The Principles of Pleasure

Working with the Good Stuff as Sex Therapists and Educators

Laura Rademacher, Lindsey Hoskins

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781317505303
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Human Sexuality in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

There are tremendous benefits to discussing the subject of sexual and emotional pleasure with clients, and this book addresses the challenges and misconceptions of doing just that. Laura Rademacher and Lindsey Hoskins teach the skills necessary for mental health professionals and sex educators to build competence in this work with their clients. Readers get techniques to implement in therapeutic, clinical, and educational settings, and learn how to examine pleasure in ways that are currently lacking from academic work on sexual health. This book covers skills for working with populations of all orientations and gender expressions. Language and phrasing for addressing pleasure issues in a wide variety of educational or therapeutic settings is also provided. Information about sexual lubrication and sex toys that is rarely taught in professional training programs is included, as well as how to appropriately incorporate information about these important sexual tools into your work. Issues such as abstinence, sexual orientation, couple therapy, and sexual education will be discussed outside of the standard medical model of sex therapy. The Principles of Pleasure will help you feel relaxed and confident while moving clients and students closer to their pleasure goals, and provides the evidence to back up the importance of talking and teaching about pleasure, should you need to justify this work.

Part 1

The Principles of Pleasure

Chapter 1

The Importance of Pleasure in the Work of Sex Therapists and Educators

Pleasure: The Unspoken Goal

Sexual health professionals work with people whose end goals almost certainly involve pleasure, but we don’t often frame it that way. The people we work with care about pleasure, even when they are dealing with other struggles. Of course, a person experiencing genital pain during sex wants the pain to stop. But beyond that, they are probably striving for pleasurable sexual experiences. A student who asks questions about condoms might want to know how to prevent STI transmission, but ultimately they aren’t looking for information on how to have frustrating, uncomfortable safer sexual experiences. They want to know how to have pleasurable safer sexual experiences with their partner(s). Couples may want to increase their sexual frequency, but they probably aren’t trying to have lots more boring, yawn-worthy sex. They want more pleasure together. So often, sexual health professionals aim for the goal of pleasure without naming it directly; so the objective becomes cessation of pain, lower rate of STI transmission, or increasing intimacy. The general assumption seems to be that pleasure should be self-explanatory or will “just happen naturally.” However, in many people’s lives it doesn’t happen easily. Like many important experiences in life, pleasure often takes some time to figure out.

The sexual health field has painstakingly edited manuals detailing sexual dysfunction or STI symptoms. Pleasure, however, is often left a nebulous concept. Important opportunities are missed when we do not study, discuss, and define pleasure. It is just as important to have a clear idea of the outcome we would like to achieve as the issues that are hindering our progress. More concerning, when sexual health professionals frame the majority of conversations about sexuality as avoiding pain and illness, the people we work with get the unspoken message that the goal of sexual expression is not pleasure, fulfillment, and fun but rather avoiding missteps and keeping safe from this activity that apparently holds much danger.

Pleasure is an incredibly important reason to be sexual. If people aren’t having sex for pleasure (for physical, emotional, mental or relational pleasure), then why are they having it? Maybe to make someone else happy, to keep a relationship, because it is scary or dangerous to say no, because they need to trade sex for other things (a place to stay, money, or food). There are a wide variety of reasons people choose to be sexual: No one should be shamed for the decisions they make to have consensual sex, whatever the reason or circumstance. People can decide to have sex for transactional reasons rather than pleasure reasons and be happy with that decision. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help people have more pleasure in a wider variety of circumstances? At the very least, professionals must work to associate sex with pleasure so people are not putting up with unpleasant or painful sex because they think this is “just the way it is.”

Pleasure is teachable. Pleasure skills can be learned and positive sexual experiences can be increased. Pleasure deserves a central position when professionals talk about sex.

Fear and Silence Around Pleasure

There are very legitimate reasons why sexual health professionals might sometimes be afraid to talk about pleasure. Pleasure is controversial. Educators may fear that they will lose their job or their program will lose funding, even if the information they are including is medically accurate. Medical professionals may be concerned they will be accused of sexual harassment if they ask patients about pleasure, despite the fact that capacity for pleasure is a key component of health and changes in sexual functioning can be a warning sign for other medical issues (Basson & Schultz, 2007). Couples therapists sometimes feel it is “not their business” to ask how sex is going and that their clients may be offended if they do. Those working with young people may especially fear getting into trouble. Meanwhile, clients, patients, and students experience the silence around these issues and feel that perhaps sexual pleasure concerns are inappropriate subjects to bring to their professionals.

Many professionals feel unqualified to address pleasure issues because they haven’t had specific training to do so. The lack of professional information and trainings around pleasure is a serious problem in various fields. Sometimes it may feel embarrassing or unprofessional to talk about pleasure. For people who have never heard pleasure concerns addressed in a professional way, it can be hard to imagine talking about these issues without blushing, giggling, or referencing one’s own personal experiences.

However, the silence around pleasure that results from this lack of training disadvantages the people we work with. Pleasure needs to be talked about. Learning about pleasure helps the people we work with to improve their lives; increase physical, mental, emotional, and relational health; increase happiness and connection; fight oppression and discrimination; better understand their bodies; heal from traumatic experiences; and deepen their understanding of what sexual consent looks like. Knowing how to work professionally with pleasure will mean you are better able help your clients, patients, and students. Avoiding directly working with pleasure reinforces a silence that makes the topic feel taboo and leaves people unsure of where to turn for information. After all, if you can’t talk to your therapist, sex educator, or medical professional about it, who can you talk to?

While this book focuses on the work of sex educators and sex therapists, it also pertains to helping professionals in many different fields: counselors, medical professionals, couple’s therapists, family therapists, pelvic-floor physical therapists, and more. While our work might differ in some ways, it is united in that our clients, students, and patients all have questions and concerns about pleasure.

Working Professionally With Pleasure: What Is Pleasure Education?

What exactly does “pleasure education” mean? There are infinite possibilities for how pleasure education might look. You don’t have to consider yourself an educator to convey information to the people you work with. Pleasure education does not necessarily mean a whole class or workshop devoted to pleasure (although those are very important classes), but can and should be worked into just about any sexual health topic you can think of. Pleasure education belongs in a wide variety of settings and should be the work of a wide variety of professionals. Of course, what is appropriate will vary based on the situation, your audience, the topic, and what role you are in; but there is always an appropriate and factual way to educate about pleasure. Here are some of the situations in which Lindsey and I have taught about pleasure as well as why we view them as pleasure education.

At Community Centers

• In Sex-Positive Parenting classes, parents want to learn how to talk with their kids about sex in a way that makes them feel happy, healthy, good in their bodies, and help them understand good boundaries. These are all pleasure education issues.

In Mental Health Settings

• Pleasure education includes talking to adults in sober houses and substance abuse treatment centers about how to have great sex while sober. By receiving pleasure education people are less likely to think they need to choose between sobriety and having a great sex life.
• Therapy groups for adults who are healing from sexual abuse or assault can easily incorporate pleasure education. This might include teaching that physical arousal is not the same as consent and suggesting that finding pleasure in your body can be a path to healing.
• Training on “healthy sexuality” for professionals who work with sex offenders is pleasure education. Connecting the dots between pleasure and consent means they can help their clients find ways to have pleasure in life without violating the boundaries of others.

With Adults

• Pleasure education frequently occurs through sex toy stores, which often teach adults about a wide variety of topics. Many sex toy stores have been on the forefront of the movement to normalize and value pleasure. Every class I have taught at a sex toy store has also included information about sexual anatomy, function, relationship dynamics, consent issues, and diversity of sexual expression. Pleasure education incorporates all of these topics.
• Classes about BDSM or kink issues that teach about boundaries, consent, checking in with partners, sexual negotiation, and sensation play are all elements of pleasure education.
• Teaching Sex Toys 101 to college students is pleasure education. Helping young adults normalize pleasure will empower them to advocate for pleasurable experiences in relationships and seek out help if they find sex to be painful or unwanted.

With Young People in Schools or Clinics

• Classes for people choosing abstinence are a great place for pleasure education. Pleasure can be included by helping people discover ways to feel good and satisfy emotional and physical needs for intimacy while sticking with their plan to be abstinent.
• When STI prevention classes in high schools include ways to confidently use safer-sex materials, discuss safer sex with a partner, and help students figure out which sexual activities are fun and also safe, they are providing pleasure education. By covering these important pleasure topics they are increasing the chances that young people will have safer sex.
• Within birth control education classes for teens, pleasure education might include finding the birth control method that works best with the ways they are most likely to be sexual. If they tend to be spontaneous but pick a method that requires planning, chances are it won’t be a good fit for them or be very effective. This is also an example of how valuing pleasure can result in better health outcomes.
• Peer education training for LGBTQ teens might include pleasure education by teaching about safer sex while centering sexual practices that are relevant to the group rather than covering heterocentric behaviors only. This promotes confidence in advocating for safety while seeking out pleasurable activities.

With All Kinds of People in All Kinds of Situations

• An STI prevention class for blind adults could include pleasure education by passing out dildos and lube so participants get experience with using lubricant and how to properly put on a condom. Pleasure education values sex toys and lube as helpful teaching tools where appropriate, and encourages a positive, empowered attitude toward condoms.
• Pleasure education includes classes for people who are pregnant, postpartum, peri- or postmenopausal, or are experiencing changes in erections, because people value pleasure throughout the many body changes they may go through in life.
• Pleasure education might take place at a private, in-home class about enjoying sex after ovarian cancer. Valuing pleasure as a way to heal from the trauma of illness and teaching people how to have pleasure with themselves and others in various stages of wellness, health, and recovery is pleasure education.

After reading these lists, maybe you are thinking about the ways you already provide pleasure education, or the ways you could. Even if you don’t consider yourself an educator, there are helpful ways to incorporate pleasure education in your work. Medical professionals often explain how bodies work. Describing sexual norms of bodies to patients can absolutely be pleasure education if it helps patients understand themselves, their partner(s), and better enjoy their body’s capabilities. Mental health professionals frequently find themselves doing psycho-education with clients around issues like anxiety and depression. Providing psycho-education about pleasure issues can increase their clients’ happiness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction.

Beyond Education: Pleasure as a Lens for Your Work

I have come to see pleasure not just as a topic, but as the lens through which I view all of my work as a therapist and educator. I see the ability to create pleasure as a form of empowerment and a possible way to connect with self and others. Better understanding and increasing ability to create pleasure is an incredibly helpful experience for the people I work with. This is not to say that my ultimate goal is to increase pleasure with every client or student, or that I value pleasure over other possible goals. I am not the pleasure pusher. It is always up to my clients or students to decide what pleasure means to them and how important of a goal it is currently in their lives. Many times it is not their primary goal—but even then, pleasure may still play an important supporting role.

Being clear about your willingness to work with pleasure up front can be a great way to incorporate pleasure into your professional work. I advertise myself as a “sex-positive sex therapist and educator,” and when people choose to come see me it is often because they feel reassured that I will be able to address their concerns about sex and pleasure. Pleasure positivity and sex positivity are schools of thought that deepen each other. I ascribe to Dr. Charlie Glickman’s definition: “Sex-positivity is the view that the only relevant measure of a sexual act, practice, or experience is the consent, pleasure, and well-being of the people engaged in it or the people affected by it” (Glickman, n.d.). Adopting this stance means that I strive for my work to be as non-stigmatizing, non-judgmental, and as celebratory as possible. It also means I want my work to prioritize and legitimize pleasure, again, not as the one and only measure of well-being, but as an important way for people to gain positive feelings in their own bodies and with others.

So what does this actually look like? I bring up the topic of pleasure with students and clients: I don’t shy away from asking about it; I feel confident having conversations about it; and I find ways to help the people I work with feel more comfortable talking to me about it. I ask about their beliefs about pleasure and how they feel about pleasure in general. I want to know what pleasure would look like for them and their partner(s) rather than tell them what I think it should be. I validate questions about pleasure as important. I tell them I see pleasure as fulfilling and meaningful goal rather than selfish or trite. I encourage the people I work with to develop their own value systems around sex and pleasure and use these to stand firm in their own pleasure goals. If they can articulate why they believe pleasure is valuable and worthy, then they will be better able to stand firm in the face of a sex-negative world that says they should be ashamed and fearful if they value pleasure in their lives. I strive to give the information that will be most helpful to them in trying to meet their goals. I don’t see pleasure as a separate, secret, or superlative aspect of life, but rather as intertwined with many other aspects. I ask what they think an appropriate balance of pleasure in their lives would look like.

But that is just me: You get to decide the place that pleasure holds in your professional life. No matter what role pleasure plays, this book will address skills to help you tackle the subject factually and appropriately. If you are a professional in a situation where you need to justify the importance of working with pleasure—whether ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Preface
• Part I The Principles of Pleasure
• Part II Skills for Professional Practice
• Epilogue: Creating a Pleasure-Positive Culture in Your Office, Your Classroom, and the World
• Index