Helping Children Think about Bereavement

A differentiated story and activities to help children age 5-11 deal with loss

Heather Butler

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781136278051
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

Each year, 3, 000 children and young people between the ages of 1 and 19, die as a result of illness or accident.Around 5% of children will have experienced the death of a parent by the time they are 16. Statistics indicate that up to 70% of schools have a bereaved pupil in their care at any given time.

Helping Children Think about Bereavement provides a four part differentiated story and activities to help normalise death and allow children to develop emotional literacy to talk about it. The author, along with Child Bereavement UK have devised activities and guidance for teachers on how to use the story to develop children's emotional literacy and prepare them for bereavement, whether it affects them personally or through a friend's bereavement. This book also offers support for teachers and parents outlining how children's understanding of death develops and what can be helpful in supporting bereaved children.

The story is presented at different levels:

• for children aged 9-11
• for children aged 7 -9
• for children aged 5-7
• for children who speak English as a Second Language
• for children in Early Years or with Learning Difficulties

Details surrounding death and its aftermath are not always readily talked about or well handled. When it does happen, children need to be able to express themselves and know that their feelings are a normal part of grieving. This book is an invaluable resource for all key stage one and two teachers, teaching assistants and anyone who is involved in bereavement training.

1
	Important things to think about before you start

 

www.childbereavementuk.org Tel [phone]

LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF

Talking about bereavement and loss with children is emotionally draining. Feeling that you could do with some support is not an inability to cope, or of professional incompetence, but a recognition that everyone needs help sometimes.

We all have losses, big and small, which impact on our daily lives. This project may catch you unawares by stirring up emotions and feelings associated with previous losses. If it all feels too close to home, do not be afraid to say so. This is not a sign of weakness but merely recognising that we all have our limits.

It is perfectly normal and okay to be emotionally affected, and for the children to see that you are, but this needs to be done in a contained way.

Professional boundaries

When working in a school environment, it is easy to let the carer in us take over and forget our professional boundaries. Getting over involved is not helpful to either yourself or the children. Do take a caring and supportive approach but one that recognises your professional role. No matter how well meant or strong the desire to take the pain away, always try to be realistic with the amount of support that you can give. Providing a listening ear once a week, and sticking to it, is more meaningful than the offer of help anytime when inevitably that cannot be achieved in a busy school environment.

Don't forget that you can ring the Child Bereavement UK Support and Information Line 01494 568900 for a confidential chat, or just reassurance. Informal peer support in the staffroom can be a welcome opportunity to talk through issues and concerns and reduce feelings of inadequacy by sharing helping strategies.

LOOKING AFTER YOUR PUPLIS

Children are naturally curious about how we might feel and what we do when someone dies. They are usually happy to talk about the end of life as long as this is done in a sensitive way and within a safe environment. It is adults who are hesitant, having acquired fears and anxieties around something that for many is still a subject they find hard to speak about – precisely what this project hopes to change. Provided with reassurance and support, most parents/carers will be receptive to their children taking part in the story. Sensitive and honest communication from school is the key to this. It is essential that parents are informed about the lessons (see suggested letter on page 6).

It is essential that some preparation work is done with your class before starting the story. As with adults, the activities may stir up feelings and emotions in some of the children and you need to have thought through beforehand how to respond. Consider who to go to should any ‘tough stuff’ be revealed, or child protection issues arise.

Also, identify where to go should you feel out of your depth. You can always call the Child Bereavement UK support and information line 01494 568900 or visit the website www.childbereavementuk.org for guidance and help.

Being aware of pupils who have experienced the death of someone they know, or even a family pet, is very important. The included sample letter to parents has a section requesting parents/carers to let you know of any deaths or other information that may impact on the class sessions.

Let any bereaved pupils know what you are proposing to cover in class and, if appropriate, give them the opportunity to opt out should they wish. Once everything is explained, most choose to stay in class and join in with everybody else.

In order to create a safe environment in the classroom, it is a good idea to have some ground rules. The ones suggested below are used at the beginning of every lesson in the story.

• You don't have to share something if you feel it is too private.
• Listen carefully to each other.
• After someone dies, some people feel very sad and other people might not feel anything at all. We're all different and it is okay not to feel the same as other people.

INFORMATION FOR PARENTS AND CARERS

The information on the following page can be given to parents and carers to help allay any fears. It will also help them to answer questions children may ask at home as a consequence of what they have been doing in class.

Guidance for Parents and Carers

Your child's teacher is delivering a programme of lessons which in a helpful and sensitive way encourages the class to think about, ask questions around, and learn about, feelings associated with loss, including loss through someone dying. Below is information that you may find helpful to answer any questions your child may have at home, and generally what approach to take if chatting with your child about what they have been doing in class.

How do I answer my child's questions?

Adults naturally want to protect, but children have a much greater capacity to deal with the realities of life than we realise, as long as they are spoken to in an appropriate way. Even a sad truth will be better than uncertainty and confusion. Questions are healthy, as is curiosity; so try to answer with simple, honest words. If you do not know what to say, contact the Child Bereavement UK support and information line 01494 568900 or have a look at the family section on their website www.childbereavementuk.org.

The word ‘dead’ feels harsh: should I use it?

Phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ or words such as ‘lost’ might feel kinder but are misleading and will lead to confusion and complication. The class activity encourages the children to use feelings words and language associated with the end of life in an honest way, and this includes the use of the word ‘dead’. It is helpful if you can mirror this honesty at home. By doing so, your children will find it easier to share with you any situation they are finding difficult, such as issues with friends or being bullied at school.

Is it okay for children to see me upset?

The class activity might generate conversations with your child that result in you getting emotional or upset. Children need adults to be models, not heroes. Seeing adults expressing emotion can give a child of any age ‘permission’ to do the same, if they feel they want to. Don't be afraid to share your feelings; if adults are open and expressive, children are likely to be so too.

www.childbereavementuk.org Tel [phone]

2
	The lessons

PREPARING

Read through Chapter 1: Important things to think about before you start.

Choose which version of the story is right for your class. Read it through and familiarise yourself with the activities. The script gives the wording for difficult questions and TIPs have been added after trialling the material.

Further preparation is minimal – mostly downloading pictures. If working with children who have learning difficulties, a shoe box beach will need making.

Children respond to the story and thoughts coming from it mostly by drawing or sharing ideas with a partner. Children need whiteboards or paper.

Ensure that you have informed parents/carers and that you are aware of any children for whom the story might be difficult.

SUGGESTED LETTER TO PARENTS/CARERS

Parents and carers need to be informed. The letter on page 6 explains what children will be learning about and asks for information so teachers know of children who might find the lessons difficult.

Dear Parents/Carers,

As part of developing children's emotional health and wellbeing, in PSHE we will be doing four sessions titled ‘Helping children think about bereavement’. The resource material we will be using was...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• Introduction
• 1 Important things to think about before you start
• 2 The lessons
• 3 Further information and resources
• Appendix A To make the beach
• Appendix B Strip characters of Peter and Anji
• Index