Addressing Loneliness

Coping, Prevention and Clinical Interventions

Ami Sha'ked, Ami Rokach

• Publisher: Psychology Press
• Year: 2015
• ISBN:
  9781317684220
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psicologia
• Subtopic: Psicologia sociale

This is a volume on loneliness and what can be done to address its pain. While most books simply describe loneliness from one author's point of view, this volume includes a comprehensive review of the literature and employs top researchers in the field discuss their own research findings, conclusions and clinical experience. It explores the relationship between loneliness and sexuality, loneliness and optimism, and parental loneliness during pregnancy and childbirth. It also addresses loneliness throughout the life cycle in children, adolescents, the elderly and disabled, leading to a variety of coping and therapeutic modalities aimed at helping those who suffer from loneliness in its various forms.

Part I

Perspectives on Loneliness

1 Loneliness, Alienation, Solitude, and Our Lives

Ami Rokach

“Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy, and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species.”

(Ornish, 1998; p. 1)

We all know loneliness, chronically or temporarily. Its pain, agony, and the related hopelessness and depression has been described since the beginning of time in the Bible, Philosophy, religion, and by poets. Loneliness carries a significant social stigma, and the social perceptions of lonely people are generally unfavourable. Lonely people have, often, very negative self-perceptions, and their inability to establish social ties suggest that they may have personal inadequacies, or socially undesirable attributes. Lonely people are, commonly, perceived as less psychologically adjusted, not achieving to their full potential, and less competent in relating to others. The chapter reviews the effect of the Internet, Facebook, and other contributing factors that the 20th and 21st centuries introduced. The distinguishing characteristics of loneliness such as the affective, cognitive, and behavioral features, and those of solitude are explored and reviewed. The chapter ends with a review of loneliness and its expression throughout our lives, from cradle to grave.

Loneliness has become an almost permanent and all-too-familiar way of life to millions of North Americans; the numerous calls received by hotlines provide some indication to the spread of it. Ours is the age of relationship. We believe in the importance of relationships, thinking that we know how to conquer the barriers against closeness that we erect. Today’s intimate and social relations have replaced, as a self-esteem affirmer, work that was fulfilling that role just several decades ago. A paradox is thus created, whereas on one hand we yearn for close intimate relationships, and on the other hand our social conditions are not conducive to the development of human relations. Our lifestyle in the dawn of the 21st century both creates isolation and makes it more difficult to cope with it (Rokach, 2000). While in the past people looked for others to whom they can relate, these days dating online and the explosive growth of Facebook are but two attempts at creating virtual communities that may replace, for many, flesh-and-blood friends.

Loneliness carries a significant social stigma, and the social perceptions of lonely people are generally unfavourable. Schultz (1976) poignantly wrote that “to be alone is to be different. To be different is to be alone, and to be in the interior of this fatal circle is to be lonely. To be lonely is to have failed” (p.15). Lonely people have, often, very negative self-perceptions, and their inability to establish social ties suggest that they may have personal inadequacies or socially undesirable attributes (Lau & Gruen, 1992). Lonely people are commonly perceived as less psychologically adjusted, not achieving to their full potential, and less competent in relating to others (Lau & Gruen, 1992). Loneliness, just like depression, tends to be regarded by the public as unmasculine and consequently more undesirable for men (Borys & Perlman, 1985; Lau, 1989). Most of us, thinking about loneliness, think about social isolation, although loneliness may be more than physical isolation.

In the dawn of the 21st century, Americans are apparently far more isolated than they were previously. Less people report feeling close to their family or spouse or do not feel close to anyone. A growing number of people appear to have no one in whom they can confide, resulting in an increasingly fragmented society where social ties that were such an integral part of daily life in past generations are shrinking or disappearing all together (McPherson, Smith-Lovin, & Brashears, 2006).

Friedman (2007, p. 3) observed:

The social fabric of American life is rapidly changing in reaction to the collision of contemporary social forces, touching most of us in one way or another. Increased mobility and social isolation, the stress of a fast paced and high pressure lifestyle changes in the family unit, the impact of technology and the rise in consumerism are forces that disrupt our ability to create strong and lasting social connections.

In today’s fast-paced, ever-changing world, when virtual reality replaces the real one for the younger generation, people have no time or energy for establishing a connection with anyone beyond the narrow frame of their own hurried lives in a culture that rewards nothing but the individual acquisition of power and money (Carter, 1995). During most of human history, people lived and died in one community (Lewis et al., 2000). In contrast, today’s society, especially in North America, is made up of people on the move: Moving out of cities in order to get some green space and less polluted air; moving into cities to avoid long-distance driving; moving for employment, health, or financial reasons; or moving simply in search of a better place. Nearly 20% of Americans relocate each year, and up to 40% expect to move within the next five years.

During the last two decades, the number of those who had “no one to talk to” has doubled. And despite Facebook, emails, cell phones, blogging, and text messaging, social isolation is at an all-time high (McPherson, Smith-Lovin, and Brashears, 2006). People thus increase their dependence on technology and are less available to meet each other. Many lonely, alienated people flick on the television set for “company,” surfing from channel to channel. Television watching has become the Ativan of lonely, alienated, and socially disconnected individuals; watching television without intent, not knowing what they want to watch, and not caring much about what is on the screen. It is just comforting to have the TV on, and the background noise to fill the void. Similarly, the Internet has become an integral and important part of our lives. Most North American children have access to the Internet. It was found that in other developed countries, the situation is quite similar (Margalit, 2010). Adolescents, who seem to utilize technology at the highest rate in our society, engage in social networks such as MySpace and Facebook, where they post new and varied information and others respond and react. Most children and youth connect with other children or youth and find new friends using the Internet. It is clear that virtual connections and friendships are growing in popularity and in some instances replacing real ones. In fact Kraut, Patterson, Lundmark, Kiesler, Mukopadhyay, and Scherlis (1998) reported that increased use of the Internet leads to increased incidence of depression and increased loneliness. The Internet has brought with it a proliferation of cybersex and Internet ‘intimate’ relationships. Smith (2011) observed that Americans now spend equal amounts of time on the Internet and watching TV. With the increased Internet use, the decrease in social contact in everyday life, and the ease of communicating in cyberspace, there is a growing phenomenon of cybersex and intimacy.

At the dawn of the 21st century, our Western culture appears to magnify the alienation and separateness that man feels, while at the same time we yearn to belong, be needed, and be loved. So, is loneliness caused by external situations, by our time and lifestyle, or by who we essentially are? I believe that loneliness is interwoven in our existence, just like joy, hunger, and self-actualization. Humans are born alone, often experience the terror of loneliness in death, and often try desperately to avoid loneliness in between. To be human is to be part of, yet distinctively different from, the rest of the universe. As technological advances effect more and more of our daily lives as mankind matures, and as we come to understand more about the magnificent universe that houses our tiny planet, we come to understand the extremely small stature and impact that each of us has upon life. Such a realization seems to me to be instrumental in inducing anxiety and a sharp awareness of our limitations and finality, resulting in loneliness.

In our limitless and awesome universe, under harsh social conditions, a feeling of self-alienation, emptiness, and a sense of meaninglessness are almost inevitable. Although an existential phenomenon, one that everyone who ever walked on this earth has experienced, loneliness is not experienced continuously, nor is man necessarily aware of it in himself at all times. In my view, loneliness is a “potential” aspect of humans, rather than an undifferentiated aspect of their existence. In other words, to be human is to be able to experience loneliness. I see loneliness as a recessive, nondominant trait, which is fully experienced under the “right” conditions. These conditions almost always include dramatic changes in one’s world, such as an unfulfilled need for love, belonging, or intimacy; estrangement from one’s loved ones, country, or children; and a realization of the continuous and never-ending walk along the path that leads to death (Rokach, 2004).

Psychological Views of Loneliness

While some writers describe loneliness as a specific and unique pain, an undifferentiated stressor, others view loneliness as a response to various needs, circumstances, and situations. In general, loneliness has been described as a unified experience, in so doing, theorists failed to capture the complexity of this experience. Rank (1929) maintained that birth ended the oneness that the fetus once had with the mother. That separation created a sense of fear, loss, and loneliness, but it also brought forth the capacity for individuals to be their unique selves, to accept their differences, and to know the power of their creative will.

Fromm (1941) saw birth as the beginning of the process of individualization; while the child grows stronger and more independent, he also experiences great fear of his loneliness. To avoid the feeling of being totally alone, which Fromm likened to starvation, children and adults seek relatedness with others through sharing ideas, beliefs, values, and shared meanings.

Sullivan (1953) viewed loneliness as a result of the child’s unsuccessful attempts to engage an adult; attempts that were met with either indifference or punishment. Consequently, the child came to view himself as a failure and as one who was unable to validate meaning and reality with another person. Sullivan, like Weiss (1973), also viewed loneliness as a response to repeated social and emotional crisis. Weiss (1973), who is most widely credited with stimulating empirical research on loneliness, described two kinds of loneliness: emotional and social. Emotional loneliness occurs when one lacks an intimate partner and results in feelings of anxiety and isolation, while social loneliness results from an inadequate or unsatisfying social support network and enhanced feelings of boredom and aimlessness. In evolutionary terms, loneliness served as a proximity-promoting mechanism that may have improved survival by alerting the animal or person to being away from the group and thus more amenable to be harmed by predators. Cognitive theorists saw loneliness as the result of a perceived difference between actual and desired satisfaction with one’s social relations and thus “the absence, or perceived absence, of satisfying social relationships, accompanied by symptoms of psychological distress that are related to the actual or perceived absence” (Peplau & Perlman, 1982; p. 171–172; Russell, Cutrona, McRae, & Gomez, 2013).

In general, the psychological views share several common tenets about loneliness, though they differ as to whether it is a unidimensional or a multidimensional experience:

1. Loneliness is an experience of separation
2. It may arise at birth or in childhood and remain throughout one’s life
3. It is associated with invalidation of meaning
4. It is difficult to tolerate
5. It motivates humans to seek meaning and connection
6. It may have an evolutionary basis
7. It signals the potential for growth and new possibilities

Based on the various theoretical sources and my own research, I propose three distinguishing characteristics of all loneliness experiences:

1. Loneliness is a universal phenomenon that is fundamental to being human (see also Peplau & Perlman, 1982; Wood, 1986)
2. Although shared by all of us periodically, loneliness is in essence a subjective experience that is influenced by personal and situational variables (see also Rook, 1984a).
3. Loneliness, which a complex and multifaceted experience, is always very painful, severely distressing, and individualistic (see also Moustakas, 1961; Rokach, 2012a; Rokach & Brock, 1997a).

My research on loneliness, carried out over the last three decades (Rokach & Brock 1996; Rokach, 2007; 2012a, 2012b), indicated that loneliness is a multidimensional experience that is composed of five elements. Not all of them may always be present when one experiences loneliness, and each separately may indicate some specific psychological maladjustment. However, when our experience includes two or more of those elements, we invariably experience loneliness.

Emotional Distress

This is the most salient element of loneliness, which describes the internal upset, agony, turmoil, feelings of anguish, and emptiness that one may feel when lonely. When experiencing those emotions and confusion, there is an inner search for answers and insights, desperation to understand one’s way through the maze of pain and agony. Many report a feeling of lack of direction, fear, and anxiety. Pain is our key to awareness. It gets our attention, it helps us direct ourselves to the cause of that pain, and thus serves the first step toward healing (Ornish, 2007).

Social Inadequacy and Alienation

This element of loneliness focuses on the perceived—and not necessarily actual—social isolation and sense of aloneness that almost invariably results from the social comparison that we are accustomed to doing and the subsequent self-devaluation. Ours is a couple culture, as we observed earlier. Loneliness, invariably, causes us to devalue ourselves. When we experience loneliness, it is relatively easy for us see it as emanating from others, who we perceive as shunning us; thus we conclude that we must not be acceptable or desirable to those around us, and we consequently may view ourselves as “damaged goods.” Self-generated social detachment, which may follow, is an attempt to minimize further alienation and grief by way of not letting others get close to us. It is akin to burning your arm and as the burn is healing, you will tend to put your other arm in front of your burned one so as to protect it, so other people or objects would not harm or irritate it. It is similar to what loneliness may cause us to do—reject others so that we do not end up getting close to people, trust them, and then be rejected and feel hurt.

Interpersonal Isolation

Interpersonal isolation is probably what most people would refer to in describing loneliness. Here is where the sense of utter aloneness is associated with the—perceived—lack of social support and the painful feelings of rejection that we may feel in light of the realization that we do not connect with and cannot rely on others. The resultant feelings are often those of having been forgotten, unwanted, or ignored. Additionally, there is a yearning for the closeness that characterizes friendships or intimate romantic engagements, which allow one to feel cherished and valued, cared for, and wanted.

Self-Alienation

This element—which commonly is associated with serious mental disorders—captures the human reaction to unbearable pain. Such as unbearable physical pain inevitably causes fainting as a way of providing some relief, when the pain of loneliness is more than the person can bear, the response is self-detachment or alienation; estrangement from one’s self, feeling that one’s mind and body are separate; a true attempt to distance one’s self from the pain of alienation. Denial is a mechanism that relies on depersonalization and as such may work well in the short run. Denial expresses...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Prologue: What Do We Do About Loneliness?
• Part I: Perspectives on Loneliness
• Part II: Coping With Loneliness
• Part III: Prevention and Clinical Interventions
• Epilogue: Loneliness and Coping With It: Where Do We Go From Here?
• Contributors
• Index