Coping with Infertility

Clinically Proven Ways of Managing the Emotional Roller Coaster

Negar Nicole Jacobs, William T. O'Donohue

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781135919535
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Coping with Infertility is an essential source of emotional support for any couple struggling with involuntary childlessness. The book offers proven techniques and real-life examples from both men and women, in order to outline common emotional reactions and remind couples that they are not alone in their ups and downs. The coping skills discussed in the book have been assembled from years of working with individuals in clinical trials and have undergone rigorous scientific testing. These state-of-the-art techniques have been shown to be effective in helping couples deal with the stress, depression, relationship problems, and grief often associated with infertility. Coping with Infertility is an easily accessible and problem-focused guide for couples to use in overcoming the emotional roadblocks of infertility.

II

Infertility

The Emotional Roller Coaster

Quiz: Are You Riding the Roller Coaster?

Chapter 4 The Emotional Journey: Common Reactions to Infertility

Chapter 5 Beating the (Not-So-Baby) Blues: Common Sources of Depression in Infertility

Chapter 6 Coping with Depression: You Are What You Think

Section II Summary

QUIZ: ARE YOU RIDING THE ROLLER COASTER?

This quiz will help you identify whether you have experienced a number of common emotional reactions to infertility and determine how infertility is affecting your mood. Answer the questions below as honestly as you can, with “yes”or “no” responses.

___	1.	I never thought that someone as healthy as I could have fertility problems.
___	2.	I (or my partner) at first refused to get an infertility workup partly because we were in denial.
___	3.	Seeing pregnant women or babies makes me feel very anxious.
___	4.	I feel like I live in constant fear of another failed pregnancy attempt or miscarriage.
___	5.	I feel angry at my body for letting me down.
___	6.	I get angry with my partner because of the way he or she is handling infertility.
___	7.	I worry that something I did in the past caused my infertility.
___	8.	Lately, I feel inadequate or worthless.
___	9.	I don’t spend as much time with family or friends since our infertility problems started.
___	10.	I don’t feel as close to my partner since our infertility problems began.
___	11.	I feel sad every time I think about a future without a biological child.
___	12.	My depression interferes with my ability to carry out everyday tasks.
___	13.	I feel grief every time we get a negative pregnancy test result.
___	14.	All our plans for the future are on hold until we have a child.
___	15.	I feel sad and/or irritable most of the time.
___	16.	I just don’t feel like doing the things I used to do before our infertility problems started.
___	17.	I feel like my life has been a failure.
___	18.	I feel my life will be meaningless if we can’t have a (another) child.
___	19.	I feel like infertility has made me lose control of my life.
___	20.	Sometimes I feel hopeless about the possibility of ever having a (another) child.
___	21.	I feel that we are being punished with infertility.
___	22.	Sometimes I blame my partner for our infertility problems.
___	23.	Infertility is threatening my relationship with my partner.
___	24.	Sometimes I have thoughts of suicide.

SCORING THE ROLLER COASTER QUIZ

The more “yes” answers you gave, the more likely you are to be riding the infertility roller coaster. Read through the responses below to learn how this section can help you better understand your emotional reactions and avoid some of the common mood traps faced by people with fertility problems. Be sure to read all the responses, even if you answered “no.”

Shock and Surprise (Question 1): Shock and surprise are two of the most common initial reactions to an infertility diagnosis, especially for those used to having control over their lives or who identify with being healthy. Chapter 4 will guide you through your own or your partner’s shocked reaction.

Denial (Question 2): Chapter 4 describes the various forms of denial, the dangers of denial, and how to move past denial to face your infertility.

Stress and Anxiety (Questions 3–4): Chapter 4 will help you understand appropriate stress and anxiety and briefly introduce techniques to lower them.

Anger (Questions 5–6): Anger often stems from feelings of loss of control over your body and emotions. It can also be related to the many losses associated with infertility and a reaction to your partner’s handling infertility differently than you. Chapter 4 discusses the various causes of anger and the difference between rational anger and anger that is based on illogical thinking.

Self-Image (Questions 7–8): Some people report feelings of self-blame, negative self-image, and guilt in response to infertility. Feelings of inadequacy in the realm of reproduction can extend to feelings of unworthiness in other areas of life. Chapter 4 helps you identify and counter such illogical thinking.

Social Isolation and Relationship Problems (Questions 9–10): Some people respond to infertility by withdrawing physically or emotionally from social situations and their partners. Relationship problems can include emotional distance and loss of sexual desire. Chapter 4 discusses how you can improve your relationship and maximize your chances of getting sensitive, positive social support.

Sadness and Depression (Questions 11–12): It is important to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel your sadness. However, normal sadness can turn into more serious depression if your perceptions and interpretations of your infertility are based on illogical thinking. Chapter 4 helps you distinguish between sadness and depression and between rational and illogical thinking. It also points you toward other chapters that focus on ways to improve your mood.

Grief (Question 13): Grief is a normal, necessary part of healing. Chapter 4 describes some of the losses commonly associated with infertility and directs you toward other chapters that show you how to work through your grief.

Acceptance and Resolution (Question 14): Acceptance and resolution, which come from acknowledging and confronting painful feelings, allow you to handle your infertility-related emotional reactions so you can get on with other aspects of your life. Chapter 4 helps you identify acceptance and resolution and directs you to other chapters that can help you to attain this final stage in dealing with infertility.

Mood (Question 15): It is very common for people with fertility problems to feel sad or blue. Chapter 5 will give you a better understanding of the causes of your sadness, while Chapter 6 details effective methods for handling sadness and depression.

Inactivity (Question 16): Depression is usually associated with lack of interest in activities and less enjoyment of activities in which you do engage. Chapters 5 and 6 will help you understand how inactivity is related to your mood and how you can beat the blues by being more active.

Thoughtless Thinking (Questions 17–20): People who are depressed tend see the world in a negative light and think in irrational ways. This “thoughtless thinking” can make you feel inadequate, worthless, helpless, and even hopeless. Chapters 5 and 6 discuss how thoughts affect your mood and behavior, and how you can tackle depression by changing the way you think.

Guilt (Question 21): Many people with fertility problems believe that their infertility is a punishment for some past sin or transgression. Chapter 5 helps you understand that guilt and blame are forms of thoughtless thinking, and Chapter 6 details how you can learn to think more rationally about your infertility.

Relationship Problems (Questions 22–23): Depression and its symptoms can cause problems in relationships. Chapters 5 and 6 show how depression relates to relationship difficulties and how you can improve your relationship by lifting your spirits.

Suicide (Question 24): Extreme depression can trigger thoughts of death and suicide. You may feel that your infertility has let your partner down or that life isn’t worth living if you cannot have a child. If you have serious thoughts of suicide, consult a doctor or mental health professional immediately.

4

THE EMOTIONAL JOURNEY

Common Reactions to Infertility

TWO COUPLES’ STORIES

Steve and Jen

Steve was born and raised in the Midwest, the middle child in a family of three brothers. He grew up playing ball with his brothers and father and played on the varsity football team in high school. He did well academically and was popular at school. He was what you could call an “all-American guy.” Several colleges around the country recruited him for his football talents. He ended up at the University of Nevada in Reno (UNR), where he met Jen.

Jen was born in the Bay Area but moved to Carson City, Nevada, with her family when she was young. She was an only child and enjoyed the parental attention focused on her but longed for a brother or sister. Her family was very traditional; her mother stayed home throughout Jen’s childhood, and her father was the primary breadwinner. Her mother did teach dance classes, which was where Jen got her love of dance and fitness. She went to UNR and majored in dance, hoping to follow in her mother’s footsteps.

Steve and Jen met in one of their classes at the university. They dated for a couple of years and married right after college graduation. Both knew they wanted to have kids, and discussed it thoroughly before marriage. Jen wanted a large family, since she felt she had missed out on having siblings when she was a child. She always talked about her dreams and hopes for her future family. In planning her career, she made arrangements to teach dance classes from home so she could be a stay-at-home mom just like her mother.

Jen tried to talk Steve into trying to conceive a baby shortly after their marriage, but Steve didn’t feel ready. He wanted to establish his career first. He assured her that they were young, that nobody was healthier than the two of them, and that they had all the time in the world to start a family. Jen was upset because she felt Steve was more interested in hanging out with his college buddies than in their future as a couple. She worried that her dreams of being a mother would be put off indefinitely.

When Steve told Jen he was ready to start trying for a baby, she was delighted. Images of her pregnant belly, her baby shower, and a beautiful baby flooded her mind. She told all her friends that they were “trying” for a baby. Nobody was happier than her mother. The two of them poured over catalogues for baby clothes and furniture for the future nursery. They even bought a book on baby names. Jen took vitamins and worked out even harder to prepare her body for pregnancy.

At first, Steve and Jen had fun trying to conceive. Lovemaking for a baby was a very meaningful and bonding experience. After sex, they would often fall asleep in one another’s arms talking about how they could be parents soon. After almost a year of trying, the fun started to wear off and the fears of not being able to get pregnant set in. Efforts to time intercourse more carefully were not successful. However, Steve continued to assure Jen that they were both young and healthy and that nothing could possibly be wrong. Jen had her doubts. One of her best friends from school had personal experience with infertility and told her to get checked out by a doctor.

Consumed by fears of not being able to have a baby, Jen went to a doctor for a workup. A series of painful tests revealed that her reproductive tract was in “perfect” shape. The doctor told her to have Steve come in for a semen analysis. When Jen told Steve that her tests came out normal and that the doctor wanted to do a workup on him, Steve, to her surprise, became very angry with her. He yelled that there was “no way” that it could be his “fault,” and that she should go back and have more tests herself. He added that he never wanted to talk about this agai...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface
• Introduction: How to Get the Most Out of Coping with Infertility
• Section I: Human Reproduction: When It Works, When It Doesn’t, and Medical Treatment Options
• Section II: Infertility: The Emotional Roller Coaster
• Section III: Stress: Why It Is Not Enough To “Just Relax”
• Section IV: Couple Trouble: Infertility and Your Relationship
• Section V: Infertility: The Mourning After
• Appendix A: Suggested Readings
• Appendix B: Resource Directory
• Endnotes
• Authors