Enhancing Intimacy in Marriage

A Clinician's Guide

Dennis A. Bagarozzi

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781317722359
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy Counselling
• Index: Psychology

Most people believe that intimacy is a unitary construct-that is, that it is made up of only one component. Dr. Bagarozzi demonstrates how intimacy is comprised of at least nine separate subcomponents. The degree to which partners can meet the intimacy needs of their mates in all nine areas is critical to marital satisfaction. Building upon the foundations of the author's Enhancing Intimacy Program, which he developed and utilized in his own practice with clients, Enhancing Intimacy in Marriage explores the ways in which intimacy is demonstrated and communicated between married partners. A simple questionnaire, the Intimacy Needs Survey, is used to help couples identify areas of satisfaction and areas where intimacy needs are not being met. Clinical strategies for helping couples improve their intimacy are presented in case examples. This book is unique in that it offers clinicians a step-by-step approach for both assessment and intervention

PART

I

THEORETICAL CONSIDERATIONS

1
CHAPTER

Intimacy: Components of a Basic Human Need

Overview

• Intimacy: Examples and definition

• Nine components of intimacy as conceptualized by the author

• Discussion of each component need

• Discussion of romantic love

• Basic ingredients of mature love

Intimacy: Examples and Definitions

John and Susan

John and his wife, Susan, are both retired. They are sitting on a sofa watching videotapes of their grandchildren. Susan rests her head on John’s shoulder. John strokes her hair and says pensively: “I am so glad I met you that summer. You have been a wonderful wife for forty years. You’ve been a loving mother to our children and a caring grandmother. No man could ever ask for more.”

Susan is silent for a moment, then she squeezes John’s hand and kisses his cheek. “Thank you John,” she whispers, “I love you more than words can say.”

Jan and Victor

Jan and Victor have been trying for some time to have a child, but have not been successful. In a discouraged voice, Jan says to her husband: “I wonder if my inability to conceive is God’s punishment for sins I have committed in my past?”

Victor kisses Jan’s forehead, then he gently wipes away her tears and says softly: “God’s compassion and forgiveness are infinite. God loves you, and so do I.”

Tammy Jane and Cody

Tammy Jane is a professional cowgirl and barrel racer. Cody rides bulls for a living. These two young people refer to their lovemaking as their “midnight rodeo.” In the heat of passion, as Tammy Jane approaches orgasm she cries out: “Ride me, cowboy. I’m comin’ out of the chute, ride me hard!” Cody pulls Tammy Jane closer to him, looks into her eyes, and laughs.

Matthew and Katie

Matthew lays asphalt all day. He works long, hard hours. Katie often gives Matthew a massage before they retire for the evening. As she rubs his neck and upper back, Katie can feel him begin to relax as the day’s tension flows out of his body. In a few minutes, Matthew is fast asleep. Katie kisses the back of his neck, pulls the covers over the two of them and curls up next to her husband and closes her eyes.

Kathy and Robert

Kathy is an attorney in private practice. Robert is a county commissioner. They are childless by choice; a decision they made before they were married. Robert favors a new county legislative proposal that would increase taxes for the purpose of funding secondary education. Kathy, on the other hand, is against the proposal. She tells Robert that she does not believe that childless couples or couples who do not have children enrolled in the public school system should be “burdened with additional taxes.” Robert responds by saying “it is everyone’s responsibility to provide for the education of the next generation.” Kathy smiles at Robert and says: “I guess this is one of those areas where we disagree.” Robert looks at Kathy for a second and then says, “One of the things I really admire about you, Kathy, is your consistency and intellectual honesty.”

George and Sara

George is late for dinner again, and Sara is angry. As he walks in the front door, Sara says in a calm, measured tone, “George, I am very upset. This is the third time this week that you have come home late. You said you would call me if you were delayed. You show me no consideration. We both work, and I rush home to cook each evening. You make little effort to help me with the work around here. I am frustrated and hurt, and very disappointed in you.”

George is silent for a few seconds, then he turns to look at Sara and says in an angry voice, “You never liked my friends. You don’t like when I stop to have a few drinks with them after a hard day’s work. You say you’re upset, well, I’m upset too. Just because we are married now doesn’t give you the right to pick my friends and to tell me when to be home, where to go, or what to do.”

Sara looks at George intently and says, “George, we have a serious problem in our relationship. We seem to want different things from our marriage.” George responds less angrily this time, but he is clearly upset: “Yes, I agree we have some serious problems and some serious differences. I have been wondering if it was a mistake to have married.”

James and Connie

James kisses Connie’s cheek while she is sleeping. In response to his kiss, Connie opens her eyes and says “good morning.” James says “I’m sorry, I did not mean to wake you.” Connie replies: “That’s O.K. I was not asleep. I was just lying here listening to the geese flying over our house. They really are a vocal group and early risers!”

James leaves their bedroom and begins to prepare their morning coffee. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees something moving quietly through the wood behind their home. It is a doe and her fawn. They have come to drink from the creek which runs through the woods. Softly, James calls Connie to the kitchen window and shows her the two deer. James and Connie watch silently as these two graceful creatures turn to look in their direction. Then, as quietly as they appeared, the doe and her fawn move on and fade into the woods.

James whispers, “They are beautiful,” and Connie smiles.

The above vignettes are examples of simple, everyday interpersonal exchanges that occur in the lives of many couples. At first glance, they appear to be unremarkable. However, upon closer examination, one discovers that something very significant has taken place. All of the couples in these examples are engaged in intimate exchanges. Each dialogue demonstrates different types of intimate transactions.

The Random House Dictionary of the English Language defines intimacy as a “close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person” that entails a “detailed knowledge or deep understanding” of the other person as well as an active expression of one’s thoughts and feelings which then serve as a “token of familiarity.”

Nine Components of Intimacy

One can see from this very concise and pointed definition that true intimacy is an interactive process that contains a number of interrelated components. Central to the process is knowledge, understanding, and acceptance of the other, as well as empathy for the other person’s feelings and an appreciation for his or her unique view of the world. The author has worked with couples for more than thirty years, and during this time has identified nine separate, yet interrelated, components or dimensions of intimacy.

These are:

1. Emotional Intimacy

2. Psychological Intimacy

3. Intellectual Intimacy

4. Sexual Intimacy

5. Physical (Nonsexual) Intimacy

6. Spiritual Intimacy

7. Aesthetic Intimacy

8. Social and Recreational Intimacy

9. Temporal Intimacy

In the first example, John and Susan share a moment of physical and emotional intimacy. The interactions between Jan and Victor combine physical, spiritual, and psychological intimacies. Tammy Jane and Cody, on the other hand, show how sexual intimacy often merges with recreational intimacy. Although Matthew and Katie do not verbalize their loving and caring feelings in this example of physical intimacy, it is clear that they share deep and tender feelings for each other. Kathy and Robert’s intellectual exchanges also are intimate even though they express very different views. Here we see how mutual respect, empathy, and role reversal are integral parts of a truly intimate relationship. George and Sara are also involved in an emotionally intimate interaction. Even though the feelings expressed are not positive ones, the exchange is still intimate. In the final example, James and Connie share a few brief moments of aesthetic intimacy.

Intimacy is conceptualized as being a basic human need. It is not merely something that one “wants,” “desires,” or “would like to have.” It is a true human need that has its origins in and grows out of a more fundamental survival need for attachment. Severe disruptions in the mother-infant attachment bond or failure of attachment in infancy, for whatever reason, will have dire consequences for the development of true intimacy later in life. (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1979, 1980, 1988; Brazelton & Cramer, 1990; Doane & Diamond, 1994; Horner, 1984; Maccoby & Masters, 1970). The need for intimacy can be conceptualized as a developmentally more mature, differentiated, and advanced manifestation of the universal biological need for physical closeness, connection, and contact with another human being. However, the overall strength of this need for human bonding differs for each individual, and the nine components of this more general need also vary and differ in strength from person to person. So, for example, two people whose overall needs for intimacy are similar in strength may differ drastically in the strengths of their nine separate component needs. When one considers these differences between individuals, it is easy to understand how a husband and a wife, or two lovers, whose overall needs for intimacy are similar in strength, may still be dissatisfied with the intimacy they share and experience in their relationship. Frequently, couples who enter therapy in order to deal with dissatisfactions that revolve around unmet intimacy needs are surprised to learn ...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Preface
• Part I Theoretical Considerations
• Part II Practical Issues
• References
• Appendix A Spousal Inventory of Desired Change and Relationship Barriers: SIDCARB
• Appendix B Personal Sexual History
• Appendix C Sexual Attitudes and Practices Questionnaire
• Appendix D Sensate Focus
• Index