A Breakfast of Eels (NHB Modern Plays)

Robert Holman

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781780015774
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

In the haze of a late summer in a London garden, the apples have all fallen to the ground. It is the day of Daddy's funeral, and two orphans find themselves suddenly alone, with nobody to cling to but each other.

Robert Holman's play A Breakfast of Eels was premiered at the Print Room at the Coronet, London, in March 2015.

ACT ONE

The vast lawn at 2 Old Highgate Road, London. The shadows of apple trees are being cast by the morning sun. It is late summer. As if thrown onto the grass are hundreds of apples, brought down by a storm in the night, and a few boxes, some with apples already in them and some not. There is a wasp trapped in an empty jam jar.

FRANCIS, aged thirty-five, is eating toast. He is dressed in a black suit at least two sizes too big, a white shirt and polished, black shoes. He licks his fingers clean. He picks up apples and puts them in a box.

PENROSE COLLINS is twenty-one. He is wearing jeans, a white T-shirt, a grey jumper with holes in it, and soft shoes with the laces unfastened.

PENROSE (entering, doing a skip and a jump). I had blackberries for breakfast. (A hop.) I had them in a teacup. (A skip.) They tasted of tea. (A jump.) Which was a waste of the blackberries.

He does a hop and a skip, stops by the jam jar and bends over to look at it.

What’s this here?

FRANCIS. What does it look like?

PENROSE. A wasp in a jam jar.

FRANCIS. That’s what it is then.

PENROSE looks at FRANCIS for a moment.

PENROSE. Why are you wearing one of Daddy’s suits?

FRANCIS. I thought I would today. Daddy doesn’t need it any longer. (Stops picking up apples.) Your hair looks like birds are nesting in it. Why aren’t you bathed? Why aren’t you dressed? Why aren’t you ready to go?

PENROSE (combing his hair with his fingers). No, I am bathed.

A slight pause.

FRANCIS. We’ve Daddy’s funeral this morning.

PENROSE. Yes.

A slight pause.

(Doing a hop.) Why should I want to see Daddy when he’s put in the soil? (Doing a skip.) He’s not a tree. (A jump.) Pluto’s under the weather.

FRANCIS. He had a furball.

PENROSE. Hairball, actually.

FRANCIS. Whatever it is cats get, he won’t miss you this morning.

A slight pause.

PENROSE. No.

FRANCIS. I’ll miss you, Penrose.

A slight pause.

PENROSE. Yes. (Bending down to fasten one of his shoelaces.) I stayed here when you put Mummy in the ground. I was only eleven. I watched you all go with my forehead on a window at the top of the house. It was raining the sort of infuriating rain that makes you damp rather than wet.

FRANCIS. Drizzle.

PENROSE. Yes.

A slight pause.

FRANCIS. You’re going to Daddy’s funeral if I have to drag you into a suit myself.

PENROSE gulps and FRANCIS picks up apples.

PENROSE (doing a hop, suddenly singing).
Did you not hear my lady
go down the garden singing?

A skip.

Blackbird and thrush were silent
to hear the alleys ringing

A jump.

O saw you not my lady
out in the garden there?

A hop.

Shaming the rose and lily
for she is twice as fair

He is still.

Though I am nothing to her
though she must rarely look at me
and though I could never woo her
I love her till I die

FRANCIS. I’ll break your legs into small pieces if you don’t go and get ready.

PENROSE gulps.

PENROSE (doing a skip).

Surely you heard my lady
go down the garden singing?

A jump.

Silencing all the songbirds
and setting the alleys ringing

A hop.

But surely you see my lady
out in the garden there

A skip.

Rivalling the glittering sunshine
with a glory of golden hair.

He picks up an apple and holds it out as a peace offering.

A slight pause.

FRANCIS comes over. He spits on the apple. PENROSE flinches.

A slight pause.

PENROSE wipes the apple clean with a handkerchief and offers it to FRANCIS again. FRANCIS takes it and puts it in a box. He picks up apples. PENROSE watches him.

(Twisting the neck of his jumper.) I don’t know why I’ve not told you before, Francis, but I’m definitely not going to Daddy’s funeral. I understand it’s remiss of me. It just isn’t convenient today.

FRANCIS. You’ve more excuses than the present politicians.

PENROSE. I shan’t pussyfoot about. I’ve things here to be busy with.

FRANCIS. Why should I go on my own?

PENROSE. Well, I think you’re rather excellent on these occasions.

A slight pause.

FRANCIS. There will be hundreds of mourners at the church, I’ve no doubt.

PENROSE. Yes.

FRANCIS. All looking out for you.

A slight pause.

PENROSE. No.

FRANCIS. All wondering where you are.

A slight pause.

PENROSE. No.

FRANCIS. Daddy was an influential man, which makes it significant for you. It’s going to be an immense occasion.

PENROSE (quietly). Help.

A slight pause.

Why am I so insanely worthless?

FRANCIS. You’re not worthless, certainly not today. If I have to drag you by your hair you’re going.

PENROSE gulps.

PENROSE. I dearly wish I wasn’t so worthless.

FRANCIS (taking a black tie from his pocket and putting it on). Penrose, the cars will be here in exactly ten minutes.

PENROSE (doing a hop). Why should I want Daddy in the soil attacked by armies of hungry worms?

FRANCIS. You won’t see it.

PENROSE (doing a skip). Yes, but I’ve an imagination. (A jump.) Was Mummy eaten by ravenous bugs?

FRANCIS. You know she was buried.

PENROSE. Yes, why in heaven did I ask? (Bends down to fasten the other shoelace.) I was so completely flummoxed by it all when she vanished. I actually believe you’re wearing the same tie. We went along to see her a week or two later. You absolutely insisted I see her grave… and took my hand as we stood by the headstone you and Daddy had arranged in her memory. It was a misty day… you wept, copiously.

FRANCIS. It was a long time ago. Ten years have gone by at the speed of light.

PENROSE. Why are you angry?

FRANCIS. I’m not angry in the slightest. I’m very frustrated.

PENROSE. I could wear those horrible red trousers I bought by mistake when I was feeling silly and euphoric, not my usual self at all. And purchase a yellow jacket to go with them which I can shop for after lunch. I could go as a rainbow.

FRANCIS fiddles with the collar of his shirt.

FRANCIS. Penrose, you wept that afternoon, didn’t you?

PENROSE nods slightly.

I cried because you did. I was doing my best to be really str...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Original Production
• Characters
• A Breakfast of Eels
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information