Prologue
August 1983. Radio Scotland Studio. P.K. Kelly is getting ready to be interviewed live on Radio Scotland late at night. She sniffs constantly through the scene due to her cocaine habit. She has big earphones on and sheās popping chewing gum as she waits to be interviewed. She acts cool and pretentious as she nods along to her new single. She spits the chewing gum into a Radio Scotland mug as her synth-pop song is fading out. P.K. speaks with a cringey half-American/half-Scottish accent throughout the scene. We only hear the D.J.ās voice.
D.J. That was a sneeky-peek of P.K. Kellyās next single Midnight in Vienna. Itās a belter! Iām delighted to say sheās here with us in the studio tonight. Here to talk about her cracking new album; Cold Fire in the Night. And her upcoming world tour with Eurythmics no less. Hello P.K.
P.K. Hey.
D.J. Itās been a while.
P.K. Yeah. Two years since Broadway Accident.
D.J. Thatās some hibernation!
P.K. A donāt hibernate ā A gestate. Aām not a bear.
D.J. Well we donāt need to ask whit fit she kickās wi ā do we listeners?
P.K. And you wonder why A donāt miss Glasgow?
D.J. Eh. Em. (Gets his train of thought back on track.) Would you say the new album is a departure; musically?
P.K. Iām not sure how to answer that.
D.J. You know ā that punk spirit your old music used to have.
P.K. This album is full of spirit. But itās a spirit of . . . longing. A spirit of . . . understanding. Keyboards are the future. Electronica ā you know?
D.J. What ever happened to three chords and the truth, eh?
P.K. Why donāt you tell me?
D.J. Would you say that musicās lost its dirty soul?
P.K. You never answered my question.
Awkward silence.
D.J. The new albumās causing a big stir in the States.
P.K. Itās extraordinary. Overwhelming really. Aām pretty satisfied with it. Cold Fire in the Night is all about connecting people . . . with people ā and getting them to dance. Make love ā you know?
D.J. If you say so. Going on tour with Eurythmics. Does being two wonderfully talented Scottish female singers help you and Annie to click?
P.K. Click? You mean like clunk-click? Iāve never been in a car with her.
D.J. You must have lots in common I mean. You know ā both being Scottish.
P.K. People donāt have control over where theyāre born! Aāve lived in New York for two years ā then Los Angeles for the last three. Would you ask me that if she was from L.A.?
D.J. (avoiding the question) Wow. Five years. I didnāt know it was that long. Youāve been in America five years, eh? Five years since punk? Wow. It feels like only yesterday I was pogoing about in Paisley. Saw your first band a few times. (Sings.) Ever been stung by a Jaggy Nettle. Ever been stung by a Jaggy Nettle! Good times!
P.K. (spiky) Speak for yourself. A donāt reminisce ā itās bad karma.
D.J. There was a great sense of something happening in Scotland back then. A spirit of being part of some sort of revolution. Your band helped to put Scotland on the punk map. Surely youāre proud of that?
P.K. Youāre boring me. Last question.
D.J. Weāve still got another ten minutes.
P.K. (losing her temper) Do you know what halitosis is? Do you know what a deodorant is? A can smell you through the glass.
D.J. You sound like an advert for personal hygiene products.
P.K. And you smell like a hippopotamus. Trapped in a lift. In a heat wave. (Broad Scottish accent.) A deid wan!
D.J. (losing his cool) Iād rather be trapped in a lift with a deid hippo than you ā thatās for/
P.K. /Last question!
D.J. Okay. Whatever happened to the Jaggy Nettles, P.K.?
P.K. Fuck you!
She rips off her headphones and storms out.
D.J. (flustered) P.K. Kelly is leaving the building! Sheās one touchy goose dressed up as a swan. Apologies for the bad language. It looks like punkās not dead after all, listeners. So hereās The Ramones. With . . . āBeat on the Bratā ā with a baseball bat, oh yeah!
Scene One
The Practice Pad. Lori, Timpani, Bonnie Ann, Kunti and Baby are hanging out. Bonnie Ann plays the first chords of āEver Been Stung by a Jaggy Nettle?ā Lori goes over to a microphone. Timpani starts to hit his bass drum repeatedly.
Kunti Itās August 1978, motherfuckers. Last month The Clash played the Apollo. We were aw thare. Steamboats. Full ae glue. Doun the front. Rippin up the seats. White Riot ā gonna riot ā know whit Aām sayin?!
Kunti plays a single low note repeatedly on the bass.
Lori Aām Lori. Lori Logan. An the Jaggy Nettles is ma band. Well ā whit A mean is. It wis ma idea. Aām thair Sven . . . Svenga . . . Svengal . . . thair ...