ACT ONE
The doors, walls, firegrates, windows, floors of a large, rundown two-storey Victorian house in the South Coast town of Mugsborough.
Scene One
āUpwardly Mobileā
KIRSTY, an estate agent. ALAN and JULIE, prospective buyers. JULIE is artistic. ALAN is a businessman, sharp masked by cheerfulness.
A mobile phone rings.
ALAN (answers his mobile). Alan here. (To KIRSTY and JULIE.) Excuse me.
KIRSTY. And this is the dining room.
JULIE. Itās a lovely space.
KIRSTY. The house was built in 1856. There was a major renovation in 1904. Otherwise itās more or less untouchedā¦
ALAN (overlapping). Yes, Iām ready to make an offer. Iāll get back to you.
KIRSTY.ā¦ Entrance porch and lobby, four reception rooms, six bedrooms, one bathroom but the two upstairs bedrooms can be easily converted to en suite, and thereās an old-style kitchen and scullery. Work is needed but thereās great potential. And itās a walled garden, not overlooked.
ALAN. The scullery back there. How did they live like that?
KIRSTY is about to speak but JULIE jumps in.
JULIE. The brownstone sink is wonderful. Find a way of keeping that. (Looks up.) The ceiling roses, they original?
KIRSTY. They are. Victorian.
JULIE. Rather painted over.
KIRSTY. Itās the patina of age.
ALAN. You mean the layers of crud. (Smiles.)
KIRSTY. They can be restored, there is a specialist firm in Mugsboroughā¦
ALAN. What, run by a cousin of yours?
KIRSTY laughs uneasily.
JULIE (low). Alan. (To KIRSTY.) Of course, weāre really looking for a vicarage.
KIRSTY. Well, the house does have gravitasā¦
ALAN. āGravitas.ā You mean itās gloomy. That why itās called The Cave?
JULIE. Thereās lots of space, Alan. The second-biggest reception room could be a studio. (To KIRSTY.) I pot.
KIRSTY. Havenāt the faintest how you do that, lump on a wheel and ā (Gesture with fingers and thumbs.) hey presto: jugs, tea setsā¦
JULIE. I do throw, but I prefer to coil.
KIRSTY. Cool.
JULIE. I believe in arts and crafts.
KIRSTY. Donāt we all.
A moment.
So, Mr and Mrs Flotter, youāre moving down from Londonā¦
JULIE. Bromley.
ALAN. Iāve been made South East Area Manager of BargainBest Stores.
KIRSTY. BargainBest are opening in Mugsborough?
ALAN. Oh yeah.
KIRSTY. Great for the town.
ALAN. Very, Iād say.
JULIE wanders away and is looking at a wall.
Look, Iām interested.
KIRSTY. Goodā¦
JULIE. Thereās a green wallpaper underneath.
ALAN (ignoring her). But the place is almost derelict and itās on for four-fifty? Thatās just way too much.
KIRSTY. Well of course, as the agent, I have to represent the vendorās interestsā¦
ALAN. I understand that.
JULIE. I think itās Edwardian.
ALAN. Kirsty, isnāt it?
KIRSTY. Yeah.
JULIE. Embossed.
JULIE pulls a length of paper away, up the wall.
And thereāre some kind of paintingsā¦
ALAN. Look at it like this, Kirsty: BargainBest could single-handedly trigger a bit of a property boom. And when did Mugsborough last see one of them? Three-ninety.
KIRSTY (almost jumps). No no, Iām very sorry, Mr Flotter, the vendor wouldnāt go that low.
JULIE. Did you say renovated in 1904?
KIRSTY. Yes, Mrs Flotterā¦
JULIE (looking up). Chinese landscapes, Edwardian orientalā¦
ALAN. Old woman selling, right? Needs cash for her care?
KIRSTY. I really canātā¦
ALAN. Just tell me how low you think sheād go.
KIRSTY. It would have to be over four.
ALAN. Four-oh-five. And weāre sold up, no chain.
KIRSTY (taking out a mobile). Iāll make a call. (Going off.) Could I speak to Mrs Sweater, pleaseā¦
She has gone.
JULIE. I love it, Alan. (She nods.) Look, someone did some beautiful paintings. We could have them restored.
ALAN. Oh well, into the money pitā¦
JULIE. If you thinkā¦
ALAN. No no, itāll be okay. A new life, Julie.
JULIE. Yes.
ALAN. Iāll go and twist this girlās arm.
He goes off. JULIE squints at the paintings.
JULIE. Birds by a lake.
FRANK OWEN enters. He carries a brush and a pot of white paint. He is in the working clothes of 1904. JULIE turns and, for a moment, they look at each other.
OWEN (aside). I did those paintings. In nineteen hundred and four.
JULIE. Theyāre beautiful.
OWEN. Beautyās not the half of it. Watch.
Scene Two
āA Songā
A work session. FRANK OWEN, WILL EASTON, OLD JOE PHILPOT, JACK SLYME, FRED HARLOW, BUNDY, young BERT WHITE and the silent BARRINGTON are all working hard: scraping, washing down, filling.
BUNDY sings. After a while BERT goes off.
BUNDY (singing).
Now Iām not a wealthy man,
But I lives upon a plan,
Wot will render me as happy as a king;
Anā if you will allow, Iāll sing it to you now,
For time you know is always on the wing.
ALL but OWEN (singing).
Work, boys, work and be contented,
So long as youāve enough to buy a meal.
For if you will but try, youāll be wealthy ā by and by ā
If youāll only put yer shoulder to the wheel.
PHILPOT is in trouble. OWEN sees it and goes to him, careful to check the other workers have not seen.
OWEN. Joe, bear up.
PHILPOT. Itās my knee, it sort oā gives way.
OWEN. Just go softly, itās nearly dinner time.
PHILPOT. I canāt go softly, Frank, Bob Crassāll tell Old Misery Iām not up to it.
OWEN. Crass isnāt here. Heās down below mixing his colours.
PHILPOT. I got to keep on the right side of āem. They musnāt know ābout this bloody knee.
OWEN. Let me finish that off.
PHILPOT. No, Frank, I got me pride.
OWEN (turning away). Oh pride, that we have. No sense, but buckets oā pride.
BUNDY (singing). Now Iām not a wealthy manā¦
OWEN (interrupting him). Can we āave done with your racket?
BUNDY. Donāt yer like a song then, Owen?
OWEN. Not that song.
BUNDY. Whatās wrong with it, then?
OWEN. Donāt it bother you, the meaninā of what youāre singinā?
BUNDY. It just means: āIām singinā.ā
OWEN. Itās a Tory, free-tariff song and you know it. And youāre only singinā it to get up my nose.
BUNDY. Up your red nose you mean?
HA...