Introduction
All behaviour is communication.
Children with limited verbal skills will still be expressing their emotions mainly through their actions, which will need to be carefully observed and monitored to establish the intention. Even those children with good verbal skills will resort to this very basic form of communication when they become emotionally charged.
Extreme negative behaviours occur when the child loses control or appears to lose control over a situation. This is mainly exhibited as highly aggressive, defiant and destructive behaviour. This extreme behaviour can also show itself in a depressive form in which the child tries to maintain some level of control over his emotions. This can exhibit itself in such areas as eating disorders, constantly hiding away in small spaces or maintaining that they no longer want to live.
Managing children in these highly emotional states can prove to be an incredible challenge for many adults, as it is often difficult to remain detached from the child’s behaviour. In some cases these children can create tremendous tension in the adults around them. The crucial aspect is that these extreme behaviours need to be dealt with so the child can be supported emotionally.
Today’s young children are being increasingly exposed to the adult world via inappropriate television viewing and games consoles. Younger children are developing conditions more typical of older children or adolescents. These include such things as expression of greater violence, overt sexualised behaviour and constant swearing.
There is now a growing awareness of various medical conditions such as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and autism. These can create difficulties with clarity and expectations of the behaviours of these children, especially if they are also on medication.
There are also the expectations that young children place on themselves and on their parents to acquire the latest gadgets and clothes. The resultant frustration often results in increased anger and defiance.
The lives that some children lead can also be very frustrating and confusing for them with a variety of dysfunctional family dynamics. It is often the young vulnerable child who is used as the ‘pawn’ in family squabbles. For many of these children it is perfectly understandable that they are angry with a situation they have no control over. These children have every right to feel angry and this needs to be made clear to the children. As will become a theme throughout this book, it is the way that their anger is expressed that can create even greater tensions for them in their lives. Most of these children’s experiences of dealing with aggressive, negative emotions will have been based on the way their families have dealt with these emotions which is often totally aggressive. Many will not have had different role models.
From discussions with many early years staff and parents, main concerns seem to focus on the negatively viewed behaviours of defiance, aggressiveness and destructiveness.
Young children’s development
At birth babies are totally dependent on their caregivers and make no distinction between themselves and their caregivers. They need to have total support from people around them. Gradually children become increasingly aware that they are independent beings and can cause things to happen around them. As children approach the age of two years they are noting what is happening around them and how other people respond to them.
A two-year-old is constantly going through a range of feelings by discovering interesting things around him—some that he can do and others that he can’t or mustn’t do. These young children are struggling with becoming independent beings and the responsibility that entails. With that comes confused feelings. These confused feelings result in children being contrary and can lead to quite severe temper tantrums. This is to do with wanting some clarity and some level of control over things around them. In young children these temper tantrums are usually ways of showing others that their feelings are too strong for them to manage and the children do not have the language to explain to others how they feel. Their way of telling you is by shouting and screaming, sometimes kicking and throwing things. These children are feeling angry, which is a normal feeling in the circumstances. It is important to try to understand the child’s anger and respond in a sympathetic manner at the right time.
Ways the child may try to manage his feelings
Being clingy to adults
Some children find it difficult to become a separate person and become consequently more dependent on adults. This can also happen because the parents have a fear about their child growing up and becoming independent and the child picks up on this. Most children respond to expectations. If the expectation is that becoming ‘more sensible’ is valued, the child is more likely to behave like that. If adults are confused in the way that they treat the child, the child will also be confused and may show more disturbed and clingy signs of behaviour. This is almost like going back to being younger and to a time when the child felt more secure and looked after.
Fears
Young children can feel frightened over new situations and some may need more time than others to feel settled. This depends on the child’s personality and some children need more attention than others to be able to join in. Some children feel ‘shy’ when in new situations and this is normal. Others need to be told of any likely changes.
Fads and rituals
Many children of two or three years can appear to become very fussy and will insist on things being done in a certain way that can seem obsessional.
Growing up and becoming independent is a difficult task for young children. They are now aware that they have the power to control certain aspects of the environment; when they insist on eating particular foods and wearing certain clothes they are demonstrating that they are using this knowledge.
In some cases, it’s worth thinking about whether it’s worth pursuing the matter and accepting the child’s choice, however unusual. When occasions are dangerous clearly it will be essential that the child give in however strong the tears or tantrums may be.
There may be some occasions when these tempers are masking a child’s real worry and there are real concerns and these will need to be worked at or special help sought.
Temper tantrums
Young children have strong and mixed feelings during the time of transition from baby to child. At this age the child’s main communication of strong feelings is through actions. Most will not have learnt how to express their feelings verbally. Strong feelings are normal in children and gradually they need support in expressing those feelings.
Temper tantrums are a normal response to the confusion a child is feeling. When this happens a child can bite, kick, scream or do anything in attempt to dispel the overwhelming feelings he has. Most children do not scream and kick for attention. They are doing it this way because they have not learnt a more effective way of showing you how they feel. The child is probably feeling very frightened and scared of his own responses as well as feeling very angry because he feels his needs are not being met.
When this happens it is important to show the child that you can keep him safe and recognise that he is angry and upset but it will not change your decision when you say no.
If these tantrums are very powerful and continuous despite a consistent and firm approach it will be important to ask for specialist advice.
The impact on adults
Sometimes a child’s tantrums can make adults feel very angry or embarrassed. Some adults can also feel they have lost any control over a child who has a temper tantrum and consequently can lose control over their ability to manage their own feelings. Adults can become as angry as the child, which will escalate the difficulty as both adult and child are attempting to control each other. This can result in a very difficult situation. Where possible adults should recognise that the child is struggling with feelings and will need support in this. Most children will learn by example and being shown how to help themselves. Initially, distraction may be helpful with young children. It is also useful for children to recognise that adults become angry and upset but they deal with it in ways other than screaming and hitting.
Who can help?
Parentline | www.parentlineplus.org.uk | 0808 800 2222 |
Childcare link | www.childcarelink.gov.uk | 0800 096 0296 |
Contact a Family | www.cafamily.org.uk | 0808 808 3555 |
