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- 96 pages
- English
- ePUB (mobile friendly)
- Available on iOS & Android
eBook - ePub
NSFW
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About This Book
Lucy Kirkwood's sharp comedy looks at power games and privacy in the media and beyond.
Carrie's getting them out for the lads, Charlotte's just grateful to have a job, Sam's being asked to sell more than his body, and Aidan's trying to keep Doghouse magazine from going under. Set in the cut-throat media world, Lucy Kirkwood's timely new comedy exposes power games and privacy in the age of Photoshop.
[NSFW = Not Safe For Work, online material which the viewer may not want to be seen accessing in a public or formal setting such as at work.]
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Information
1.
The editorâs office of Doghouse magazine, a weekly publication for young men. The magazineâs name appears in neon on the wall. Beyond the door, an open-plan office.
There is a pool table, a fridge of drinks. A dartboard. The editorâs desk has a desktop Apple computer on it. There are framed prints of topless photo shoots on the walls. A cricket bat in the corner. An enormous Liverpool FC flag strung from the ceiling. The pool table is strewn with toys and gadgets and computer games that the magazine has reviewed or is reviewing.
CHARLOTTE, a middle-class girl from outside of London who now lives in Tooting, is sitting on a chair, a folder in her lap, furiously writing notes. She has other files on the floor which she consults from time to time.
RUPERT, an upper-class boy from Berkshire who now lives in Hoxton, watches her. Bored, he yawns, looks about the office. Wanders over to the pool table and gives it a kick.
RUPERT. When I first started here, we used to play on that all the time.
This place has gone to the fucking dogs.
He sits down on the floor at CHARLOTTEâs feet.
Scratch my head.
Without looking away from her work, or stopping writing, CHARLOTTE reaches a hand out and scratches RUPERTâs head. He groans in pleasure.
SAM, a working-class, university-educated boy from outside of London who now lives in Archway, enters, juggling a cardboard tray of coffees. Heâs sweaty and frantic.
SAM. Am I late? Is he here?
CHARLOTTE takes one of the coffees. RUPERT takes another.
CHARLOTTE. Heâs in a meeting with finance. Running late.
SAM. There was this woman in Starbucks, and she couldnât make up her mind, she kept saying âThereâs so much choice, isnât there!â and laughing, / I nearly â
CHARLOTTE. Sam? Calm down.
SAM. No just the thing is, is I was late on Monday too and I canât, / I just canât â
RUPERT. Mate. Last year I was reviewing absinthe for the June issue. I got completely munted, walked in here, Aidanâs taking a meeting with Roger fucking Highsmith, yeah? I donât remember a thing but apparently I took out my cock and balls, jiggled them in my hand, said âHow dâyou like them apples?â and threw up on his folding bicycle. Iâm still here, arenât I? Itâs media. Youâre not going to get fired for being late with some coffees.
CHARLOTTE. Yeah well, itâs different for you, isnât it.
RUPERT. How is it different for me? I am a member of the workforce.
CHARLOTTE stares at him.
CHARLOTTE. Dâyou know how Rupert got this job, / Sam?
RUPERT. Classy. Really fucking classy, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE. Dâyou think he did an interview? Dâyou think he spent hours checking the font on his CV?
RUPERT. Century Gothic, thank you and actually yes I did an interview and FYI, I didnât conduct it on my knees, like some / people we COULD MENTION â
CHARLOTTE. He got a / THIRD. In ART HISTORY.
RUPERT sings, in a rather beautiful baritone, to the tune of âMandyâ by Barry Manilow:
RUPERT. âOh Charlotte, you came, and you gave me chlamydia.â
CHARLOTTE. Shut up! Whatâs wrong with you?
RUPERT. What? Iâm just messing with you.
CHARLOTTE. Sam doesnât know that.
RUPERT. Sam, I was messing about. It was jokes.
CHARLOTTE. I did not give him chlamydia.
RUPERT. No. Of course she didnât. Of course.
Of course.
He winks at SAM, scratches his crotch. Mouths the sentence âIt was crabsâ at him, shielding his mouth from CHARLOTTEâs view.
CHARLOTTE. What did you say?
RUPERT. I said IT WAS CRABS.
CHARLOTTE throws down her files, goes for him, he dodges her, laughing.
Her Secret Gardenâs crawling with pests, Sam! Omnem relinquite spem, o vos intrantes!
She catches him, puts him in a headlock, sinks him to his knees.
CHARLOTTE. Whereâs your copy? Aidanâs going to ask, what am I going to tell him?
RUPERT. Youâll think of something! / (Laughs.) Ow!
CHARLOTTE. Do I look like your mother? Do I look like your / fucking mother, bitch?
RUPERT. Oh, donât letâs fight, darling! Not in front of the child!
CHARLOTTE. Iâm serious, you fucking waste of space â
RUPERT. Sam, sheâs flirting with me! Youâre a witness, sheâs flirting and itâs hurting!
AIDAN enters. A middle-class, educated, good-looking man. He is carrying a large oblong item, covered in brown paper and protective wrapping.
He stops, stares at the scene. CHARLOTTE and RUPERT disentangle themselves. Beat. AIDAN carries on across the room to his desk, takes his jacket off, dumps his bag.
AIDAN. Great issue. I really mean that.
SAM rushes to bring AIDAN his coffee.
(No, Iâm alright, Sam, had one upstairs.)
SAM takes the lid off the coffee, knocks it back in one go.
The circulationâs finally taken a leap, itâs early days, but the heart monitor is flickering, itâs definitely flickering. Print journalism lives to fight another day.
A half-hearted cheer from the others. He holds up the parcel.
Just arrived from the print shop.
He pulls off the wrapping to reveal a large framed print of a topless girl, kneeling on an unmade bed. Itâs not a professional-standard image, itâs been taken by an amateur. The girl has very large breasts, and is in a pose that emphasises this, arching her back, presenting her arse. A sexy face, lips apart, a finger in her mouth. She is undoubtedly beautiful, but also very natural, her make-up is a little crudely applied, her hair is a little wild, she wears a white-cotton pair of everyday pants, chipped blue nail varnish, plastic bangles on her wrists. AIDAN takes down last yearâs winner from where it hangs on the wall, and places the new print in its place.
Lady and gentlemen, meet Doghouseâs Local Lovely, 2012.
They all look at it.
CHARLOTTE (reading from the caption). âCarrie, eighteen, likes Twilight books and theme parks.â
RUPERT. Chestington World of Adventures!
CHARLOTTE. Itâs retarded. At least last yearâs had the reading age of a grown-up.
RUPERT. Charlotte was reading Proust when she was eighteen.
CHARLOTTE. Rupert was playing soggy biscuit when he was eighteen.
RUPERT. Still do. Lovely end to an evening, a good round of old SB.
CHARLOTTE. What were you doing when you were eighteen, Sam?
SAM. Revising.
CHARLOTTE. No but for fun.
SAM. Revising. Pretty much from when I was sixteen, to when I came here, I was revising.
AIDANâs looking up at the print on the wall.
AIDAN. I really like this.
RUPERT. Carrie, meet Humbert Humbert.
AIDAN. No, I do, I mean. Aesthetically. I think this is what we should be going for. Much more natural than last yearâs. Naturalâs good. There was a sort of, plastic quality to last yearâs, around her â
CHARLOTTE. Tits.
AIDAN. No, I meant more in her / energy â
CHARLOTTE. Tits.
AIDAN. I mean, there was a quality, an overall quality that I found a bit, intimidating. But this is good, itâs very real very next-door very normal. How many entries did we have this year?
SAM. Nine hundred and sixty-nine.
RUPERT laughs. CHARLOTTE gives him a look.
RUPERT. Sixty-nine.
AIDAN. Not bad. Up on last year.
CHARLOT...
Table of contents
- Cover
- Title page
- Contents
- Original Production
- Characters
- NSFW
- About the Author
- Copyright and Performing Rights Information