Wise Words: How Susan Isaacs Changed Parenting

Caroline Vollans

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781351600354
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

"Harassed" writes: "Your answers to correspondents are exceedingly clear, and when I read them I say, 'That is just the answer I should think of', though I believe I should have great difficulty when it came actually to putting it into words! However, I cannot answer my own problems, so will you please help me?" (20 August 1930)

This much-needed collection brings together the columns of parenting adviser Ursula Wise, "agony aunt" for The Nursery World between 1929 and 1936, and pseudonym for the eminent educationalist and pioneering psychoanalyst Susan Isaacs.

Wise's replies, informed by theories in education, psychology and psychoanalysis, provide an insight into the development of modern, child-centred attitudes to parenting, with remarkably fresh and relevant advice. The letters are passionate, urgent, occasionally provocative, sometimes funny and always thoughtful. Topics from behaviour and temperament, anxieties and phobias, to play and education are explored and each theme is introduced and contextualised in contemporary parenting approaches.

Bringing pivotal theories from the fields of education, child psychology and psychoanalysis into dialogue, this is an essential read for early years practitioners, teachers, course leaders and those studying in the field of early years education and child psychoanalysis. The continued relevance of Isaacs' advice for modern parenting also makes this an enjoyable and informative read for parents. It is also an excellent resource for those interested in social history and the little known contributions made by women pioneers.

Chapter One
Behaviour and temperament

Introduction

Wise comments that concerns about behaviour and discipline are “as old as parenting itself” – it is perhaps not surprising that the majority of letters are on this theme. A riff that runs throughout the column is Wise’s attempt to draw the distinction between that behaviour that is wilful and behaviour that is part of natural development. Whatever the cause, her responses emphasise the handling of the symptoms rather than the interpretation or analysis of them.

Wise informs her readers that the links between behaviour and child development are inseparable: a child’s behaviour cannot be considered without bearing this in mind. She urges her readers to become more interested and informed about this topic and at times includes recommendations of psychology books. For Wise, what is often manifested as troubling behaviour is usually an expression of normal, healthy growth and only to be expected. Her principal message to her correspondents is that there is generally nothing to be distressed about. Given sensitive and age-appropriate handling, problems should be temporary and pass over time.

Having said that, Wise understands that allowing development to take its course can be a lengthy and demanding business – she advises her readers not to be discouraged. During this time, challenging behaviours need to be responded to and managed. Careful handling, as well as dealing with the situation in hand, has the advantage of enabling the child to begin to regulate their own feelings and states. Wise reassures her correspondents that establishing reasonable and fair limits will not dull the child’s spirit – for Wise, a docile child is not one to aspire to or encourage.

It is important that parents are frank and clear – the child will then feel safe in the knowledge that someone knows what they are doing. Wavering or a lack of certainty will be sensed and only serve to generate further anxiety – parental confidence is key. Wise stresses the caution that the adult must exercise when expecting a child to do what is asked of them – it must be suited to their needs at their stage of development.

Wise is dismissive of any notion of obedience as an end in itself and of the child complying per se. Indeed, she expresses her less than flattering opinions on the sort of personality that might result from this. Obedience is an educative tool of social importance and must be of use to the child later in life. It is not primarily a means of making nursery life simpler.

For Wise, discipline does not imply that one cannot be kindly and affectionate. She is adamant that there is no advantage in it being an unpleasant process: reproaching and scolding a child will only exacerbate the difficulty. Engaging in a friendly manner and encouraging their cooperation is the approach that she advocates.

Wise is stridently opposed to brutality of any kind: frightening or blaming a child will only generate further anxiety. She is zealously opposed to smacking, whatever the situation – it seriously impedes a child’s development. On this theme she is entirely rigid and her tone is unusually harsh and unforgiving towards the parents. Wise has much to say on the topic – there are many letters throughout the correspondence where she asserts and reasserts her position. Though smacking is not such a pressing issue today, due to the way that thinking and the law has progressed, it was quite something at the time to advise so strongly against it and be so immutably opposed to it.

Wise goes on in Chapter 3 to elucidate the effects of physical health on children’s behaviour – the effects of an upset digestive system, for example, cannot be underestimated and must be eliminated before further attention is given to the behaviour. She does not let the psychology of the situation blur common sense.

Wise, despite her advice, acknowledges throughout that no parent is a saint!

Difficulties with Two-Year-Olds

20 August 1930

“L.J.R.” writes: “I should be so very glad of your advice regarding my daughter of two years and two months. She is an only child and extremely healthy, full of spirit, and, I am told, more than ordinarily intelligent for her age. Until recently she has been fairly easy to manage, although very self-willed and inclined to be disobedient. Now, however, when told to do anything, or told NOT to do anything, she immediately starts screaming as loudly as possible, and ends by crying bitterly. We try not to demand anything unreasonable, but she seems to delight in seeing how far she can go without being punished. I realise it is quite useless to keep on scolding and punishing, but, on the other hand, if you give in to her on a single point she immediately takes it as a sign of victory, and it is no use trying to retrieve it afterwards. She has entirely been brought up on Truby King lines, sleeps fourteen hours out of the twenty-four, never has a light in her room, or is nervous of anything. Lately, too, she keeps picking at her nails (not biting them).

I also notice that she is much more disobedient when her Granny is with us than when she is alone with either her Granny or myself, although her Granny is, if anything, more strict with her than I am, and she is thoroughly used to her, as she stays with her Granny one day and night a week. Baby is very loving and affectionate and is always extremely sorry after one of these fits, and always promises not to scream again, but immediately forgets again. She has plenty of toys, although she does not take much notice of them, and prefers to play with odds and ends and run messages about the house. I should so much like your guidance in the manner of treatment, as I do not want to break her spirit, but on the other hand, I cannot have constant screaming at the slightest correction.”

Your little girl gives us another example of what has been brought out in a large number of the letters I have had recently – that is, of the way in which a child who may have been very easy and placid and docile as a baby will often become difficult and defiant in her third year. A period of rebelliousness and temper seems to be quite a normal occurrence round about two to four years of age. In part, it must be taken as a sign of healthy development towards independence and self-reliance, and when, as seems to be the case with your little girl, there is practically no sign of nervousness or neurosis, the problem is fairly straight forward.

That is to say, there is nothing to be distressed about, although the child’s behaviour may for a time cause practical difficulties and be trying to your patience. It is simply a matter of maintaining steady firmness and gentle affection towards her, and resting assured in your own mind that, given these conditions, the child will pass through this phase of difficulty, and after a year or two will settle down into a more cheerful acceptance of denials and demands.

There is no reason to think that keeping firmly to your requests and controls, provided these are reasonable, will “break her spirit”. If one set out to demand mere obedience for its own sake, irrespective of whether the things one asked the child to do were really sensible and appropriate, then one might set up a feeling of helpless frustration which would either confirm the child in miserable defiance or deaden her mental life altogether. But if the things you ask her to do and not to do are always simple and clear, and really needed by the situation, and she has always the sense of your affection and understanding, she will learn to accept your demands. During the screaming fits one can only be patient, but one must not allow the child to get her own way because she screams. There is really no way by which one can stop the screaming itself, except by letting the child learn from experience that it is useless.

What you say about her being more difficult when you and her Granny are both present is again an instance of what I pointed out a few weeks ago – namely, the child’s attempt to “divide and rule”, which so often happens when more than one adult is in charge. This, again, is quite an ordinary characteristic of childhood, and will be left behind presently if your little girl finds that she does not gain anything by it, and is not able to win one of the grown-ups over to spoil her, against the other.

“N.C.” writes: “I want to tell you how very interesting I find your articles. I have been particularly struck by this week’s problem, ‘Displaced’. My little boy is one year and ten months, and his sister is nine months old. He was very unhappy at her arrival, and used to try and pull her off my lap. Now he is on the whole very good to her – tries to protect her from ‘bumps’, shares things with her, etc. But if he is tired or hurts himself, at once he wants my exclusive attention. As I am often quite alone (I only have occasional help) this is sometimes difficult, and now he has a funny new trick. If anything goes wrong, or the slightest word of censure, he flops down and crawls. He has walked since he was ten months old, and is particularly active and sure-footed – can climb and run like a three-year-old. And, except for talking (he can only say a few words and will rarely use them) is otherwise advanced – very independent, quite clean at night and day, feeds himself very tidily and so on. This is, I suppose, because when the baby crawls we admire and praise her, and so he wants admiration too; but it is particularly trying if there are visitors. He shows off so badly with anyone who does not pay him attention. I have two or three severe friends who are full of theories as to bringing up children (they have none of their own!), and show plainly they consider him a spoilt, cross boy. So, he keeps up a steady whimper for their benefit, and last time threw a plate at one poor lady.

If I could put the baby down and hold him on my knee it would be all right, but she is frightened of strangers, too, and howls at them (though a most good-tempered, beaming person at other times). What, I wonder, should one do for the crawling, and the tiresomeness with strangers? Ignore it, try to prepare beforehand, – ‘Be a good boy when the ladies come won’t you?’ – or is that only making matters worse? I am sure really these things will pass, but one is so anxious that no ‘complexes’ should be left behind, and I do think any sort of jealousy or feeling of neglect can linger very bitterly. I think a little child wants a great deal of love and petting (it is a most important ‘vitamin’, rather apt to be neglected these ‘leave them alone in the pram’ days), and yet one equally hates to see an exigent, over-clinging child.”

There is no doubt that when your little boy crawls he is trying to win the attention and praise which his baby sister gets for doing the same thing. I do not think you can do anything about it directly, but a great deal can be done indirectly by letting the child win praise and admiration for the gifts appropriate to his age. The trouble springs from his jealousy of the baby and his fear that her coming means the loss of your love. To his mind, your nursing of the baby means that you love her more than you love him, and his becoming a baby again is partly an attempt to win your approval and affection. You will have to find ways of making him feel quite sure that, although you take the baby on your knee, you love him as much as ever and that you admire him because he can walk and talk and climb and make things. His need for admiration from visitors will be greater just now, while he is in this state of jealous fear. It would be quite useless to scold him for it, and the demand, “Be a good boy when the ladies come”, cannot mean anything real to him. If, however, you can build up in him a sense of his being “a big boy”, and let him have your full admiration for the things he can do and the baby cannot, this will greatly support him and make him a little less dependent on rivalling the baby as a baby.

But I confess that when I read your letter describing the situation with the visitors, I felt that it was the visitors I wanted to keep in order rather than the child. Your little boy obviously has very many splendid qualities, independence, cleanliness and skill, and tenderness to the baby. It seems clear that he is really developing very well. If he were mine I should do my best to avoid exposing him to a situation in which he senses the disapproval of a group of unsympathetic adults. Children are extremely quick to sense such disapproval, and it always makes them more difficult. If you cannot avoid your severe friends being present with your children, I should try to educate them a little in child psychology beforehand. If they understand something of what the boy’s behaviour means, they might be able to help instead of hindering.

Tears and Tantrums

“I feel I have most thoroughly mismanaged her”, writes a mother of her daughter of three years old who has fits of tears and obstinacy

14 February 1934

“Perdita” writes: “Since the birth of my second baby (a boy aged fourteen months) I have taken THE NURSERY WORLD and read it from cover to cover each week. I have meant for months to write and ask your advice with regard to my elder child, Matilda, a girl of three years nine months. I feel I have most thoroughly mismanaged her. She was a greatly longed-for baby, and her father and I were delighted to welcome a little girl, which was as we had hoped. She was a very good and pretty baby. At one and three-quarter years she could say ‘Ding Dong Bell’ all through, and at two she knew twenty or thirty nursery rhymes at least and could count to twenty. She was from her toddler days – in walking she was rather late – rather a ‘live wire’, and needed lots of patience, and I think the trouble with her began at about the age of two years. I had no maid all the summer of 1932 and also moved to this house from a flat, and of course Anthony was born in the autumn. I had other troubles, too, which made me hysterical and very ill-tempered, and my adored small daughter had many thoroughly ill-tempered slappings. I look back upon that summer with horror. My baby boy is a most placid, good-tempered little fellow, and no trouble at all, but Matilda is, I fear, most unhappy (not all the time, of course). I enclose a photograph of her taken at the age of three, and you will see that she looks quite an intelligent, charming, small person. But she has fits of extreme obstinacy, refusing to do quite necessary things. For instance, if I have to take her hand to cross a road she will stamp and scream and try to drag herself away from me. She will be given a spoon and fork for her dinner, and will wish to change the spoon for another exactly similar, and when I will not let her she screams again. I could multiply these instances a dozen times. All her displays of rage are over most trivial matters, and sometimes I have to smack her in spite of the fact that I feel it is wrong. Occasionally, she shows signs of anger with her brother, but is really attached to him.

Another thing about her is that she has, since I was out a whole day once just before Christmas, taken to wild screaming if I even venture to go up the road to the shop for half an hour without her. She throws herself on the floor and kicks and sobs until she is exhausted. I never leave her now unless I am absolutely obliged to do so. She also wakes crying every night and has to be taken into my bed. She hates to go for a walk with the maid, but prefers to stay at home with me. She had forgotten all her nursery rhymes a month or so ago, but is now beginning to learn them again. She has never cared for toys or known how to play with them, but prefers books. I am not very good at play either. Another thing I would like to mention is that since the age of fifteen months she has rolled her head from side to side in bed, making her hair a tangled mess by the morning. She still does it, and if unhappy during the day will lay her head on a chair and roll it. When she started it at fifteen months it was not, however – so far as we could see – a sign of any unhappiness. This head rolling is quite definitely inherited. It throws a light on the recent correspondence with regard to ‘bumping’. I had a rather unusual childhood, and although rather stolid outwardly was often unhappy ‘inside’. When I was very tiny I used to bang my head on the pillow – or the floor if I was tired. This was before I could walk, and later rolling the head took the place of it. I remember doing it up to the age of eleven or twelve years, and have often wondered if it has any significance. I can remember it used to help me to create a dream world into which I used to escape. I tell you this in case it helps at all with Matilda. The whole position bulks very largely in my mind, and I fear I am rather muddled about it. If you could help me to try to undo the wrong I’ve done with regard to my little girl I should be so very, very grateful. She is beginning to show great interest in letters. Would you advise me to teach her to read?”

You are probably being unnecessarily pessimistic and blaming yourself unduly about your little girl. It is, of course, a pity that you felt so wrought up and bad tempered at the time when her difficulties would in any case be greater, owing to the birth of her little brother. But the photograph shows that she is still an affectionate and charming child and is likely to have considerable powers of recuperation. You will have noticed from the other letters which have appeared that severe difficulties of obstinacy and tantrums are quite common in children who have just been displaced by the birth of a little rival, so that you would not be justified in putting down the whole of Matilda’s difficulties to your own irritability. The fact that her displays of rage occur over quite trivial matters is not surprising in itself. It often happens and is, in fact, an indication of the great efforts the child is making not to be angry about the important things, for example, not to be aggressive towards her brother. She can let her strong feelings master her with regard to unimportant things, just because they are unimportant, and this is her safety valve for her feelings about really significant...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• CONTENTS
• Acknowledgements
• Main introduction
• 1 Behaviour and temperament
• 2 Play, occupations and education
• 3 Fears, phantasies and phobias
• 4 Sleeping
• 5 Eating
• 6 Jealousy and sibling rivalry
• 7 When expert advice is needed
• 8 Eclectic letters
• References
• Index