Develop Your Assertiveness

Sue Bishop

• Publisher: Kogan Page
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9780749466992
• Edition: 3
• Topic: Développement personnel
• Subtopic: Carrières

Develop Your Assertiveness offers simple techniques that will help you become more aware of your strengths and weaknesses, so that you can learn how best to modify your behaviour in social and business interactions. Being more confident and learning how best to communicate with your colleagues will enable you to create win-win situations, thus improving your career prospects and enhancing your social life. Packed with examples and exercises, this essential guide covers topics such as: the importance of choice of behaviour; tension control; self awareness and self-esteem; relationships; making and refusing requests; dealing with problem people; tricky situations; assertiveness online.
Exercises and activities in Develop your Assertiveness enable you to measure your progress and reach your goals.

1

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE?

CONDITIONING

When you first entered this world, and until you were about six months old, you knew and demonstrated two forms of behaviour: passive, dependent behaviour and aggressive, demanding behaviour. As you grew older, one of the first words you will have learnt and uttered is ‘No’. This is a way of saying, ‘I can now begin to rationalize, to make my own decisions.’ It is a way of beginning to establish independence as a unique individual.

For toddlers, being passive sometimes, aggressive at others, freely expressing feelings, and saying ‘No’ without guilt or malice, is spontaneous and natural. Were you reprimanded for saying ‘No’ as a small child? Were you told it was not polite … might hurt others’ feelings … make you unpopular? Might this have a bearing on why you might find it difficult to utter the ‘No’ word today?

In our early development we were conditioned by people and events, and soon adapted to please parents or other adults responsible for our social training. We were told what was good and what was bad; what to do and what not to do. It is often in a child’s best interests to please or submit – good behaviour is rewarded with smiles and favours. Sometimes bad behaviour gets its rewards as well – thinks … ‘If I can’t get her attention any other way, I’ll scream, yell and throw things; any attention – even a telling off – is better than being ignored’. You can see how the passive/aggressive pattern builds and how as adults we slide into adapted behaviour to achieve our own ends, to keep the peace or to meet the needs of others – often to the detriment of our own well-being.

Passive and aggressive behaviours come naturally to us and often seem the easy (though seldom the most effective) option, whereas assertive behaviour requires a cognitive process rather than a gut reaction. It is learnt – we were not born assertive. Depending on our own mood, the situation, the people involved and so on, we frequently respond somewhere along the spectrum of passive-through-aggressive without considering the assertive option which recognizes the needs, feelings and opinions of both you and the other person.

Conditioning plays a large part in the way you act and react as an adult. Role expectations come into this too. We may have mentally ingested that it is unladylike to express anger, or that it is a sign of weakness to cry in public, or that men should be aggressively ambitious, enjoy physical contact sports and so on. Subtle conditioning has coloured the way we see ourselves and others, but the good news is that conditioning has not fixed your personality for ever. You are constantly developing and changing. Things learnt can be unlearnt, alternative behaviours can be rehearsed and practised until they become second nature.

APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR CHOICE

Before moving on to look at various aspects of assertiveness training, it should be stressed that passive and aggressive behaviours are not necessarily bad. They can both be appropriate at times – righteous indignation at social injustices, for example. The assertive option might not always be the best behaviour choice. To test how effective your present behaviour is, try the following.

---

EXERCISE

Tick the response which best represents how you would react to each situation, not what you consider to be the correct response; then check with the comments below.

1  You work for an organization which has a strong equal opportunities policy. One of your staff has already been warned about racist remarks. You overhear him telling a racist joke to a colleague.

    a  ‘I’ve explained why jokes such as these are offensive. It’s also company policy not to use sexist or racist language in the workplace. Do you have a problem with this which you would like to discuss?’

    b  ‘I know you think that racist jokes are just a bit of fun. If it were down to me … but it’s the rules you know, and if the boss heard, it would be my neck on the line.’

    c  ‘You’ve been told about expressing racist views before. This is your final warning. Disobey company rules again and you’re looking at dismissal.’

2  You have had complaints about the offhand manner of one of your staff. You call her into your office to talk about the problem. Before you can open the discussion, tearfully she says, ‘I know what this is about, and yes, I have been short-tempered – even rude – to some customers recently, but I am so worried about my husband; he’s having tests for a blood disorder.’

    a  ‘That’s all very well, but our business is suffering because of your attitude. You’ll have to learn to leave your problems at home and give 100 per cent to the company while you’re here.’

    b  ‘I’m so sorry; I’d no idea he was ill. Is there any way we can help you – would a chat with the welfare section help …?’

    c  ‘I thought there must be some explanation. I’m sorry that you have problems at home. However, we expect a certain standard from our staff, and complaints have been made which must be followed up.’

3  One of your staff has made a minor error, unnoticed by you, but picked up by your boss who storms into the office and says to you, ‘These are the wrong widgets. You’re so careless – call yourself a supervisor?’

    a  ‘You’re right. I’m really sorry … I should have checked. It won’t happen again. I’ll get it sorted out right away.’

    b  ‘Who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning then? I’ll ignore your remarks – you’re obviously not yourself today!’

    c  ‘I’m sorry that we made a mistake with this order. However, you’re wrong to say that I am careless, and I resent your remarks about my supervisory skills. My standards and those of my team are high. Mistakes sometimes happen.’

---

COMMENTS

1  Option (a) is assertive, but this member of staff knows the rules and has already been given a warning. An approach further along the aggressive scale would be more effective.

    Option (b) is not only passive, but shows poor management style, colluding with the ‘offenders’ rather than defending company policy.

    Option (c), although blunt to the point of being aggressive, has about the right amount of muscle to be effective, leaving the offender in no doubt as to where he stands.

2  Option (a) is not only aggressive, but insensitive and inappropriate in the circumstances.

    Option (b), although passive, would be the most appropriate and effective way of dealing with this situation at present.

    Option (c) is assertive, but is assertiveness really an appropriate behaviour choice in this situation? A response further along the passive scale is called for.

3  Option (a) is far too passive. Forelock tugging when you or your team have been verbally attacked is just asking for future abuse.

    Option (b) just might be OK if you know your boss really well and can joke him out of his mood. However, it could be taken as rude and aggressive and, more importantly, doesn’t address the fact that you – not just your work – have been verbally attacked.

    Option (c) is both assertive and an appropriate response to the boss’s attack. It recognizes and apologizes for a genuine mistake, but doesn’t let him get away with unjust criticism of you or your team.

KEY POINTS

•  We are not born assertive; early conditioning directs behaviour choice and actions.

•  Assertiveness is an effective behaviour choice which can be learnt.

2

PREPARE TO ASSERT YOURSELF

In the same way that it is impossible to become assertive just by reading a book on the subject – you have to practise assertion skills – it is also impossible to appear assertive with the tensed muscles and pounding heart associated with stress. Your body language will give you away. Whatever words you choose to say, however ‘assertive’ they might be, if delivered with the wrong tone of voice, too m...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Imprint
• Contents
• Introduction
• 1 To be, or not to be?
• 2 Prepare to assert yourself
• 3 Positive thinking
• 4 Rights and wrongs
• 5 Now and then
• 6 Now see hear
• 7 Body talk
• 8 Relationships
• 9 Words and phrases
• 10 Power
• 11 Yes and no
• 12 Problem people
• 13 Tricky situations
• 14 Evolving technologies
• Full imprint