PART I. INTRODUCTORY ROMANCE PROM THE PEN OF WILLIAM TINKLING, ESQ.
This beginning-part is not made out of anybodyās head, you know. Itās real. You must believe this beginning-part more than what comes after, else you wonāt understand how what comes after came to be written. You must believe it all; but you must believe this most, please. I am the editor of it. Bob Redforth (heās my cousin, and shaking the table on purpose) wanted to be the editor of it; but I said he shouldnāt because he couldnāt. He has no idea of being an editor.
Nettie Ashford is my bride. We were married in the right-hand closet in the corner of the dancing-school, where first we met, with a ring (a green one) from Wilkingwaterās toy-shop. I owed for it out of my pocket-money. When the rapturous ceremony was over, we all four went up the lane and let off a cannon (brought loaded in Bob Redforthās waistcoat-pocket) to announce our nuptials. It flew right up when it went off, and turned over. Next day, Lieut.-Col. Robin Redforth was united, with similar ceremonies, to Alice Rainbird. This time the cannon burst with a most terrific explosion, and made a puppy bark.
My peerless bride was, at the period of which we now treat, in captivity at Miss Grimmerās. Drowvey and Grimmer is the partnership, and opinion is divided which is the greatest beast. The lovely bride of the colonel was also immured in the dungeons of the same establishment. A vow was entered into, between the colonel and myself, that we would cut them out on the following Wednesday when walking two and two.
Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active brain of the colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is a pirate), suggested an attack with fireworks. This, however, from motives of humanity, was abandoned as too expensive.
Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his jacket, and waving the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, the colonel took command of me at two P.M. on the eventful and appointed day. He had drawn out the plan of attack on a piece of paper, which was rolled up round a hoop-stick. He showed it to me. My position and my full-length portrait (but my real ears donāt stick out horizontal) was behind a corner lamp-post, with written orders to remain there till I should see Miss Drowvey fall. The Drowvey who was to fall was the one in spectacles, not the one with the large lavender bonnet. At that signal I was to rush forth, seize my bride, and fight my way to the lane. There a junction would be effected between myself and the colonel; and putting our brides behind us, between ourselves and the palings, we were to conquer or die.
The enemy appeared, ā approached. Waving his black flag, the colonel attacked. Confusion ensued. Anxiously I awaited my signal; but my signal came not. So far from falling, the hated Drowvey in spectacles appeared to me to have muffled the colonelās head in his outlawed banner, and to be pitching into him with a parasol. The one in the lavender bonnet also performed prodigies of valour with her fists on his back. Seeing that all was for the moment lost, I fought my desperate way hand to hand to the lane. Through taking the back road, I was so fortunate as to meet nobody, and arrived there uninterrupted.
It seemed an age ere the colonel joined me. He had been to the jobbing tailorās to be sewn up in several places, and attributed our defeat to the refusal of the detested Drowvey to fall. Finding her so obstinate, he had said to her, āDie, recreant!ā but had found her no more open to reason on that point than the other.
My blooming bride appeared, accompanied by the colonelās bride, at the dancing-school next day. What? Was her face averted from me? Hah? Even so. With a look of scorn, she put into my hand a bit of paper, and took another partner. On the paper was pencilled, āHeavens! Can I write the word? Is my husband a cow?ā
In the first bewilderment of my heated brain, I tried to think what slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble animal mentioned above. Vain were my endeavours. At the end of that dance I whispered the colonel to come into the cloak-room, and I showed him the note.
āThere is a syllable wanting,ā said he, with a gloomy brow.
āHah! What syllable?ā was my inquiry.
āShe asks, can she write the word? And no; you see she couldnāt,ā said the colonel, pointing out the passage.
āAnd the word was?ā said I.
āCow ā cow ā coward,ā hissed the pirate-colonel in my ear, and gave me back the note.
Feeling that I must for ever tread the earth a branded boy, ā person I mean, ā or that I must clear up my honour, I demanded to be tried by a court-martial. The colonel admitted my right to be tried. Some difficulty was found in composing the court, on account of the Emperor of Franceās aunt refusing to let him come out. He was to be the president. Ere yet we had appointed a substitute, he made his escape over the back-wall, and stood among us, a free monarch.
The court was held on the grass by the pond. I recognised, in a certain admiral among my judges, my deadliest foe. A cocoa-nut had given rise to language that I could not brook; but confiding in my innocence, and also in the knowledge that the President of the United States (who sat next him) owed me a knife, I braced myself for the ordeal.
It was a solemn spectacle, that court. Two executioners with pinafores reversed led me in. Under the shade of an umbrella I perceived my bride, supported by the bride of the pirate-colonel. The president, having reproved a little female ensign for tittering, on a matter of life or death, called upon me to plead, āCoward or no coward, guilty or not guilty?ā I pleaded in a firm tone, āNo coward and not guilty.ā (The little female ensign being again reproved by the president for misconduct, mutinied, left the court, and threw stones.)
My implacable enemy, the admiral, conducted the case against me. The colonelās bride was called to prove that I had remained behind the corner lamp-post during the engagement. I might have been spared the anguish of my own brideās being also made a witness to the same point, but the admiral knew where to wound me. Be still, my soul, no matter. The colonel was then brought forward with his evidence.
It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the turning-point of my case. Shaking myself free of my guards, ā who had no business to hold me, the stupids, unless I was found guilty, ā I asked the colonel what he considered the first duty of a soldier? Ere he could reply, the President of the United States rose and informed the court, that my foe, the admiral, had suggested āBravery,ā and that prompting a witness wasnāt fair. The president of the court immediately ordered the admiralās mouth to be filled with leaves, and tied up with string. I had the satisfaction of seeing the sentence carried into effect before the proceedings went further.
I then took a paper from my trousers-pocket, and asked, āWhat do you consider, Col. Redford, the first duty of a soldier? Is it obedience?ā
āIt is,ā said the colonel.
āIs that paper ā please to look at it ā in your hand?ā
āIt is,ā said the colonel.
āIs it a military sketch?ā
āIt is,ā said the colonel.
āOf an engagement?ā
āQuite so,ā said the colonel.
āOf the late engagement?ā
āOf the late engagement.ā
āPlease to describe it, and then hand it to the president of the court.ā
From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dangers were at an end. The court rose up and jumped, on discovering that I had strictly obeyed orders. My foe, the admiral, who though muzzled was malignant yet, contrived to suggest that I was dishonoured by having quitted the field. But the colonel himself had done as much, and gave his opinion, upon his word and honour as a pirate, that when all was lost the field might be quitted without disgrace. I was going to be found āNo coward and not guilty,ā and my blooming bride was going to be publicly restored to my arms in a procession, when an unlooked-for event disturbed the general rejoicing. This was no other than the Emperor of Franceās aunt catching hold of his hair. The proceedings abruptly terminated, and the court tumultuously dissolved.
It was when the shades of the next evening but one were beginning to fall, ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the earth, that four forms might have been descried slowly advancing towards the weeping willow on the borders of the pond, the now deserted scene of the day before yesterdayās agonies and triumphs. On a nearer approach, and by a practised eye, these might have been identified as the forms of the pirate-colonel with his bride, and of the day before yesterdayās gallant prisoner with his bride.
On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs dejection sat enthroned. All four reclined under the willow for some minutes without speaking, till at length the bride of the colonel poutingly observed, āItās of no use pretending any more, and we had better give it up.ā
āHah!ā exclaimed the pirate. āPretending?ā
āDonāt go on like that; you worry me,ā returned his bride.
The lovely bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible declaration. The two warriors exchanged stony glances.
āIf,ā said the bride of the pirate-colonel, āgrown-up people WONāT do what they ought to do, and WILL put us out, what comes of our pretending?ā
āWe only get into scrapes,ā said the bride of Tinkling.
āYou know very well,ā pursued the colonelās bride, āthat Miss Drowvey wouldnāt fall. You complained of it yourself. And you know how disgracefully the court-martial ended. As to our marriage; would my people acknowledge it at home?ā
āOr would my people acknowledge ours?ā said the bride of Tinkling.
Again the two warriors exchanged stony glances.
āIf you knocked at the door and claimed me, after you were told to go away,ā said the colonelās bride, āyou would only have your hair pulled, or your ears, or your nose.ā
āIf you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming me,ā said the bride of Tinkling to that gentleman, āyou would have things dropped on your head from the window over the handle, or you would be played upon by the garden-engine.ā
āAnd at your own homes,ā resumed the bride of the colonel, āit would be just as bad. You would be sent to bed, or something equally undignified. Again, how would you support us?ā
The pirate-colonel replied in a courageous voice, āBy rapine!ā But his bride retorted, āSuppose the grown-up people wouldnāt be rapined?ā āThen,ā said the colonel, āthey should pay the penalty in blood.āā āBut suppose they should object,ā retorted his bride, āand wouldnāt pay the penalty in blood or anything else?ā
A mournful silence ensued.
āThen do you no longer love me, Alice?ā asked the colonel.
āRedforth! I am ever thine,ā returned his bride.
āThen do you no longer love me, Nettie?ā asked the present writer.
āTinkling! I am ever thine,ā returned my bride.
We all four embraced. Let me not be misunderstood by the giddy. The colonel embraced his own bride, and I embraced mine. But two times two make four.
āNettie and I,ā said Alice mournfully, āhave been considering our position. The grown-up people are too strong for us. They make us ridiculous. Besides, they have changed the times. William Tinklingās baby brother was christened yesterday. What took place? Was any king present? Answer, William.ā
I said No, unless disguised as Great-uncle Chopper.
āAny queen?ā
There had been no queen that I knew of at our house. There might have been one in the kitchen: but I didnāt think so, or the servants would have mentioned it.
āAny fairies?ā
None that were visible.
āWe had an idea among us, I think,ā said Alice, with a melancholy smile, āwe four, that Miss Grimmer would prove to be the wicked fairy, and would come in at the christening with her crutch-stick, and give the child a bad gift. Was there anything of that sort? Answer, William.ā
I said that ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that Great-uncle Chopperās gift was a shabby one; but she hadnāt said a bad o...