Twin Dilemmas

Changing Relationships Throughout the Life Span

Barbara Klein

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781315530390
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

The development of how twins relate to each other and their single partners is explored through life stories and clinical examples in this telling study of twin interconnections. While the quality of a nurturing family life is crucial, Dr. Klein has found there are often issues with separation anxiety, loneliness, competition with each other, and finding friendships outside of twinship. When twin lives are entwined because of inadequate parenting andestrangement, twin loss is possible and traumatic, creating a crippling fear of expansiveness—an inability to be yourself. Therapists and twins seeking an understanding of twin relationships will find this clinically compelling book a valuable resource.

1 What Childhood Memories of Life Experiences and Narratives Reveal About Adult Twin Relationships

We did not know that being a twin was unique, so how could we talk about our development as individuals or twins as children?

Amy

Everyone we met as children were fascinated by our relationship. We got so many superficial, cutesy questions about what it was like to be a twin. Who is smarter? Who is better looking? Does your mother have a favorite? We were both annoyed. And sometimes just sick to death about all of the questions.

Nancy

When we are together, we feel like we are alone; even though we have each other.

Daniel

The “We” in “We” is Different: The Psychological Uniqueness of Identity and Separation for Twins

Understanding the twin relationship and how this deep attachment grows and changes throughout the lifespan is a lived but an untold story. The outside observer—the onlooker—may see hints of the difficulty twins have being apart and being together as they age. But the rollercoaster ride of twinship can confuse, tire, and alienate single-born individuals, who tend to idealize the closeness twins share (Klein, 2003). Or in some situations, twins feel ashamed that they don’t get along and keep their thoughts and feelings hidden about their anger at one another. Certainly, twins know, whether or not they can talk about their idiosyncratic relationship style, that they have different issues with who they are, and how they interact with others than singletons (Schave and Ciriello, 1983). Explaining how different twinship is from children who are born alone is complicated and a labor-intensive problem. Empathy from outsiders looking in is hard to find because onlookers want to have a twin to complement and mirror them. How can a single person know the complications that they have not experienced? Sharing parents and memories creates unique problems with separation and individuation that need to be described and understood (Klein, 2012). Being a twin in a non-twin world can be frustrating and humiliating for twins who long for the closeness and understanding of their early life (Klein and Martinez, 2016; Lanigan, 2016).

The deep interconnection of psychological identity between twins is real. Unlike single-born infants and toddlers, shared identity is inevitable and normal (Schave, 1982; Tancredy and Fraley, 2006). A twin has an identity as a twin and an identity as an individual. Twins are closer than brothers and sisters because they share an identity based on early life experiences and the reaction of others. Psychoanalytic theorists suggest that twins have issues with intertwined ego boundaries (Burlingham, 1952, 1963; Leonard, 1961; Tabor and Joseph, 1961). Ego boundary confusion is understandable and predictable, although I really think the ego boundary lingo is not accurate for twins because of the primary attachment that they share (Fonagy and Target, 2003). For example, if a pair of twins makes decisions together as young children, is this a sign of abnormal ego boundaries? Even when they are just playing together and sharing? When does sharing become so pathological that egos are merged? When is fighting too much fighting?

“How do I do something new without my twin?” is a difficult issue that is hard to work through as well. Being alone becomes a critical problem as twins grow into adulthood. Unfortunately, it is an easy and often-made mistake for teachers and therapists to glibly say, “This is just an ego boundary problem. If you could just set up realistic rules and follow through on them you would not have problems with your twin.”

I have been told this myself far too many times. From my personal and professional experiences, I know it is easier to corral wild horses than to set up ego boundaries for twins. Certainly, parents, twins themselves, and therapists should attempt to acknowledge and hold on to individual differences with the highest regard for empathy, truth, and integrity. Individuality is a necessary part of healthy twins’ development. Believing that you can actually dictate individuality in twins is short-sighted, futile, and grandiose. And clearly, some identity that is shared between twins is intractable and life-sustaining.

What Is Mine and What Is Yours? The Meaning of Separateness for Twins

I baulked in public at being compared to my twin. Inwardly I cringed at my lack of uniqueness. Hiding out in my closet, rejoicing in my privacy, became a secret joy. I felt the luxury of having a bigger closet, accommodating an office of sorts, my private abode. In my solo retreat, I meticulously arranged papers and pens, belonging to me alone.

I yearned to define what was mine. Without separate rooms or friends, I acted out this desire with my dolls. Paula’s dolls were perfectly unchanged. Mine were altered. My doll world became my individual creation. Chopping off my dolls’ pretty long blonde hair made them uniquely mine, different from us.

Linda

A sense of separateness is such a personal and subjective experience for each and every twin. Most likely, the emotionally intense dramas of the twin relationship are more accurately portrayed in memoirs, biography, and novels (Baker, 1962; Lamb, 1998; Shawn, 2011). Generalizations about twins reduce the depth of feelings that are shared. This said, I believe that understanding the meaning of being alone and learning to be truly separate individuals is the struggle all twins experience throughout their lifetimes (Klein, 2012; Klein and Martinez, 2016). The real-life experiences of twins reveal the joys and serious hardships that are related to the meaning of being alone and separate and still closely aligned—the reality of being a twin. Touching, intense, and telling twin life stories are completely different from the fantasized popular images of twins as idealized or demonized people.

As I know only too well from my experiences, being a twin has a lot of really good or harmonious times of sharing and caring. Special advantages with emotional and physical closeness that non-twins cannot understand and experience are common everyday happenings. There are downsides as well. The mixture of competition, fighting, criticism, and harmony can be overwhelming for twins and their families. Without a doubt the disadvantages of being born married are intense and complicated. Understanding why it is so hard to disentangle “ego boundaries” is crucial for twins, parents, and their psychotherapists.

Briefly stated, the primary attachment that twins share—their twin identity, which is separate from their individual identity, creates a developmental uniqueness (Fonagy and Target, 2003). Confusion about decision-making is a symptom or sign of this developmental idiosyncrasy. Moods and behaviors can change in an instant for twins, depending on who is making the decision or who is in charge. One twin, or the other twin, or the twins as a pair can have a voice in decision making. Also, twin identity within the pair becomes ingrained in their sense of self and affects decision-making. Who is stronger or more skillful capable of making a decision or being in charge? And which twin will need help trying to solve a problem? Each twin sees life differently. They compare their observations and come up with a decision. In other words, confusing or ambivalent ways of perceiving an event are common. A twin can easily go from the reality of a situation to the role they play in their twinship. The following story illustrates my point.

I remember from my own childhood a fight my twin had with our older brother over french fries. At the time of the crisis, we were 6 and Alan was 13. This french fries fight reveals our deep alliance or identification with each other and the complexity of twin decision-making. French fries were a special treat at our home. I knew that I should leave Margie’s french fries portion alone. But Alan stole some fries from her plate when she and I were involved in a conversation. Margie got so upset when she saw that some of her french fries were gone that she picked up the phone and started to call the police. Immediately I asked her to give me the phone. I calmed her down, and she took on my perspective that mother would order more french fries if there were not enough. The police were left out of the potential escalation of this altercation. Was this a fight over essentially nothing? Or did I lend my reasonable ego sensibility to my sister to avoid chaos and stress?

In our childhood relationship my twin was in charge of anger and reacting and I was responsible for the consequences of events. Consequently, Marge got kicked out of Brownies for being wild and I got an ulcer. As children, at any time we could see one another’s point of view and easily change our minds. Getting over our entanglement was very difficult. Decisions were made based on opportunity and consequences, and who was in charge at that moment in time. Suffice to say, as adults we each had literally countless hours of psychoanalytic psychotherapy to learn which problems belonged to me and which ones were my twin’s problems.

I share another example of how confusing decision-making and fighting can be for twins. I worked with a family with 6-year-old boy–girl twins. Sandra, their mother, called me to ask if I could help her with Melissa and Nate, who were continually fighting over how to get along with each other. These feisty twins were driving their mother crazy. During the summer, Nate, who was hooked on a video game, would ignore Melissa when she asked him to play with her. Melissa became so upset about being ignored that she told her mother she wanted to kill herself.

After this threat occurred several times Sandy was of course concerned and so was I. I met with mom and her twins. Nate was more reserved than Melissa. Both children were of their own minds. After many play therapy sessions and psychological evaluations I could see that both children had “What belongs to who” and “Whose problem is it” twin issues. When I asked the children if they could try and be more civilized with each other they said NO. In fact, they agreed that Nate could not give up video games and Melissa just wanted her brother to play with her. They wanted what they wanted. In other words, both refused to compromise. I suggested to the mom that more separation would prevent some of the fighting. When Nate heard that he was going to have to stay away from his sister at night he was inconsolable. He began to cry. Melissa comforted him. Nate said that no matter how much he hated his sister they had to sleep together. Melissa agreed.

I was very surprised. I could tell that both twins were serious. Their fighting and unhappiness was temporary. Sharing a bed was a certainty. I have found this need for closeness with other young twins who cannot stop fighting over toys, food, clothing, and attention from parents, friends, teachers, and relatives. Fighting, for twins, is different than fighting is for non-twins. Wanting to be together for life-sustaining comfort is critical especially in young children, where identity can be confused and still be normal (Klein, 2012). The importance of closeness in childhood is discussed on the following pages.

Twins share a primary attachment that is reflected in their earliest memories of being a twin (Schave and Ciriello, 1983). While the twin attachment cannot and will not effectively replace the nurturing that parenting provides, the twin bond is as developmentally significant and irreplaceable as the parent–child bond. Twin attachment forms or creates a distinct twin identity—a sense that there is always another who will complement and comfort you by their presence. In infancy twins may not know that they are separate individuals. If babies could talk they might say, “My leg is your leg or your leg is my leg.” As twins grow older, emotional confusion about psychological boundaries that is hard to untangle can develop into enmeshment. What belongs to me and what belongs to you can become a serious issue. Whose problem is it anyway? is a theme of twin fighting. Belonging, responsibility, and identification are significant aspects of twin identity development and individuality. What separateness means to twins is very different than what single children experience when they are not with their families.

Patterns of Twinship

The variety of issues that twins deal with are related to the pattern of twinship that develops in infancy and early childhood. In my earlier research I observed six patterns of twinship, which I labeled unit identity, interdependent identity, split identity, idealized identity, competitive identity, and sibling attachment identity. In later research I observed interdependent identity, split identity, and competitive identity.

Clearly, not all twins are alike. Patterns of twinship are based on the quality of parenting which determines the depth of attachment that twins share. In other words, there are different parenting styles that affect the qualities of individuation and differences between the twin pairs (Baumrind, 1995). One style of separation and individuation is not seen in all twinships. How the parents view the twin relationship is crucial (Schave, 1982). Are the twins a burden and ignored? Are the twins tolerated because of the special attention they receive from onlookers? Or are twins seen as a gift and treated as individuals? The more attention each child receives for his or her individuality and the deeper the attachment between parent and child, the more likely twins will be able to separate successfully from one another.

Fortunately and out of necessity for long-term psychological health, each child becomes aware of their relationship with their parents and primary caregivers. At birth, awareness and attachment to the parents or primary caregiver is the basis of their individual sense of self (Stern, 1985). When caregivers have a distinct psychological and physical sense of each twin’s special needs for attention, whether or not they are identical or fraternal twins, unique selfhood is energized. When caregivers see their twins as a unit or halves of a whole, twins turn to each other for the nurturing that parenting should be providing. Disinterested or indifferent parenting promotes an interdependent twin attachment that is very difficult to disentangle. For example, when the co-twin gives comfort because their parents are not available, deeply rooted interdependence is established and entangled with individual identity. Fears of expansiveness are entrenched and shared, making separation very traumatic.

In this observational and clinical research three patterns of twinship were apparent. In order of difficulty separating from one another they are the following:

1 Interdependent-identity twins report that their co-twin is more important than their parent because of limited, negligent, hostile, or indifferent parenting styles. Parents are burdened or disappointed by their children. Twins turn to each other for support and love which intensifies their attachment and makes separation very difficult.

2 Split-identity twins are accepted as twins but not as individuals in their own right. Parents like the attention that twins bring to a family. Individual differences between split-identity twin children are based on how the mother and father perceive their children rather than on real observable distinctions. Split-identity twins are opposites at times and a valued pair at other times. Mixed messages about who they are in relation to one another creates a great deal of ambivalence and shame about their twin. Often split-identity twins see their twin as the bad part of themselves or a horrendous burden. Separation and estrangement is common as they grow in adulthood.

3 Individual-identity twins are seen as distinct from one another based on real observational differences. While parents may feel overworked, they do not feel overwhelmed by their children. Attempts are made to separate these toddlers and young children so that separation is possible in adolescence. Over-reliance and shame are not prominent in this pattern of twinship. However, in spite of parental efforts to develop a strong core sense of self, individual-identity twins do seek out psychotherapy to deal with fitting into the non-twin world.

Early Memories Reveal the Direction of Separation Experiences

Early memories of the twin relationship reveal the pattern of twinship that is the foundation of personality development. Early memories predict the ability of twins to separate from one another as these memories are windows or mirrors to how parents react to raising twins (Klein, 2003; Schave and Cirello, 1983). Understanding the type of attachment shared helps therapist and twins be realistic about how much separation is possible and how much work it will take to overcome estrangement. Clearly, goals for twins in therapy will vary based on their ability to change and adapt in the world without their sister or brother. The world around the lives of twins—the social and financial milieu—affects their development as well. The following examples show twins who have an established attachment in different life circumstances.

When Two Are One: Interdependent-Identity

“Interdependent-identity” twins use one another for companionship, support...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• Foreword: Twins in Therapy
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction: Understanding Twin Interconnections: Harmony, Fighting, and Estrangement
• 1 What Childhood Memories of Life Experiences and Narratives Reveal About Adult Twin Relationships
• 2 Parenting Issues with Twins
• 3 When Do Separation Issues Begin for Twins?
• 4 Why Twin Fighting can Lead to Estrangement
• 5 The Lives of Adult Twins
• 6 Being a Twin in a Non-Twin World
• 7 The Healing Process in Psychotherapy for Twins
• 8 Affirming Relationship Changes for Twins Throughout the Lifespan
• Bibliography
• Index