Intrusive Partners - Elusive Mates

The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Couples

Stephen J. Betchen

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781135404239
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychologie
• Subtopic: Psychologie clinique

When two people form a relationship or marry, they begin to move towards one another with the expectation of closeness. The emotionality or intensity that accompanies this process, however, may result in fusion followed by a desperate need for space or distance. Intrusive Partners - Elusive Mates is the first book to deal exclusively with the pursuer-distancer interaction, and to focus significant attention on the emerging male pursuer-female distancer dynamic. This book revisits Fogarty's work, traces the concept over time and across different professional fields, and discusses in detail the concepts correlation with gender issues and social change. A detailed, step-by-step model of treatment to aid in de-escalating this potentially problematic style is also offered. The model in and of itself is unique because it integrates psychoanalytic conflict theory and psychodynamic systems theory into one treatment approach. This book is intended to offer the therapist a model for understanding and effectively discussing this dynamic, while at the same time allowing couples to read and explore it on their own.

Chapter 1

Traits and Tendencies of the Pursuer and the Distancer

Fogarty (1979) was adamant about the fact that pursuing and distancing were tendencies, not fixed developmental or personality characteristics. He wrote, “Inside of every distancer is a pursuer, and inside every pursuer is a distancer” (p. 47). While I generally agree, I have seen many pursuers and distancers remain in character outside their relationships and/or across different contexts. In fact, many pursuers seem to demonstrate somewhat anxious, histrionic, and/or obsessive–compulsive traits or tendencies, while many distancers tend to exhibit avoidant, depressive, and/or passive–aggressive traits or tendencies. I believe that one tendency is dominant, but in most cases a little of the other also exists simultaneously with the underlying issue having to do with a conflict around intimacy. It is as if pursuing and distancing exist on a continuum with the pursuer at one end and the distancer at the other end and graded levels of each in between; however, no pure or prototypical pursuer and no pure or prototypical distancer exist — just individuals who are closer to one end of the continuum. As shown in Figure 1.1, Sue is the pursuer and Joe is the distancer.

In support of the dynamism of the interaction, when two predominant pursuers get together one (the one who has more of a tendency to distance, or is closest to the extreme end of the distancer’s side of the continuum) takes on the distancer role in the relationship. And, if two predominant distancers match up, the one who is closest to the pursuer’s end of the continuum will take on the role of the pursuer. As shown in Figure 1.2, Sue remains the pursuer to Joe but the distancer to Sam. Joe is the pursuer to Jane.

Fig. 1.1 Continuum of pursuer–distancer interaction.

A list of some of the general traits and tendencies that pursuers and distancers may exhibit is shown in Table 1.1. These characteristics tend to vary in number and intensity depending on where an individual is on the pursuer–distancer continuum. For example, an individual closest to the extreme end of the pursuer side of the continuum would most likely exhibit more pursuing traits and tendencies or more intense versions of them than an individual who is further away.

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TABLE 1.1 Traits and Tendencies of the Pursuer and the Distancer

	Pursuer	Distancer
1	Expresses thoughts and feelings	Keeps thoughts and feelings to self
2	Social	Asocial
3	Verbal and body language seems aggressive	Verbal and body language is passive
4	Appears anxious and very focused	Appears depressed or disinterested
5	Very impatient	Very patient
6	Truthful and confronting	Vague and indirect
7	Trusting	Distrusting and somewhat paranoid
8	Initiates action	Procrastinates
9	Devours self-help books	Avoids guidance
10	Loose boundaries	Closed and difficult to get close to
11	Parental	Childlike
12	Righteous	No cause is worth the fight
13	Responsible	Can be irresponsible
14	Optimistic	Pessimistic
15	Trouble with endings	No apparent trouble with endings

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Although these traits and tendencies have been described in the professional literature (Betchen, 1991, 1996; Fogarty, 1979; Guerin et al., 1987; Napier, 1978), it is conceded that not all may resonate with every couple’s therapist or to the same extent; rather, they will most likely be perceived somewhat differently from clinician to clinician depending upon their clinical experiences, and possibly even their specific therapeutic and theoretical orientations. Suffice it to say that the following list reflects my own experiences with pursuers and distancers, as well as the experiences of the authors cited above.

1. Pursuers Express Their Thoughts and Feelings Freely; Distancers Keep Their Thoughts and Feelings to Themselves.

Pursuers are open with their thoughts and feelings. They are very verbal and can easily maintain a conversation. This, in part, makes them particularly important in terms of keeping the therapeutic process moving. Distancers, on the other hand, keep to themselves. Their thoughts and feelings are tightly contained, giving the false impression that they have none. Because they portray themselves as blank slates, or tabula rasas, it is difficult to know what they are thinking. Any insecurity on the pursuer’s part may in fact be projected onto the distancer.

Yale and Olivia were a couple in their late thirties. Olivia was a very verbal and outgoing individual who did almost all of the talking in treatment. Yale appeared shy and seemed content to let Olivia carry the conversation. When Yale did want to say something, he had to struggle to intervene; it seemed almost painful for him to speak. When I saw each partner individually, it was interesting to note the stark contrast. Olivia’s session flew by, and it seemed as if she had a never-ending stream of things to talk about. While she focused primarily on Yale and the marital issues, she drifted off into her work, friends, movies, and life in general. She even tried to keep the conversation going after the session had formally ended and I had to open the office door to move her along so I could see my next couple. Yale’s session seemed to last a lifetime. He had little to say, and the majority of the session consisted of silence. It seemed as if he wanted me to do all the work, as Olivia apparently did. It is interesting to note that Yale expressed very little criticism of his wife in his individual work with me; nevertheless, Olivia was sure that he told me that he hated her and that he wanted to leave her. She attempted to pump me for information to support this hypothesis, but I encouraged Yale to speak with her about the subject. When Yale finally admitted to Olivia that he did not hate her and had no intentions of leaving the relationship, she seemed puzzled. Apparently Olivia was projecting her own anxious thoughts and feelings onto her reticent partner.

Fig. 1.2 Dynamism of pursuer–distancer interaction.

2. Pursuers are Social and Move Toward People; Distancers are Asocial and Move Toward Inanimate Objects.

People who take on the pursuer role in their relationships tend to be the social organizers. It is they who will arrange to get together with other couples or plan a night on the town. They tend to have friends for all occasions. In fact, one woman told me that she needed to have people in her house all the time. She said that it felt lonely without the constant interaction. Some of these individuals are what I refer to as “collectors” in that they gather as many friends as possible. People who distance tend to be loners. If it weren’t for their pursuing paramours, they might not have much of a social life at all. In fact, the husband of the woman mentioned above told me that he “couldn’t care less if anybody ever came over to the house.” Distancers, however, will partake in individual-oriented activities or hobbies or ones that require little intimate interaction (e.g., photography). They may play a sport but prefer one that is less team oriented, such as running or swimming. If they do participate on a team, they may find excuses to avoid getting together with their teammates after the activity. They tend to prefer objects such as computers, and the Internet makes them particularly dangerous to their counterparts because vehicles such as chat rooms allow them to connect with others at a distance rather than become closer to their mates.

Steve and Sheila, a couple in their late forties, had been married for approximately eight years. It was the second marriage for both, and they had sufficient funds to build a beautiful, spacious home that was perfect for entertaining. However, Sheila complained that Steve was a workaholic and rarely had time to socialize with anybody. Meanwhile, she had an assortment of friends with whom she constantly stayed in contact. For example, she regularly worked out at the gym with two of them and always kept a full itinerary of luncheon and dinner dates with them. Even when it came to Steve’s business, Sheila was the social director, planning parties for his company employees. Steve, on the other hand, had no friends and did not seem to mind. He was an avid collector of gadgetry and was constantly on his computer. The final blow came when Sheila decided to throw a large party on Memorial Day for all of her best friends. Although Steve did not object, he spent the entire time on his computer in a locked room, only to emerge to grab a bite to eat. Sheila reported that at rather short intervals she would knock on the door to get Steve to come out and play host. This experience so enraged and embarrassed Sheila that she threatened to divorce Steve if he did not attend marital therapy with her.

3. Pursuers have Verbal and Body Language That is Aggressive or Very Assertive; Distancers have Verbal and Body Language That is Passive and Distant.

Pursuers tend to be scolding, so their voice may be angry in tone. Their speech tends to be pressured and their body language aggressive. For example, a pursuer may sit forward in the chair (on the edge of the seat), aimed at the distancer. If the pursuer’s legs are crossed, they will be crossed toward the distancer (picture a missile ready to fire). On the other hand, the distancer’s voice is often calm and quiet. Because they are sometimes inaudible, you may have to ask distancers to repeat what they are saying or to speak louder. A distancer’s legs may be crossed away from the pursuer, or the distancer’s entire body may be turned away from the pursuer. Distancers rarely raise their voices or scream.

From the minute he entered treatment, Riley complained about his wife’s refusal to spend time with him as well as her recent reluctance to have sex with him. “She hardly ever speaks to me, and when she does she gives me one or two word answers.” Emily was a quiet woman who sat with her legs crossed away from Riley. She kept her eyes fixed on me throughout the entire session as if Riley wasn’t even there. She stated that she was confused with regard to her actions but wished that Riley wouldn’t be so angry with her. Riley used his hands when he spoke and constantly pointed his finger at Emily to make a point and/or to threaten her. Emily did not respond to him directly. Compared to Riley, Emily was slow speaking.

4. Pursuers Appear Anxious and Focused; Distancers Appear Depressed, Disinterested, or in a State of Confusion.

Pursuers are hyperfocused on the relationship difficulties and are almost certain that the distancers are solely responsible. They talk about the problem constantly, and it seems to absorb them. They can experience a wave of excitement or a high; however, they are also prone to lows when they are feeling out of control. They tend to worry a lot about the present (e.g., how they will pay the bills today) and often exhibit quite a bit of anxiety. Distancers have a flat rhythm to them (Christmas is like any other day); they do not vacillate. They also do not exhibit as much anxiety. Many distancers appear depressed or disinterested. They tend not to be perfectionistic and, in fact, many can live with very little.

Peter and Janet, a couple previously depicted in the introduction, exhibited these traits. If you recall, Janet was angrily pursuing Peter for a variety of reasons, while Peter almost seemed to fall asleep during the session. Janet was extremely focused on the relationship issues as well as on Peter, while Peter seemed confused about why his partner was so upset. Peter was also often caught staring off into space.

As a male pursuer, Ricardo presented as extremely anxious. He stated that his wife Sybil was thinking about divorcing him and he didn’t understand why. Sybil appeared quiet and had a bored look on her face. She said that divorcing Ricardo was on her mind, but she wasn’t quite sure what to do with the relationship. Indecisive and confusing statements such as these had raised Ricardo’s anxiety level to the point where he needed medication. Sybil did, however, make one statement that clearly resonated with Ricardo: “I know I can financially afford to live without him.”

5. Pursuers are Very Impatient, Move Quickly, and Change Quickly; Distancers are Very Patient, Move Slowly, and Evolve Rather Than Change Quickly.

Pursuers appear impatient; they tend to want things done immediately and to their liking. Many pursuers exhibit perfectionistic traits that they as well as others can never live up to. They like change and expect quick results in the treatment process. They put pressure on the therapist and want to be guided through the therapeutic process. They change first and want others, particularly the distancer, to keep up. Distancers are slow moving. They evolve rather than change quickly. They also hate being pushed around; it is one of the few things that will evoke overt anger in them. They generally don’t like change.

Donna and Ted were a couple in their early forties. Donna was very anxious to begin treatment; in fact, she must have called me at least once or twice every day for a week before an appointment was scheduled. When treatment began, Donna continued to exhibit impatience. She wanted to know how long the treatment would last (but what she was really asking was how long it would take to fix Ted). She also wanted to know if I could recommend any exercises they could do at home and if I could suggest anything to read on the subject. At one point, Donna wondered whether Ted could take medication for his distancing behavior. Ted, on the other hand, appeared calm and reserved. He was clearly the slower moving of the two, not just emotionally but physically as well. Over the course of their treatment, Donna was in fact, making clear progress, but this was a blessing and a curse in that she constantly put pressure on Ted to keep up with her. Ted did progress, but to Donna’s dismay it was at a much slower rate. Every concept that Donna saw as an exciting revelation Ted took twice as long to grasp. Donna had to get used to the fact that treatment was going to last a lot longer than her impatient nature had envisioned; she needed to learn to accept that Ted functioned at a different pace.

6. Pursuers are Truthful and Confronting Even if it Hurts; Distancers are Vague and Indirect.

Pursuers tell it like it is. Sometimes they may not be very tactful, but you almost always know what is on their minds. Many pursuers could use lessons in “interpersonal finesse.” They are usually unaware, for example...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction: Understanding the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 1. Traits and Tendencies of the Pursuer and the Distancer
• 2. Gender Roles and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 3. Family of Origin: The Emotional and Psychological Development of Pursuers and Distancers
• 4. Treatment Model
• 5. Evaluating Sexual Dysfunction in the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 6. Male Sexual Disorders and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 7. Female Sexual Disorders and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 8. Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 9. Same-Sex Couples and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• 10. Difficult Cases and Case Failure
• 11. Other Contexts and the Pursuer–Distancer Dynamic
• Epilogue
• References
• Index