Counselling session 1: Silences and emerging emotions
Billy sat staring ahead of him. He was feeling numb. Sometimes that was how it was. At other times he felt surging sensations of sadness and grief that tore through him like a highly charged emotional wave, leaving him burning and aching inside. But today, in this moment, he was feeling numb. He was grateful for that.
He sat in his car; the rain was falling, he could see the droplets running down the windscreen. It was dark beyond. He was tight-lipped, his head shaking slightly from side to side. He wasnāt aware of the movement. He did feel himself take a deep breath, and then his breathing returned to its shallow rhythm. He still couldnāt believe it. He took another deep breath, but this time consciously, and moved his shoulders back a little. They had become stiff. He stretched his back and reached for the car keys in the ignition, taking them out and noting the clunk as he did so. Somehow it seemed loud. Perhaps it was the silence. It was quiet. He felt quiet as well. Yes, sometimes that was how he felt. He welcomed those times.
He hesitated. Counselling. Not something heād ever anticipated needing. But he needed to talk. He needed to talk to someone. Friends had been good, but he didnāt want to burden them. His partner had been supportive as well, but sheād made it clear that she felt he needed someone else to talk to. He hadnāt agreed at first, preferring to simply say nothing and just carry on. But somehow that wasnāt working. He felt low; dispirited was the word that often came to mind. It all seemed to him to be an over-reaction, somehow. Yes, he had been close to his father, and yes, it had been sudden ā a heart attack. Well, yes, heād been a smoker and hadnāt maybe had the best of diets, but it had still taken him by surprise. In fact he had taken it worse than his mother, who now seemed to be getting on with her life after a few months of struggling to make sense of what had happened. Sheād been to counselling. It was her who had finally convinced him to try it where his partner had failed.
Heād phoned to make the appointment the previous week. The counsellorās name was Chris. Heād found his name in the yellow pages.
Billy took a deep breath and opened the car door. The rain had eased a little. He got out, closed and locked the car door and made his way through the gate and up to the front door, ringing the bell and taking shelter under the canopy. The door opened after only a few seconds.
āHello, Iām Billy, we spoke on the phone.ā
āYes, yes, we did, please, come in. Itās horrible out there.ā
āThanks.ā Billy came in. The hallway was warm.
āThe counselling room is here, on the left, please come in.ā
Billy went in.
āSo, have a seat, whichever you prefer.ā Billy chose the seat facing him as he came through the door into the counselling room. Chris sat down in the chair opposite him.
āSo, we talked about counselling on the phone and, well, have you any questions?ā
Billy shook his head. He suddenly felt unsure of himself, unclear as to what he was doing there. He felt anxious.
āWell, I want to give you a place here to talk about whatever you feel you want to talk about. And I hope that listening to you, responding to you, will help you.ā
Billy nodded. āHard to know where to start, really. Itās not something Iām used to, you know, talking like this.ā
āNo, it often isnāt. Take your time.ā
Billy sat staring down, wondering quite what to say next. Here he was, 42 years old, no reason to feel like he did, not really, and yet somehow . . . somehow things just didnāt feel right.
āWell, like I said on the phone, things were OK until recently and, I donāt know, itās like everything feels like an effort. Just feels like, well, whatās the point?ā
āMhmm, whatās the point?ā Chris responded simply and directly to what Billy had said, and waited for Billy to continue.
āI mean, I donāt know. I suppose it does sort of relate to Dad dying.ā Billy took a deep breath and pushed the emotions aside. They were often close but he wasnāt going to show them, not now.
āMhmm, your dad dying seems linked to how youāre feeling.ā Again Chris sought to be clear and straight in his response. He wanted Billy to feel heard. He wanted him to find his own way, realise that he could decide what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. Chris recognised that counselling was often an unusual experience for people. Talking and being listened to, really listened to, wasnāt what happened in everyday life. Usually one person talked, and while the other listened often they were simply waiting to say what they wanted to say. But counselling was different. And counselling was not about being friends. Yet it was about forming a person-to-person relationship. Not everyone understood the difference.
In a friendship, while one person may be talking and in need of being listened to, the other person may not want simply to listen. They may have thoughts, feelings, experiences that they also want to share with their friend. Friendship is a mutual relationship. However, the therapeutic relationship requires the therapist to be a disciplined listener, responsive to the client, offering the therapeutic conditions and putting aside personal thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with what emerges within the therapeutic process. Friends can be good listeners, and often that is enough. But there are also times when someone needs somebody outside of their circle of friends to talk to, to take their inner world to, someone who can give them the time and space to be themselves, to explore, to express themselves freely in the knowledge that what emerges and is expressed in the room, stays in the room.
āWe were sort of close, I mean not really close, but, well, we got on well.ā Billy lapsed into silence; a number of memories seemed to come flooding into his mind. His dad had been a great woodworker, built most of his own furniture, and heād learned a lot from him. Theyād built a few things together over the years. He had a lot of his dadās tools now. His mother wasnāt going to have a use for them. Some of them heād brought back to his own shed, the rest were still in his dadās shed. Somehow, though, he didnāt really feel like going over there and using them. Wasnāt the same, somehow.
āGot on well together.ā Chris nodded and smiled. He felt a sense of warm compassion arise within him. Something about the way that Billy had spoken. His voice had gone soft. He added, āSounds like he was important.ā The words simply formed and he felt he wanted to express the impression that he had been left with. In a way he knew that might have sounded a bit obvious, but it felt right somehow given the way Billy had spoken.
āGuess he was, well, yes, I know he was. I mean, he was sort of easy-going, you know? Canāt remember him shouting at us as kids. My sister and I, in a way she was probably closer to him, fathers and daughters. I suppose I was closer to my mum in some ways, and yet, I donāt know, seems to have hit me harder somehow.ā
āMhmm, his death has hit you harder than your sister?ā
Billy nodded. āStrange that, but, yes.ā He took a deep breath. āBut umm, well, now Iāve got to get on, you know?ā
āMhmm, get on with your life, yes?ā
āMumās doing well. She seems to have come to terms with it, I donāt know how. I mean, sheās got good friends, and thatās helped, and she had counselling, saw a bereavement counsellor for a while. That seemed to help her. She was the one that persuaded me to come along.ā
āSo she found counselling helpful and suggested you come?ā
āYes.ā He thought back. Yes, it had been tough for his mum to start with. She had been totally shocked by what had happened. But now, a year on, just over, she was getting herself organised. She spent a lot of time with his sister, they seemed closer now, somehow. He felt sort of, he wasnāt sure, like he didnāt know who he was. That was a bit heavy, bit extreme, he thought to himself, but it was something like that. āSo, well, here I am.ā
āWell, itās a difficult time and Iām glad youāre here, and I really hope that counselling is helpful for you, I really do.ā Chris felt wholly genuine in what he was saying. He felt connected to Billy, listening to what he was saying and the way he as speaking, and he still felt that warmth for him, a man in his middle years suddenly losing his father ā he recalled the phone call with Billy when he had said that it had been the sudden death of his father that seemed to have affected him.
Billy looked up and looked into Chrisās eyes. He only held the eye contact for a short period, feeling he needed to look away. It didnāt feel right to be looking into the eyes of another man, and yet.... Somehow he did feel that Chris was genuine, he couldnāt quite put his finger on why, he just seemed, well, seemed to care somehow.
āNot sure what to say now.ā
āSometimes it can seem like you donāt have anything to say, or know where to begin.ā Chris wondered whether that had been a very helpful response. He hadnāt really empathised with Billy, hadnāt really just let him know what he had heard. Rather heād made an assumption about what Billy might be struggling with. No, he wasnāt sure that it had been helpful.
Chris may be avoiding sitting in a silence with Billy. Heās offering him options to encourage him to speak. This is not a person-centred response. It might be facilitative, but it could be emerging from the counsellorās discomfort and, if he is unaware of this, or unaware of the cause of it, then he is being incongruent and is therefore being therapeutically unhelpful.
Not knowing what to say seemed true enough, although, well, he had lots of things he could say, but he didnāt actually know what to say. What were you supposed to say? āI feel sort of, I donāt know, sort of āāwhatās the point?āā.ā
āWhatās the point?ā Chris let his tone of voice allow his empathic response to have a questioning tone.
āItās like, I mean, he hadnāt been retired that long. Sort of makes you think, you know?ā
āMakes you think.ā
āIt does. I mean, you work all your life and finally get some time for yourself and, well, that happens.ā He shook his head. His thoughts went back to his mother. āSheās doing great, my mother, that is. She seems to be getting on now. Yes, she misses him, we all do. The first Christmas was difficult, and his birthday, and hers as well. We havenāt had a second of anything yet. I donāt know, maybe itās because sheās sort of more religious than I am, says itās her faith that has helped. I canāt really accept that. I mean, I do accept that itās helping her, but I donāt know. I donāt think I ever really believed in anything much, you know? Never really felt I needed to think about it. But I donāt really think ..., well, when you die, thatās it. Thatās how I see it, anyway.ā
Chris nodded. It wasnāt his belief, but he wasnāt there to express his beliefs. āSo it feels as though her faith is helping her, but you canāt, donāt see things the way that she does. For you when you die, thatās it.ā
Billy nodded. āMhmm. Just seems a waste. I donāt know, I mean it helps her, but ...ā. He shook his head. āNot how I see things. I just see someone who worked all his life and finally gets time to relax, and thatās it. Certainly doesnāt make me believe in a God or anything.ā
āNot how you see it, and it doesnāt encourage you to believe in a God.ā
āNo. Just..., I donāt know, maybe if..., no, no, canāt see it. This is it, this is me.ā Billy opened his hands out and looked down at his body. āAnd when Iāve gone, thatās it, you know?ā
āWhen youāve gone ..., thatās it.ā Chris kept with what Billy was saying, seeking to empathise with his words while also matching his tone of voice, which seemed to Chris to be conveying a kind of resignation, as if he was resigned to his fate in some way. That was how it was, and you had to get on with it, and it didnāt make sense, it didnāt seem fair, but...
āMakes you kind of wonder, though ...ā.
āWonder?ā
āWhether itās all worth it, I mean, you know, you sort of plan ahead, work for the future, but, well, whatās the point. I kind of wonder. Is it all worth it?ā
āIs it really all worth it.ā Chris spoke slowly, holding the focus on what Billy had said.
āAnd it is, of course it is.ā Billy was thinking of his children, Sarah and Tara. And yet he knew as well that sometimes he wondered, even when he thought about them. Billy lapsed back into silence. He felt strangely detached once again. Yes, it did give him things to think about and he was tired of thinking about them as well. He felt that familiar numbness creeping up on him. That question still went through his head, āwhat was the point?ā. He had no answer, in fact he wasnāt really trying to find an answer. Sometimes he did, but at other times it was all too much. There was no answer. It didnāt make sense. The only sense to be made of it was that life could be bloody unfair. He felt angry. He took a deep breath, the anger passed, the numbness became more present. Heād never felt like this before his dad had died, well, you didnāt think about death and dying. At least he hadnāt, not like it was going to happen to someone close to you. Not yet. Now, well, now he didnāt know what to think. Truth was he didnāt really want to think. Stay numb, that was the best way. A few whiskies of an evening, that helped. Clare didnāt like it, but she didnāt understand. It wasnāt her dad. Her parents were alive. She didnāt understand. It felt like no one understood, not really, what it was like, what he felt.
He thought about Chris, the thought just appeared in his mind. Would he understand? Could he? He was a counsellor. Thatās what counsellors were good at, werenāt they? But how could he know? It all felt too much, too overwhelming. He was looking down and thought about looking up, to check what Chris was doing, but he didnāt want to, heād rather stay in himself, in his own world. Not that he was thinking of it quite like that. He just kept his head down, his eyes on the carpet, not that he was seeing the patterns, they were there, but in a way he wasnāt. It sort of felt safe to stay in his own head, his own world. It was out there that troubled him. Yes, he was safe in his own head somehow. The numbness had returned. He was thinking, but somehow not thinking. Thoughts, but he didnāt feel like he was thinking them, like they were being projected into his head somehow. They werenāt his, and yet...
Chris sat in the silence, feeling a degree of intensity. The atmosphere felt, well, it wasnāt so much tense in an uncomfortable kind of way. It didnāt feel awkward or strained. It didnāt feel like Billy was trying to find something to say; maybe it had been like that, maybe earlier, but now it felt different. Often, in his experience, you could sense a change during a silence. The sense of awkwardness could pass and often such shifts were indicative that the client was thinking or feeling in a way that was absorbing them. That they were engaging with their own inner world, as it were, being what was present, focusing on what was emerging. The awkwardness was often associated with not knowing what to say, feeling embarrassed, being uncomfortable with silence or being with a stranger, all quite reasonable reactions.
Chris believed that during silences, as a person-centred therapist it was important for him to maintain his therapeutic attitude. Just because the client wasnāt outwardly communicating didnāt mean that he could let his attention wander. It was part of the discipline of being a therapist. And it was a discipline, a self-discipline. Not everyone appreciated this. He was contracting with a client to offer his availability for the therapeutic hour, to provide for that relational therapeutic climate that he knew was facilitative of constructive personality change.
He also believed that somehow his interior attitude made an impact, even during silence. He believed that somehow it made an impact on the client ā was impact too harsh a word, maybe impression was better, softer ā even though there was no visible or verbal form of communication occurring. He felt genuinely accepting of Billyās need to be outwardly silent, and he was grateful for feeling that way. He believed that his warm acceptance of his clients had to be felt, that it wasnāt something you thought about feeling towards your client, it had to present ...