Mothers and Sons

Feminism, Masculinity, and the Struggle to Raise Our Sons

Andrea O'Reilly

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2002
• ISBN:
  9781135960063
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Sociology
• Index: Social Sciences

The relationship between mothers and sons has been explored for ages. From Oedipus to Al Brooks' Mother, we are fascinated by the familial bond between a mother and her son. This groundbreaking work looks at many untouched areas of the mother-son relationship including race, sexuality and ability. The contributors to this collection speak from the heart and explore how the institution of motherhood oppresses women, impedes mother-son identification and fosters sexism. The impact of the feminist movement on the mother-son relationship, which has been previously neglected in literature, is explored in-depth in Mothers and Sons _. These deeply personal reflections includes stories of lesbian mothers identifying challenges in raising sons in our heterosexist culture as well as black mothers and sons and Jewish mothers. For all with an interest in family issues, gender issues, or a new perspective on mothering, this book is a must read.

III

MOTHERS AND SONS: CONNECTIONS AND DISCONNECTIONS

10

RAISING RELATIONAL BOYS

Cate Dooley and Nikki Fedele

Introduction

Achilles, mightiest of the Greeks, hero of the Iliad, was nearly immortal. According to myth, his mother, Thetis, dipped him into the river Styx. The sacred waters of this river that led to Hades, the world of the dead, rendered whomever they touched impervious to harm. But Thetis, good mother that she was, worried about the dangers of the river, and so she held onto Achilles by his heal. As the story goes, because of that one holding spot, Achilles remained mortal and vulnerable to harm. Thetis would be blamed forever after for her son’s so-called fatal flaw, his Achilles heel.

However, the holding place of vulnerability was not, as the myth would have us believe, a fatal liability to Achilles. It was instead the thing that kept him human and real. In fact, we consider it Thetis’ finest gift to her son. Every mother of a son hopes to prepare him for life’s “battles” while also preserving his emotional/relational side. Because mothers value connection, they want to “hold on,” to keep open that place of vulnerability. But, faced with cultural pressures that suggest restraint and withdrawal, rather than comfort and nurture, many mothers feel conflicted about their desire to stay connected to their sons. Traditional wisdom cautions that “holding on” will be damaging and create psychological problems for sons. Faced with this dilemma, mothers often give in to cultural pressures and disconnect from their young sons because they think it is the right thing to do.

This chapter describes the application of relational theory to a model of parenting-in-connection. We describe the natural ebb and flow of parent-child relationships through a cycle of connection, disconnection, and new connection, while detailing issues and conflicts specific to boys’ development at four distinct stages. The mother-son relationship is, we argue, the most important context within which boys can learn how to move from disconnection to even better connection. Highlighting the dominant cultural model for boys’development—which we believe affects all mother-son relationships despite variations based on race, class, and other factors—we use specific examples drawn from our workshops and clinical work to demonstrate the potential of the alternative parenting-in-connection approach.

Our work with mothers of sons is based on relational/cultural theory, a view of development for women and men, which grew out of Jean Baker Miller’s 1976 book, Toward a New Psychology of Women. In her book, Miller introduces a new view of women and their development. After many years of listening to and studying women, she concludes that relationship and affiliation are essential to their healthy development. She notes the attitudes about women and their roles embedded in the fabric of Western culture. She further states that this cultural view diminishes women’s self-worth.

We highlight the mother-son relationship because we feel that this same devalued view of women affects mother-son interaction. The culture tells mothers to disconnect from their sons. Closeness with mom has often been misunderstood and pathologized. The mother-son connection is ridiculed (“go run to mama”; “crybaby”), cautioned against (“you better let him go”; “push him out to the world”), prohibited (“don’t coddle him”; “no more hugs and kisses”), and maligned (“she’s turned him into a mama’s boy”; “he’s tied to her apron strings”). We feel that this disparaging attitude and the early call for separation from their mother isolates boys “from relationship”—first with their mother and consequently with others.

In this chapter we are referring to the dominant cultural model for boys in the United States. We recognize that there are many variations of this model dependent upon race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, family structure, socioeconomic class, as well as other factors. We focus on the mainstream model supported by media images and messages, because of the strong negative influence it has on boys’ development. We feel that all mothers, regardless of diverse circumstances, are impacted in their relationship with sons by this culturally prescribed paradigm of disconnection.

Infant studies show that physical and psychological development is dependent upon a good mother-infant connection. Without such a connection we see a developmental “failure to thrive” in babies. Ed Tronick of the Brazelton Touchpoint Project (1998), notes that infant development occurs only within relationship. This is also Miller’s belief about our life-long experience. In Toward a New Psychology of Women she states that “all growth and learning takes place within the context of relationship.” While the relational presence of mother is essential for babies to thrive early on, it continues to be essential for boys’ emotional and relational growth.

Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver speak of the need for relationship and connection as a human need in The Healing Connection (1997). They see this as a universal need, best met through the development of mutually empathic and mutually empowering relationships. But young boys, if deprived of sufficient opportunities to learn how to make real connections, try to meet these needs in superficial and manipulative ways. They are taught in “boy culture” to fulfil their desires and get ahead, even at the expense of others. In acting this way, boys and men are simply following established rules of the culture for males. A false bravado model not only deprives boys early on of parental empathy, but also infuses them with a sense of esteem and power devoid of internal resonance. As a result, mutually satisfying connection with others becomes impossible. In our clinical practice, men tell stories of “working the room” in executive meetings, assured that they will, ultimately, sway others and (right or wrong) get what they want. These men complain, however, that they feel no internal gratification in these interactions. All this attention and power fail to gratify and, in fact, leave them feeling empty and even more alone. We see in their experience how learned behaviors make it impossible for many men to connect authentically, leaving them with a debilitating sense of internal isolation.

This problematic developmental course may account for what appears to be a predominance of men who are self-absorbed and cut off from relationships. Perhaps if we understand more deeply the impact of culture on boys’ and men’s development, we can bring a compassionate and understanding perspective to our male children, partners, friends, and clients as they sort through these difficult, deeply embedded relational patterns. Perhaps if we create more empathic possibilities, these new experiences can prevent in boys, and heal in men, the wounds of this early disconnection.

A Mother’s Prospective View

We have found in our work with more than three thousand mothers of sons that in spite of the cultural message, many mothers follow their inclination and stay in relationship with their sons. Tentatively questioning established norms, these mothers keep a place of emotionality open in their sons through continued connection. Yet at the same time, they worry that they will affect their son’s development in negative ways. Mothers who resist the cultural call to disconnection are in need of validation and support. These courageous mothers are potentially the real experts in boys’ development. Keeping a strong connection is the way to teach sons how to navigate the many and complex nuances of relationship. We believe it is within the mother-son context that relational learning occurs and that the groundwork is established for future relationships. Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum, in their book The Courage to Raise Good Men (1994), demonstrated that the root of sons’ difficulties as adults is linked to distance and disconnection in the mother-son relationship. Our workshops with mothers and adult sons, as well as our clinical work with men and couples, tell us that boys with a secure maternal connection develop stronger interpersonal skills and enjoy healthier relationships as adults.

Although relational theory originally developed as a way to understand women’s psychology, the capacity to create and sustain growth-fostering relationships is equally crucial for boys and men. Traditional views of boys’ and men’s development are embedded in men’s experiences and men’s fears. Men who have grown up in this culture often feel that the old model is best for their sons. Even men who want to change things may worry about these new directions for boys. Fathers can be pulled unwittingly into a retrospective analysis of present-day issues because of old fears based on their own experience. Because becoming a man is closely linked with traditional ideas about being one’s own man (individuation), being dominant, and not being a “girl,” evolving their thinking into the realm of emotional and relational development about boys can create worry for some men. They can have much fear about turning boys into girls. Women, on the other hand, not having grown up in boy culture, may have a clearer lens in viewing the currently evolving possibilities for boys and men. Most mothers today do keep connection with sons, and sons are more aware of the benefits and possibilities open to them in relationship. These newly evolved attitudes and behaviors are actually already much more a part of everyday life for boys than is reflected in the media. Just as Jean Baker Miller (1976) insisted, we must listen to women in order to hear about their experiences; we must listen to mothers of sons to formulate a prospective view of the possibility of relationship for boys. It is our opinion that listening to mothers of sons will inform us about current realities and possibilities for boys.

At a recent lecture about middle-school children, a mother asked the speaker how to talk to her twelve-year-old son. The psychologist answered: “There’s bad news and there’s good news. The bad news is that you won’t be able to get him to talk. The good news is that it won’t last long, just a few years.” Most of the mothers gathered at the back of the lecture hall disagreed with this notion. Even though it was difficult, they had managed to stay connected with their sons. As the “keepers of the connections” in our culture, women know about relationship. Mothers hold the hope for change in their son’s relational growth.

New developmental attitudes and directions for boys can change development in many positive ways. Changing cultural expectations to include relational development for boys can change outcomes for both boys and girls. Valuing relational skills and emotional awareness in boys will increase respect for girls in our culture. In creating a new vision for boys, we modify the course of development for both genders. Both girls and boys are born with the capacity to have responsible and collaborative relationships. It is the work of parents to provide a safe context for boys, as well as girls, through the development of family, community, and social values that support relationship.

Boy Culture: What Is It? How Does It Affect Boys?

Invisible forces in our culture take hold in the form of implicitly communicated expectations of boy behavior we call “boy culture” (fig. 1). Images of male dominance are projected by the media and modeled daily by older peers in countless ways. These expectations are not consciously taught or supported in most of our homes, schools, or communities. Rather, they are the insidious behavioral messages boys in our culture receive regarding boy behavior. These occur in the form of put-downs and intimidating threats in everyday interactions on the playground and in the halls of our schools. When we do nothing to intervene, thinking “boys will be boys,” we implicitly give our approval to and help normalize behaviors that are disconnecting and domineering and that can later lead to what has become a pervasive societal problem of violence.

When we name and question the impact of boy culture, we are not critical of boys and men but rather of the gender straightjacket imposed on boys by the culture. Boy culture focuses on who is in the limelight. It says “be first”; “win.” It is built on a competitive, power-over model, in which there are winners and there are losers. Boy culture encourages young men and boys to take pride in expressions of noncompliance and disrespect, to act out, and to pretend not to care about their failings.

BOY CULTURE
IMPLICIT EXPECTATIONS FOR BOYS

• CLOSENESS WITH MOM IS FOR
  SISSIES/BABIES
• FEELINGS ARE FOR WIMPS /
  GIRLS (EXCEPT ANGER)
...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• I. Mothering and Motherhood
• II. Men and Masculinities
• III. Mothers and Sons: Connections and Disconnections
• List of Contributors