Understanding Childrens Needs When Parents Separate

Emilia Dowling

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781351371582
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

One in four children experiences the separation/divorce of their parents by the time they reach 16 years. When parents separate levels of conflict can be high and significant changes in family relationships continue to take place over time. Whilst in emotional distress themselves, parents often manage to pay attention to the needs of their children and it is this parental support that helps children and young people through this transition. However, when emotions are heightened for the adults, there are occasions when the needs of the children can easily be overlooked. Throughout this time of turmoil and bereavement, it is often the school that provides the children with a secure base. This practical resource will provide schools, parents and professionals working with parents and children with a comprehensive understanding of the needs of children and how it is possible to work with them and their families to face the challenging times in their lives.

Part 1
Conceptual framework and generic theories

Conceptual framework and generic theories

In this chapter we will describe the theories and concepts that underpin our work. We think these ideas will be useful in the educational context for teachers and others to be aware of what may be going on for children when they experience the separation or divorce of their parents.

◼ Systems theory

Systems theory involves an emphasis on the effect of relationships on relationships and focuses on what takes place between people rather than on an individual's inner world.

The basis of a systems approach involves a circular, as opposed to a linear, explanation of human interaction. This is fundamentally different to the long-held linear thinking that is the traditional way of perceiving situations.

The linear model looks for causes to explain effects. Thus the linear model asks whether A causes B, whereas in the systemic model the behaviour of A is seen as affecting and being affected by B and C.

A linear explanation of the 'cause' of a problem places blame from one person to another and it can swiftly encourage judgemental views.

Instead of asking 'why' events occur, the question 'how' is used to uncover sequences of interaction and repetitive patterns. It looks at the cycle of interaction, and the context in which events occur is emphasised.

A systems approach takes the view of placing individual behaviour in the context in which it occurs and thus the behaviour of one part of the system is seen as directly affecting and being affected by the behaviour of others. This applies to the family system, the school system and the wider community.

When schools and families experience an information exchange it has an effect on both and becomes a circular process. They become interlinked in a dynamic two-way relationship and the shared experience determines how they view each other. The parents" view of the school as good or bad depends on the perception of the parents, who in turn are being influenced by the school's attitudes towards them.

Scenario

Jack, aged eight, had become withdrawn, sad and, in his class teacher's words, 'in another world'. She was sufficiently concerned to suggest a referral for help to his mother, who while angry and defensive, nevertheless agreed to this course of action.

Both parents, Sue and Peter, were seen together. They had been divorced for six months arid Jack was living with his mother. She was adamant that Jack did not want to see his father and maintained that the school's concern was 'over the top" and that she felt criticised by all the staff as well as Jack's class teacher. Both parents held the view that they did not want to be involved with the school, primarily because they lived in a small town and preferred to 'keep their business to themselves'.

Peter was enraged at not seeing his son over the last four months and threatened a return to court to address the situation. This led to an escalation of angry responses between the two of them.

Gradually, by tracking the context, sequences and effects of relationships within the family, it emerged that Sue's family lived in another country and she had little contact with them. She had been welcomed into Peter's family and felt very close to them. When Peter left the marriage she felt abandoned by the whole family and withdrew from contact. When Peter had a new girlfriend, Sue was terrified that she would be further displaced and made excuses to avoid Jack's visits to his father. Jack was confused and saddened and did not speak to anyone.

Peter was startled by the news that Sue was deeply sad to lose the support and contact of his family He had assumed that Sue herself would wish to discontinue this. In turn, his family were torn and upset.

Over four sessions, Peter and Sue worked out ways of addressing their individual needs and those of the extended family. Peter helped a resumption of links for Sue and his family and Jack began to see his dad again. Change over time was very important for this family and avoided adversarial court proceedings.

The class teacher noticed gradual brightening for Jack and he confided in her that he was seeing dad for football in the week as well as at weekends.

Things to remember

• ◼ The systems approach takes into account the influence of others on an individual and a system. This is a recursive pattern.
• ◼ The linear approach of cause and effect can lead to labelling and judgemental outcomes.
• ◼ Those experiencing problems may often lack self-esteem, as with Sue in the .scenario.
• ◼ It is valuable to ask oneself, 'How has this come about?', 'What is the context and sequence of events?'
• ◼ School and family influence each other over a significant period of time, which can lead to a pattern that is helpful or unhelpful to both.

A helpful explanation of the systems approach is provided by Emilia Dowling inChapter 1 of The Family and the School (Dowling & Osborne; 2003).

◼ Attachment theory

This theory provides a useful model for understanding the impact of relationships on a child's development. John Bowlby (1988) and his followers have helped us understand that the relationship children develop with their mother, father or caregiver is crucial to their ability to make future relationships. The capacity to 'explore' the world, and therefore to learn, is enhanced by the knowledge that there is a 'secure base' to return to.

From an early age, children need the security and predictability of reliable adults that will meet not only their physical but their emotional needs. This experience will enable them to grow up believing that they are worthy of love and help. Likewise, if they experience those who care for them as unavailable, or lacking in response, they will think of themselves as unlovable and unworthy (Dowling & Gorell Barnes, 2000).

From infancy, children are tuned in and react to their mother's interactions. We know from the research evidence that babies are social beings from birth, their brain reaches out and they want to be heard. The way they experience early interactions will influence the way their brain develops (Zeedyk, www.suzannezeedvk.com)

A secure attachment enables children to trust their caregivers to meet their needs and gradually will enable them to make relationships in the wider context of family and school.

Scenario

Johnny, aged three, had settled well in the nursery arid gradually, every morning, with the help of his teacher, he was branching out to explore different toys and interact with other children. Usually, his father took him and he became a familiar face to the teacher as they exchanged glances or a brief word at the beginning of the day. Johnny would let go of his father's hand and gradually run more freely into the increasingly familiar territory, always welcomed by the teacher or nursery assistant, who made sure that this crucial moment was managed to enable Johnny to separate from his father and engage with an 'attachment figure' at the nursery. By the end of the morning, when Mum came to collect him, he would proudly show her what he'd been doing. However, it all changed after Christmas. At the beginning of the new term, a clinging, tentative Johnny arrived with his grandma. He became tearful as she attempted to leave and avoided eye contact with the new nursery assistant. It took some time, and the sensitive approach of the teacher, to help Johnny begin to reconnect with her, which was possible due to the attachment pattern developed from the beginning of the school year. The teacher was able to make sense of Johnny's behaviour when she learned that the parents had separated.

Gradually, as the term went on, Johnny was encouraged to establish a relationship with the new nursery assistant. The loss of the previous assistant obviously had an impact on Johnny, who had become used to her, particularly at story time. Sensitive and timely conversations between the teacher and both parents enabled the teacher to suggest that maybe on a Friday Dad could come into the nursery to collect Johnny. This was welcomed by father, who was able to manage this, and it allowed him to remain connected in a reliable and predictable way to his son's school context.

Why is attachment theory important in the educational context?

The way children develop is going to have a crucial impact on the way they relate in the wider context of school. Their capacity to learn, to adapt to new situations and to make new relationships wiil be determined by the experiences they have had of being loved, accepted and worthy of help.

We need to understand that often children express their need for affection and proximity in ways that may seem 'naughty' or demanding. However, the more those needs are unmet the more demanding the child will become and eventually their frustration will find expression through physical or psychological symptoms.

Children will learn to cope with separation and loss if they have had the experience of reliable adults coming back, turning up when they say they will and in general showing predictable behaviour. This will have a direct impact in the school context as they cope with new situations and learn to tolerate and manage change.

Things to remember

• ◼ Changes in a child's behaviour may mean things are changing at home.
• ◼ Children may not have the ability or vocabulary to describe their feelings of loss, therefore they may appear distracted, aggressive or switched off.
• ◼ We need to know about attachment in order to understand and be in touch with children's experience. Attachment patterns and behaviour affect all children.
• ◼ Children are strongly attached to both parents and loyal to both.
• ◼ Children of separated parents desperately want to stay connected to both parents and not feel they are betraying one by enjoying being with the other.
• ◼ Whatever the adult view, children often feel they have lost the family as they knew it.
• ◼ Sometimes this has repercussions for lack, of contact with extended family.
• ◼ Change in family circumstances may lead to children having to change school and this has implications for their adjustment to the new school context.
• ◼ Teachers are in a pivotal position to help, particularly with an understanding of the nature of behaviours that can arise from chi...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword
• About the authors
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• Part 1 Conceptual framework and generic theories
• Part 2 The separation and divorce process
• Part 3 The relationship between family and school according to the stages in the family life cycle
• Part 4 Age and stage reactions to separation and divorce
• Part 5 Repartnering
• Part 6 What we have learned from parents, children, teachers, counsellors and others
• Part 7 What schools can do: a whole school approach
• Part 8 Keeping an open mind in practice
• Bibliography