Phase III, you will learn the secrets to grow your competence.

CHAPTER 8

Confidence Profile: Peace Keeper

A confidence continuum exists, and we are all on it. In order to understand our confidence tendencies, it is important to take an honest self-evaluation. This will increase self-awareness.

Self-awareness is critical in leadership and is the first step in working through your confidence challenges. Self-assessments are safe pathways for you to take an honest look in the mirror. When it comes to confidence issues, labels are dangerous. Calling someone arrogant or insecure is a sure way to shut down a conversation.

After thousands of coaching sessions around confidence challenges, I discovered all of the participants fell into one of six profiles. These profiles represent our confidence tendencies and help us understand how to best interact with others. The Confidence Profiles are Peace Keeper, Friend Maker, Inquisitor, Negotiator, Driver, and Convincer. There is no right or wrong profile, as leadership is about progress not perfection. One of the greatest myths regarding confidence issues is that people are in a fixed state. People believe that some individuals are over confident and others are under confident in all areas of life. Some people fit in this category, but this is the exception, not the rule. We all have a bias toward over or under confidence, but this is not a fixed state; it is a tendency.

Whatever your profile, you will learn the ability to connect to the other profiles and elevate your level of influence. The Confidence Profiles were created to be used as a starting point for your career development, not the ending point.

Each of the profiles has a set of characteristics. You have a primary Confidence Profile at work that guides the way you view communication, conflict, and change. If you are interested in taking the Confidence Profile Assessment, visit BenFauske.com. The following is an explanation of each profile.

Confidence Profile: Peace Keeper

Taylor is a Peace Keeper and almost everyone likes her. She works hard at what she does and does not want to let anyone down. She takes on the tasks that others avoid and spends time supporting others. She prides herself in being relaxed and does not like high stress. She believes that the most successful leaders and teams have low drama.

Taylor does not like conflict for the sake of conflict and is uncomfortable with awkward conversations. When others are too aggressive, she will retreat. She is humble and has a hard time with people who do not share her values. She is prone to judging others who are self-serving or act superior. She does not enjoy criticism, as she is often her own harshest critic. She keeps to herself, but when she gives a compliment, it is genuine. She is looking for mutually beneficial relationships, but, sometimes, others can take advantage of her. She does not want the spotlight, and if she chooses the spotlight, it is because she has done the work necessary to be prepared.

She wants to be included and has found one of the best ways to be included is to serve. She pays attention to the details and will notice the small things people need. She struggles with stress at times and does not feel she has permission to really speak her mind. She is not sure if her opinion is correct, or even if it matters. She is looking for ways to fit in and wants to be in the background more than out front. She would prefer hanging out with a select few instead of a large group of people.

She is motivated by how things will improve. She likes a fair warning o...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword
• Preface
• Introduction
• Phase I – Core Beliefs: Why Some Love and Others Hate Work
• Phase II – Self-Assessment: Increase Your Self-Awareness
• Phase III – Career Building: Discover the Pattern of World-Class Influencers
• Conclusion – Stories of Authentic Confidence
• Acknowledgments
• Resources
• About the Author