The Art of Jewish Pastoral Counseling

A Guide for All Faiths

Michelle Friedman, Rachel Yehuda

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781315535319
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy Counselling
• Index: Psychology

The Art of Jewish Pastoral Counseling provides a clear, practical guide to working with congregants in a range of settings and illustrates the skills and core principles needed for effective pastoral counseling. The material is drawn from Jewish life and rabbinic pastoral counseling, but the fundamental principles in these pages apply to all faith traditions and to a wide variety of counselling relationships.

Drawing on relational psychodynamic ideas but writing in a very accessible style, Friedman and Yehuda cover when, how and why counseling may be sought, how to set up sessions, conduct the work in those sessions and deal with difficult situations, maintain confidentiality, conduct groupwork and approach traumatic and emotive subjects. They guide the reader through the foundational principles and topics of pastoral counseling and illustrate the journey with accessible and lively vignettes. By using real life examples accompanied by guided questions, the authors help readers to learn practical techniques as well as gain greater self-awareness of their own strengths and vulnerabilities.

With a host of examples from pastoral and clinical experience, this book will be invaluable to anyone offering counselling to both the Jewish community and those of other faiths. The Art of Jewish Pastoral Counseling will appeal to psychoanalysts, particularly those working with Jewish clients, counselors, psychotherapists, psychoanalysts and rabbis offering pastoral counseling, as well as clergy of other faiths such as ministers, priests, imams and lay chaplains.

Chapter 1

Turning to clergy for help

Why talk to the rabbi?

Congregants turn to clergy for many reasons. For some, the rabbi represents a moral compass in a time of confusion. The rabbi may be a familiar community leader or a trusted parent figure. For others, the rabbi represents the accrued wisdom of Jewish tradition, a person able to discuss problems from a vantage point of shared values and spiritual outlook. Even when the concern is not a matter of Jewish law, the rabbi may be a source of comfort based on prior relationship. Consider a middle-aged woman facing a marital crisis. A rabbi may have guided her through her bat mitzvah, marriage, and the death of her parents. The woman may now belong to a synagogue with a rabbi who counsels free of charge and welcomes congregants with personal issues in a manner that makes her feel good about seeking religious advice. Turning to her rabbi during a time of distress feels like a natural extension of an established, caring relationship.

Even people who do not have a current religious affiliation frequently consult clergy in anticipation of landmark events such as birth, marriage, and death. Reaching out to clergy may occur during celebratory occasions or when tragedy strikes. For example:

•A young man and woman from different religious backgrounds contact their college rabbi to discuss their upcoming wedding.

•A couple seek out a rabbi when they are expecting their first child in order to plan how they might celebrate this joyous event in some traditional manner, such as a circumcision or baby naming.

•A single parent consults a Jewish educational director on how to plan a bar or bat mitzvah for a child.

• A terminally ill man estranged from Judaism connects with the hospital chaplain and is comforted in knowing that arrangements will be made for him to receive a traditional burial.

People also connect to clergy for instruction on how to navigate their everyday lives without the explicit expectation of pastoral counseling. Their needs can often be met through explanation of religious practice or other time-limited interventions. In addition to influencing congregants’ feelings toward Jewish life, rabbinic sensitivity in these moments also contributes to congregants’ overall wellbeing.

Sometimes clergy initiate contact.

•Sensing that a worshipper looks unusually preoccupied at morning prayers, the rabbi says, “You look caught up in thought today – would you like to talk for a moment?”

•An adult education teacher makes a mental note to check in with a married couple that bickered unpleasantly during a class.

•A Hillel rabbi sends a friendly email to a college student who has not shown up to services for a while.

Proficiency in pastoral counseling involves being attuned to nuances like those in the above examples. When life’s circumstances cause stress or difficulty, pastoral counseling offers a religious context in which spiritual healing can take place. Pastoral counseling sets up a unique sanctuary based on listening, an activity that has become rare in contemporary culture. People regularly reach for their smartphones during dinners, and their attention flickers between email, text messages, and Facebook. In a world where few people sit still and pay full attention to the experience of others, a listening and supportive presence can make a great difference.

The art of listening

In mental health training, much time is devoted to developing the skill of active, compassionate, non-judgmental listening. How well a clinician listens effects all components of the relationship with the patient – the thoroughness of history obtained, the accuracy of hypotheses generated, and the effectiveness of therapeutic interventions offered. Active listening comes about when the mental health professional brings full attention to the session. As the patient speaks, the therapist not only listens to the words spoken, but also notes the person’s mood, expressions, and body language. This enables the therapist to actively generate ideas that will help the patient process material in a different way.

Compassion is communicated through caring presence. The mental health provider’s first task is to create a therapeutic alliance. Such an alliance is formed on a foundation of mutual respect. The therapist refrains from critique or judgment of the patient’s beliefs or practices. The therapist is committed to listening to whatever comes up and to working with that material in order to help the patient lead a less conflicted, happier life. Training programs are designed to hone therapists’ listening skills by teaching them to reflect on their sessions with patients. Parsing clinical moments teaches mental health professionals to pay attention to what patients say, as well as to how they say it. This method also highlights key interactions between therapists and patients.

In traditional clergy education, there is a stronger focus on talking and giving advice than on listening. Rabbis are trained to perform rituals, deliver sermons, and lead classes. Rabbis are not accustomed to stop talking and listen. It is difficult to convince rabbis that “just” listening actually helps people who have heartbreaking life stories or are facing unfixable situations. Clergy often feel compelled to do or say something in these circumstances. Moreover, clergy may become increasingly anxious if they do not make an active intervention. However, sitting quietly and paying full attention to a suffering person is doing something powerful (Nouwen 1979). Because there is a natural tendency to avoid hearing painful experiences, active listening is a skill that must be taught. In the absence of training, listening to a painful experience may generate anxiety sufficient to interfere with appropriate pastoral intervention. Anxiety may cause the rabbi to act prematurely or ineffectively, thus unintentionally sabotaging the interview. Three common barriers prevent the rabbi from listening and acting effectively:

•Not being able to listen to negative material because it hits too close to home.

•Being distracted by the intellectual aspects of an inquiry regarding Jewish law or custom and missing latent emotional material.

•Worrying that a congregant’s situation may result in a violation of Jewish law or unethical behavior.

Three examples are presented to illustrate how pastoral efforts can succeed or fail depending on how well clergy understand active listening. Throughout this book, questions are provided at the end of each example to help you practice your pastoral counseling skills and think about how the questions influenced your reactions before you read our discussion.

Example 1. An unexpected reaction in the context of a routine hospital visit

Rabbi Daniel Marcus pays a hospital visit to Dana Feldman, a congregant in his synagogue, who is recovering from mild burns sustained a few days earlier. She and her two young children escaped from a fire caused by a gas explosion in their home. At the time of the accident, Dana’s husband, Avery, was away on a business trip. After initial greetings, Dana begins to describe how terrified and alone she felt while trying to get her toddler son and small daughter out through the smoke. She starts to cry and says, “Avery should have been here with me. I’ll never forgive him for going on that trip.”

Rabbi Marcus begins to feel anxious. He expected a routine hospital visit to a congregant who is recovering well but is still a little shaken up. His intent was to reach out to her as a gesture of caring and support. In an attempt to comfort Dana, Rabbi Marcus decides to point out how well she did and how lucky she was. He states, “Dana, you must feel so relieved that everything turned out all right. Your courage is amazing. You saved your children.”

Soon afterwards, their conversation dwindles to an uncomfortable halt, and the rabbi leaves.

Rabbi Marcus wonders, “Why did Dana shut down?”

Questions to consider

1.What went wrong in this interview?

2.Did Rabbi Marcus do something that contributed to Dana’s shutting down?

3.What were your own feelings as you read this story?

Discussion

Dana shut down because Rabbi Marcus deflected her emotional response when he gave her the compliment about her bravery. Why did he do this? The rabbi praised Dana because he was not prepared that her emotional response to the fire would be anger towards her husband. Rabbi Marcus has a pleasant relationship with Avery and does not think of him in a negative way. While his intention in making the visit was to be kind, Rabbi Marcus ignored Dana’s statement about Avery not being there and what that meant for her. This made Dana feel alone. Just as Avery had not been there for her, Rabbi Marcus was not there for her, either. The message sent by Rabbi Marcus, albeit inadvertently, was that he did not want to hear her negative emotions or deal with her anger. Dana shut down because she did not feel heard.

The rabbi’s optimal response would be a supportive comment that prompted Dana to share more. He might have said, “That must have been really hard for you,” or “Please, tell me more.” Even if he was not prepared to deal with Dana’s anger towards her husband, he could have recognized her strong feeling. Sitting and listening would have offered pastoral hospitality. While the rabbi’s job is not to probe the marriage at this time, his calm presence would validate her distress. By lauding Dana’s bravery, Rabbi Marcus implicitly critiqued her anger and closed the door on her talking more openly. His pastoral visit would have been more effective if he had sat quietly and given Dana the opportunity to tell her story.

An untrained rabbi is likely to behave in a similar manner. Rabbi Marcus expected a short visit. The facts known to him before the visit suggested that the situation was fortunate, as no one was severely injured. On some level, Rabbi Marcus felt that Dana was overreacting. After all, can she expect Avery to be home all the time? Rabbi Marcus is not home for his wife and children all the time. Does that mean his wife is angry as well? It all felt like too much for him to think about at the bedside. A compliment about Dana’s bravery seemed like the right thing.

When clergy sit with distressed congregants, they may feel that their task is to come up with words or actions that will relieve immediate suffering. Too frequently, a rabbi interrupts a congregant’s acute outpouring of emotion with premature advice, reassurance, and nuggets of religious inspiration. While such responses are motivated by a desire to soothe and say something positive, they often reflect anxiety aroused in the rabbi by the congregant’s narrative. Anxiety creates a sense of helplessness, and this helplessness promotes a rush to action that leads away from negative emotions. While it might seem counterintuitive that the ability to express painful emotions is an important step towards feeling better, this is the lesson. The rabbi does not serve best by providing compliments or moving people away from negative feelings. The rabbi helps by allowing the congregant to release difficult feelings without interruption, no matter how painful and distressing to the listener. Had Rabbi Marcus listened quietly, he would have communicated to Dana that her anger and fear could be safely expressed and managed. Permission to vent feelings opens the way to finding strategies that lead to recovery.

Pastoral training is designed to help identify barriers to listening. In the above example there were two barriers. First, Rabbi Marcus was caught by surprise at Dana’s anger and felt unprepared to respond. Second, he found himself identifying with Avery, whom the rabbi knows and likes. His own feelings prompted him, however inadvertently, to shut down Dana’s complaints. Rabbi Marcus should have dealt with these feelings by identifying his reactions to Dana before rushing to make them go away. His premature intervention was a result of his own discomfort. Awareness of these feelings would allow Rabbi Marcus to be fully present for his congregant and provide an optimal pastoral response.

Pastoral issues that involve questions of religious practice

In the above example, Rabbi Marcus’s visit with Dana did not involve specifically religious material. However, congregants sometimes present pastoral challenges that involve questions of religious practice. When this occurs, rabbis must broaden their attention to include the Jewish dimension as well as the emotional content. Some rabbis may focus on a point of Jewish law or custom to the exclusion of the emotional content. For some, this arises from a perceived commitment to the primacy of Jewish tradition. They can miss the emotional forest for the religious trees if they narrow their sights in lieu of considering the larger context in which a question was asked.

Example 2.A halakhic (legal) question in the context of a traumatic life event

A 24-year-old Jewish soldier, Stuart Lasky, was serving in the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, where his jeep hit a mine. He suffered injuries necessitating an above-the-elbow amputation of his left arm. Several weeks post-surgery, while recuperating in a VA hospital, Stuart asks to see a Jewish chaplain. Rabbi Jack Stein, the Hillel rabbi at the local university, volunteers at the hospital and comes to see the young soldier. After some initial conversation, Stuart poses a question, “Rabbi, it’s been a while since I prayed in the morning. I want to put on tefillin [phylacteries] again. I asked my parents to bring mine from home. I think that I’m supposed to wrap the tefillin around my left arm. How do I go about that ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsment
• Half Title
• Series Information
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of contents
• Case vignettes, figures, and table
• Acknowledgments
• Preface
• Chapter 1 Turning to clergy for help
• Chapter 2 Pastoral counseling and mental health treatment: A comparison
• Chapter 3 Pastoral presence and personal life
• Chapter 4 Setting up the pastoral interview
• Chapter 5 Understanding what you hear
• Chapter 6 Preparing for the unexpected
• Chapter 7 Establishing and maintaining confidentiality
• Chapter 8 Working in groups
• Chapter 9 Integrating components to approach complex situations
• Epilogue: Going forward
• About the authors
• Index