Sexual Desire Workbook

Lonnie Barbach P.H.D

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2014
• ISBN:
  9781317758501
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Human Sexuality in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

First published in 1997.The Loving Together: Sexual Desire Program consists of 12 weeks of exercises that are designed to help you ignite the sexual passion in your relationship. Exercises have been included each week that will enhance the level of communication and positive feeling toward your partner. These are necessary prerequisites for a healthy relationship. John Gottman's research from the University of Washington in Seattle indicates that couples who stay married have four positive interactions for every one negative one. As the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones increases, the greater the likelihood the marriage will succeed.

INTRODUCTION

Lack of desire is arguably the most common sexual problem couples face today and the causes are varied and complex. Illness, medications, or the presence of another sexual problem such as painful intercourse, rapid ejaculation, erection difficulties, or orgasm difficulties can create the secondary problem of loss of sexual desire.

Sexual trauma such as rape or childhood sexual abuse often leads to depressed sexual interest as well.

It is quite common for loss of sexual desire to accompany problems in communication that exist outside the bedroom. Unexpressed anger or expressed but unresolved conflict inevitably dampen sexual enthusiasm. Or if the priorities of your life center around work and children while courtship and time together take a back seat, the sexual flame is destined to fizzle. If you find that your sexual interest in others increases as your sexual interest in your partner diminishes, one of the causes just listed is the likely culprit.

The Loving Together: Sexual Desire Program consists of 12 weeks of exercises that are designed to help you ignite the sexual passion in your relationship. Exercises have been included each week that will enhance the level of communication and positive feeling toward your partner. These are necessary prerequisites for a healthy relationship. John Gottman’s research from the University of Washington in Seattle indicates that couples who stay married have four positive interactions for every one negative one. As the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones increases, the greater the likelihood the marriage will succeed.

Communication exercises will help you to talk together in a way that enables you both to feel heard, understood, and respected. There are also exercises that deal with increasing your awareness of pleasure in general—something, that given our Puritan culture, many of us are not very skilled at. And there are pencil and paper activities designed to enable you to think about your sexuality and to assess some of your unique needs which can then be communicated to your partner. Finally, specific sexual exercises will help nurture sexual feelings as exercises centering on fantasy and erotica directly stimulate sexual desire.

For the best results, you will need to devote approximately three to four 20- to 30-minute blocks of time each week in order to complete the homework. While the program ideally fits into a three-month period, some couples or individuals who are too busy to carry out all of the assignments each week will require extra time. It is important that you follow the exercises in order and complete each one successfully before going on to the next set of assignments even if a few extra weeks are required to finish the program.

Lack of desire is often about avoidance, and overcoming the tendency to avoid the homework during the beginning weeks is the first challenge you will face. However, spending significantly less than the three to four exercise sessions a week may not enable you to generate the momentum necessary to complete the program successfully. Positive experiences are built on positive experiences, but even unsuccessful attempts at the homework assignments offer important lessons in terms of what does not work and the ways in which you may need to fashion your sexual relationship differently. Tailor the homework assignments to fit your needs. Break assignments down into smaller, easier to handle components. But find a way to continue to move forward in the program.

If there is anything I have learned from 23 years of doing sex therapy and marital counseling, it is that there is no one right way to have a successful intimate and sexual relationship. Each couple must devise for themselves the kind of lovemaking patterns that are the most satisfying for them. The fundamental purpose of following the exercises in this program is to enable you to do precisely that.

For further information, please read For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy. I wrote this book for women who are experiencing a lack of desire, but it is equally applicable to men and Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love that I wrote with David Geisinger, Ph.D. to address the relationship issues that affect sexual desire. These books contain many helpful hints for overcoming the variety of difficulties you may run into.

Sex is fun. Have a good time with the process. If an exercise doesn’t work for you, change it accordingly. Again, I urge you not to skip any of the exercises. They have all been included for a reason. Each one adds so...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table Of Contents
• INTRODUCTION
• ACKNOWLEDGMENTS