1 Another country
It is a warm sunny day as I sit down to write. Several days ago, on a cold damp December evening, I left Heathrow Airport in London bound for Auckland, New Zealand. Now I am in a beautiful rural location surrounded by open countryside. The house, which is spacious and cool, is set at the top of a small hill. Below, one may catch sight of the Tukituki river as it meanders its way to the sea some 20 miles distant. A small farmstead lies at the foot of the hill. Occasionally someone may walk from the farm across the pasture, but throughout the day that is the only human being one may see. It is the perfect place from which to look back across the years and to reflect on events that took place long ago and that have subsequently shaped my life.
Memories, Dreams, Reflections. It was the Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung who took these three words for the title of his autobiography and to me they encapsulate what I intend this book to be. I shall not necessarily follow a chronological order in my writing. Dreams and memories which occasion reflection do not work in such a way. A dream will be experienced and then vanish as quickly as it appeared. Some will linger for many a year. Memories swirl around in the mind and as the years pass by are often distorted as though, from the unconscious, one is attempting to make them acceptable. Some refuse to change and remain to give rise to a range of conflicting emotions.
As I prepared to write this first chapter I happened by chance to come across the writings of the late Philip Rieff, one of the leading interpreters of Freud. He wrote that desire and limitation, eros and authority are intimately connected. The tension between them provides the energy for all artistic endeavours. These two sentences struck home as they put into a nutshell something of my own experience. Through the poems I have attempted to give some expression to the range of conflicting emotions that are within me, as they are within all people. On the one hand there is the limitation and authority which I have accepted because of my whole upbringing, particularly having been brought up by a very strict father. On the other there are the human emotions equally strong. It is only now, in the latter years of mortal life, that I have been able to give some expression to these powerful forces through poetic writing.
The following lines, written long before I read Rieff, followed a lengthy discussion with a close friend and partially explain why his writings so impressed me. In the discussion we had I was attempting to understand why I had the desire to express myself in what was a different way of writing for me.
The following poem may seem unduly morose to some, but the fact is that I am in the final quarter of life and now is the time for me to reflect on what has been, what is and what hopefully will be.
SELF EXAMINATION
Can it be
That this sudden burst
Of poetic activity
Long held back
By fear,
Or doubt:
Can it be that this is a precursor
Of a mortal life rapidly drawing to a close?
The words stream forth
Filling the page with hopes,
Desires,
They rush to find a place,
Knowing that their source
Will soon be no more;
Himself a word, a memory,
Incapable of creating,
Incapable of loving, holding, caring,
A memory;
A memory of one who tried to love,
Who needed love;
A memory of one admired by some
Who knew not his inner pain,
His inner striving for wholeness,
His deep inner conflict
With light and darkness.
āA religious manā some said.
They knew nothing.
Nothing of his inner agony.
Nothing of his agony of disbelief,
Nothing of his striving to find truth,
Nothing of his desire to live truth
And so often failing.
āA worthy manā some said.
They knew nothing of his rejection of acclaim
And his desire for it.
A desire to be known, respected
And yet
It was simply a desire to be loved.
In the past days the flood gates of emotion
Have been opened.
Now, in these last days, they are
Thrown wide.
Secretly.
Privately
There is still a deep inner terror
That love and passion will destroy
An edifice created across life.
The days shorten
And life moves on its relentless way.
I give these words to you my friend.
Guard them,
Protect them:
They are my impoverished soul,
The soul that...