Gregory Bateson (1979) said that the point of the probe is always in the heart of the explorer; that is, every voyage of discovery leads back to the self. As I understand it, this is the theme of this book, namely, how the therapistâs own life experience inhabits and defines his or her theoretical and clinical understandings.
In the process of thinking about this issue, an iconic memory popped into my mind. Iconic memories are those highly stylized and persistent accounts we have of our lives, memories that loom like monoliths through the mists of the past. Their tangibility is deceptive, however, inasmuch as they seem very clear to us until they are stressed, and then they fracture and deconstruct in very odd ways.
My iconic memory, par excellence, is of being in a synagogue with my father. I was, I suppose, about 8 years old. My father was not a religious man. He was, rather, a sort of diffident Marxist, unlike several of my uncles who were really rabid and unregenerate Stalinists. We were in synagogue because my motherâwho did not entirely believe in God, but was afraid of Himâthought that my father should do his paternal duty and take me there. It was an Orthodox synagogue with the women upstairs, the entire service in Hebrew, and notably lacking any of the choral effects, organ music, or other chic, âreformed,â goyish elaborations that would have sent my grandfather spinning in his grave.
At any rate, there came a point in the service when the doors of the Ark, which contains the sacred scrolls, were opened, and the members of the congregation covered their bowed heads with their prayer shawls, and looked fixedly at the floor. âDonât look,â said my father. âWhy not?â I asked (already a troublemaker). âBecause youâll die on the spot,â he said. Thatâs like telling a kid not to touch wet paint. So, I glued my eyes to the floor, dreading their inexorable upward drift. I would look! I would see! And that would be the end of little Edgar.
I did, however, sneak a sidelong look at my father, and to my absolute horror, he was staring straight ahead, totally unperturbed! I canâto this dayâstill see with total clarity the tiny red capillaries in his eyes. Now, thatâs where the iconic memory ends. I donât know whether I then looked, or if I expected him to drop dead, or if I decided that he must be immune to Godâs vengeance. I donât know why he constrained me in such a draconian fashion (a variant of the Old Testament story of the Hebrew who rushed forward to steady the unbalanced Ark and was killed on the spot for his troubles). Was he exasperated with my endless whys? Was he kidding? In his Freudian Unconscious (not a concept either of us was cognizant of at that time) did he hope Iâd drop dead? Did I hope heâd drop dead? The more I think about the incident, the less clear it becomes. As I said, this heavy over-determination is a cardinal characteristic of iconic memories.
So I became a skeptic. Or, maybe I became a disenchanted kid, and later a skeptic. The ancient Greek skeptics were defined by their belief that the truth of all knowledge must always be in question, and that true inquiry was a process of doubting. There is no absolute truth, and inquiry into the premises of belief is more fruitful than belief itself. This is, I think, not the same as Jewish skepticism, wherein truth is not given by authority, but must be arrived at individually.2 I suspect, but I am not sure, that the classic skepticism is more austere. Truth remains always elusive and in question.
Somewhat later, I found myself sympathetic to the anthropologist Kluckhohnâs (Kluckhohn and Murray, 1953) claim that every culture is defined by pervasive and profoundly unexamined premises about the nature of time, space, and reality. This led me quite naturally to the cultural relativism current in the 1940s and 1950s, when anthropologists Benedict, Mead, Whorf, Lee, and Sapir were questioning the ethnocentricity of Western man and his view of âprimitiveâ cultures.
Ethnology seemed to me to be a very attractive career, but Iâd already gone through medical school, the usual route for bright, but uninspired, Jewish boys in a world that did not, in 1943, permit very many other options. I might add that my father was a physician, which certainly influenced my choice. I really did not have much ambition beyond getting into a medical school, which seemed nigh on impossible, and, when to my surprise, I found myself to be a newly minted M.D., I didnât quite know what to do with it. I was too prone to panic to make a good surgeon and internal medicine seemed like a depressing and overly intellectualized business.
After my internship, a residency in neurology became available, so I took it. I then spent 2 years (1948â1950) in the Army Medical Corps, mostly in Berlin. The army, in its inimitable fashion, had no category for neurologists, so I was designated a neuropsychiatrist, and a neuro psychiatrist I became. On my return to the States, I entered psychoanalytic training, quite possibly my first entirely proactive career move, a decision that seemed to me then, and seems to me now, an enterprising and creative way to do what I wished without admitting that after all those years of unremitting and agonistic striving, medicine was not what I really wanted to do. Nor was I about to go live in a straw hut and eat witchetty grubs (for all I know, Margaret Mead lived on tinned foie gras, but thatâs not what Iâd been led to believe). Ohâand also I needed a personal analysis rather badly, although I didnât quite admit that to myself. Undergoing a âtraining analysisâ seemed like a face-saving way to get therapy, since psychoanalytic treatment, in those presumably less enlightened days, was not considered an entirely acceptable undertaking. Being an analyst was somewhat like being a syphilologistâtreating the disease was OK, having it was not.
I applied to the William Alanson White Institute because of its strongly cultural orientation, particularly manifest in Erich Frommâs teaching. I was not as aware of Harry Stack Sullivanâs teachings, nor of Clara Thompsonâs. The White Instituteâs position was a heady amalgam of the views of these three innovatorsâFrommâs social (Marxist) psychology; Thompsonâs Ferenczi-derived, democratized psychoanalysis; and Sullivanâs interpersonal psychiatry (note, not psychoanalysis), which was heavily influenced by Adolf Meyerâs institutional psychiatry. Moreover, White was decidedly different from the New York Psychoanalytic Institute. Candidates were considered colleagues, dissension and challenge were appreciated, and psychologists were accepted for training.3 I must confess that, although apprised of it, I had no real interest in the intense political struggle taking place between White and the American Psychoanalytic Association.4
I wish I could claim that becoming an analyst was the culmination of a sequence of focused experiences, but I think I fell into it, through a congeries of converging needs, and corrections of errors made in my life choices. Is it chance or destiny? Actually, I suspect it is how many people arrive at their destinations. This echoes the theme of my first book, The Fallacy of Understanding, that therapy consists of just such a series of falling into enactments with the patient (transformations) and then creative extrications (Levenson, 1972). That is, therapy consists of a backward reaching process: getting into messes, recognizing and delineating them, and then working oneâs way through and outânot so dissimilar to how one arrives at oneâs life. Regardless of metapsychological differences, all analysts meticulously monitor their deviation from the standardized technique, their lapses from ideal participation, be it neutrality or authentic interaction. Therapy is a series of lapses and corrections. Isnât that what countertranference is all about? I do not believe that a therapist stays ahead of the patient, leading him or her to the promised land. Sullivan would certainly agree; wasnât it what he had in mind when he said, âGod keep me from a clever psychoanalyst.â
It would appear, again in retrospect, that it was not incidental that I gave so much space in The Ambiguity of Change to Freudâs dream the night before his fatherâs funeral (Levenson, 1983). According to KrĂźll (1979), it was quite possibly the key to Freudâs critical abandoning of his seduction theory. In the dream he reads on a board the following message: âIt is requested to close the eyes.â As I pointed out, it is intriguing that the priestesses of the Eleusian mysteries were called mystes and were bound to secrecy. âMysteryâ is from the Greek myeinâto close the eyes! It was nothing short of a blessing for me to discover a community of psycho analysts who thought, pace little Edgar, that opening oneâs eyes was desirable, and moreover, that raising oneâs eyesâsubjecting authority to a good, hard lookâwas not a likely invitation to instant death.
Were I to be in a Freudian instituteâassuming Iâd survivedâI would still remain a skeptic. One can no more change oneâs characterological style than a leopard can change its spots. Even the White Institute has its share of constitutional conservatives, crypto-Freudians. But I suppose that had I been in the New York Psychoanalytic in the fifties, they would have wished Iâd looked up at the wrong time in the service.
It is consistent with my avowed skepticism to be skeptical of the usual explanations of how one becomes anything. So I have elided life experiences that helped shape my path: teachers, books, experiential epiphanies. I like to think that I have become what I always was. My historical tradition is a variety of Jewish freethinking, with an outsiderâs sense of irony and play, a lack of conviction about authority, and a traditional entitlement to question what I am told. The post-World War II explosion of interest in cultural perspectivism, the foment of intellectual activity that takes place occasionally in the world (Renaissance Italy, Berlin in the twenties, Paris in the thirties, and New York in the post-World War II diaspora) was current when I returned from the army after a 2-year breather, an involuntary yet very welcome interlude in a lifetime of dogged study. It was, as I have indicated, an easy step into psychoanalysis, which was then an honored and, believe it or not, relatively well-remunerated profession. Philip Lehrman, who was an early Freudian and a close friend of my father, told me that in the early days of psychoanalysis, he paid patients 25 cents a session to come to be analyzed. No such sacrifices were required of me. I was paid 15 dollars a session, which was ample recompense in those halcyon days.
Sometimes, though, in the hour of the wolf, I wonder if indeed I became what I was or whether I became what I am. Is adult personality an evocation of a unique core self, or are there, as Sullivan suspected, many selves, many outcomes? Would I have become the same person had I done something else? Is there, in a parallel universe, another me, the successful cosmetic surgeon or scriptwriter, driving a Mercedes and wearing gold chains? It is certainly more comforting to stick to my original conceitâthat there is a core personality, which is, one hopes, approximated, however inchoately, over timeâeven if I sound a bit like the parrot in Woody Allenâs movie who sings, âIâve Got to Be Me.â